Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

I’m a course leader at a London university with 20 years uni teaching experience. It’s not totally clear from your timeline when she was withdrawn. A lot depends on what has actually happened here and on what grounds she has been withdrawn. If she has failed the course, she will not be permitted to do it again or renter and have another try (again depending on what has happened and when you could have a case for complaint or appeal) - but she could apply to a different course and start again. If I were you the first thing is obviously sorting her health - the uni will want any action to come from her rather than you.

Yup. Bless her, she needs feeding up. What has she been doing since dropping out? I would see if there’s any openings locally that aren’t too demanding, she probably needs love, care and a gentle chat about whatever she wants to open up about. There are some great apprenticeship schemes about then she’ll be paid and learning (if she wants)

Was she scared of disappointing you? (I don’t mean that in a bad way, just remember uni days and not telling my parents that I had a viva in the holidays)

I am in similar situation with my son. Found out a couple of weeks ago he had not submitted any assignments or been to any lectures in his first semester. We found out as he had a complete breakdown and it all came out. He says he wants to resit but honestly I’m hoping he decides uni is not for him and decides to leave and find another path. Maybe in in a few years he’ll go?

OP, don't panic - she is not alone, uni is not for her, she needs to find her thing, we don't all find that in the by-the-book way, some have one, or more false starts.

I flunked out of A levels after a year, started again at another college, scraped good enough results to get into uni studying electrical engineering, got booted out after a year for not completing sufficient modules.

Had to start again, took a more vocational route and now 20 years on run my own Electrical Engineering business and employ 16 people.

Support her, help her to find her groove in life record and follow it, whatever it may be! All the best to her, she's not failed at anything, she has found her limitation, fine, move sideways and onwards!

Son was ambivalent about the first year but scrapped through and then partway through second year we had a horrendous conversation with him at 2am so went and got him. He dropped out. Went back to start a new course which he enjoyed and got a 2:2 because he hated all the academic writing and referencing ’bollocks’, so we had to give a lot of support.

Now happily working but doing something that he could have easily done via the apprenticeship route. Earning a decent salary now.

university isnt for everyone and the student loan they all end up with is the biggest con of their generation. With hindsight he should have gone down the apprenticeship route and we would have all been far happier and better off.

Bring her home, no pressure and just be there for her. There are still many options for 20 year olds and apprenticeships are one option.

I see this on MN constantly about uni this and uni that for DC. Parents need to take a step back. Give their DC some breathing space to explore all options, not just uni path. All have their merits.

I am glad my eldest felt he could say he wasn't wanting to attend uni and said it was college for him and he is really excelling on his own journey. He's made good friends and loves his course. He may go on to uni later but if doesn't he will still have very proud parents and his happiness is paramount. He's had mental health struggles and we support him every step of the way. He's always felt he can be honest and upfront and knows we are proud regardless. Never push children to do what you want them to do - leave them to take their own path.

Wishing your DD a speedy recovery.

@CurlyhairedAssassin you clearly see the situation in a similar way to me. I did a PGCE a long time ago, and as it was in PHSE/Citizenship, I did a bit of stuff on careers. It dawned on me after a week of getting nowhere that some kids were going to follow their parents, and needed quick accurate mental arithmetic, and others were going to university to become doctors like their parents; there really wasn't much thought for the skills needed in between the extremes. I would have liked to segue into careers advisory service, even for free, but the county wasn't funding it.

Why specifically a rape?
Why not struggling to deal with uni work? Why not bullying? Why not suicidal thought's? Why not an eating disorder?
Why did you single out rape?

It's suspicious that she kept it from you - is she under family pressure to do well at university? If she struggled the first year why on earth did you allow her to go back? Also how could you not know she was short of money and not eating, how often did you bother to check on her? Find another path for her but first let her get better. TBH I question your parenting.

You can only speak to the university if she has given written consent for to speak to them.

Did she not come home for Christmas? You say she went back in sept, but surely you’ve seen her since then? But then you say she’s very skinny and lost a lot of weight- has that been since sept or in the last 6 weeks since Christmas?

was she eating/losing weight over the Christmas holidays? Any signs of an ED?

She failed her A levels, then failed a foundation year twice. This is quite a long standing pattern. The poor girl is obviously not academically able and desperately trying not to disappoint her parents.

The lass is probably great at something else, but may not have learned yet that whatever it is has a marketable value. For now, she needs a bit of looking after before she tries to fly again in a new direction.

I work at a University and we very had cases where a student doesn't tell their parent they've failed and been withdrawn until they all turn up to Graduation and there is no Graduation...

@UniversityProblems Unfortunately if your daughter has repeated her first (Foundation) year and failed, she won't be able to complete another full University course unless she self funds. Students are only able to claim 5 years of loans - 4 x FY plus 1 x repeat year.

However if she's struggled to pass the first FY then it does sound like University life isn't for her, which is fine. There are other options at ner young age (not always studying) but there's no rush to have anything sorted immediately.

To be blunt, without trying to be unkind, it sounds like you're way too focused on her going to university, which in turn has made her ashamed of not being able to complete it. This in turn, has lead to her not telling you about it, not returning home, not wanting to talk about it now, and potentially also sliding towards an eating disorder. I would focus on building her up physically and mentally, and reassuring her that university isn't the be all and end all. In a couple of weeks when she's ready, you can look at other jobs / careers.

FWIW, I have a degree from a "good" university and a graduate diploma, and have a pretty middle-of-the-road office job that I'm not that bothered about either way. My younger brother, who's highest level of education was a couple of NVQs at the local "last resort" sixth form, out-earns me by quite a bit, and has a job he really loves and that really helps people too.

A series of stupid decisions was taken by stupid people in stupid governments. Rebadge the colleges and polytechnics as universities. Decree that university be the goal for 50% of school leavers. Then turn the grant system over to the private sector as a loan regime (perhaps they had wealthy friends who wanted a way to funnel generations into debt and owing their companies interest). They managed to flatten the range of educational opportunities to a pancake. They set back the vocational and practical sphere of further education by decades. They took away our choices.

Oh this takes me back, DS 1 dropped out of Uni in year 2 during Covid. He was at a Uni abroad and didn't come back for the summer, stopped answering messages and I had to fly out to see him during lockdown. He looked awful, I spent a week cleaning his flat, feeding him etc. He had let his passport lapse so didn't come back with me.
Even then he didn't fess up, I eventually found out in October that year when he ran out of money having not received his student grant.
Long story short he was diagnosed with ADHD is now studying to be a paramedic but took years of bar jobs/unemployment/worry to get here. As long as you're there for your DD, give her a soft landing pad to figure herself out I'm sure she will find her path.

No its not.

It's a perfectly reasonable question, and one the OPer should also be wondering to.

I don't think that's fair, school imo puts most of the pressure on to kids to think University is the be all and end all. I tried to talk my kids into other paths, apprenticeships etc they wouldn't even consider it as apprenticeships were seen as second best.

University isn't the right path for everyone. I would be concerned why your daughter felt she couldn't tell you she was struggling, and let it get to the point where the university decided to let her go. Let her build herself back up physically, and perhaps help her to decide a plan going forward.

My exact thoughts. Reading the OP I wondered what’s driving the DD’s decision to keep persevering with university when it’s clearly not for her but the fact OP still thinks it’s worth contacting the university when she didn’t have the right A Level grades in the first place and then failed foundation year twice is quite telling.

OP I don’t think university is for your DD at this point in time but that’s fine because it really is not the be all and end all. Focus on rebuilding your DD’s confidence and supporting her with whatever she chooses to do next, which could be literally anything. There are so many other options besides struggling through a degree.

I don’t have experience of this but this is exactly the type of thing I might have done (I didn’t, but I could have IYSWIM).

Don’t try and find out the answers to your many questions, she will answer them eventually but right now she just needs to know that you still love her and that you love her no matter what she does ❤️

Hi OP I've had similar. Right now do nothing but focus on her health and wellbeing. Let her know you love her and you want her to be healthy before she considers any next steps. Make it clear you will cover costs of private counsellor and anything her GP may think she needs.

You all need some breathing space and she is in no place to make a good decision. And you really need her next decision to be a good one rather than another poor decision. We all make mistakes and that's ok but she sounds a bit fragile.

Definitely do not speak to the university. It's very clear that this is not her path at the moment. That may change in the future (and I mean years from now, not once she is feeling better).

Then just take things one day at a time. Get her to do things round the house and garden that help you and thank her. If you have animals can she take over their care?

We have no idea what's happened or why, or whether OP pressured her daughter to go to uni or not, so probably best not to leap to conclusions.

D20 went to Uni Sept 2023. ...In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

How has she managed for money, given her loans must have stopped long ago?