To feel smothered and annoyed by love interest

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

I’ve used love interested because we are NOT in a relationship but we are dating. I’m bi sexual and have recently started dating a lovely lady, so lovely that she is absolutely grating on me.

we’ve been dating a month. My child free days are now automatically allocated to her and she’s matching her work pattern up to mine (both self employed) meaning when my DC are with their dad she’s automatically assuming I have to spend every moment with her.

she’s been very good to me so far, kind and thoughtful. Very attentive. But there are red flaga

• she’s expressed she has an anxious attachment style which is fair enough but this soon seems full on
• after 1 week of dating she was really offended that I said “well you are single, as am I” in regards to online dating/deleting profiles
• shes made an excuse that she needed to collect something from her parents and as a bi-product forced me into meeting them - I believe this may have been planned
• she wants to “do something” every minute of every day. For example, today I wanted to spend the day pottering about before both dc return home, she insisted we go for lunch outside and to a garden centre because the weather has been nice. Then proceeded all day to say my “vibe” was off and I seemed annoyed. I said I just have a busy mind and schedule and want to get on with things. To which she took great offence and said she wants to make the most of our time together (we’ve been together the past 4 days and nights)

various other things like this. You might say it’s up to me to say no, which is true, however I hate the bluntness and the atmosphere it causes. I’m actively working on my boundaries after being in therapy following previous relationships. I have gently expressed we don’t need to spend every waking minute together, but each time it’s been met with some sort of sulk or mood iyswim. I really dislike upsetting people. Before she left, I basically had to take her bags to the door and almost had to say “get out” because my 20 or so “it was nice to see you, drive home safe” were met by blank stares or just changing rooms to sit on another sofa. It took over an hour of me saying I need to get on with things and need some time alone for her to actually leave.

I feel really irked. I didn’t want a relationship, yet I’m basically in one. There’s been various other things that have annoyed me like posting me on social media (we have mutual friends and I don’t want any of them to know I’m dating?) I’ve said it’s too soon and I don’t want people to see things. It stopped for a few days now she’s carried on ten fold. She’s planning on a trip somewhere up north next week that she needs to go on, and is harassing me for dates, I don’t want to confirm dates as I don’t know a) if I want to go and b) I don’t want set plans next week in general, I just want to have a chilled few days off. Not be held to something. I said you go on your own if I’m free I’ll join which was met with “no I’m planning specifically round your work days so we can go together”

AIBU to be annoyed? Wwyd? I want to send a message saying cool off without being nasty or mean. She’s a lovely woman but I feel overwhelmed and it’s giving me the ick - friends would have been great!

I wouldn't waste a single second more with her!
You're caught like a fly in honey - get yourself free!

I think you need to tell her to back off. She already knows she has issues so I think it’s easy to say she’s being too much and you enjoy your own company and want some head space before your kids return. As for the garden centre I think you’re being abit harsh, she just wanted to do something nice and may have caught sight of your annoyance in your response. If this is a new relationship I’d say probably best to call it a day, you’re obviously not as in to her as she you.

What do you think, OP?

Why not just dump her? You can’t stand her.

Read your post back and imagine what you might be posting in 3/6/9 months?

It’s the assumption that we “must” do something that irked me over the garden centre. I’ve spent every day off with her this week.

enjoying my own company is something BRAND NEW to me, I can’t quite believe it. It’s something I’ve learned to enjoy through therapy. I’ve never experienced this before but already it’s being overpowered by someone new.

she’s definitely more “into” me than I am her, I do like her personality and she is very attractive but the chemistry isn’t what I’ve experienced in other relationships

well that’s silly and simply not true but you know that.

Bin

This would be way too much too soon for most people! But what’s key here is that you have boundaries and she isn’t respecting them. It doesn’t sound at all like you’re compatible.

You don't sound like you like this woman or want to spend time with her. If you feel like that right at the beginning of a relationship there is no hope. Just tell her it's not working out. Job done.

Run for the hills. And probably get a front door camera if you don’t already have one!

This is my thought. To her, it appears a month is long enough to be “official”. But I’ve expressed my discomfort already RE the social media and she’s continued despite me saying not to. It’s like she’s desperate for people to know for whatever reason.

someone who knows us both asked if we’re dating as they recognised my car from her posts. I got really annoyed and said I don’t want everyone to know (this was after 1 week of knowing her) I explained it was a boundary and felt intrusive. She apologised and laid off for a week now is posting more than ever. It very much gives the impression we’re together. Various people have commented.

Errr, really? You are not enjoying this relationship and it will not improve with time. The chemistry isn’t even there.

You are not compatible - it really doesn't need more explanation than that.

You want to chill and take things easy - she wants to plan stuff every day. Also it's clear she thinks your in a proper relationship - but you don't.

Also I believe she is starting to manipulate you. The "spontaneous" meet with the parents for one and she's hassling you for dates for a trip that you're not even sure you want to go on - and you've mentioned at atmosphere when you say no.

the hills are this way >>>>>>

As I’ve said, she is kind thoughtful and attentive as well as attractive. I do like her. What I don’t like is someone being overbearing and/or ignoring my boundaries.

im not sure how me spending 4 days and 4 nights consecutively every week constitutes to me not wanting to spend time with her? I know married people who see each other less! Once or twice a week would be great.

You’re not compatible and the chemistry isn’t there for you so I’d end it. At this early stage you should be really excited not irritated and fed up. It won’t get better, she’ll just get more attached and annoying. Tell her straight that you don’t want a relationship and you’re sorry. I think you’ll have to be quite direct though as she sounds like someone who will do her best to ignore what you’re saying and cling on…. Good luck!

Not "silly" at all - you hate feeling smothered by her and she's not going to suddenly change is she!

Weird that you don't appear able to consider simply ending this "relationship" as you are not compatible.

Why stay with someone so annoying? Bizarre.

She's not the one for you. That's ok. You shouldn't be wanting to change her fundamental personality a month in to dating!

If you don't want to go on a trip and are too polite to say so, and she knows you might say no because of work so is trying to preempt any and all excuses you might have, you're not right for each other, "dating" vs. "relationship" or not. Your level of commitment is not what she wants and vice versa.

This is a cursed dynamic in so many ways. You want no commitment and plenty of alone time, and she wants an intense monogamous relationship. You can’t bear to be direct, and she can’t take a hint. You don’t want your mutual friends to know you’re dating, and she wants you to meet her parents. You aren’t feeling the chemistry, and she thinks your vibe is off.

It’s not about either of you being unreasonable per se, but there is no possibility of anyone getting what they want from this.

You don't have to be nasty or mean. You can be up front and say its too much, too intense or your not interested in being in a relationship right now. She may be upset by that, but it doesn't make you mean.

You have just said in your post that you spent 4 nights with her but would rather it was one or two. Spending 4 nights with her is not proof you like her when you didn't want to - it's just proof you are not asserting yourself and she doesn't listen.

You don't have to date someone because they are "nice" or even "attractive".

Are you looking forward to seeing her again very much, or dreading it? Or something in between?

I would say if you are dating someone new and into them you should be looking forward to seeing them and get a tummy flip when they text. That's my experience of new relationships.

I agree she is too much too soon.

I don’t think talking to her about backing off a bit would stop her being like this again in the future.

I think I’d be honest and say it’s not for you right now and wish her the best xx

Is it her fundamental personality though? She’s had toxic relationships in the past where all her exes have been “psychos” whenever someone says that I assume it’s them as it’s unlikely EVERYONE else will be a psycho.

she’s said they were paranoid about her cheating etc and one has even jumped on her car bonnet to stop her leaving. She keeps saying she’s never been used to anyone as “laid back” as me. I can’t help but think she’s trying to get me attached so that I eventually get clingy and/or jealous which just isn’t me.

I can’t suss the truth which is unlike me

I would end it, she's not going to respect your boundaries. You will probably feel relived afterwards?