To feel smothered and annoyed by love interest

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

I’ve used love interested because we are NOT in a relationship but we are dating. I’m bi sexual and have recently started dating a lovely lady, so lovely that she is absolutely grating on me.

we’ve been dating a month. My child free days are now automatically allocated to her and she’s matching her work pattern up to mine (both self employed) meaning when my DC are with their dad she’s automatically assuming I have to spend every moment with her.

she’s been very good to me so far, kind and thoughtful. Very attentive. But there are red flaga

• she’s expressed she has an anxious attachment style which is fair enough but this soon seems full on
• after 1 week of dating she was really offended that I said “well you are single, as am I” in regards to online dating/deleting profiles
• shes made an excuse that she needed to collect something from her parents and as a bi-product forced me into meeting them - I believe this may have been planned
• she wants to “do something” every minute of every day. For example, today I wanted to spend the day pottering about before both dc return home, she insisted we go for lunch outside and to a garden centre because the weather has been nice. Then proceeded all day to say my “vibe” was off and I seemed annoyed. I said I just have a busy mind and schedule and want to get on with things. To which she took great offence and said she wants to make the most of our time together (we’ve been together the past 4 days and nights)

various other things like this. You might say it’s up to me to say no, which is true, however I hate the bluntness and the atmosphere it causes. I’m actively working on my boundaries after being in therapy following previous relationships. I have gently expressed we don’t need to spend every waking minute together, but each time it’s been met with some sort of sulk or mood iyswim. I really dislike upsetting people. Before she left, I basically had to take her bags to the door and almost had to say “get out” because my 20 or so “it was nice to see you, drive home safe” were met by blank stares or just changing rooms to sit on another sofa. It took over an hour of me saying I need to get on with things and need some time alone for her to actually leave.

I feel really irked. I didn’t want a relationship, yet I’m basically in one. There’s been various other things that have annoyed me like posting me on social media (we have mutual friends and I don’t want any of them to know I’m dating?) I’ve said it’s too soon and I don’t want people to see things. It stopped for a few days now she’s carried on ten fold. She’s planning on a trip somewhere up north next week that she needs to go on, and is harassing me for dates, I don’t want to confirm dates as I don’t know a) if I want to go and b) I don’t want set plans next week in general, I just want to have a chilled few days off. Not be held to something. I said you go on your own if I’m free I’ll join which was met with “no I’m planning specifically round your work days so we can go together”

AIBU to be annoyed? Wwyd? I want to send a message saying cool off without being nasty or mean. She’s a lovely woman but I feel overwhelmed and it’s giving me the ick - friends would have been great!

You've been in therapy due to previous relationships so this has too many red flags and doesn't sound right at all.

The majority of "pros" are the way I behave with friends and work colleagues (apart from touchy feely obviously). They're not really relationship "pros" in my opinion...

I feel claustrophobic just reading this. Also it sounds like it could become a stalking situation if you are not careful. Too many red flags.

But that's not what she wants. So...

I think this is sensible and what I want to do.

I think text would be better but how would I go about writing it? I don’t want to be harsh but I do want to say it’s been too full on recently and I feel I’m not getting any time to myself which is what I wanted to avoid.

Sounds like she potentially has a personality disorder. She has displayed some very worrying behaviours in such a small space of time. If you were dating a man with that list of cons you would be getting told to block and delete. She cannot regulate her behaviour at all and this will escalate.

I would also research love bombing and see if anything resonates. All the thoughtfulness and helpfulness is a way of making sure you owe her something and you cannot walk away. Sorry to be so sceptical.

good luck with it all

She sounds so intense and not in a good way. Good relationships need space to breathe.

I would not be able to date someone so needy and would be a total put off.

Think carefully if this is the right person for you. Your pros list really isn't that amazing. Ultimately you either click or you don't and this seems all so forced.

I know its said that lesbians move fast but this is insane!

I would end things tbh but wish her well as she seems to have some issues 😕

Can you point out that you are Friends With Benefits? @Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread it will be kinder to tell her to her face,
You don't want a relationship.
You have a busy life.
You want some downtime to yourself reguarly.
You never contemplated seeing her more than once a week.
Ditto messaging.
You already have made plans for your time off.

I had a keen fwb. Had to bluntly tell him to step back. Then remind him again when he was getting too cosy and presumptive.

Tell her what you have said here. It sounds to me that whilst you may be setting your boundaries, she is choosing not to hear them and her opinion of this is that you are in a relationship and not working towards one.

Tell her she is moving too fast and she is scaring you off. Explain you also need "me" time, alone "me time" and its just too much. Then it is up to her to chuck her teddy out of the cot or accept and adjust her behaviour.

This. But honestly, given your list of cons, I really don't think she's the type who is going to be able to change...

You’re giving this too much thought. Partly because of her monopolising you both practically and your headspace too. You’re being suffocated, and what should be a simple decision is now appearing to require great consideration.

She’s ignored your requests re dialling it back, posted on SM after you asked her not to, forced a meeting with her DPs you didn’t want, organises her work patterns around yours, and monopolises your free time and goes in a huff/ behaves manipulatively when she’s challenged. Probably there’s more you’re not even realising yet. It’s abusive, or about to be so. And at the very start. It won’t get better, and the longer you give it the harder to move on . She’s already coupled you on SM.

Just finish it now. You owe her nothing. If she has any of the good qualities you suggest she may, she will go with good grace ( don’t do the friends thing ). If she doesn’t well, it will confirm you made the right decision won’t it?

She can be as nice as pie, but oh my word, she is full on and won't take hints or listen to what you want and need out of this.

You guys are not matched, get yourself outta there! It's much easier to get away in the early days...

Hello she is mentally ill it’s best to end it before the whirlwind starts

Just send her an honest text.

"Hello! Ive been feeling a bit overwhelmed recently and as much as I enjoy spending time with you would it be OK if I pencil in some time to myself too? I've had a couple of tough relationships in the past, hence not looking for a relationship at the moment, but meeting up for a date or two each week would be perfect."

It's. Been. Four. Weeks 🙄

There should be no cons at this stage, let alone a list as long as your arm...

Not sure if you can fit it into a text, maybe a phone call?

Something like: "I just wanted to say I really like how kind and caring you’ve been with me. However, I want to be honest that things have felt a bit full on recently, and I’ve realized I still need some of my own free time and space. I'd like to spend this week on my own, can we have dinner next week tuesday instead"

See how she responds? I think if she takes it badly, you'll probably know what to do

I flet overwhelmed just reading that. I'd end it whilst it's early days. This isn't the person to be with when your working on holding your own boundaries.

She's not going to suddenly chill out - this is who she is. I couldn't deal with the clinginess either, you need to end things because you're not compatible.

If you're having to have difficult and awkward conversations about The State of The Relationship (That You Don't Even Want To Be In) after one month of dating, it really would be better just to knock it on the head now.

One month! I've got stuff in the bottom of the fridge that's older than that and in better condition.

She's acting like you're in a quite intense relationship, too intense for me. I don't really see how it could work out

By the way a lot of the things on the pro list are stealth cons with people like this. Qualities like “good listener” “remembers details” “helpful and generous” can also be traits straight from the manipulators handbook. You think she is genuinely interested but her brain is scanning for information to learn what makes you tick. At the same time she is keen to make herself indispensable. I’m not saying that’s the case because only you can sense check that.

My advice in ending it by text would be to remain firm and unambiguous or you will end up back and forth. Stress that the dynamic is not what you are looking for and there is no point continuing to see each other. Don’t say “you need more space or time or whatever” because it leaves a tiny bit of hope that you will change your mind. This is an “it’s not me it’s you” problem.

She sounds like a stalker in the making. There are so many red flags, most of which boil down to one thing - her regarding you as a thin, not a person. A possession that she is eager to secure and never let out of her sight/control.

You’re obviously not well matched and looking for different things. Just nicely but firmly tell her that it’s not working for you and wish her well. If she starts carrying on then.block her on everything. Job done in 20 minutes.

YANBU to be annoyed

YABU to think the two of you are compatible