To feel smothered and annoyed by love interest

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

I’ve used love interested because we are NOT in a relationship but we are dating. I’m bi sexual and have recently started dating a lovely lady, so lovely that she is absolutely grating on me.

we’ve been dating a month. My child free days are now automatically allocated to her and she’s matching her work pattern up to mine (both self employed) meaning when my DC are with their dad she’s automatically assuming I have to spend every moment with her.

she’s been very good to me so far, kind and thoughtful. Very attentive. But there are red flaga

• she’s expressed she has an anxious attachment style which is fair enough but this soon seems full on
• after 1 week of dating she was really offended that I said “well you are single, as am I” in regards to online dating/deleting profiles
• shes made an excuse that she needed to collect something from her parents and as a bi-product forced me into meeting them - I believe this may have been planned
• she wants to “do something” every minute of every day. For example, today I wanted to spend the day pottering about before both dc return home, she insisted we go for lunch outside and to a garden centre because the weather has been nice. Then proceeded all day to say my “vibe” was off and I seemed annoyed. I said I just have a busy mind and schedule and want to get on with things. To which she took great offence and said she wants to make the most of our time together (we’ve been together the past 4 days and nights)

various other things like this. You might say it’s up to me to say no, which is true, however I hate the bluntness and the atmosphere it causes. I’m actively working on my boundaries after being in therapy following previous relationships. I have gently expressed we don’t need to spend every waking minute together, but each time it’s been met with some sort of sulk or mood iyswim. I really dislike upsetting people. Before she left, I basically had to take her bags to the door and almost had to say “get out” because my 20 or so “it was nice to see you, drive home safe” were met by blank stares or just changing rooms to sit on another sofa. It took over an hour of me saying I need to get on with things and need some time alone for her to actually leave.

I feel really irked. I didn’t want a relationship, yet I’m basically in one. There’s been various other things that have annoyed me like posting me on social media (we have mutual friends and I don’t want any of them to know I’m dating?) I’ve said it’s too soon and I don’t want people to see things. It stopped for a few days now she’s carried on ten fold. She’s planning on a trip somewhere up north next week that she needs to go on, and is harassing me for dates, I don’t want to confirm dates as I don’t know a) if I want to go and b) I don’t want set plans next week in general, I just want to have a chilled few days off. Not be held to something. I said you go on your own if I’m free I’ll join which was met with “no I’m planning specifically round your work days so we can go together”

AIBU to be annoyed? Wwyd? I want to send a message saying cool off without being nasty or mean. She’s a lovely woman but I feel overwhelmed and it’s giving me the ick - friends would have been great!

unreasonable because you are a fool to continue with this woman.

Shes kind , thoughtful and attentive yes. It doesn't mean shes right for you though . Op shes steam hollering over your boundaries and its a month in. What will it be like when it's later on in the relationship...sometimes you have to be the villain in someone's story & thats ok. I think you need to end it.

This woman will not change. She doesn't sound like the one for you.

Walk

I would find this behaviour very unattractive indeed.

The fact you're even posting about her on Mumsnet is enough really, the first stages of a relationship should be happy and carefree. I dread to think where this will go over time if you don't ditch her, in my opinion and it's obviously just my opinion this relationship has the potential to be come abusive, she sounds like someone who wants what she wants and will coerce and guilt trip others into getting her own way.

You don't owe her anything, put yourself and your kids first and reclaim your peace of mind. I say all this as someone who also has ASD and I know how difficult these type of situations can be as we are so sensitive to other people's feelings.

It’s been a month and it feels very much too much too soon. I’d tell her you want to cool things off. If she gets in a huff and ignores your boundaries then I’d say she needs to go.

This is the beginning of a controlling relationship. Love bombing you. Then being very offended and sulky if you don’t do what she wants. Either set big strong boundaries or get out. Huge red flags
do it quickly. Things will only get worse. She’ll listen to you for a day or two and test you again. I’d be quite scared!!

Well said!

Also, even if she somehow does manage to stick to your preferences, she likely would not be happy doing it. I had a bit of a clingy phase and it was hard when the other person didn't feel the same, eventually it didn't work out. But now I'm in a 10 yr long relationship, and I'm totally different anyway, not clingy like that one. I guess it also depends on the other person. Maybe because you're not clingy it makes her even more? Just a guess, I don't have that much experience in it.

But yeah basically just saying she might feel happier with someone else anyway, it's hard to have to hold it in. So il breaking up might be best. Basically you need to think there was no need to worry about her getting sad, and you could do whatever you want and not hurt her feelings, would you want to be breaking up with her? You gotta put you first, for your sake and hers. Especially when you said you really need the personal space and haven't had that in a long time.

Let us know how it goes though. Good luck.

This screams of 'neediness' and control. Best if you extricate yourself now ... before she starts planning a 'move in together' strategy!!

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthreadhows it going? Has she calmed down anyway? Or did you just get rid?

Get rid unless you want a bunny boiler

I'm exhausted and icked just reading this.

You're bonkers if you believe her saying it was rare/one off.

Get rid!

None of this is normal or healthy. She sounds dangerous to be honest-she is pushing against every single one of your boundaries and is trying to isolate you from your friends. This is the start of an abusive relationship.

I understand that this is your first same sex relationship but please be assured that this is absolutely not normal. I’m a lesbian and my wife and I dated for nearly three months before making it official, and married after three years. The joke about the U-Haul lesbian is because so many women seem to lack self esteem that they just attach themselves to each other regardless of compatibility in order to not be alone.

You are enjoying finding yourself, including enjoying your own company-lean into that and be wary of ending up in another abusive relationship. She sounds deranged.

How’s it going now OP?