To feel smothered and annoyed by love interest

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

I’ve used love interested because we are NOT in a relationship but we are dating. I’m bi sexual and have recently started dating a lovely lady, so lovely that she is absolutely grating on me.

we’ve been dating a month. My child free days are now automatically allocated to her and she’s matching her work pattern up to mine (both self employed) meaning when my DC are with their dad she’s automatically assuming I have to spend every moment with her.

she’s been very good to me so far, kind and thoughtful. Very attentive. But there are red flaga

• she’s expressed she has an anxious attachment style which is fair enough but this soon seems full on
• after 1 week of dating she was really offended that I said “well you are single, as am I” in regards to online dating/deleting profiles
• shes made an excuse that she needed to collect something from her parents and as a bi-product forced me into meeting them - I believe this may have been planned
• she wants to “do something” every minute of every day. For example, today I wanted to spend the day pottering about before both dc return home, she insisted we go for lunch outside and to a garden centre because the weather has been nice. Then proceeded all day to say my “vibe” was off and I seemed annoyed. I said I just have a busy mind and schedule and want to get on with things. To which she took great offence and said she wants to make the most of our time together (we’ve been together the past 4 days and nights)

various other things like this. You might say it’s up to me to say no, which is true, however I hate the bluntness and the atmosphere it causes. I’m actively working on my boundaries after being in therapy following previous relationships. I have gently expressed we don’t need to spend every waking minute together, but each time it’s been met with some sort of sulk or mood iyswim. I really dislike upsetting people. Before she left, I basically had to take her bags to the door and almost had to say “get out” because my 20 or so “it was nice to see you, drive home safe” were met by blank stares or just changing rooms to sit on another sofa. It took over an hour of me saying I need to get on with things and need some time alone for her to actually leave.

I feel really irked. I didn’t want a relationship, yet I’m basically in one. There’s been various other things that have annoyed me like posting me on social media (we have mutual friends and I don’t want any of them to know I’m dating?) I’ve said it’s too soon and I don’t want people to see things. It stopped for a few days now she’s carried on ten fold. She’s planning on a trip somewhere up north next week that she needs to go on, and is harassing me for dates, I don’t want to confirm dates as I don’t know a) if I want to go and b) I don’t want set plans next week in general, I just want to have a chilled few days off. Not be held to something. I said you go on your own if I’m free I’ll join which was met with “no I’m planning specifically round your work days so we can go together”

AIBU to be annoyed? Wwyd? I want to send a message saying cool off without being nasty or mean. She’s a lovely woman but I feel overwhelmed and it’s giving me the ick - friends would have been great!

This 💯 ....she isn't listening and every time you back down you are reinforcing her belief that persistence pays dividends. I bet if you are honest part of the reason you haven't had a chat / ended it is because you are dreading her reaction and the drama that will accompany it.

Either give her a firm boundary, one day a week, a phone call twice a week and peace and quier the rest of the time and see if she can stick to it or just end it now!

You like (some aspects of) her but you clearly also want her to be someone she is not, and I think you probably know, from past experience, that people don't change so if her attachment style is grating on you now in these early stages, you will soon be at each other's throats. You are clearly not compatible - as everyone here has pointed out - but you seem to be resisting the conclusion - also obvious on the basis of your post - that you need to cut your losses.

And all this ⏫️ 100%.

I actually think the psycho jumping on the car was her.
She sounds batshit.

I'd have been off at the first flag 🚩

Just sack her off

The forced meeting of parents would be the deal breaker for me. She sounds very controlling

Is her name Nadia? She sounds scary and obsessive. Dump.

Dear Freda,
You are a lovely woman but as you know, I am not interested in having a relationship at the moment. I hope you find someone who is able to give you the relationship you deserve. I need to be single.
Much love, Gloria.

Oh gosh the phone calls, it’s up to 10 times per day. I have nothing to say that much. If I don’t answer, when I next speak it’s “I called you did you not see it” as if I’m obliged to answer

im fuming writing this tbh. I’m going to say it needs to cool off. I’ve said I’m seeing friends on a day off next week which was met with silence, I could tell it threw her off

You can't 'cool off' or 'take a step back' with somebody like that. She'll absolutely lose the plot - threats of self harm, bombarding you with messages, accusations of cheating, sudden serious illness/injuries/homelessness - she'll throw everything she can at you to scare you into staying.

And then she'll most likely get angry.

End it, 'it's not working out', block and breathe.

The cons waaaaay over ride the pro's tbh. Those kinds of behaviours only get worse in relationships not better

Agree with the poster above who said she sounds kind she has a PD. There’ll be no doing things by halves with this woman, you’ll have to
end it.

You can't stand the way she tries to manage the relationship though, and you don't want the same things out of being together, so sadly however lovely she is there doesn't seem to be any chance it can work out.

I can confirm. Had to block someone who simultaneously claimed to have ended up homeless AND having a "massive stroke" while blaming me for rejecting them because I found someone better. End it while you still can, OP.

Then just see her once or twice a week then! Why are you agreeing to spend 4 solid days with her if you don't want this?
She doesn't get to decide how you spend all your time when the kids are away. I suspect you're not being clear with her at all. Although, I also think she's not going to hear you easily, and is going to become more and more controlling and manipulative.
As others have said, you're probably not compatible at all.

Just seen your update.... 10 calls a day is insane.... I wouldn't even give her the boundaries chat, I'd just say it's too much and you aren't compatible and don't want a relationship. I'd bet a weeks wages she won't accept this, will want to meet and talk about it, suggest staying friends, want to meet again for closure, will call and cry and say she'll change, make you feel gulity for all she's done for you so far... and it will end up escalating until you have to block her!

You seem to be calling multiple versions of the advice to part ways as being 'silly/ too complicated'. But she's really full on and you aren't enjoying it. As you say she doesn't take notice of your boundaries.

Part ways amicably and say you're happy to remain friends. There's nothing wrong with seeing when something isn't going to work.

Oh, this is so ridiculous.

It's colossally obvious that you're hugely incompatible and this is an insane level of angst about someone you've literally only been dating for ONE MONTH.

She's not 'kind and thoughtful', she's clingy, difficult and she ignores your boundaries FFS. She's not going to get any less clingy or difficult. She's a nightmare of a woman and you need to dump her before she suffocates you to the point where it's emotionally abusive.

Your list of 'pros' are minor things. Your list of 'cons' are massive things.

You're talking about this situation as if you have no control over it and it's just something that's happening to you. Why are you being so passive about all this?

I’m going to say it needs to cool off

For fuck's sake, you must be able to see that just telling her it 'needs to cool off' isn't going to help?? It's going to make her a million times worse. You already know she has an anxious attachment style - you think she is going to take 'we need to cool things off' at face value and just chill? No, she isn't. She is going to obsess over it and IT WILL MAKE HER BEHAVIOUR MUCH WORSE.

Just fucking dump her. Jeez.

I'm sorry if I sound incredibly frustrated here. It's because I am.

Oh dear god she is straight out of the abusers text book

They are always attentive, thoughtful and generous at the start
4 weeks in already its red flag central, usually they mask for longer
She isnt just testing your boundaries. She is stamping all over them

This is extremely worrying , agree that this looks like cluster b. Likely very unstable and has learnt to use " anxious attachment" as an excuse for her behaviour

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread Crikey, I'm feeling seriously claustrophobic just reading your posts.

Your list has more cons than pros, especially when you consider that most of the pros are what anyone would expect from a reasonable friendship anyway.

She is riding roughshod over your boundaries, expects you to do what she wants, and will not take no for an answer. As soon as you put your foot down, she's going to throw teddy out of the pram and that will just confirm that you've made the right decision in backing off.

I got the ick just reading your OP.

I’m pretty easy going / laid back, but it really gets my back up when people act entitled to my time. It makes me feel claustrophobic, but I can deal
with that if they back off when I tell them.

But you are telling her (politely) to back off and she is trampling right over your boundaries. That would be a hard no from me and I’d be giving her short shrift.

Out of interest, what are the sexual icks you don’t think will change? Understand if you don’t want to answer, just intrigued as I’m straight and have got the ick from men sexually, but can’t imagine what a woman could do to put me off. Appreciate you may not want to answer though!

Fuck me, I’m feeling smothered just reading about her!

It doesn't sound like she's respectful of your boundaries - continuing to post about you on social media after you've expressly told her not to is enough of a red flag to end a relationship at your stage.

If you don't want to end it now, I think you need to be really clear with her re what you want - you can do this kindly, by saying e.g. "if it's ok with you I'd like a few hours to myself now - could we catch up later?" Rather than dropping hints like "well it's been really nice hanging out" which frankly I would not appreciate in her shoes, or agreeing to go somewhere and then just being grumpy. If you've been really clear with her and this doesn't change, it's time to finish it before you get too entangled in it, because it won't end well.

Agreed. She's nuts.

OP, you say you've been in therapy to work on your boundaries. I think perhaps you could do with a bit more of that because right now you're being very naive and frankly you sound quite vulnerable to this woman.

10 calls a day? Jaysus, I’d be so suffocated. My now DH once sat on my doorstep waiting for me and I had to tell him that I had a life (early days of dating) and felt constrained by his behaviour.

I’m sorry, but I don’t think this is the relationship for you. It will repress who you are and you’re just beginning to enjoy independence. You don’t sound like you’re particularly enjoying this. You don’t want to be with her every minute and the sex isn’t great from what you say. Think about why you’re still seeing her.