To feel smothered and annoyed by love interest

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

I’ve used love interested because we are NOT in a relationship but we are dating. I’m bi sexual and have recently started dating a lovely lady, so lovely that she is absolutely grating on me.

we’ve been dating a month. My child free days are now automatically allocated to her and she’s matching her work pattern up to mine (both self employed) meaning when my DC are with their dad she’s automatically assuming I have to spend every moment with her.

she’s been very good to me so far, kind and thoughtful. Very attentive. But there are red flaga

• she’s expressed she has an anxious attachment style which is fair enough but this soon seems full on
• after 1 week of dating she was really offended that I said “well you are single, as am I” in regards to online dating/deleting profiles
• shes made an excuse that she needed to collect something from her parents and as a bi-product forced me into meeting them - I believe this may have been planned
• she wants to “do something” every minute of every day. For example, today I wanted to spend the day pottering about before both dc return home, she insisted we go for lunch outside and to a garden centre because the weather has been nice. Then proceeded all day to say my “vibe” was off and I seemed annoyed. I said I just have a busy mind and schedule and want to get on with things. To which she took great offence and said she wants to make the most of our time together (we’ve been together the past 4 days and nights)

various other things like this. You might say it’s up to me to say no, which is true, however I hate the bluntness and the atmosphere it causes. I’m actively working on my boundaries after being in therapy following previous relationships. I have gently expressed we don’t need to spend every waking minute together, but each time it’s been met with some sort of sulk or mood iyswim. I really dislike upsetting people. Before she left, I basically had to take her bags to the door and almost had to say “get out” because my 20 or so “it was nice to see you, drive home safe” were met by blank stares or just changing rooms to sit on another sofa. It took over an hour of me saying I need to get on with things and need some time alone for her to actually leave.

I feel really irked. I didn’t want a relationship, yet I’m basically in one. There’s been various other things that have annoyed me like posting me on social media (we have mutual friends and I don’t want any of them to know I’m dating?) I’ve said it’s too soon and I don’t want people to see things. It stopped for a few days now she’s carried on ten fold. She’s planning on a trip somewhere up north next week that she needs to go on, and is harassing me for dates, I don’t want to confirm dates as I don’t know a) if I want to go and b) I don’t want set plans next week in general, I just want to have a chilled few days off. Not be held to something. I said you go on your own if I’m free I’ll join which was met with “no I’m planning specifically round your work days so we can go together”

AIBU to be annoyed? Wwyd? I want to send a message saying cool off without being nasty or mean. She’s a lovely woman but I feel overwhelmed and it’s giving me the ick - friends would have been great!

Too much, too soon OP! Maybe explain once more that she’s coming on too strong, if she doesn’t get the hint, time to say goodbye.

You asked if this is her fundamental personality and then listed several massive red flags that make her sound even worse than your OP. What are you doing here? This is clearly a nightmare and you don't want to be in it. What's stopping you?

She sounds like a U-Haul lesbian. I'm surprised she hasn't moved in, and she's probably surprised that she hasn't either.

It sounds like you are on different wave lengths. Especially if the chemistry isn't quite right.

More red flags than a communist parade! She's not nice - she's hugely controlling. It will only get worse.

Dumping people is awful. For the dumper and the dumped. But it has to be done. In this case, the break has to be a clean one. Jagged edges will only prolong the agony. Help yourself by reminding yourself that a month ago, you hadn't met this person. You owe her nothing except clarity.

YABU because you are an adult and have agency. Why are you letting someone mither you? Just say no.

TBH I would end it. You're not compatible.

Read your further posts now
I'm sorry but at this stage if you don't break up with her now you will have only yourself to blame. It's ridiculous that you are still trying to get her to back off. The woman is dangerous.

Cringe dirty talk. I passed it off at first as her just saying what she felt “in the moment” but the same lines from the “1960s dirty talk 101 handbook” are reused each time which makes me wince. If she’d just stop talking it would be great (and I say that as someone who has previously very much enjoyed dirty talk)

I agree. It’s a shame as I do like her. I have ASD so have struggled all my life with boundaries and endings. Things like this are a nightmare for me

She sounds absolutely insufferable. A lot of the ‘pros’ you listed could also be explained by lovebombing. Her manipulative silent treatment when she doesn’t get her own way along with the controlling behaviour around phone calls tells me this will only get worse. I agree with pp’s that she is likely to become a nightmare if/when you break up with her. Even if you try to back off gently, expect some ‘emergency’ to occur with her begging you to help.

My advice would be to dump her now and block her everywhere. Make any excuse you need to. Ignore her inevitable hissy fit and get a good camera for your home if she really escalates.

She basically has. I’ve packed all her belongings as I went into my bathroom last week and felt overwhelmed by all her things. Clothes in my wardrobe, products in my bathrooms, shoes in my lounge, her washing in my washing basket. I don’t want to be washing the pants of someone I’ve known a couple of weeks!

She's not a good listener. You've told her a number of things, some of them very clearly (e.g. the posting you on social media thing), and she has ignored and disrespected what you said. She's not paying heed to how you feel about things if it's not in line with her wishes.

Unless you are good at saying no, meaning no, and enacting no if she ignores your wishes, I think this is risky relationship.

She sounds like a psychopath! It also doesn’t sound like you like her very much anyway so what’s the problem? Just block her

Definitely don’t do the “cool off” thing. You need to end it. If you’re not excited and happy and loving every minute at this point, it’s dead in the water.

Not to mention the list of cons is just overwhelming obvious that this isn’t going to work.

You’re not really a good fit as she wants to see you all the time and you want space. You obv want different things, so maybe just keep the friendship before it goes too far and you ‘split’ acrimoniously.

Dear god, OP. I just saw your post about all the things she has in your house. Honestly, I'd just end it now. This will NOT improve in time. It will get even more intense and bonkers. If you stay with her you'll end up resenting her terribly but it will be even harder to extricate yourself.

Please, for your sanity, just end it.

You're not that into her and that's perfectly okay, I doubt you'll suddenly grow strong feelings for her now or feel chemistry, and you won't be able to overcome the ick.

Be honest: if you could wave a magic wand and it was over without having to tell her and deal with her feelings or have a long heart to heart, would you? I'm pretty sure you would. I think you're only continuing because atm it's easier than her blowing up.

Just let her know via message you're not feeling it any longer and although you've enjoyed your time together you wish her well and feel it's best you both move forward separately.

The trouble is, I’ve had the butterfly loving every minute thing twice and both have turned out to be horrible relationships. The fact this has made me feel calm (albeit now smothered) felt like a signal I was on the right track. Like ive not gone for looks only and romanticised someone like I usually do. Like I said I have ASD so its quite difficult for me to not be all in with someone usually

Believe me, this won’t get better only worse. Much worse, End it fully now while you may be able to. it’s actually really concerning to read.

Ohmygod!

Bin, now.

wtf.

This, along with wanting to “lock you in” on social media, ensuring people know you are dating….she really does sound like a nutjob.

Shes pretty much moved herself in and got you washing her pants!!!

Get her to fuck.

Sorry I didn't pick up you were ND.
You are in a dangerous situation here. She is not a safe person to be in a relationship with. She will not respect your boundaries and this will get worse, not better. She's not the right person for you. Please be safe and end it, you might need to block her after. But please do it.

I agree with all this but if you might find it better to text as she will probably not listen if you have a conversation or try to twist it or manipulate you into feeling guilty and insist she’ll change.
I think you need a chance to say what you need uninterrupted but be blunt and firm so it sinks in.

I would write,
Hi Intensia,

We have only been seeing each other a month and you seem to want us to behave as though we are in a long term committed relationship where as I’d have preferred time to get to know each other properly before getting into a serious relationship and I don’t feel ready for one right now.

I think you are a great person but I’m feeling overwhelmed by how fast you are wanting things to move between us and your expectations of how much we see each other, I feel like you want us to spend every bit of free time together when I have a busy life and also want some alone time to relax. You aren’t even giving me a chance to miss you and I feel a bit pressured into spending all my free time with you so as not to upset you which isn’t healthy.

I don’t want to hurt you by saying this but I’ve tried to cool things and set boundaries like asking you not to post on social media that have just been ignored.

I would like to slow things down a bit and stick to dating until I feel I’m ready to take things further and if you would prefer to be in a proper relationship then it might be better for us to stop seeing each other so you can find someone who wants the same.
It’s nothing personal I just don’t feel ready for that yet and being pressured into it isn’t going to make it work long term, relationships need to develop naturally.

Have a proper think about it and if you want to continue seeing each other or if it’ll make you unhappy with what I’m looking for, if that’s the case then we should probably just stop seeing each other.

DO NOT suggest staying friends or it’ll give her hope and she’ll keep pushing for more!

I appreciate that’s pretty long and you can cut it down, I just think you need to really hammer the point in for some people.

She sounds creepy to be honest. If she is like this a month in she will have you chained to a radiator in a year’s time. She is going to be all or nothing, she doesn’t want casual. Her exes were psychos she says? Mmm, it sounds like she is the unhinged one.

See sense, end it. Let her down gently (for your safety reasons) but firmly. Tell her you don’t want a relationship, and you are not the right person for her.

sounds like a case of limerence. I suffered this at the start of my current relationship. Fortunately for me I know I suffer with it and actively make sure not to suffocate my partner. I did tell him I may be a bit full on sometimes but try my best not not. It may fade out. We are a year down the line and I’m now coming out the other side, happily accept he has days off doing what he wants etc without having to give myself a therapy session every time.

without all the other stuff which is utterly suffocating - the having sex with someone who gives you the ick, why are you even continuing for that reason alone?