To feel smothered and annoyed by love interest

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

I’ve used love interested because we are NOT in a relationship but we are dating. I’m bi sexual and have recently started dating a lovely lady, so lovely that she is absolutely grating on me.

we’ve been dating a month. My child free days are now automatically allocated to her and she’s matching her work pattern up to mine (both self employed) meaning when my DC are with their dad she’s automatically assuming I have to spend every moment with her.

she’s been very good to me so far, kind and thoughtful. Very attentive. But there are red flaga

• she’s expressed she has an anxious attachment style which is fair enough but this soon seems full on
• after 1 week of dating she was really offended that I said “well you are single, as am I” in regards to online dating/deleting profiles
• shes made an excuse that she needed to collect something from her parents and as a bi-product forced me into meeting them - I believe this may have been planned
• she wants to “do something” every minute of every day. For example, today I wanted to spend the day pottering about before both dc return home, she insisted we go for lunch outside and to a garden centre because the weather has been nice. Then proceeded all day to say my “vibe” was off and I seemed annoyed. I said I just have a busy mind and schedule and want to get on with things. To which she took great offence and said she wants to make the most of our time together (we’ve been together the past 4 days and nights)

various other things like this. You might say it’s up to me to say no, which is true, however I hate the bluntness and the atmosphere it causes. I’m actively working on my boundaries after being in therapy following previous relationships. I have gently expressed we don’t need to spend every waking minute together, but each time it’s been met with some sort of sulk or mood iyswim. I really dislike upsetting people. Before she left, I basically had to take her bags to the door and almost had to say “get out” because my 20 or so “it was nice to see you, drive home safe” were met by blank stares or just changing rooms to sit on another sofa. It took over an hour of me saying I need to get on with things and need some time alone for her to actually leave.

I feel really irked. I didn’t want a relationship, yet I’m basically in one. There’s been various other things that have annoyed me like posting me on social media (we have mutual friends and I don’t want any of them to know I’m dating?) I’ve said it’s too soon and I don’t want people to see things. It stopped for a few days now she’s carried on ten fold. She’s planning on a trip somewhere up north next week that she needs to go on, and is harassing me for dates, I don’t want to confirm dates as I don’t know a) if I want to go and b) I don’t want set plans next week in general, I just want to have a chilled few days off. Not be held to something. I said you go on your own if I’m free I’ll join which was met with “no I’m planning specifically round your work days so we can go together”

AIBU to be annoyed? Wwyd? I want to send a message saying cool off without being nasty or mean. She’s a lovely woman but I feel overwhelmed and it’s giving me the ick - friends would have been great!

And thank you, I know that was a nosy question!

But yes, cringe.

and per my previous post in response to the pant washing etc - get rid.

Reading your posts makes me wonder why you're still with this woman. Your cons by far outweigh the pros, no one should be feeling like this at the beginning of a relationship, and you don't even want an actual relationship!

She may well be a lovely person, but it's clear as crystal that she isn't a lovely person for you.

You say that you don't like upsetting people, but why on earth would you stay with someone or not tell them how you feel for fear of their reaction. You need to prioritise your life and your feelings over hers.

You also need to realise that in adult life sometimes you just have to upset people in order to preserve your own well-being and sanity.

Ask yourself if she's enhancing your life in every way. If the answer is no then after only a month(!) you message her to say it's over.

You do not sound compatible at all. Sorry OP. Time to rip off the plaster.

Washing in your washing basket 😬

Too much!!

End it now! If this was a bloke this thread would be full of LTB

Ok, well I have Asperger’s so hopefully you can take what I say as truth here.

I felt the same way as you, two relationships that were all intense but so wrong, then when I found one that wasn’t as intense I convinced myself this must be correct and more measured. Unfortunately it was my worst, most abusive relationship. I stuck with it for 5 years because I believed I had to make it work despite everything.

I then fell into another similar situation and again, a measured slow build up…and it was because we both didn’t actually feel that excited about one another. I was left feeling miserable and unloved.

I now can identify in further relationships that the issue wasn’t the intensity at the start. That was a sign of a good thing, that things were right. It’s not a predictor of long term happiness, there are other things to consider. But if a lovely happy spark isn’t there at the outset, it’s an immediate sign that things aren’t right.

Cooling off is a huge mistake. End it. You don't owe her anything. She's ignored your boundaries and is suffocating you. She'll go crazy so ring the police when she does. And every time she harasses you because she will.

I can see why you wanted this to work, OP, but given your cons list it sounds like it really isn't. Unless you think an honest conversation might get things back on track, I'd say you're probably best cutting your losses, sadly.

When someone shows you/tells you who they are take notice

how many times has this been posted on here, we have all tried to justify how someone is as we want to be nice/understanding and we will often ignore red flags but it never improves

op she has shown you who she is, and already you have uncomfortable feelings and it’s only a month. You are not there to fix her do the best thing for yourself and for her before she becomes more attached and end this relationship her issues are hers to deal with

The more you post, the more I don't think you should be in a relationship OP.

You're describing the situation from hell, and yet all you want to do is tell her you want to 'cool it off'.

Why would you even want the 'cooled off' version of this woman?

The texts and phone calls, the social media, the stuff all over your house, the sulks when you try and draw a boundary....

She is a walking red flag.

OP please just call it a day! End things now and carefully.

Just end it, you’re not compatible

She sounds completely unstable, possible borderliner and ....good luck if you try and back off or end it as she might go nuclear.

Get security cameras now before you say another word. As you assert your own boundaries, add layers of security. You've walked into a right one.

I think anything about ‘needing to slow down’ or ‘taking a break’ are too ambiguous and will make her think she can change your mind.

I think OP you just say that over the last few days you’ve come to realise that you don’t want to be in a relationship and therefore you’ve decided not to continue dating her and that you wish her well. I think anything that gives her a chink of your doubt will mean she’ll try to force her way back in. It might feel harsh, but she clearly can’t take a hint.

i expect she’ll want you to see you again and use the excuse of collecting her things, so either let her collect them at an agreed time and have someone else there, or tell her they’ll be on the doorstep/in the shed etc and she can collect at x time and don’t answer the door.
also block her and move on - she sounds like a nightmare!

I’m just out of a relationship that started like this. By the end of it I didn’t even own my own weekends. It would have been unacceptable to say I wanted a Sunday in my pjs to myself for example, i couldn’t make plans with other people during what he saw as‘his time’ (weekends) without it being tricky and him making life hard. Great guy I thought but he had me worn down at the end and I hated the absolute rights he thought he had on my time. My stomach clenched in familiarity when I read your post. Well done in spotting the red flag, and it is a red flag, you don’t want a relationship but seem to be in it, you want your own downtime but are not getting it. Please choose wisely this person like my ex will likely stomp all over your boundaries. Best of luck

OP you keep saying she is lovely and nice but the thing is do lovely and nice people consistently disrespect boundaries, ignore you when you tell them what you need and constantly push for more?

Also beware of the good listener bit, many times people with these hyper obsessive tendencies want to find out all about you and they are listening for things they can use to hook you in. The comment about your social media being ‘revealing’ IS revealing - about her.

Now she may well have problems but it does not appear being too ‘nice’ and ‘anxious attachment’ are some of them (it’s a nice way to excuse her behaviour but none of this screams anxiety at all) - she’s possessive, domineering, controlling and appears to have very little interest in you as a person, only what she wants you to be.

I don’t know if this is your first relationship with a woman but you say you’ve had issues with boundaries in previous ones. One thing you need to be aware of is women can be predators too. Some women are extremely high control but hide behind faux psych babble and pretend niceness. I think she’s of that type.

the longer you leave it to break up as well the more it will build into an absolute shitfest when you do and you’ll be the latest to be added to her ‘psycho ex’ list…. (I bet they’ve got some tales to tell)

Been there in a very similar situation and the woman involved pretty much wished me dead for YEARs from a less than three month relationship. After declaring undying love in 0.34 seconds. I too just felt she was nice really and just a bit enthusiastic and had been hurt blah blah. I was not prepared for the deep viciousness and the length of her ire once things did end. I stupidly did not think women behaved that way! It was disturbing.

Even if this woman is not as bad as that my advice is end it sooner rather than later before she gets even more attached and inserted into your time, energy, peace of mind and living space.

OP in the nicest possible way you sound very vulnerable. You are in an awful situation with this woman and yet you can't see clearly that you need to get out.

It absolutely needs to be a clean break, as she sounds completely unhinged.

I'd pack up all her stuff, put it outside and tell her to come collect it. Have no more contact with her and block her on everything.

Out of interest what is a U-Haul lesbian?

Run…….keep running…….and don’t look back! Bunny boiler on the horizon.

It sounds like she's trying to railroad you into an intense relationship. You don't want one so it's not a goer is it?

10 calls a day...omg. what can she possibly have to say?
Going silent because you're spending your day off with friends.
It's just very in your face.

Please go away.

And this is a month in!

Just end it before she swallows you up.

You're incompatible. She's a Stage V clinger after a mere month and you reasonably want some space.

Time to see all those red flags for what they are and end this.

It's not kind to be unclear. Just tell her this isn't working and wish her well. Then block.

She’s not listening to you and trampling all over any boundary you’ve tried to set and you’ve been together hardly any time at all.
I like my own company as well as socialising, but in order to really enjoy the socialising I need the time to myself to almost ‘reset’ as I’m an introvert although come across as bubbly and jolly!
I think you need to be really honest if you want to keep trying and if she doesn’t like it, at least you know she’s not for you.
“I don’t want to commit to going up North with you at the moment so please don’t keep asking me about my schedule’
”I was planning on gardening today so I’m not free to go to the garden centre, feel free to pop in for a coffee” etc
Personally I couldn’t be bothered to keep trying with someone who doesn’t even listen to what I’m saying and the plastering all over social media media when you’ve asked her not to would be a big no for me!

This is someone who doesnt respect your boundaries. Its been weeks and despite you not wanting a relationship she is pushing this by introducing you to the parents, putting you on social media and moving belongings in. Do your kids know about her? I couldn't be with someone who was so smothering and not listening this early on

YABU. I actually feel quite sorry for her. You do not want to be in a relationship, so you shouldn't be. The rest of your post is irrelevant. You are giving mixed messages because you don't have the guts to just be honest, to say this is not what you want and to walk away.

She sounds scary to me.
I'd have dropped it already at the posting on social media after I'd said don't.

If you can't talk honestly with each other about how you're feeling then there's not much of a relationship there. So, if you don't tell her then you're doomed as a couple. If you do tell her then she may just really appreciate the honesty. You don't have to be unkind or abrupt - but you do have to be honest.

Or else, what's the point?