To feel smothered and annoyed by love interest

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

I’ve used love interested because we are NOT in a relationship but we are dating. I’m bi sexual and have recently started dating a lovely lady, so lovely that she is absolutely grating on me.

we’ve been dating a month. My child free days are now automatically allocated to her and she’s matching her work pattern up to mine (both self employed) meaning when my DC are with their dad she’s automatically assuming I have to spend every moment with her.

she’s been very good to me so far, kind and thoughtful. Very attentive. But there are red flaga

• she’s expressed she has an anxious attachment style which is fair enough but this soon seems full on
• after 1 week of dating she was really offended that I said “well you are single, as am I” in regards to online dating/deleting profiles
• shes made an excuse that she needed to collect something from her parents and as a bi-product forced me into meeting them - I believe this may have been planned
• she wants to “do something” every minute of every day. For example, today I wanted to spend the day pottering about before both dc return home, she insisted we go for lunch outside and to a garden centre because the weather has been nice. Then proceeded all day to say my “vibe” was off and I seemed annoyed. I said I just have a busy mind and schedule and want to get on with things. To which she took great offence and said she wants to make the most of our time together (we’ve been together the past 4 days and nights)

various other things like this. You might say it’s up to me to say no, which is true, however I hate the bluntness and the atmosphere it causes. I’m actively working on my boundaries after being in therapy following previous relationships. I have gently expressed we don’t need to spend every waking minute together, but each time it’s been met with some sort of sulk or mood iyswim. I really dislike upsetting people. Before she left, I basically had to take her bags to the door and almost had to say “get out” because my 20 or so “it was nice to see you, drive home safe” were met by blank stares or just changing rooms to sit on another sofa. It took over an hour of me saying I need to get on with things and need some time alone for her to actually leave.

I feel really irked. I didn’t want a relationship, yet I’m basically in one. There’s been various other things that have annoyed me like posting me on social media (we have mutual friends and I don’t want any of them to know I’m dating?) I’ve said it’s too soon and I don’t want people to see things. It stopped for a few days now she’s carried on ten fold. She’s planning on a trip somewhere up north next week that she needs to go on, and is harassing me for dates, I don’t want to confirm dates as I don’t know a) if I want to go and b) I don’t want set plans next week in general, I just want to have a chilled few days off. Not be held to something. I said you go on your own if I’m free I’ll join which was met with “no I’m planning specifically round your work days so we can go together”

AIBU to be annoyed? Wwyd? I want to send a message saying cool off without being nasty or mean. She’s a lovely woman but I feel overwhelmed and it’s giving me the ick - friends would have been great!

Something in between definitely. I don’t get chance to miss her.

I think if it was 1-2 times a week it would feel like something to look forward to at such a new stage. Not an obligation.

even texting 24/7 she gets hurt/offended if I leave hours between texts. I don’t feel I need to be in touch constantly. Which again, is new for me!

Read this back to yourself though, OP - it doesn’t matter what the ‘truth’ is, it just matters that it’s not working for you. If you’re even entertaining the possibility that she might be nuts, or trying to lure you into jealous enmeshment, then this is not the right situationship for either of you.

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread just be honest with her.

Tell her you don't want a relationship at the moment and this is moving way too fast and feels like too much so would it be ok if you go back to having a couple of dates a week.

She sounds way too much!! Personally I'd end it completely. This doesn't sound like the right time nor even the right person for a relationship. Work on yourself and enjoy your own company.

I voted YABU because it's like you're deliberately making a huge thing of this, instead of just calling time on the relationship because it's clearly not working out.

If you're still working on your relationship boundaries after therapy, I don't think you should be dating anyone if this is the result - that you can't just tell them to back off or finish with them.

There doesn't need to be any drama, so why invite it?

I have gently expressed we don’t need to spend every waking minute together, but each time it’s been met with some sort of sulk or mood iyswim.

This can be a big red flag. You're in a new relationship, still getting to know each other, each with commitments (I assume she has some?) that don't and at this stage shouldn't involve the other, and working out boundaries to shape a relationship that is genuinely good and beneficial for both of you. An essential part of that is each saying how you feel, what you want, what does and doesn't work, what you need more or less of - so that you can brainstorm solutions, compromise, adjust to accommodate each other when you can.

If she typically withdraws or "punishes" you whenever you express a need or want that doesn't exactly match hers, the two of you can't move forward to create that solid base and open communication that's critical for any relationship. And if she's taking it personally when you say something like "I need time alone to destress after work" or "I need to see my friends/family on my own this weekend", that may be a sign of either excessive insecurity on her part or a need to control her partner. If she does have either of these issues, she needs to work them out on her own before getting into a relationship.

And you, recognising that you have a history that makes it difficult to assert yourself, need to be sure you're telling her strongly ENOUGH what you need - sure, be polite, but above all be clear and firm. Once you know for sure that she understands how important your requests are to you, her continuing to ignore or override them (if she does) and put her wants ahead of your needs will show you clearly that the relationship isn't right.

All her exes are psychos but her behaviour is to completely disregard your feelings and is desperate to let everyone know you’re in a relationship. Are you sure it’s the exes that were the issue. We all know that one perpetual victim who’s been double crossed and miss treated by everyone they no longer speak to. It’s always transpires that the people with repeatedly bad experiences are the actual ones with the problem

I doubt she'll change. You really aren't compatible with her OP. Being attractive and attentive isn't enough to sustain a relationship. She's trampling over any boundary you're trying to set which is disrespectful. Personally I'd end things now before it gets more difficult. There are other people out there, you don't have to settle for something that isn't making you happy.

I would back away from anybody who claims all their exes are "psychos", because the common denominator is the the person claiming this, not the exes. (And yes, I learnt this lesson the hard way)

thats the thing when dating your time is between you and partner etc

That's why I don't understand the drama here.

The OP knows this sort of thing is a red flag.

That, added to all the other things and the fact it's only been 4 weeks makes it sound ridiculous that she hasn't just finished it.

What? You can never have any time on your own?

If she’s like this after a few weeks, imagine how possessive and clingy and all consuming she will be (or try to be) in a few months or years!

I would sit her down and explain that’s it’s not that you don’t like her but you just like 50% of your free time to be for you to do your hobbies/life admin/chores you can’t do with kids around/veg alone/see other friends and 50% can be for your relationship (or whatever % but you get the gist). Then give it two weeks. If she doesn’t change or does but reverts back, I think your only choice is to end it because she’s clearly looking for something different from a relationship and can’t (or won’t) respect your reasonable boundaries

Sorry OP but I agree with others, I just don't think you like her that much.

I think you like the idea of her which is why you're listing her positive attributes (which I understand as you're trying to see the good points), but I think the reality of her personality and behaviour is the complete opposite of what you are looking for and I don't think that will change. If anything it will just get worse...

She said to you that she has an anxious attachment style. It's great that she is aware but clearly she is doing absolutely nothing to address this and I would hazard a guess that she said that purely so that you feel guilty about bringing up the fact that she is very full on, disrespectful of boundaries and personal space. I'd say it's less of an anxious attachment and full on manipulative behaviour. Quite sinister, actually.

I wouldn't personally continue having a relationship (situationship or whatever) with someone who is so blatantly disrespectful of my boundaries and is using sulking as manipulation tactic. No matter how "lovely" they are.

I would have one last serios conversation with her about SM rules, time together boundaries and would say quite clearly that you are not going on the trip with her. She can sulk. She is an adult responsible for regulating her own emotions. Yes, you will be that "toxic ex". So what...

Oh god just end it. I can feel the suffocation from here. If you were having incredible passion that would be one thing, but even then the intensity would be an amber flag. But it’s not even that, you already have the ick. Dumping her does not undermine your bisexual identity, if that is what you are afraid of.

With kindness OP, if this was a man behaving like this the pile-on would be strong. Love bombing which will lead to nothing but heartbreak. Get rid now.

It really isn't. I am dating and we both have serious hobbies that we prioritise. We manage a couple of dates a week around that and an odd weekend together here and there. And it's absolutely perfect as is. If you suddenly dissolve yourself into your partner, that's where the alarm bells should start ringing.

Put an end to this. Its obviously not what you want.

She sounds like someone who is not comfortable being alone or being on their own so is seeking comfort in a clingy relationship and forcing it to develop way too quickly and unnaturally. She needs to do some work on that. You are also working on your boundaries so the two of you together is a recipe for someone to get trampled on and my crystal ball says it will be you.

She will not be capable of slowing down or stepping back (as we have seen by the example of the social media posts) so you need to decide if you want 0% or 100% because those will be the only two options. The longer you allow this to go on the harder it will be to break free.

I absolutely guarantee that she was the problem in her last relationships. It’s difficult when someone is attractive - the hot ones are always the most insane - that’s coming from a lesbian btw 😂

It sounds like you want to be more compatible than you really are. Your post tells me you are questioning it so put a stop to it now.

Too much too fast - back right off.

Okay I’m just writing this here for my own mind but just for the thread also:

pros:

• attractive
• good listener
• thoughtful and remembers things
• touchy feely which I like
• generous
• actively wants to help me out (and has)
• adventurous and active

cons:

• overly attached
• very needy
• a little too soppy
• not the brightest intellectually (struggle with certain conversations)
• sex is good but a couple of icks have occurred which I don’t think will change
• Very expectant of my time and commitment
• has said she’s a jealous person
• expects me to be committed and monogamous after one date/possesive
• has made comments about my own SM posts being “revealing”

It's certainly the impression I'm getting.

I don't know if you can overcome the cons list tbh, I feel like it's not impossible to find someone else not as needy, with a similar pros list (although I have no idea about dating anymore)

Sorry OP but you need to end it. You're at the point of no return now, and basically in a relationship.

I'm the same as you, just started enjoying my own company after divorce and this would drive me nuts.

You don't want a relationship so don't let yourself be in one.