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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel smothered and annoyed by love interest

317 replies

Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread · 05/03/2026 15:58

I’ve used love interested because we are NOT in a relationship but we are dating. I’m bi sexual and have recently started dating a lovely lady, so lovely that she is absolutely grating on me.

we’ve been dating a month. My child free days are now automatically allocated to her and she’s matching her work pattern up to mine (both self employed) meaning when my DC are with their dad she’s automatically assuming I have to spend every moment with her.

she’s been very good to me so far, kind and thoughtful. Very attentive. But there are red flaga

  • she’s expressed she has an anxious attachment style which is fair enough but this soon seems full on
  • after 1 week of dating she was really offended that I said “well you are single, as am I” in regards to online dating/deleting profiles
  • shes made an excuse that she needed to collect something from her parents and as a bi-product forced me into meeting them - I believe this may have been planned
  • she wants to “do something” every minute of every day. For example, today I wanted to spend the day pottering about before both dc return home, she insisted we go for lunch outside and to a garden centre because the weather has been nice. Then proceeded all day to say my “vibe” was off and I seemed annoyed. I said I just have a busy mind and schedule and want to get on with things. To which she took great offence and said she wants to make the most of our time together (we’ve been together the past 4 days and nights)

various other things like this. You might say it’s up to me to say no, which is true, however I hate the bluntness and the atmosphere it causes. I’m actively working on my boundaries after being in therapy following previous relationships. I have gently expressed we don’t need to spend every waking minute together, but each time it’s been met with some sort of sulk or mood iyswim. I really dislike upsetting people. Before she left, I basically had to take her bags to the door and almost had to say “get out” because my 20 or so “it was nice to see you, drive home safe” were met by blank stares or just changing rooms to sit on another sofa. It took over an hour of me saying I need to get on with things and need some time alone for her to actually leave.

I feel really irked. I didn’t want a relationship, yet I’m basically in one. There’s been various other things that have annoyed me like posting me on social media (we have mutual friends and I don’t want any of them to know I’m dating?) I’ve said it’s too soon and I don’t want people to see things. It stopped for a few days now she’s carried on ten fold. She’s planning on a trip somewhere up north next week that she needs to go on, and is harassing me for dates, I don’t want to confirm dates as I don’t know a) if I want to go and b) I don’t want set plans next week in general, I just want to have a chilled few days off. Not be held to something. I said you go on your own if I’m free I’ll join which was met with “no I’m planning specifically round your work days so we can go together”

AIBU to be annoyed? Wwyd? I want to send a message saying cool off without being nasty or mean. She’s a lovely woman but I feel overwhelmed and it’s giving me the ick - friends would have been great!

OP posts:
HatStickBoots · 06/03/2026 18:24

Snarchipelago · 06/03/2026 16:29

im going to give her 2 weeks and if she oversteps or doesn’t listen during that time I’ll be cutting it off
You told her you’ll only be seeing her 1-2 times a week maximum, and she responded by immediately trying to persuade you to see her more often. You don’t need two weeks to see whether she’ll overstep when that was the very first thing she attempted to do!

I do understand wanting to give people a chance and see the best in others, but it doesn’t matter WHY she’s behaving in ways that make you uncomfortable - there is no story from her past that gives her a license to make your present difficult. You’ve only been dating for ONE MONTH and your gut is already telling you something isn’t right: you wouldn’t have posted here otherwise. Listen to that instinct, and to the many women here who are telling you to cut your losses and run.

She ignored your request about social media (while she agreed initially and apologised, within days she was doing it even more than before). You even said “I’ve expressed my discomfort . . . and she’s continued despite me saying not to.” This feels like she was testing to see how much boundary-pushing you’d tolerate.

She manipulated you into meeting her parents before you were ready and, in the home you share with your children, you have “Clothes in my wardrobe, products in my bathrooms, shoes in my lounge, her washing in my washing basket.” The relationship progressing unnaturally quickly, and her pushing for commitment too fast, are red flags for love bombing.

She’s matched her work pattern to yours and is making sure you never get any time to yourself or with other people. Saying “no” to her causes an atmosphere and she sulks if you suggest having even a little bit of time to yourself. Planning her trip around you, when she’s aware you don’t really want to go, is designed to make it hard for you to refuse. She’s shown she will ignore the “no” and do what she wants, manipulate you into changing your mind, or punish you emotionally if you try to stand your ground.

She’s phoning you 10 times a day, wants 24/7 texting, and takes offence/gets upset if you don’t pick up or answer quickly enough. These huge demands on your time and attention, combined with guilt-trips, are more signs of emotional manipulation and love bombing.

You listed a lot of red flags for controlling behaviour (overly attached/very needy/expects all your time/said she’s a jealous person/expects commitment after one date/possessive/made comments about your SM posts being “revealing”). Plus, isolation tactics often don’t show up initially as openly ‘banning you from seeing your friends’. You’re more likely to have someone letting you know you’ve disappointed them by going silent…just like she did when you told her you’d made plans to see friends next week.

She’s had toxic relationships in the past where all her exes have been “psychos” whenever someone says that I assume it’s them as it’s unlikely EVERYONE else will be a psycho.
You even explained exactly why this one is a red flag yourself!
AND she took ketamine on your second date!

All of these behaviours combined should have the Kill Bill siren going off in your head, while you watch red flag confetti explode around you, in an arena decorated with red flags, full of millions of people all waving red flags. Why are you choosing to ignore them and giving her another two weeks!? She’s shown you, and told you, who she is: believe her!

Show quote history

Excellent post. I suggest you print this out OP and stick it to your fridge door, your bathroom mirror, next to your bed.

Missj25 · 06/03/2026 18:34

Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread · 05/03/2026 15:58

I’ve used love interested because we are NOT in a relationship but we are dating. I’m bi sexual and have recently started dating a lovely lady, so lovely that she is absolutely grating on me.

we’ve been dating a month. My child free days are now automatically allocated to her and she’s matching her work pattern up to mine (both self employed) meaning when my DC are with their dad she’s automatically assuming I have to spend every moment with her.

she’s been very good to me so far, kind and thoughtful. Very attentive. But there are red flaga

  • she’s expressed she has an anxious attachment style which is fair enough but this soon seems full on
  • after 1 week of dating she was really offended that I said “well you are single, as am I” in regards to online dating/deleting profiles
  • shes made an excuse that she needed to collect something from her parents and as a bi-product forced me into meeting them - I believe this may have been planned
  • she wants to “do something” every minute of every day. For example, today I wanted to spend the day pottering about before both dc return home, she insisted we go for lunch outside and to a garden centre because the weather has been nice. Then proceeded all day to say my “vibe” was off and I seemed annoyed. I said I just have a busy mind and schedule and want to get on with things. To which she took great offence and said she wants to make the most of our time together (we’ve been together the past 4 days and nights)

various other things like this. You might say it’s up to me to say no, which is true, however I hate the bluntness and the atmosphere it causes. I’m actively working on my boundaries after being in therapy following previous relationships. I have gently expressed we don’t need to spend every waking minute together, but each time it’s been met with some sort of sulk or mood iyswim. I really dislike upsetting people. Before she left, I basically had to take her bags to the door and almost had to say “get out” because my 20 or so “it was nice to see you, drive home safe” were met by blank stares or just changing rooms to sit on another sofa. It took over an hour of me saying I need to get on with things and need some time alone for her to actually leave.

I feel really irked. I didn’t want a relationship, yet I’m basically in one. There’s been various other things that have annoyed me like posting me on social media (we have mutual friends and I don’t want any of them to know I’m dating?) I’ve said it’s too soon and I don’t want people to see things. It stopped for a few days now she’s carried on ten fold. She’s planning on a trip somewhere up north next week that she needs to go on, and is harassing me for dates, I don’t want to confirm dates as I don’t know a) if I want to go and b) I don’t want set plans next week in general, I just want to have a chilled few days off. Not be held to something. I said you go on your own if I’m free I’ll join which was met with “no I’m planning specifically round your work days so we can go together”

AIBU to be annoyed? Wwyd? I want to send a message saying cool off without being nasty or mean. She’s a lovely woman but I feel overwhelmed and it’s giving me the ick - friends would have been great!

She’s way too full on & she’s turning you off of her .
I’d say to her straight out this isn’t what you wanted to sign up for . It isn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️.
Ignoring your boundaries, repeatedly throwing shit up on line that you have specifically said you don’t like or want .
Planning her work days around yours , sulking & being a royal pain in the ass !
This is her personality, I can’t see that changing .
I mean you’ve already expressed discontent to her regarding her actions & she’s only gotten worse !!
I can’t ever see your relationship with her working out being honest .

Ladymeade · 06/03/2026 19:08

This would be way too much for me... I would be looking to back off on the amount of time I saw them, just to take stock and to set some precedents (if I wanted to carry on the relationship, that is)..

Mythoughts1 · 06/03/2026 19:43

SadSaq · 05/03/2026 17:10

I actually think the psycho jumping on the car was her.
She sounds batshit.

I'd have been off at the first flag 🚩

Exactly what I was thinking.

ThistleTits · 06/03/2026 23:19

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread that's quite controlling behaviour. I wasted a few years with someone like this. I knew it was time to finish it when I found myself lying in order not see her, she just couldn't cope with me having any space to myself.

All the good points of their personality are erased by this controlling part.

I'd be very wary of moving forward dating her. She's to interested in her own needs.

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 07/03/2026 07:34

HatStickBoots · 06/03/2026 18:24

Excellent post. I suggest you print this out OP and stick it to your fridge door, your bathroom mirror, next to your bed.

Show quote history

This, @Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread
!! But more importantly, the quote they were quoting!!

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 07/03/2026 07:36

Snarchipelago · 06/03/2026 16:29

im going to give her 2 weeks and if she oversteps or doesn’t listen during that time I’ll be cutting it off
You told her you’ll only be seeing her 1-2 times a week maximum, and she responded by immediately trying to persuade you to see her more often. You don’t need two weeks to see whether she’ll overstep when that was the very first thing she attempted to do!

I do understand wanting to give people a chance and see the best in others, but it doesn’t matter WHY she’s behaving in ways that make you uncomfortable - there is no story from her past that gives her a license to make your present difficult. You’ve only been dating for ONE MONTH and your gut is already telling you something isn’t right: you wouldn’t have posted here otherwise. Listen to that instinct, and to the many women here who are telling you to cut your losses and run.

She ignored your request about social media (while she agreed initially and apologised, within days she was doing it even more than before). You even said “I’ve expressed my discomfort . . . and she’s continued despite me saying not to.” This feels like she was testing to see how much boundary-pushing you’d tolerate.

She manipulated you into meeting her parents before you were ready and, in the home you share with your children, you have “Clothes in my wardrobe, products in my bathrooms, shoes in my lounge, her washing in my washing basket.” The relationship progressing unnaturally quickly, and her pushing for commitment too fast, are red flags for love bombing.

She’s matched her work pattern to yours and is making sure you never get any time to yourself or with other people. Saying “no” to her causes an atmosphere and she sulks if you suggest having even a little bit of time to yourself. Planning her trip around you, when she’s aware you don’t really want to go, is designed to make it hard for you to refuse. She’s shown she will ignore the “no” and do what she wants, manipulate you into changing your mind, or punish you emotionally if you try to stand your ground.

She’s phoning you 10 times a day, wants 24/7 texting, and takes offence/gets upset if you don’t pick up or answer quickly enough. These huge demands on your time and attention, combined with guilt-trips, are more signs of emotional manipulation and love bombing.

You listed a lot of red flags for controlling behaviour (overly attached/very needy/expects all your time/said she’s a jealous person/expects commitment after one date/possessive/made comments about your SM posts being “revealing”). Plus, isolation tactics often don’t show up initially as openly ‘banning you from seeing your friends’. You’re more likely to have someone letting you know you’ve disappointed them by going silent…just like she did when you told her you’d made plans to see friends next week.

She’s had toxic relationships in the past where all her exes have been “psychos” whenever someone says that I assume it’s them as it’s unlikely EVERYONE else will be a psycho.
You even explained exactly why this one is a red flag yourself!
AND she took ketamine on your second date!

All of these behaviours combined should have the Kill Bill siren going off in your head, while you watch red flag confetti explode around you, in an arena decorated with red flags, full of millions of people all waving red flags. Why are you choosing to ignore them and giving her another two weeks!? She’s shown you, and told you, who she is: believe her!

Show quote history

This. This! THIS! THIS!!!

Please, @Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread , RUN!! Future you won’t regret it!!

MustWeDoThis · 07/03/2026 08:45

Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread · 05/03/2026 15:58

I’ve used love interested because we are NOT in a relationship but we are dating. I’m bi sexual and have recently started dating a lovely lady, so lovely that she is absolutely grating on me.

we’ve been dating a month. My child free days are now automatically allocated to her and she’s matching her work pattern up to mine (both self employed) meaning when my DC are with their dad she’s automatically assuming I have to spend every moment with her.

she’s been very good to me so far, kind and thoughtful. Very attentive. But there are red flaga

  • she’s expressed she has an anxious attachment style which is fair enough but this soon seems full on
  • after 1 week of dating she was really offended that I said “well you are single, as am I” in regards to online dating/deleting profiles
  • shes made an excuse that she needed to collect something from her parents and as a bi-product forced me into meeting them - I believe this may have been planned
  • she wants to “do something” every minute of every day. For example, today I wanted to spend the day pottering about before both dc return home, she insisted we go for lunch outside and to a garden centre because the weather has been nice. Then proceeded all day to say my “vibe” was off and I seemed annoyed. I said I just have a busy mind and schedule and want to get on with things. To which she took great offence and said she wants to make the most of our time together (we’ve been together the past 4 days and nights)

various other things like this. You might say it’s up to me to say no, which is true, however I hate the bluntness and the atmosphere it causes. I’m actively working on my boundaries after being in therapy following previous relationships. I have gently expressed we don’t need to spend every waking minute together, but each time it’s been met with some sort of sulk or mood iyswim. I really dislike upsetting people. Before she left, I basically had to take her bags to the door and almost had to say “get out” because my 20 or so “it was nice to see you, drive home safe” were met by blank stares or just changing rooms to sit on another sofa. It took over an hour of me saying I need to get on with things and need some time alone for her to actually leave.

I feel really irked. I didn’t want a relationship, yet I’m basically in one. There’s been various other things that have annoyed me like posting me on social media (we have mutual friends and I don’t want any of them to know I’m dating?) I’ve said it’s too soon and I don’t want people to see things. It stopped for a few days now she’s carried on ten fold. She’s planning on a trip somewhere up north next week that she needs to go on, and is harassing me for dates, I don’t want to confirm dates as I don’t know a) if I want to go and b) I don’t want set plans next week in general, I just want to have a chilled few days off. Not be held to something. I said you go on your own if I’m free I’ll join which was met with “no I’m planning specifically round your work days so we can go together”

AIBU to be annoyed? Wwyd? I want to send a message saying cool off without being nasty or mean. She’s a lovely woman but I feel overwhelmed and it’s giving me the ick - friends would have been great!

You don't want a relationship - You just want some company/sex now and again.

She wants a relationship and she's being quite gaslighty about it by emotionally blackmailing you, the attachment anxiety, needy, wants something completely different to what you're looking for.

You need to work on your therapy a bit more, but she needs to actually -go- to therapy (I would suggest that to her and leave.)

Neither of you sound compatible. Be honest to be kind in the long run. I think you will need to be the bigger person here, because she doesn't sound emotionally capable of it. It's not fair on either of you. She sounds like a massive red flag.

Good luck with this one, OP. I hope you can depart from this drama free.

Dozer · 07/03/2026 08:47

Think you should get some more (or better) therapy, OP, before you date again (once you have got rid of this bad’un)

pictoosh · 07/03/2026 09:29

I can't stress this enough. You are a month in. At this stage it is perfectly normal and acceptable to change your mind/go off someone. This is the getting to know you part and you're not enjoying what you know.
You don't owe her a second chance. What you've had is what you'll get. Her red flags won't turn green on your instructions. Besides, why should you take on the responsibility of managing this?
This is the time to let her go. The longer you labour at it, the harder it will become to to extricate yourself cleanly.
At a month in you can halt proceedings easily.

Having said all that, of course it's your decision. I hope it works out either way. X

Solerina · 07/03/2026 10:32

It sounds like a complete nightmare OP, I think you need to end this and get your life back.

Desmodici · 07/03/2026 13:19

Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread · 05/03/2026 16:10

This is my thought. To her, it appears a month is long enough to be “official”. But I’ve expressed my discomfort already RE the social media and she’s continued despite me saying not to. It’s like she’s desperate for people to know for whatever reason.

someone who knows us both asked if we’re dating as they recognised my car from her posts. I got really annoyed and said I don’t want everyone to know (this was after 1 week of knowing her) I explained it was a boundary and felt intrusive. She apologised and laid off for a week now is posting more than ever. It very much gives the impression we’re together. Various people have commented.

Show quote history

She wants people to know because it makes it harder for you to back out. Same with meeting her parents. It's manipulative and would have me ending it. Sulks are also controlling behaviour. I suspect you'll end up in a very unhappy relationship, if you stay.

TreatyPie · 07/03/2026 13:40

Is this the ultimate drip feed re the ket? 😂
OP lemme break this down for you:

  • You dont fancy her like you have fancied people in the past
  • Shes clingy and doesnt respect your boundaries
  • Sex with her gives you the ick
  • She's a frequent drug user (yes its frequent).

Dude you knkw what yiu have to do

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/03/2026 14:10

I would end it. I think she’s shown she’s not going to respect your boundaries. It’s not going to change and you are never going to be comfortable.

manymaybe · 07/03/2026 17:58

Run!

Janicchoplin · 07/03/2026 18:04

Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread · 05/03/2026 16:21

Something in between definitely. I don’t get chance to miss her.

I think if it was 1-2 times a week it would feel like something to look forward to at such a new stage. Not an obligation.

even texting 24/7 she gets hurt/offended if I leave hours between texts. I don’t feel I need to be in touch constantly. Which again, is new for me!

Show quote history

I think the other poster is right. You maybe attracted to her looks and personality. But your not emotionally invested. There is a difference between a quick wam bam thank you mam. And a emotionally invested start of a relationship. If that were so you would be looking forward to it. 4 days a week is hardly all the time.

ByHeartyHiker · 07/03/2026 18:14

100% YANBU, but no one else's opinion actually matters here. You are uncomfortable and feel smothered and you are entitled to feel both of those things and express them/act upon them in a way that feels right for you. Some of the behaviour seems manipulative/controlling e.g. monopolising all your free time posting about you online when you specifically said no and forcing you to meet the parents.I'd be looking to leave the situationship ASAP

HanG77 · 07/03/2026 18:29

Blimey, as someone who has had a few controlling boyfriends I say RUN. Also, she is not a lovely person, she is guilt tripping you and stonewalling when she doesn’t get her way and pushing yours boundaries, not listening and exploiting your kindness. She’s like the female version of the ‘toxic nice guy’ .

Clarabell77 · 07/03/2026 18:36

She sounds like an absolute nightmare and I’d have to finish it. She doesn’t sound like a lovely woman, she sounds like a clingy, controlling person who isn’t respecting the boundaries you’ve set with her.

House12 · 07/03/2026 18:51

She sounds more co-dependency than anxious attachment. If she can’t respect your clearly stated needs then she’s not really being as nice to you as she thinks she is. I hate this kind of smothering need, and never gets better over time it just turns into sulky childlike resentment/martyrdom once they’ve made you the boss of the relationship.

TheGreatFinch · 07/03/2026 20:08

Run!!!

PossumHollow · 07/03/2026 20:10

The fact you are even considering this relationship proceeding is such a huge problem OP. I have found reading this so stressful as it is just screaming off the page that you MUST END IT.

She is not ok. Her behaviour is unacceptable. She has seen you coming as someone with ASD who struggles with boundaries and is taking advantage of that - maybe deliberately, maybe not, maybe a mix of both - but there’s no doubt she is actively doing things that you don’t want her to do when you have asked her to stop. She will not change, she will not get better, she will push and she will manipulate and she will get her way until you no longer can see what’s normal and she is embedded.

You are more at risk of this than anyone as clearly you are struggling to trust your instinct and your gut feeling, your body is screaming at you to back away from her. The ick feeling is one way of your body telling you this but also it’s the way you’re overthinking it. You’re trying to second guess yourself and your instincts and push them away and justify why you should ignore them but they are coming back.

You must must must end this!!! Properly end it now. You’ve tried the “oh let’s try 1-2 times a week” and even that she’s pushed back on and she 10000% will not honour it. The things she has done taken individually are more than enough to end it let alone everything taken together - your ambivalence alone would be enough even if she’d done none of these things!! You don’t need a reason to and a relationship. You just have to want to.

And get back into therapy ASAP and work through trusting yourself so you never end up here again.

Sowhat12345 · 07/03/2026 21:04

She sounds controlling I'm afraid and the longer it goes on it's only going to get worse

Minglingpringle · 07/03/2026 21:23

You are not well suited. Split up.

This is who she is and it will get worse and worse. You need someone more independent.

BeAzureRaven · 07/03/2026 23:37

I voted 'unreasonable' because it IS unreasonable that you continue to see this woman! She has some serious issues and this is only going to end badly--the sooner you end it the better for you. Ick.