To have expected more of DH post partum?

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First baby is 4 months old. DH and I have been together 10 years. Very calm relationship. Prior to baby, I would say quite an even division of labour in the household, though I was carrying the “mental load”.

All through pregnancy, DH seemed really excited. The first few weeks of baby’s life, he tried really hard. He was doing lots of skin-to-skin and basically running the household single handedly while I nursed and held baby. He had a longer pat leave than standard.

Even so, things started to creep. I would be nap trapped on the sofa and he would eat lunch and go play video games. I would be starving! He wouldn’t offer food or even come see me so I could ask. I couldn’t exactly call to him as it would wake the baby. Or, baby would be screaming at night and he just wouldn’t get out of bed. I found these times quite emotionally challenging to be faced with such a distressed baby.

The first four weeks he would help in the night, but then that stopped abruptly. He moved to the spare room and just left me to it. He started staying up late to game and ended up on a schedule of sleeping midnight-9/10am. Meanwhile DD and I were going to bed at 9pm and waking at midnight, 2am, 4am and up for the day before 6am most days. My friends or family would come visit and I would lie that he had helped in the night to explain why he was still in bed.

Around baby’s 2 month mark, he started having pains (his hip, his knees, his back, his neck). It has got to the point he had has blood tests, x-rays, physio and no medical professional can find anything wrong with him. Due to all these pains he claims he can’t even hold DD now. She is what you might call a “Velcro” baby. I hold or co-sleep with her about 23 hours a day. I’ve tried asking if he can lie next to her on the bed while I shower or something but he says he wouldn’t be able to catch her if she rolled. He has spent this week in bed, gaming and performatively saying how much he’s looking forward to spending time with DD when he’s better.

Anyway, I guess AIBU to not have expected this or are all men like this in the end?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Your “DH” sounds utterly useless. Not all men are like that and serious words need to be had.

He sounds an absolute selfish bastard!

He can keep her safe with a pillow behind her on the bed. His pain is not stopping him gaming as it?
No all men are not like it and I'd be telling him it's not acceptable to put gaming before his wife and child. And to decide if he wants to actually grow up and be a parent.i'm sorry he's spoilt this time for you.

Completely not on. And I'd be expecting the gaming to stop. Can't be helping all those pains he has....
What an absolute zero of a partner/dad.

This sounds so weird…i’d start to wonder if he is mentally unwell.

Using extended paternity leave / his employer’s sick leave policy as an excuse to behave like a complete twat.
on further reflection I think it is actually manipulative and exploitative and very worrying behaviour. Don't overcompensate for him with friends and relatives

He sounds absolutely awful. You need to stop protecting him by lying to your parents and friends about why he is always in bed when they visit. They need to know how unhelpful and selfish he is being.

He won’t even lie next to her on the bed? I’d be sending him to a mental health professional something is going on

No, not all men are like this. Don’t let him off by assuming it’s a men thing, rather than him being a shit.

He’s claiming he is physically unable to hold a 4 month old at all, or to even prevent her rolling on a bed? Is he putting on a whole fairly severe sudden disability affecting his whole life, or is this an oddly selective condition that just applies to babies, and not other aspects of his life that he finds enjoyable, like gaming?

Not all men are as vile and self absorbed as the one you married and whose child you brought into the world.

He needs to step up or I couldn't see myself in a relationship with him.

I’m sorry to hear this. You are not being unreasonable in any way. You are co parents he should be doing his fair share of caring for DC when he’s not at work.

When I had a newborn me and my husband split the nights so he would take the first wake ups and I did the second half. It meant we both got about 5 hours sleep, which felt like enough to just about function. Luckily my baby took a bottle so I pumped milk so he could feed him. He also took equal time caring for him at the weekends. I was fortunate he worked from home so he’d also take him when I went to shower etc and also made me lunch pretty much every day for months, as well as all the dinners and took care of all the laundry he still does all the laundry now pretty much. None of this is something to write home about, it’s normal parental teamwork in the year 2026.

You deserve somebody who is there for you and baby 100%. Could he be depressed maybe? Has he ever had an episode like this before?

You have been together a long time, you need to communicate to him how you’re feeling and the impact that his attitude and behaviour is having on you. Like really spell it out.

You sound like you’re doing an amazing job. Have you got any other support you can lean on in the meantime? Have you done any classes or anything yet with baby? Finding your mum tribe will also really help you mentally I think. Hopefully he gets his ass in gear soon, you deserve the best.

YANBU and you sound like you are doing a brilliant job

did he keep these hours and game this much before you were pregnant?

not making excuses but it sounds like he might have some kind of depression. Can you mention to your health visitor?

At the very least you need to talk to him and have a plan re his contribution. If she is a Velcro baby can he carry her in a sling? Does he play with her? Can you agree set times when he is caring for her eg 8-12pm so you can get some rest?

Gaming. Gaming rather than looking after you and his baby. Seriously?
LTB. I’m absolutely serious. He sounds utterly pathetic and useless.

I would hate his guts. What in the ever loving fuck does he think he’s playing at? I’d want to leave him so I didn’t have to look at his stupid face and would know I was on my own with no one else to rely on over the pretence that I was part of a team. I despise him and I’ve never met him. You and your baby deserve so much better.

I wouldn’t even bother asking him
to do anything to be honest. You don’t need him it sounds like you would be much happier just getting rid of him.

No, don’t fall for the line that all men are like this. They’re not. I’m afraid I think that adult gamers are largely useless twats - I don’t know any, but MN seems to suggest this.

I didn’t require any nighttime help from my husband as I was breastfeeding, but he was an incredible support when he was home from work. He made sure I didn’t lift a finger when he was around.

Have a talk with him about his malingering. You both know that's what it is and it's time to be a dad or go home to his mommy. Is he drug seeking or just can't be bothered to parent?

My orthopod said the best thing I could do after the initial pain from an injury was get up and move around. I did that after major surgery too. He shouldn't be laying in bed all the time, he's going to develop complications from bedrest.

No, not all men are like this. I had an emergency C-section, and my husband ran around after me and our son like a loon. Once his leave ended, yes I did do the majority of the night-times, mainly because I was breastfeeding. There were numerous times when I struggled with sleep deprivation, and he would get up with me, or stay up, so I could sleep.

I'm not suggesting your husband's ailments aren't genuine but they are convenient for him to now use as a reason why he can't lift a finger to help. He absolutely can look after HIS child, there's ways and means of doing so, without having to hold the baby.

You need a serious conversation with your husband. He needs to pull his weight, not only around the home but with your child too. Stop lying to family/friends, if he's still in bed, tell the truth. In short, your husband should be utterly ashamed of himself.

I had one like this. I divorced it.

sorry you’re dealing with this shit from a manchild.

What a knob. How does he set up his games? How does he hold a controle but be unable to stop and 4month old rolling off a bed?

I'd be amazoning a bed guard tonight so that he can at least do that.

I'll bet his pains are related to the gaming. My Dp had 2 weeks paternity but helped with nights until they slept through. He did about 80% of night nappies as I was trapped with the next to me cot.

"The first few weeks of baby’s life, he tried really hard. He was doing lots of skin-to-skin and basically running the household single handedly while I nursed"

He did the sprint and expected a gold medal and a big clap but then realised he was competing in the marathon all along.

Does he have depression? I’m sorry to ask but was your birth experience traumatic in any way? Maybe I’m massively giving the benefit of the doubt here but perhaps he is struggling with the adjustment / depression and it’s just a bit delayed onset? Or if the birth was difficult maybe he’s processing now?

Wishing you all the best xx

Yes I don’t think he’s coping and he is now resorting to try and explain it physically - something is wrong - he’s gone off the idea of parenthood

tell him the only illness he may have is bed sores!

He sounds like a useless twat who needs a reality check.

That being said - having a baby on you 23 hours a day is so extreme. If you want to have a shower, cook dinner or just leave the house on your own for a bloody drive to the shop - give her to him in a basket or chair. If she screams the house down dont just go running - he will have to do something, even if hes really actually incapable of holding her - he could at least try to soothe her and entertain her.