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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected more of DH post partum?

183 replies

embroideredpanda · 04/03/2026 20:00

First baby is 4 months old. DH and I have been together 10 years. Very calm relationship. Prior to baby, I would say quite an even division of labour in the household, though I was carrying the “mental load”.

All through pregnancy, DH seemed really excited. The first few weeks of baby’s life, he tried really hard. He was doing lots of skin-to-skin and basically running the household single handedly while I nursed and held baby. He had a longer pat leave than standard.

Even so, things started to creep. I would be nap trapped on the sofa and he would eat lunch and go play video games. I would be starving! He wouldn’t offer food or even come see me so I could ask. I couldn’t exactly call to him as it would wake the baby. Or, baby would be screaming at night and he just wouldn’t get out of bed. I found these times quite emotionally challenging to be faced with such a distressed baby.

The first four weeks he would help in the night, but then that stopped abruptly. He moved to the spare room and just left me to it. He started staying up late to game and ended up on a schedule of sleeping midnight-9/10am. Meanwhile DD and I were going to bed at 9pm and waking at midnight, 2am, 4am and up for the day before 6am most days. My friends or family would come visit and I would lie that he had helped in the night to explain why he was still in bed.

Around baby’s 2 month mark, he started having pains (his hip, his knees, his back, his neck). It has got to the point he had has blood tests, x-rays, physio and no medical professional can find anything wrong with him. Due to all these pains he claims he can’t even hold DD now. She is what you might call a “Velcro” baby. I hold or co-sleep with her about 23 hours a day. I’ve tried asking if he can lie next to her on the bed while I shower or something but he says he wouldn’t be able to catch her if she rolled. He has spent this week in bed, gaming and performatively saying how much he’s looking forward to spending time with DD when he’s better.

Anyway, I guess AIBU to not have expected this or are all men like this in the end?

OP posts:
Sowhat1976 · 04/03/2026 20:30

My husband didn't get up ever. Not for 4 years. My daughter woke hourly. He said he couldn't wake up, he was to deep a sleeper and he didn't hear her. He wanted me to wake up and wake him to sit with her. He wouldn't do it. When I threatened to divorce him on the verge of a breakdown he suddenly and miraculously was able to get up on the odd occasions. The resentment of someone preserving themselves at your detriment is immense. Unfortunately, this isn't an isolated thing. In 16 years he talks a good talk but demonstrate a willful lack of care for me. I have recently told him i want a divorce.

ThatOpenSwan · 04/03/2026 20:30

I don't think he's well, OP. Parenting is a horrible shock and I think he has PND, which hits about 10% of men. Or he's an utter arsehole, but a decent 10-year relationship has probably at least earned him a moment of the benefit of the doubt.

Barney16 · 04/03/2026 20:33

He's playing you. Tell him to shape up or ship out.

waterrat · 04/03/2026 20:35

I have read about some shit partners on here but OP this is seriously unacceptable

GAMING!! when he has a newborn and exhausted partner??? My husband was literally living for me and my babies at this time - he used to make lunch before he left for work and leave it plated in the fridge as he knew I was so tired/ focused on baby -

The idea of him eating and not thinking about me - literally unimaginable.

I don't say this lightly but I would leave my partner if he behaved liked this. I would be kicking him out.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 04/03/2026 20:37

Turn off the wifi & see if he can miraculously get up & sort it out.

JLou08 · 04/03/2026 20:37

A lot of men are lazy. Although, after 10 years of a good equal relationship and a few weeks of him single handedly running the house I'd be concerned that there was actually something going on mentally or physically to cause such a drastic change.

PinkyFlamingo · 04/03/2026 20:39

Of course not all men are like this!

MrsLizzieDarcy · 04/03/2026 20:41

I would taking a hammer to his gaming console, and telling him he'll be next if he doesn't man up and start helping you. Don't tolerate this, because if you do he gets a free pass to be a lazy shit forever. Your baby and you deserve an active and helpful family member, not a sad manchild who games.

It has got to the point he had has blood tests, x-rays, physio and no medical professional can find anything wrong with him. That's because there is nothing wrong with him.

Riverflow6 · 04/03/2026 20:41

My husband is not a gamer than goodness.

but he did move into the guest room when I was pregnant and never came back to help with 3 babies. I was breastfeeding and he was so horribly nasty grumpy at night time I told him never to come and help me but to be more help in the day. He did a fair share of nappies and bath times though

gamerchick · 04/03/2026 20:42

As a gamer, he's lying to you OP.

The novelty has worn off. Tell him to go back to work and then you have a think about the future.

Enrichetta · 04/03/2026 20:43

I don’t have time to read the whole thread but like to urge OP to nail down her contraception now. You don’t want another child with this useless sperm donor.

Leopards, spots and all that…

goz · 04/03/2026 20:43

All men are not like this, a shared child is not your little pet that you alone take care of.
Your partner is showing you how little he values you, how little he respects you and how little he cares about his child.

martha4clark · 04/03/2026 20:44

No, all men are not like this. My husband adored holding, caring for, playing with our babies / children when they were younger. He was and still is an equal parent. Don’t put up with this. You and your child deserve so much more.

nutbrownhare15 · 04/03/2026 20:44

Smash the games console and tell him to grow the fuck up

Goldfsh · 04/03/2026 20:44

Why is he gaming when you have a newborn?

I would just leave this man.

minmooch · 04/03/2026 20:44

I’m sorry but your DH is bing useless and I’m not sure I could forgive him. He needs to step up for you and his daughter. If he does have depression then he needs to seek medical help and get himself better. If he is just being a lazy, selfish arse then he would be given short, sharp shrift from me to buck up or pack up and move out. There is nothing as lonely as living with your partner who is being anything but.

this is not normal behaviour. Do not lie for him.

I would talk to him honestly. Give him one chance to accept his failings and make the necessary changes. if he doesn’t think it’s necessary to make changes I’d be leaving him.

you sound like a strong independent woman who could do this on your own.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 04/03/2026 20:47

Man child

Bigtreeesss · 04/03/2026 20:49

What’s he said when you’ve called him out for being a useless prick and a shit dad?

Spookyspaghetti · 04/03/2026 20:50

It sounds awful and he needs to either step up or seek help for mental health if this is a depression or PND thing. (As men can get a form of it too) But you can’t force your partner to co-sleep.

Following strict guidelines means co-sleeping can be done in a safer way but it is still not as safe as putting baby to sleep on their back in their own empty cot. You can’t make someone else take that risk and as he sounds very half hearted anyway would you really trust him to follow the safer sleep rules?

RaspberryRipple3 · 04/03/2026 20:52

Gaming and lounging around in bed when he should be looking after his child or doing stuff around the house? He’s a lazy, useless POS.

HattiesBag · 04/03/2026 20:56

Gosh OP, it all sounded quite normal and standard until it suddenly didn't.

He's in so much pain he can't lie with his baby, yet he can game?

It's either depression/pnd or a serious medical issue and he needs to get to the bottom of it, for all of your sakes.

Jellytotsapplepie · 04/03/2026 21:01

Men that do gaming immediately lose my respect…..and i say that as a women who loved gaming in adolescence but made a concerted effort not to carry on due to how addictive it was! Theres no space for it in adult family life

homeatlast25 · 04/03/2026 21:06

Not normal at all. My ex was useless when our son was born. Would sit up late at night drinking, wallowing and then sleep in every morning. (He later became extremely abusive)
While yours might not be drinking, he's gaming and leaving everything to you. My best advice is stop covering for him. Open up to your family and support network.
Women are in their most vulnerable post partum. He should be helping you and caring for you both. It's not on you to mind him now. You need to mind yourself and your baby. Ask your family for help if you can and be honest about how little he's doing. If he's unwell he needs to go to his gp. But it's not on you to force him to go. Post partum with a useless/selfish partner is horrendous to go through.

mum2jakie · 04/03/2026 21:07

Don't cover for him with friends and family, maybe their judgement of him as a pathetic loser might shame him into stepping up as a partner and a parent. Reading this has made me so angry on your behalf!

UninitendedShark · 04/03/2026 21:19

Turn the WiFi off and then watch him miraculously be able to get out of bed to fix it. Then tell him to either pull his weight or ship out.

Also men do not get PND they just realise the world doesn’t revolve around them and they’ve got responsibilities they’d probably rather not have.

For your own sanity you need to try and work on the Velcro baby situation but that’s not going to happen if you’re the only one looking after her. I had one and it’s tough.