To have expected more of DH post partum?

[embroideredpanda]

First baby is 4 months old. DH and I have been together 10 years. Very calm relationship. Prior to baby, I would say quite an even division of labour in the household, though I was carrying the “mental load”.

All through pregnancy, DH seemed really excited. The first few weeks of baby’s life, he tried really hard. He was doing lots of skin-to-skin and basically running the household single handedly while I nursed and held baby. He had a longer pat leave than standard.

Even so, things started to creep. I would be nap trapped on the sofa and he would eat lunch and go play video games. I would be starving! He wouldn’t offer food or even come see me so I could ask. I couldn’t exactly call to him as it would wake the baby. Or, baby would be screaming at night and he just wouldn’t get out of bed. I found these times quite emotionally challenging to be faced with such a distressed baby.

The first four weeks he would help in the night, but then that stopped abruptly. He moved to the spare room and just left me to it. He started staying up late to game and ended up on a schedule of sleeping midnight-9/10am. Meanwhile DD and I were going to bed at 9pm and waking at midnight, 2am, 4am and up for the day before 6am most days. My friends or family would come visit and I would lie that he had helped in the night to explain why he was still in bed.

Around baby’s 2 month mark, he started having pains (his hip, his knees, his back, his neck). It has got to the point he had has blood tests, x-rays, physio and no medical professional can find anything wrong with him. Due to all these pains he claims he can’t even hold DD now. She is what you might call a “Velcro” baby. I hold or co-sleep with her about 23 hours a day. I’ve tried asking if he can lie next to her on the bed while I shower or something but he says he wouldn’t be able to catch her if she rolled. He has spent this week in bed, gaming and performatively saying how much he’s looking forward to spending time with DD when he’s better.

Anyway, I guess AIBU to not have expected this or are all men like this in the end?

IMO men often do not reveal their true selves until after children are born. I think you need to talk to him in a calm way about your expectations. It’s very hard in the early months especially if you’re bf but as soon as you can make sure you take clear chunks of time away from the home and just leave him to it. Things got better when I returned to work. But I’m not going to pretend I’ve found a solution. My DH is also autistic and he’s not the parent I thought he’d be. I do feel abandoned a lot of the time (kids now 8 and 5)

Wow I’m shocked by your husband’s behaviour. I’m divorced but my then DH was fantastic with our DC when they were babies, couldn’t have asked for more. He got up in the night right from the beginning to change nappies and took his role very seriously and I always felt like we were in it together.
You must be so disappointed in your DH - seriously WTF is wrong with him?

This is one of the most egregious examples of being a terrible parent I've seen on here. You desperately need to reframe your thinking, he isn't 'helping' at night when he was parenting. He was doing the bare minimum, parenting the child he created.

It's insanity that he is somehow so poorly he can't parent his child, conveniently, but can play video games just fine.

You need to knock the bedsharing on the head ASAP, if you are going to be doing most of this on your own, you can't be expected to be attached to your baby 23hr of the day. That's not sustainable, nor is it safe to be sleeping on an adult mattress when she's there with you. Get a next to me cot if you must. In 2m you can safely sleep train if you want to and get her sleeping in her own cot, safely, so you can get proper sleep.

This isn't normal at all, in case that helps. When our baby was born DH did much more than me for the first couple of weeks while I was recovering from a brutal labour and birth. Then once we were home from hospital he did pretty much everything except for pump and breastfeed. He gave bottles, changed nappies, got up in the night, stayed up overnight after jabs so DS would sleep when he was unsettled from them, got up early before work so he could take DS for a couple hours so I could sleep, took him as soon as he got in the door at night. DS is now 6yrs and I can say hand on heart that we've been 50/50 since day one, with each of us picking up a little more or less depending on circumstances. DH knew how to settle DS and interpret his different cries. Now DH knows everything I do (favourite food, current favourite book, homework due, which pieces to practice from flute lessons, when the next kids party is, whether we've picked up a gift, when his next medical appointment is, who his best friend at school is, etc.). None of this is remarkable or out of the ordinary, it's just being a good parent.

Actually, that's almost exactly what you said. A lot of this thread has been mind blowing in it's blind defence of this man and how upset HE must be but yours is one of the most simpering. You blamed the OH's appalling behaviour entirely on OP. She made him do it, he's just sad, poor lamb.

Refusing to let DH attend to the baby? Give me a break. He's too busy attending to himself.

FGS! Wake up and kick him out. You’d be better off on your own. What an idiot he is. He very clearly doesn’t care about you or the baby.

Get rid of the games console and the useless man. I had one like this and it was much easier being on my own.

Some babies just need to be co-slept with. This isn't a co-sleeping bed sharing issue and making it into one seems to be blaming OP when it's her DH who needs to step up. Sleeping on an adult mattress can be fine as long as there are no blankets/duvets (I used to wear a onesie), the mattress is very firm and hair etc tied well up. It's far better than falling asleep on the sofa with them because you've not slept all night trying to settle them in their own space.

Your husband sounds selfish and immature. He hasn't settled down to the realities of parenthood yet but needs to pull his socks up. I can't believe he will do lunch for himself and not you, that is awful.

You need to have a frank conversation, you can't go on like this.

Good luck.

(It's your baby and his baby, or 'our' baby, not just 'baby'. Midwives and the like talk about 'Baby' because they can't be expected to remember all the names and details, but not parents.)

Umm are you quite all right? Don’t have the baby 23 hours a day cos poor DH is sad? He won’t even hold the baby. You’re dead wrong on this.

10 years is a good long while for him to put on an act but now he has finally decided to show you the real him.

Sorry but he’s lazy. And you should not be lying for him.

This is one of the worst bits of advice I’ve read on here, and goes much further than the post it quotes.

Honestly shocking.

Being “nap trapped” is a thing. It’s allowing a baby to have a nap in a situation that allows the baby to feel safe and secure, and the baby’s brain development will be happening whilst they’re sleeping peacefully and securely.

The OP’s husband was off work so there’s no reason to have to put the baby down and possibly wake them. He is there and not at work in order to help care for OP and the baby, and yes that includes bringing her food and drink. That’s literally why he’s there.

If the OP was alone, then yes she might have to put the baby down to go and get some food and r drink, or shower or whatever. But that can come later. The point of having two people off with the baby is so they can care for each other and the baby, not go off gaming whilst the baby is left to cry because the OP needs to meet her basic needs.

Babysitters don’t need booking as well whilst both parents are off with the baby.

Yes my ex was like this, having a child together highlighted what a useless overgrown toddler he was. He had excuses for everything and yet was full of opinions. Spent too much time running around after him. Although the one thing he would do was co sleep with the baby, any excuse to sleep. He sounds like a selfish Muppet to me.

Riot act. NOW! @embroideredpanda go all in on this and tell him that he is an equal parent and you expect him to put in a shift.

you need food at the very least, he needs to help or at least agree to coordinate and share waking overnights.

stop covering for him too. Shame the useless MF now and tell everyone just how hard he’s making this for you.

So no medical professional has found anything wrong with him? What does that suggest? He's lying to you and being in pain doesn't stop you being a parent.
I have suffered chronic back pain since I was a teenager to the point I can barely walk sometimes but I still managed to care for my children when they were babies and still do now. If he can game for hours on end then he can look after your baby. If you're really worried leave her in moses basket or chair while you shower so there's no worry of her rolling or put a pillow behind her. Change the WiFi password and see if he can manage to sort that out if he can you know he's perfectly capable of parenting.
I also don't understand posters saying he's depressed. Basically so what? I had horrendous PND with DD1 I didn't just fuck off and play games for hours. I still cared for my baby.
You know this isn't right or you wouldn't be lying to your family and friends. Be honest with them. Be honest with him either he helps or he leaves. Does he truly bring anything good to your life?

YANBU to expect more and no all men are not like that

Being “nap trapped” is a thing. It’s allowing a baby to have a nap in a situation that allows the baby to feel safe and secure, and the baby’s brain development will be happening whilst they’re sleeping peacefully and securely.

Modern expectations of parents are off-the-scale unreasonable. Like really crazy-impossible level of unreasonable.
This baby is four months, not four weeks.

Babysitters don’t need booking as well whilst both parents are off with the baby.
Er - they need a baby sitter to have time together away from the baby.

I don’t think this event happened that recently - the nap trapped event. Obviously we don’t know exactly when but it seemed to be when the husband was off work on leave.

Modern expectations going hand in hand with modern accommodations- I’m saying whilst he was on paternity leave / otherwise off work, there’s no need to put the baby down to cry, as there’s two people there. The reason extended paternity leave is a thing is that it’s been discovered that babies do benefit from this sort of comfort, and that forcing a baby into a routine from day one (not saying you advocate for this but it’s the other extreme) can be detrimental to mother and baby.

Obviously when the husband is back at work, and when the baby is a bit older, things change. Obviously you can put a four month old down for a bit. Obviously you can do it at four weeks (or any age), but it’s been shown to be less ideal in the “fourth trimester”, and if there’s no need, don’t do it.

I was responding to a specific part of the pp’s post (very clearly so) with those words because that was a bit that jumped out at me - “there’s no such thing as nap trapped” - I was explaining why there is.

It's an inflammatory condition in the autoimmune diseases, like ankylosing spondylitis but even harder to spot and very difficult to get anyone to take it seriously.

Found it, nr-axSpA:

https://www.arthritis.org/diseases/ankylosing-spondylitis

In this situation she does need help…he isn’t doing anything?

Honestly the replies to this thread…!!!
Suggesting she doesn’t co-sleep, shouldn’t ever be nap trapped, and is unreasonable to hold a baby for 23 hours a day is INSANE!
When you are DESPERATE for your baby to sleep, you will do anything, even if you’re starving/need a wee/thirsty, you will suffer the nap trap, you’ll co sleep all night, you’ll do anything! Stop putting it on her!!!

No, not all men are like this.

DW is due our 4th very soon and I have chronic undiagnosed pain. I'm also an avid gamer.
Sometimes my pain flares up in my hands to the point that I just can't game - but nothing would stop me holding our daughter and caring for her.
Hand and wrist braces help. There are plenty of creams that can help. Pain relief exists.

I can't understand how he can game for hours on end but can't stop a baby from rolling off a bed.

I'm sorry he's an unhelpful twat man.

What has he actually said when you've spoken to him about it, OP? Does he understand that he isn't doing any parenting, and does he realise this is a problem?

It's not okay to essentially abandon you and the baby so he can play video games. Maybe he's depressed, sure, but that's still not an excuse (and playing video games isn't going to make him feel better.) I think you're crazy to tolerate this because you "actually really like him." I actually really like the neighbour's dog, but I'm not going to let it come in and shit on my carpet.

You need to have a come to Jesus talk with him.

Tell him:

It's unacceptable
He's not acting like a father or a husband/partner
He needs to get help if he thinks he is depressed
He needs to stop gaming
He has two weeks to show effort or he needs to move out

And mean it. My DH went through a short phase of being utterly shit though but not as bad as this and I told him "I would find life easier without you because all you are doing is making issues for me and not helping". I was prepared to chuck him out if he didn't improve, and he knew it.

My partner LOVED video games before becoming a dad. I never had to ask him to stop, he just knew. If one of us was nap trapped the other was doing chores or we would sit down together and watch a film/ series.

This really resonates. I had a fairly straight forward birth with an episiotomy. I was given instructions for keeping the stitch clean when using the bathroom so it took longer than normal.

The first time I used the bathroom at home it took a few minutes to follow the procedure (and also sitting was sore) and he had the baby who had started crying a lot. When I came out he handed her to me with such force I would say it was like throwing her at me. He was clearly stressed by the crying but it came out as anger. I’m still really annoyed about this incident.