To have expected more of DH post partum?

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First baby is 4 months old. DH and I have been together 10 years. Very calm relationship. Prior to baby, I would say quite an even division of labour in the household, though I was carrying the “mental load”.

All through pregnancy, DH seemed really excited. The first few weeks of baby’s life, he tried really hard. He was doing lots of skin-to-skin and basically running the household single handedly while I nursed and held baby. He had a longer pat leave than standard.

Even so, things started to creep. I would be nap trapped on the sofa and he would eat lunch and go play video games. I would be starving! He wouldn’t offer food or even come see me so I could ask. I couldn’t exactly call to him as it would wake the baby. Or, baby would be screaming at night and he just wouldn’t get out of bed. I found these times quite emotionally challenging to be faced with such a distressed baby.

The first four weeks he would help in the night, but then that stopped abruptly. He moved to the spare room and just left me to it. He started staying up late to game and ended up on a schedule of sleeping midnight-9/10am. Meanwhile DD and I were going to bed at 9pm and waking at midnight, 2am, 4am and up for the day before 6am most days. My friends or family would come visit and I would lie that he had helped in the night to explain why he was still in bed.

Around baby’s 2 month mark, he started having pains (his hip, his knees, his back, his neck). It has got to the point he had has blood tests, x-rays, physio and no medical professional can find anything wrong with him. Due to all these pains he claims he can’t even hold DD now. She is what you might call a “Velcro” baby. I hold or co-sleep with her about 23 hours a day. I’ve tried asking if he can lie next to her on the bed while I shower or something but he says he wouldn’t be able to catch her if she rolled. He has spent this week in bed, gaming and performatively saying how much he’s looking forward to spending time with DD when he’s better.

Anyway, I guess AIBU to not have expected this or are all men like this in the end?

You don’t have to say, but the only thing I would be interested in is whether the therapy is related to his childhood. If it is, there could be something deeper going on.

If not, ribena in the PlayStation.

Oh my word, man up is a term I wouldn't generally use for ffs what a weak excuse for a DP and DF!

There are a lot of people who are ill who aren't diagnosed for a long time. All sorts of things. As he's been so loving and supportive before, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt-I've seen too many people treated like hypochondriacs.

how is he gaming if so much pain he cant lie down next to a baby?

and irrelevant to th pain he wont even offer food or drink to his wife thats just not on

Massively avoidant is what we are dealing with. I reckon he also had autistic traits but I can’t tell whether it’s just being poorly socialised from an all male education.

Can I ask if yours managed to overcome the avoidance?

Very common

men don’t know their place and feel left out of the triangle.

i think you need to ask him to step up and also provide you meals at the least. You need to communicate with him.

if not, you had the option I stay at family for first 6 months. By then you can re-evaluate your relationship

While he needs to step up and you both need to talk and tell him this I think you thinking he’s having phantom pains when he’s going for tests etc maybe a bit much? You think he’s making it up?

I know skin on skin etc but if he can’t hold the baby then baby goes into wherever you keep the baby when not holding, so rocker Moses basket etc, and he gets her. You need to eat, wash etc. as someone says even if she screams don’t be the go to person, she’s his daughter.

Also he needs to sleep back in with you, I don’t know how men get away with this!

I’d be thinking very carefully about his attitude.

When you get ill he’ll be gaming and not looking after you or your baby.
When you need him during bad times (like a bereavement) he won’t support you emotionally.
If you get a pet you’ll be doing all the looking after it.

What a fucking useless waste of space.

Sorry OP, you need to nip this in the bud now. When do you plan to start bottle feeding? I would literally just hand the baby to him to feed, wouldn’t even ask him.

Fuck his mysterious “pains” - how convenient.

It sounds as if, since becoming a dad, he's slowly ground to a halt. So I'm wondering if he is overwhelmed by now being responsible for providing for a family and maybe also experiencing some new-parent depression. I wouldn't jump to all the "what a bastard!" thoughts that others have said. He sounds like he was fab before reality set in. I think you should check in with him and ask him what's going on.

It sounds as if he has time and energy for his own interests, staying in bed being another one of them.

No way, no way is he playing fair, does he have no conscience, he obviously has no interest in his daughter and that’s very sad.

Id be having a very serious talk to this chap, explaining how he needs to seriously step up and co-parent because atm he’s acting like a singleton. Making food for himself only 😳 - what the heck! He’s got a long way to go, to getting back to being a functioning partner. I really am sorry you are doing all this alone.

Sounds to me like he may have some depression or mental health issues so it's significant that he is seeing a therapist. That also tracks with the body pains and fatigue. My DH was like this when we had our second baby. He was in a high-stress job and once he went on paternity leave it was like he completely fell apart and started obsessing over pains in his jaw and dental issues. It was incredibly frustrating at the time and made me so angry with him but he now realizes looking back that he had burnout and the physical pain he was feeling was a symptom of this. He got better slowly once he began to realize that he had to set limits at work and accept that he couldn't do what his work expected of him. He also realized that the dental pain was in his head and a symptom of the burnout, not a real issue.

I stuck with him at the time because I had no choice as we were living abroad and I had no family around to help me and eventually we worked things out but it was really hard. I would ask your DH to go and see his doctor about a mental health check. Men can get postpartum depression too and it can show up in strange ways. If the therapy isn't helping, maybe he needs to try out some medication like an SSRI?

It sounds like he may have developed a gaming addiction? Perhaps say that you need to sit down for a serious conversation- then explain that you need more support and ask him if he would stop gaming altogether until the baby is older, as he initially had planned. If he will not agree, explain that the time off he is getting for gaming each day, you will also be getting for your own relaxation and he will be looking after the baby during that time..hopefully that will help him to realise how much time he's spending on it.

I would say I've read a study that shows WiFi impacts the baby's sleep and as he doesn't support you with the sleep you have binned the router.

It isn't normal no, he's being useless. However, no baby needs to be held for 23 hours a day, you would be exhausted if you were even each doing half. Put the baby down, she needs to get used to it. The idea of going hungry because you dare not get up because you have a baby on you is not normal either. You need to look after yourself.

None of his behaviour is normal.

Ring his Mum and tell her about how he can't even hold the baby. Ask if she can come and stay for a bit to help you out in and then she can witness what a lazy prick he is being.

I can't believe you have lied to make him look good and that you haven't thrown out the x box (or what ever console it is). I mean if you hide it in the boot of your car and he's in so much pain he can't hold a baby then he will be unable to go and fetch it back. Tell him you read a study about gaming and inflammation so you think it will help his new disability to have a proper break from gaming.

Unnecessarily bitchy comment.

OP describes a calm 10 year relationship prior to this where they shared the load equally, dont blame her for "bringing his child into the world", she obviously knew him well and thought he'd be a good dad.

OP I dont have the answer but I'd be telling him that he needs to either step up or move out for a bit because as things stand you wouldn't notice the difference if he's not there.

This is a time of transition for both of you but the gaming thing is a humungous ick. wtf is it with men who suddenly prioritisie gaming over family life?! ALS double ick him laying up in bed “resting”. Did he push a baby out of his vagina or have one sliced out of his stomach? I’m guessing you didn’t get a whole week in bed just resting up and pleasing yourself post-baby! And even if you did, you were still breastfeeding! Honestly I’m so angry for you OP. I would tell him as soon as you can that this behaviour is damaging your relationship, he can do with that what he will but I would be very clear that whilst you love him you are not his mother and he does not get to be another child in the house.

The minute you said gaming I recoiled

Hard agree 🤢

How is he spending so much time gaming? Does he not have a job?

You need to stop covering for him and start being honest with family and friends. Ask for help, and be honest in telling people that your husband is refusing to help. Even better if you have a relative who can come and stay for a few days to help- it will show up exactly what he’s doing.

If he is genuinely in pain, the gaming should stop so he can rest. He is taking you for an absolute mug.

I think a lot of people are judging him but it sounds strange that he suddenly went from being really involved to not at all and withdrawing into gaming. With the update that he has had depression in the past I would definitely be exploring this as an explanation.
I also wonder if something happened when he was holding the baby - maybe they wriggled unexpectedly and he felt he was going to drop them, or has someone made a comment about him doing things wrong (told him he wasn't supporting the head enough, told him he should be doing more).
I don't think I would write him off just yet.

I must admit the sudden change seems odd.

His behaviour is unacceptable to me. No not all men are like this. With dd1 and ds my dh did night wakeup 4 nights a week despite working full time and also whilst on paternity. With dd2 he was able to take a 3 month paternity leave and he did all the night feeds Monday through to Friday whilst I did the weekends. He missed the children whilst at work and gets straight into parenting the minute he walks through the door as do I.

My advice is to be truthful with your nearest and dearest about the pressure on you and his lack of parenting plus the gaming. You have a lot of patience as I would have kicked out both him and his PlayStation/gaming device of choice out by now. You need to have a sit down chat about how his behaviour has let you and your child down and needs to change now for this relationship to go forward. He has treated you terribly and you ought not to minimise it.

As for the baby being a velcro baby. This might well be advice you don't appreciate but you either need to get a sling so you can continue to do other things like eat or get baby used to being put down be it in a crib or bouncer or somewhere safe. You can't sustain what you are doing and are making your own life harder. Yes they will cry having used to being held all the time but you pick them up, cuddles ,kisses put them back down and eat or go to the loo.

You have had to get used to being the default parent and have done what you have needed to survive. There is no judgment here but this isn't sustainable long term and will breed resentment and the death of this relationship. You must value yourself and challenge his behaviour.