To have expected more of DH post partum?

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First baby is 4 months old. DH and I have been together 10 years. Very calm relationship. Prior to baby, I would say quite an even division of labour in the household, though I was carrying the “mental load”.

All through pregnancy, DH seemed really excited. The first few weeks of baby’s life, he tried really hard. He was doing lots of skin-to-skin and basically running the household single handedly while I nursed and held baby. He had a longer pat leave than standard.

Even so, things started to creep. I would be nap trapped on the sofa and he would eat lunch and go play video games. I would be starving! He wouldn’t offer food or even come see me so I could ask. I couldn’t exactly call to him as it would wake the baby. Or, baby would be screaming at night and he just wouldn’t get out of bed. I found these times quite emotionally challenging to be faced with such a distressed baby.

The first four weeks he would help in the night, but then that stopped abruptly. He moved to the spare room and just left me to it. He started staying up late to game and ended up on a schedule of sleeping midnight-9/10am. Meanwhile DD and I were going to bed at 9pm and waking at midnight, 2am, 4am and up for the day before 6am most days. My friends or family would come visit and I would lie that he had helped in the night to explain why he was still in bed.

Around baby’s 2 month mark, he started having pains (his hip, his knees, his back, his neck). It has got to the point he had has blood tests, x-rays, physio and no medical professional can find anything wrong with him. Due to all these pains he claims he can’t even hold DD now. She is what you might call a “Velcro” baby. I hold or co-sleep with her about 23 hours a day. I’ve tried asking if he can lie next to her on the bed while I shower or something but he says he wouldn’t be able to catch her if she rolled. He has spent this week in bed, gaming and performatively saying how much he’s looking forward to spending time with DD when he’s better.

Anyway, I guess AIBU to not have expected this or are all men like this in the end?

Yes OP. You should be ATTENDING TO YOUR HUSBAND'S NEEDS! Leave your baby in a drawer and be a proper wife ffs.

He took up baking. This was my thing before baby. Obviously I couldn’t bake as no time/baby was being clingy.

There is no "obviously" about it. You could have given him the baby to take out in the pram so that you couldn't hear the crying while you cracked on in the kitchen.
It was your choice to allow the baby to be clingy with you and take up all your time.

Not what I said.
I said she has been refusing to let DH attend to baby's needs.
See the difference?

Lose his gaming lead or chop it in half and then act dumb
he's an arseh

Totally. I did a lot of baking in the early weeks/months with a baby in a sling on me, so if you want the cookies, make the cookies.

Yes OP. You should be ATTENDING TO YOUR HUSBAND'S NEEDS! Leave your baby in a drawer and be a proper wife ffs

Noone is saying that of course. That is just silly. They are saying the balance is all askew. No mother should be glued to a baby 23 hours a day. To do so is a choice and consequences flow from that, for everyone, including the baby.

The baby needs to be put down in her crib, or even in her father's arms so he can be offered a role in parenting.

How's that then when shes been literally asking him to look after the baby whilst she showers and he refuses?

Should any father be glued to his PlayStation 24 hours a day, because you seemingly don't think that's even worth commenting on? Do consequences come from his choice to that?

This pretty much nails it, I think. 10 years in if you’ve had a good and broadly equal relationship, something must be amiss. I (as a bloke) found the first 12 months of our first incredibly hard, and looking back definitely had depression. It’s okay to not be okay, but it’s not okay to check out… some good communication is needed, maybe away from the baby if someone else could take them out for a walk for an hour or two?

I think all this "maybe he has depression " "maybe he has autism " maybe this maybe that. Many of us had PPD , did we refuse to hold our children? Plenty of us have autism, did we ignore our baby and game all night? Many of us had Csections that didn't heal, sepsis, 4th degree tears, major illnesses and injuries . Did we just stop doing anything for our families ? No. Did we fuck. So why do we let blokes get away with it while making up excuses FOR them.

He's a dosser. A shit husband and a shit dad. Tell him it's unacceptable and he needs to pull his socks up and stop being a pathetic dosser. Stop lying for him to make him look good. Because he'll be lying to make you look bad, I guarantee you.

I remember my family coming to see me and asking why my EX was in bed. I used to lie for him, call him a great dad, he's just depressed and struggling. No. He's an abusive dosser. He wanted the glory of people thinking he was a great dad. But when it came to actually doing the work he realised two things 1. Its fucking hard. 2. It's fucking thankless. There's no wooing crowds at 3am while you're walking a baby up and down the living room so your partner can sleep. So what's the point. Especially when all you have to do is let your wife lie about what a great dad you are or pretend to be ill and eveeyone woos over you anyway.

My ex became incapacitated by an umbilical hernia he'd had for over 10 years because he had a big round fat belly , he'd been to the doctors years ago and they'd said it's fine. If you lost weight it would go away. It had never given him an ounce of pain. Until I came home from the hospital after having a botched c section. I couldn't stand upright for months, I cried when I went to the toilet, bent down to pick something up, coughed or sneezed. I couldn't wear Normal underwear or any clothing that touched my scar at all for nearly 2 years. I had scans and stuff on it and they said it was becuase the nerve damage, alot of peoples nerves go dull, that's why they can't feel anything around the scar. Mine did the opposite, they got stuck in the "were being cut" phase so that's what I felt, all day every day until they finally healed. But I still carried my baby, still changed the nappies, still washed the bottles. Because he couldn't, his belly hurt too much. Couldn't pass me things off the floor, his belly hurt too much.

You thought he'd be a good dad. He thought he'd be a good dad. When push came to shove he didn't have it in him.

Something weird is going on for me.

The physical symptoms plus the change from being helpful (and good for 10 years) to this, is not normal.

It could be that he is just useless, or there could be something else going on. PND, mental health, etc. Or maybe the physical issues are real and part of a problem that hasn't been found medically yet?

Or.. and I suspect this is probably more likely, sadly, he was actually always a bit like this, but you could overlook it without the stress of a baby included?

Oh, I also thought we were a very good team before having a baby. Looking back, he was always a deadweight, I was just very good at carrying everything. You already say "were quite even but I carry the mental load." Maybe he does more than nothing but does he actually do as much as you? Without being asked?

Mine became a little bit like this. Sleeping in while I got up early with the baby. It was so hard facing whole day when I’d been up at 5. After a couple of weeks of this I told him it wasn’t on. There was a lot of other mental load stuff and I had to just keep pointing it out every time. He’d huff and puff a bit then eventually sort it out.

Here is what helped me:
-I found a really good baby group where I would go and commiserate with mum friends. It was a talking and listening group. If you can find one like that, eg Mindful Mums or something that would be good.
-Booking in self care stuff and taking the baby along. Haircuts. Exercise classes for mums.
-Making him go to therapy about the birth, as he was extremely traumatised but it didn’t show itself for months and when it did it manifested as anger. He’s better now.
-Knowing that I matter and that I was GOING to shower every day and eat meals. It happened no matter what.
-Knowing that I had options and I was with him because I chose to be (and making him aware of this too.) When these men sulk in bed or hide in the toilet pretending to take a dump, what they are actually teaching us is that we can do it by ourselves and it’s actually easier to parent one baby rather than one baby and one enormous, overgrown toddler.

We’re mostly through it a couple of years on and he is present and involved. I am happy and well-rested. I harbour some resentment (which he is aware of) but the choice I have made is to stay knowing that I can leave anytime if that bullshit starts up again.

Also. Criticising a mother for holding her baby is some utter bullshit. She's doing all this completely alone. Maybe she hasn't got the emotional capacity to also listen to her baby cry while she tries to "look after herself" provide for her own basic needs. I was holding everything together by a thread. I couldn't handle listening to my baby cry while my dosser husband ignored him. So I went without, becuase it's not as distressing having hairy pits as it is listening to your baby scream.

OP try putting baby in a baby bath in the bottom of the shower, or getting a bouncer that doesn't have electronics. Or just bring the highchair in with you. Leave the shower door open and put a towel down and angle the shower head away from the door. Mine kinda enjoyed watching me shower, I thing the water can act like white noise. But the sling is a lifesaver.
It'll get easier.

If he has the ability to game then he has the ability to hold/help with your baby! These unidentified aches & pains all seem rather convenient.
What you're describing is not normal behaviour and if it doesn't change then resentment will set in (if it hasn't already), which will likely irreparably damage your relationship.
It almost sounds as though he thinks because he did "so much" in the early days that he's done his bit & he can just kick back and go back to how life was before parenthood. Unfortunately for him he needs to realise that he's signed up for the long haul! If he's not prepared to change then you need to re-evaluate your relationship.

That would irritate the hell out of me but dads get post partum depression too maybe he should go to the doctors ,if all is good and nothing is wrong put your foot down and demand some help .

He sounds scared of the baby, sorry to say. All well being excited initially, but then not following through indicates he is scared. My ex was the same. Screaming baby and he'd say "I don't see what the problem is, look, just put him on your lap and he'll sleep!" but then totally lost interest after a few weeks, and now haven't seen him in decades.

This pain he is in, and that no one can find a cause for. I'm sorry again but I think he's lying.

I don't know what the answer is, but when this happened with me, we divorced.

Something very similar happened to me and I realised that pre baby, the division of labour only seemed fair and there really wasn’t much to do. Also had a high needs baby and would wake to find DH ex now, thankfully, had left at 6am to play 7 hours of golf, return to expect me to chirpy and cheery and entertain him over dinner. It was the biggest shock I’ve ever experienced. Even now as we coparent, my career is second to his (we both work in the same profession) if there is a meeting, he will have to attend and I will send my apologies. Sorry, OP.

What does he say about his behaviour? You don't mention discussing it with him, but it must have come up at some point? Has he given a reason for seeming to have checked out? Does he recognise that he is not pulling his weight?

Good for you. I didn’t have the core strength to do much with the baby in the sling post the pregnancy and birth, my back would hurt. And I wasn’t getting the sleep to help recover. So baking for fun with baby in the sling was totally completely out. The op needs support not to be told she’s just not mumming well enough.

Doesn’t sound like you’ve spoken to him? Tell him how dare he make lunch and not offer you any. Firmly tell him he needs to step up!!

Men do not have PND, because they cannot get pregnant and give birth, being depressed because a baby has changed your life is not the same as PND.

Even if he is depressed that is no excuse to completely check out and neglect his wife and child when they need him the most. He should go to the GP and get some help.

It sounds to me like he liked the idea of having a baby, but now the reality is here and the novelty has worn off he’s completely checked out. My best friend’s husband was the same, very involved for a few weeks, then completely useless, her kids are 6 and 2 now and he’s still no better, they’re getting a divorce.

Bloody hell, your body is the one that's been through the mill! He's clearly reacting to the new normal where you have a tiny amount of free time and has gone too far the other way, I can't advise as my husband (also together ten years before having our child, also quiet peaceful relationship) really took on more than 50/50 in the early days and still does 50/50 now with a toddler. But you jeed to have a frank conversation with him, aches and pains aren't an excuse and you don't really get to take time off from.being parent even when sick tbh!

Re the gaming, I'm not a big gamer but there's one I like to play to chill out, and its the kind of game you would accidentally play for 4 hours witbout realising. I didn't play it at all when my baby was born as I didn't have time, and when I did get some time back inwas reluctant to pick it up again as its such a time drain. He needs to be more disciplined and not waste so much time sitting on his arse playing video games when he has a wife and daughter.

Agree he is useless.
have your shower with baby safe in a seat/bouncer. If she cries for ten minutes she will still live. It’s ok to be carried around sometimes; it’s also ok for you to take care of yourself.

xxx

he would eat lunch and go play video games. I would be starving! He wouldn’t offer food or even come see me so I could ask. I couldn’t exactly call to him as it would wake the baby.

I’ve tried asking if he can lie next to her on the bed while I shower or something but he says he wouldn’t be able to catch her if she rolled.

I would lie that he had helped in the night to explain why he was still in bed.

I'm sorry OP but why are you pandering to him so much? It sounds like you are falling into the role of martyr quite spectacularly!

The parenting experience is obviously not what he thought it would be, he may be genuinely struggling to adapt, but ignoring YOUR needs, while he fucks off doing his own things there is no excuse for.. if he can't engage with parenting, he needs to 100% support you in what you need, that means getting meals, taking up the slack in the household, whatever you need, he can't just opt out of everything, so stop letting him. Why couldn't you call him or text him to tell him what you need when baby was asleep?

You are ENABLING this behaviour by meekly accepting it as fact, and it will never get better on it's own, so stop accepting it, stop lying to your friends and family and start TELLING him what he needs to be doing (instead of asking).

The first 6 months are really hard IMO, you're doing amazing doing it all on your own, don't be afraid to give him both barrels, you'll grow to hate him otherwise.

If this dude, who is a paraplegic, can find a way to hold his baby and help care for his children, then the dad here can.