To have expected more of DH post partum?

[embroideredpanda]

First baby is 4 months old. DH and I have been together 10 years. Very calm relationship. Prior to baby, I would say quite an even division of labour in the household, though I was carrying the “mental load”.

All through pregnancy, DH seemed really excited. The first few weeks of baby’s life, he tried really hard. He was doing lots of skin-to-skin and basically running the household single handedly while I nursed and held baby. He had a longer pat leave than standard.

Even so, things started to creep. I would be nap trapped on the sofa and he would eat lunch and go play video games. I would be starving! He wouldn’t offer food or even come see me so I could ask. I couldn’t exactly call to him as it would wake the baby. Or, baby would be screaming at night and he just wouldn’t get out of bed. I found these times quite emotionally challenging to be faced with such a distressed baby.

The first four weeks he would help in the night, but then that stopped abruptly. He moved to the spare room and just left me to it. He started staying up late to game and ended up on a schedule of sleeping midnight-9/10am. Meanwhile DD and I were going to bed at 9pm and waking at midnight, 2am, 4am and up for the day before 6am most days. My friends or family would come visit and I would lie that he had helped in the night to explain why he was still in bed.

Around baby’s 2 month mark, he started having pains (his hip, his knees, his back, his neck). It has got to the point he had has blood tests, x-rays, physio and no medical professional can find anything wrong with him. Due to all these pains he claims he can’t even hold DD now. She is what you might call a “Velcro” baby. I hold or co-sleep with her about 23 hours a day. I’ve tried asking if he can lie next to her on the bed while I shower or something but he says he wouldn’t be able to catch her if she rolled. He has spent this week in bed, gaming and performatively saying how much he’s looking forward to spending time with DD when he’s better.

Anyway, I guess AIBU to not have expected this or are all men like this in the end?

He sounds basically useless
this is just shocking
I would 100% not put up with this crap

practically speaking -I’m a mum of 3 whose husband works 60/70 hr weeks and isn’t home much - keep a baby bouncer in the bathroom- pop them in so you can wee or have a shower. Also babywearing - pop bubs in a sling and they can settle and contact nap etc so you’re not nap trapped- you can go about your business, make yourself lunch etc

I had one like this. Good for the first 2 weeks, then just left everything to me. Very similar to your situation in that I had a velcro baby, and he was off gaming instead of helping.
I left him when the baby was 2 months old, and do not regret it!

No not all men are like this. The gaming is pathetic. The 4 month mark is tough and more so if you have a Velcro baby. Once his diagnosis is clear, you need to have a conversation about him stepping up. And it’s not to help you, he is equally responsible for looking after the baby.

What a useless waste of space.

I would give him exactly one chance. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is making me dislike him and I'm considering ending the marriage unless he stops gaming and starts contributing to family life. I'd tell him he can have 24 hours to think about it. And the minute he lets me down again, he's out.

And I would mean it, OP. You're better off on your own than with this useless lump.

I have a friend who took her husband's game console and threw it out of the window. Might sound extreme but she got her point across 😂 it's blindingly obvious that your DH shouldn't be spending his time gaming and should be pulling his weight in caring for your new baby. You need to give him a big kick up the arse (metaphorically of course 😉)

I’m sorry if this is going to be considered “drip feeding”.

He used to game once a week before the baby. This was a social thing with a family friend who is agoraphobic so I really thought he was doing it more as a kindness than actual interest. But he put this weekly thing on pause before the baby because he thought he wouldn’t have time. Yet, he is now gaming daily alone.

I have wondered if it’s some kind of PND. He does see a therapist weekly fora reason I won’t disclose. He has had depression in the past, but claims to be fine now.

For the people saying to end things, honestly this is all very out of character. I actually really like him. We have a great time together. I’m just so confused and feel really let down. I’m glad so many people on this thread have had good experiences, but it does make me sad to read as this was what I was expecting. That being said, I’m motherhood and trying to focus on this special time with the baby.

Thank you for the Velcro baby advice. It has become more manageable as time has passed. I make good use of the sling and we got one of those high chairs with an infant attachment that she tolerates if she it’s right next to me.

Also, to clarify, I was not asking DH to co-sleep! I co-sleep. I was asking DH to lie next to DD while she plays on the bed and I could do some things.

You like him but do you think he likes you? Have you asked him?

The resentment of someone preserving themselves at your detriment is immense

This!

Having had one just like as useless (now exh), this sentence sums it all up.

I couldn’t watch a perfect stranger work themselves to the bone, be utterly drained with sleep deprivation, and simply preserve myself, my sleep and my relaxation at their expense. Much less if the thing that was draining them was a joint responsibility that I was shirking because I could, and just because I thought they’d be no consequence. Now imagining it’s someone I claimed to love, the mind boggles.

Realising my exh was just selfish to the core was such a bitter realisation.

If this goes on any longer you won’t ever be able to come back from it. I couldn’t anyway, the resentment just doesn’t go away.

Have you had this conversation with your husband? Ask him why he's refusing to hold the baby? Sounds like he started really well, i wonder if something changed. Is he worried about hurting the baby or something?

I can relate to some of it. The 4 month sleep regression was horrendous, DH also moved into the spare room while I slept 20 minutes at a time with DS in the other room. He also stays up stupidly late to game but i know this is just him decompressing, it doesn't excuse him from parenting.

Don't just put up with it and resent him. Talk to him about it!

Be a shame if that gaming controller got stood on.

i suspect no winter vitamin D - has he taken his?

What a selfish wanker. How do you manage to even look at him?

Why are you lying to friends and family to protect him?

That said... could something else be going on other than him being a useless shit? Men can get postpartum depression too.

Have you said any of this to him? It’s not acceptable.

Odd how men never get too depressed to game...

No, not all men are like this AT ALL.
Possible options to consider:
he is deliberately making this all up
his mental health is deteriorating
aches/pains could be due to the gaming (?)
something else
a mixture of one or more of the above

I think your priority has to be you and the baby. So do not cover for him just be honest. If your parents can help you, let them. If it’s possible your DH needs help, everyone has to be honest about what’s going on also.

I think most men are disappointing postpartum but to be gaming over caring and helping for you and baby is unbelievable. That is a whole new level of selfish and quite frankly unkind.

Unbelievable that he doesn’t offer to make you lunch or look after his own child while you have a shower. If he’s fine to game then he’s fine to sit with a baby. You need to have a serious word. He sounds depressed.

Mine started off like this and it got to the stage where he’d fully checked out by the time the eldest was 2 (I had the second soon after my first). Currently going through one of the most horrendous divorces. I hope it doesn’t happen to you OP but do be warned- they only get worse.

He sounds like an utter shit. Some harsh words need to be had.

Listen, I'm a gamer, husband is a gamer. But that was massively curtailed when our kids were little, because it has to! Having a baby and malingering are not excuses to opt out of family life.

I ended up having a massive shout at DH when I was on the sofa bf DD one Saturday, and he happily announced he was off out to do "some chores". I screamed that looking after his own child should be his number one chore. He changed his attitude.

Mine was convinced he had glandular fever. But no diagnosis obvs. Or symptoms other than having to get a full night's sleep. He managed to go to work but wouldn't do any nights as baby was breastfed, had colic and never slept . He was a total prick about it and our relationship never recovered. He is massively avoidant and def has autistic traits but again won't get a diagnosis so all I can believe is that he didn't give a fuck.

He literally leaves you hungry, and probably thirsty, because he doesn’t care and finds other things more interesting. He doesn’t behave like he likes you at all. Please expect better for yourself and your baby.

Honestly OP your posts have given me the absolute rage!
How can you even look at him let alone like him!
what an absolute waste of space he is! Get rid of him!

I would stop the gaming by removing it , sell it or hide it.

Then when he asks where it is tell him he is a lazy bastard and help.

I bet he expects sex in the only hour that you have .