To have expected more of DH post partum?

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First baby is 4 months old. DH and I have been together 10 years. Very calm relationship. Prior to baby, I would say quite an even division of labour in the household, though I was carrying the “mental load”.

All through pregnancy, DH seemed really excited. The first few weeks of baby’s life, he tried really hard. He was doing lots of skin-to-skin and basically running the household single handedly while I nursed and held baby. He had a longer pat leave than standard.

Even so, things started to creep. I would be nap trapped on the sofa and he would eat lunch and go play video games. I would be starving! He wouldn’t offer food or even come see me so I could ask. I couldn’t exactly call to him as it would wake the baby. Or, baby would be screaming at night and he just wouldn’t get out of bed. I found these times quite emotionally challenging to be faced with such a distressed baby.

The first four weeks he would help in the night, but then that stopped abruptly. He moved to the spare room and just left me to it. He started staying up late to game and ended up on a schedule of sleeping midnight-9/10am. Meanwhile DD and I were going to bed at 9pm and waking at midnight, 2am, 4am and up for the day before 6am most days. My friends or family would come visit and I would lie that he had helped in the night to explain why he was still in bed.

Around baby’s 2 month mark, he started having pains (his hip, his knees, his back, his neck). It has got to the point he had has blood tests, x-rays, physio and no medical professional can find anything wrong with him. Due to all these pains he claims he can’t even hold DD now. She is what you might call a “Velcro” baby. I hold or co-sleep with her about 23 hours a day. I’ve tried asking if he can lie next to her on the bed while I shower or something but he says he wouldn’t be able to catch her if she rolled. He has spent this week in bed, gaming and performatively saying how much he’s looking forward to spending time with DD when he’s better.

Anyway, I guess AIBU to not have expected this or are all men like this in the end?

I disagree with the remarks about no place for gaming in family life and that adults shouldn't be gaming.
Both me and my DP game but its once everything else is sorted, house and kids and its our downtime.
If someone is addicted to gaming though it is extremely detrimental.

There is no excuse for his behaviour unless he has developed PND. But I would be inclined to think this would put him off his hobbies as you have no desire for anything.

How he is treating you and his baby is deplorable and no, not all men are like this.

What was he like in the 10 year relationship is this out of character, or has he always been selfish? Had he always gamed above and beyond jobs, housework and spending time with you.

Do you have family you can lean on? Don't keep your resentment in. Id be inclined to tell him you've had enough as hes doing sweet fk all for you and baby. If you can go and stay with family for help.

If he doesn't sort himself out, your relationship is done. The resentment will kill it

I don't think all men are like this but a surprising amount are. My husband was a great partner before we a DD but sadly he just never stepped up as a dad.

I was very poorly after her birth (was diagnosed with sepsis and cancer a week later) but I did all the night wake up even though I could barely get out of bed. Once I was out of hospital it was back on me to do all her care again.

Fast forward a couple of years and he's not improved at all. I now have a stage 4 cancer diagnosis which i recently started a new drug for. I woke up a few days ago throwing up, every time i sat up for more than a few seconds I needed to be sick. Still spent two hours getting DD ready for nursery between madly running to the bathroom. DH was awake but stayed in bed on his phone until he needed to get up and shower for work.

DH is a gamer too but I honestly expected so much better from him. He was a great partner for the 7 years before DD was born and was fully on board with having a baby too. I won't leave because I do rely on him for stuff with me being so poorly. I also don't know how long I have left on this earth and when I die he'll be her main carer so I need them to be together as much as possible. Not an easy task since he works all week and escapes all day Sunday for his hobby so I do all bed, bath and meal times. We only really get Saturdays together as a family and he hardly spends any time alone with her, certainly not regularly, but it's the best I can do unfortunately.

If you can and want to leave though I'd think about it. At least have a serious conversation with him about stepping up because otherwise you're going to end up doing it all like I do. I really hope he improves for you OP but sadly I won't hold my breath.

I would say that if this is all very out of character, then he is most likely struggling with the reality of being a parent, it seems like he was expecting things to get easier after the first few weeks?

Theres no excuse for his behaviour though. Is he signed off from work? You both need to have a serious talk, he needs to sort himself out by being an adult, husband and father. OP, please dont make excuses for him. Be honest, you need to be able to talk to someone as well, otherwise your own wellbeing is going to worsen

It sounds like he has some kind of post baby mental health condition. He needs to go to a dr and get properly sorted . Can’t even hold the baby ? Sorry but that’s a joke and I don’t believe it for one minute. This is so unfair on you. He needs to shape up. Bet he’s still able to play video games despite this condition

No it doesn’t get better I’m afraid. What happens is your children grow up and realise their father prefers gaming/work/cycling over them and shows no real interest in them, instead doing the bare minimum he can get away with. You turn into an eternal nag who becomes grateful for the smallest act of ‘help’. The burning resentment grows until one day you wake up and realise you actually hate him. Then of course it’s game over.

I think you be honest with him. In your shoes for me that would be calmly saying I do hope you get much better soon as you haven’t been much of a dad or a partner so far, and our relationship is hanging by a thread while you ramp up your gaming like we never had a baby and feeding yourself while ignoring me trapped under a baby.

Yes. I would suggest to him the the gaming is effectively giving him RSI which is affecting his body. Also the routine he is in is totally wrong for a healthy adult. Is he still on leave? Are you seeing other people? Going out?

I have only read the first few posts and is it any wonder men getaway with murder when there are so many apologists for them? Depression my foot. He's a lazy twat and would be getting divorce papers if he didn't get a talking to and grow up.

I'd be calling time on things personally. Unforgivable behaviour.

Why have you been covering for him? If people ask why he is asleep, tell them it's because he is having a lie in. No not all men are like that at all. If you are breastfeeding it's not uncommon for just the woman to wake up (unless they are crying too much), but then he has to wake up with her at around 5 or whatever, so you can get your sleep then. It's up to him to manage his own schedule of sleep so he isn't too tired.

You've got yourself a big grown up man baby. Lazy and sulking because your attention is on the real baby.

It's entirely possible that he has the silent spine inflammatory condition whose name escapes me for the moment and cannot be seen on x rays until it is really advanced. It's very, very debilitating.

He needs to see a rheumatologist, and you'll probably have to pay £250 to see one privately if you want that any time soon.

In the meantime he could ask his GP for an amitrypteline trial as that is often the first line of attack.

Sounds very very difficult, OP. I know what it’s like to have no support from a partner.

i peesume you have tried asking him to do less gaming and spend time with you.

Regarding hjs pains - just because a doctor can’t find anything, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist, it means they have not done the right investigations or there is no way to see or objectively measure his problem. (speaking as someone with ME/CFS where there are no objective tests or measurements to prove I have it, even though it is physical not a psychological illness)

It sounds like attention-seeking behaviour; all the aches and pains, me me me. He could be jealous of the baby

It’s unforgivable behaviour. I wouldn’t be able to forgive this

I hold or co-sleep with her about 23 hours a day.

This is just not reasonable. I am not surprised your OH is getting a bit fed up and trying to detach himself from this scenario a bit. It is not sustainable and will not help in the long term for any of you, including the baby.

You must start gently settling your baby on her own so that you are available to connect with your OH and with the life of the household.

I am not in the least saying that your OH should not be a support and pull his weight - mine always did - but if you are glued to that baby for 99% of the day and night and totally disengaged from any other life then your OH is understandably pissed off.

A balance needs to be struck and your baby is of an age when you need to start making this happen. Babies are born into families and need to get used to being a part of that and not the entire focus of everything. For the first couple of weeks then yes, but now is the time to move on a bit. Put that baby down!!!

Stenosis?

@SnowyVillage I’m so sorry to hear about your situation

OP, in my experience it isn’t unusual for men to treat paternity leave as extended me-time, nor is it unusual for them to really struggle to adapt to family life, especially if they’re bringing their own baggage with it or have not had a conventional family focused upbringing.

DH was very conscientious about bringing food/drinks, holding baby when I needed him to, doing all the chores so I could focus on establishing breastfeeding, etc. But once the first month or so was out of the way, he definitely stepped back. He took up baking. This was my thing before baby. Obviously I couldn’t bake as no time/baby was being clingy. But he took up baking cookies. I could have bloody killed him. My friend’s husband took up a punishing gym regime, requiring long recovery naps, interspersed with home brewing.

In your position, I think I’d be having a come-to-Jesus talk and being very clear that either there is something seriously wrong with him, in which case you’ll go back to the GP with him and explore options, or he needs to try something else to help himself. If he catches hold the baby, he should rest his wrists and stay away from a console.

Would he trial no gaming for two weeks, three sensible meals at normal times, and a gentle stroll outside in the fresh air with the buggy? If he says he can’t get out of bed beyond using the bathroom, then I would suggest the GP with you accompanying.

I would also not hide what’s going on from family. If he has a genuine physical or mental health problem, you will both need the support. If he’s being a dick, embarrassment may help him to feel a little better….

Feel free not to answer but does he discuss his therapy sessions with you and has he alluded to discussing this with a therapist? I would definitely try to nail down what he thinks is wrong and what he thinks next steps should be. I’m curious as to what his plan is around going back to work. Staying in bed for a week will leave him feeling wobbly and shaky, I would have thought.

Fuck me! So she's already providing all the childcare, whilst Mr Poor Me doesn't even bother getting out of bed, and you have the nerve to tell her SHES the one that needs to make more effort to connect with him? God we really do live in a world of dick panderers. He's a grown adult man, not a displaced toddler.

Oh gosh. I have a six month old and completely get the stage of life you’re in. I think you need to have a very clear conversation with him.

You need help from him. You are both parents, and he needs to support you and do his fair share. If he can game, he can sit and give a bottle/change a nappy/read a book to baby/shake a rattle. You need to be able to shower, eat breakfast, have a hot cup of tea, have 30 minutes on your own if he is in the house with you.

what about forcing him into it- Can you lay baby next to him and say you’re popping out to the shop for half an hour? or going to an ‘appointment’? I used to book nail appointments during bed time so that my husband had to do it on his own! Now he is confident doing it without me.

Set your expectations to him and go from there. Sending you love & support!!! Xx

No, she doesn't need help from him as it is not solely her job. No one ever says the mum is helping the dad when she does stuff ffs.

Tell the relatives you are very concerned about his ailments (!)

Stop protecting this utter loser. You have a classic manchild there.

This.

Being "nap trapped on the sofa" is really not a thing.
If you are hungry, put the baby down somewhere and go and eat.

Your DH is absolutely pissed off at you for letting the baby dictate your every waking move, so much so that you can't feed yourself and you expect him to look after you while you let a four month old baby pin you to the sofa!

Having the baby with you 23 hours a day is just not fair. He feels abandoned, left out, and you have been stealing his time and relationship with his own baby, making it all about you and refusing to relinquish your position as primary parent. He has now gone on strike.

Step one - learn to block your ears to the baby crying. Of course the baby is going to cry, it is what they do. As long as they are fed, warm, safe, etc. it is fine to put them down and leave them to cry for a short while.

You need to get a babysitter and go out for an evening with DH to have a real heart-to-heart over the state of your relationship, because there is fault on both sides here.

I know this post sounds harsh, but this is not a situation where DH is to be blamed for everything, especially after 10 years together and such a great start as parents.

He does not need pandering to - that is not what I said at all!

But that baby needs to be settled down in her crib so that the OP can connect with home life again. It is good for no-one for this current situation to continue. The OH is confronted with a very abnormal situation and is reacting to that.

Of course he needs to pull his weight. My OH used to get up in the night, bring baby to me to breast feed, then he changed her nappy and resettled her in the crib - so I did not need to get up at all. But I was not glued to the baby 23 hours a day!

This is so sad OP and definitely not all men, you deserve better. We have 2 under 2, youngest is 4 months now and my husband would just never behave like this, our marriage wouldn’t have survived if he had to be brutally honest. When he is not at work he is just as involved as I am, looks after me so that although I am doing the feeding (breastfed) he does pretty much everything else, makes and brings food to me when I am stuck feeding, makes little packed lunches for me & our toddler for the days he is at work so that if we are frazzled lunch is easy to grab, fills my water, I do the nights as he doesn’t have the ability to breastfeed but when he was sleeping badly husband would get up with him at 5am so I could get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, it makes me really quite sad to think other women don’t have that support from the person who helped them actually make that baby. My husband is a great man don’t get me wrong, but these things he does shouldn’t make him a Saint they should be just a normal and expected part of being a patent and partner.