To have expected more of DH post partum?

[embroideredpanda]

First baby is 4 months old. DH and I have been together 10 years. Very calm relationship. Prior to baby, I would say quite an even division of labour in the household, though I was carrying the “mental load”.

All through pregnancy, DH seemed really excited. The first few weeks of baby’s life, he tried really hard. He was doing lots of skin-to-skin and basically running the household single handedly while I nursed and held baby. He had a longer pat leave than standard.

Even so, things started to creep. I would be nap trapped on the sofa and he would eat lunch and go play video games. I would be starving! He wouldn’t offer food or even come see me so I could ask. I couldn’t exactly call to him as it would wake the baby. Or, baby would be screaming at night and he just wouldn’t get out of bed. I found these times quite emotionally challenging to be faced with such a distressed baby.

The first four weeks he would help in the night, but then that stopped abruptly. He moved to the spare room and just left me to it. He started staying up late to game and ended up on a schedule of sleeping midnight-9/10am. Meanwhile DD and I were going to bed at 9pm and waking at midnight, 2am, 4am and up for the day before 6am most days. My friends or family would come visit and I would lie that he had helped in the night to explain why he was still in bed.

Around baby’s 2 month mark, he started having pains (his hip, his knees, his back, his neck). It has got to the point he had has blood tests, x-rays, physio and no medical professional can find anything wrong with him. Due to all these pains he claims he can’t even hold DD now. She is what you might call a “Velcro” baby. I hold or co-sleep with her about 23 hours a day. I’ve tried asking if he can lie next to her on the bed while I shower or something but he says he wouldn’t be able to catch her if she rolled. He has spent this week in bed, gaming and performatively saying how much he’s looking forward to spending time with DD when he’s better.

Anyway, I guess AIBU to not have expected this or are all men like this in the end?

The incidents of being “nap-trapped” that I was mentioning were in the first few weeks, at the same time as the crazy breastfeeding hunger. I’ve sorted myself out since, but even before the baby I would have been kind of perturbed if DH made a meal for himself alone without asking if I wanted anything.

Also, to clarify, I’m holding the baby so much because DH won’t! I would LOVE to pass her over. I am the biggest encourager of their relationship! I’m being met with resistance. And I can’t stand to hear her cry if something as simple as being held would soothe her, I’m going to pick her up.

Why aren't you talking to him to find out why he is not wanting to help? It sounds like he is scared of holding them. The fact you are now mentioning he almost threw them back suggests he is panicked over what to do and needs guidance. Not everyone knows how to cope with a baby and maybe he is retreating as he doesn't know what to do.

Or maybe he's a lazy tosser who gets angry and aggressive when he's expected to be a parent for five minutes. Raise your standards.

OP, you need to get your ducks in a row. This man is not going to step up.

Sounds to me, that a real baby has displaced him from his man baby position in the family. He still wants all of the attention.

Needs to grow up big time.

I had exactly the same thought. Only the OP will know if this is a more likely possibility than him being a lazy so and so! Especially after having been so helpful in the beginning. Some sort of mental health issue could be behind the physical pain as well.

Now he's discovered how hard it is and the novelty has worn off he's checked out. Absolutely do not get pregnant with this man again, in fact I'd withdraw that possibility completely if you haven't already.

I am pretty sure shes tried this.

Why do some people think men need it SPELLING out to them in order for them to help?!

His wife needs help and support with THEIR baby, its in front of his face. Why does he need a chat, what next a list?!

I would send the giant baby back to his parents (or head off to mine where I might get some support)

playing fucking games - what a joke of a grown up.