Yet another absent father blaming 'the system'

[ScarlettSarah]

I'm tired of hearing it. That poor child. It's heartbreaking.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c9v079zpmvmo

Yes, the dad was working away, but he knew perfectly well things weren't right with his estranged ex-partner, and I struggle to believe he couldn't have done more in this situation. As if a woman would be working away in those circumstances.

AIBU to be sick of hearing this sort of stuff from men, who are held to such low standards in parenthood? The other classic examples I can think of is when a child dies in the custody of its mother (and sometimes a stepdad) and the biodad is looking sad all over the news while when you dig deeper, you realise most of the time he wasn't doing what he should have done as a dad.

In your line of work do you also invent things to confirm your biases, or is that something you only do as a leisure activity?

It is very difficult for a 'non resident' parent - usually but not always a father to enforce a court order in respect of contact with a child.

If you dont know how to go about it and have both money and half way decent lawyer it can be very difficult

My partner is ex military, he is an excellent, loving father. This is very assumptive.

Wait so he was harassing her to see his son but was also absent at the same time? Hmm.

The only proof of abuse was from the mother and the filthy disgusting conditions she force their child to live in.

But sure, let's make him the abusive one...

I wouldn't work abroad if my child's life was in danger.

My own DF fought for custody again and again when we were in an unsafe situation with our mother. He didn't give up.

This thread just proves that - in some MNetters' minds anyway - regardless of what has happened, it's ALWAYS the man's fault.
Don't force his way in to see his son - he doesn't care, shame on him
Forces his way in - he's abusive and harassing the innocent woman.

And how would you know if his life was in danger?

My DH fought for contact for 10 years and spend tens of thousands of pounds in the process.
His ex persistently broke orders 'because the children didn't want to' and was hauled back to court many times because if it. But in the end, the court had no options left apart from jail, which they would never do.
My DH gave up at the point when his ex ran out of legal aid and was applying for more via his 10-year-old son.

Tell me you know nothing about being in the military and all that.

my partner is ex military. He has 2 kids. Was he abusive when he was away with no contact at all for months at a time?

He was unaware that the house was in a shit state. He contacted SS. They could have gone in. They didn't. It's on them.

I can't imagine being so neglectful of my child that I don't even know the basic details of their living situation

Sure, he could probably have done more. I still wouldn't put him in the deadbeat category, at least not on just that article.

Would a woman do the same? Leave her kid for months on end if she was so worried about her child?

My mother did, or at least she spent years telling my siblings and I on the phone how worried she was while having no visits and not coming to see us. She lived less than 20 minutes drive away, worked in the area, and there was nothing legally stopping her.

It could be as the OP infers about this and other fathers who end up in situations like these in that she was saying what she thought she should in the situation as she wanted to appear the helpless victim, but actually didn't want to parent. What this guy is saying doesn't give me that impression though.

This is an absolutely fucking APPALLING thing to say. As are all the other vile, assumptive things you've said.
Regardless of any opinions on the father's actions, there is not a single part of that article that even remotely suggests the Dad was/is abusive. And to water down the awful trauma that young lad has experienced in this inappropriate and downright offensive way is terrible.

Absolutely he could have done more. Service in the armed forces is not indenture - who could have applied for leave to go and sort this out, who could have applied to court to get access, his son is a young teen so h should have been able to locate him and have him communicate if they had an ok relationships. None of things happened. If i was the parent in that situation nothing could have kept me away for years from my child nevermind if i knew the other parent was an alcoholic.

He absolutely failed his son. It doesn't sound like there was any type of custody agreement in place. When he was denied entry to the home he could have lobbied the court for visitation rights, called the police himself, contacted his ex's family or contacted his son directly.

The fact that he was worried about his ex calling the police and his job being affected makes me wonder if there were previous charges filed.

I'm all for berating absent fathers. There are plenty of them around.
But according to this man's account he was deployed abroad and, when home, tried repeatedly to see his son including going to the boy's home multiple times.
So it's not as simple as him being absent and absolving himself of responsibility. It sounds like he actually tried very hard. There may be other things he could have done, like take the mother to court, but the article doesn't mention this so we don't know whether he did or not.
Let's stick to the facts as we know them and not make assumptions.

All the people saying it’s because he’s a man- if a woman was in the forces and had chosen her career over her child imagine the uproar- ‘what kind of a woman does this?’ Men get a pass for being in a different country from their kids. I don’t agree chances are he was abusive but I think any parent who doesn’t move to be close to their child, no matter what their situation, isn’t being a good parent. This child needed him living nearby, that’s what this comes down to.

I thought the same thing as the OP when I saw this article.

Reading between the lines, he did not go for 50/50 custody when they split up. And I can only assume he chose not to because he was focused on his career. It also sounds like he knew the mum was an alcoholic but was happy to leave her solely in charge of his son.

For those defending him, take a minute to consider how this would be playing out in the press if a mum had done what he's done. Ie - worked away in the army, put her career first and left her child with an unsuitable parent and then blamed the system for 'failing her child'.

Yes, the mum chose to move away, but if he'd had joint parental responsibility then he could have applied for a court order to try to prevent the move. He didn't do enough in the early years to support and care for his son, and when things went badly wrong, he thinks it's everyone else's fault but his own.

Ah look there are shit mothers and shit fathers out there but blaming everything on social services is unfair. They cannot be held accountable for something they are not aware of.

.

I know! I can just picture the reaction on MN if a woman posted that her ex literally forced his way into her home. I doubt a single poster would say, "Good for him, he's a good dad!"

Agree completely

Why does MN keep peddling this myth that all women are devoted to their children? Plenty aren't. Look at Constance Marten. Look at the mothers of Logan Mwangi, Ellie Butler, Stanley Davis, and Amber Peat. These are just a few high-profile cases, but there are loads more than don't attract the same media attention.

Those stories do not feed into the rhetoric that all women are blameless, so we don't talk about them.
On MN, women are strong and independent until they do something wrong, then they become helpless victims of dominent men.