Yet another absent father blaming 'the system'

[ScarlettSarah]

I'm tired of hearing it. That poor child. It's heartbreaking.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c9v079zpmvmo

Yes, the dad was working away, but he knew perfectly well things weren't right with his estranged ex-partner, and I struggle to believe he couldn't have done more in this situation. As if a woman would be working away in those circumstances.

AIBU to be sick of hearing this sort of stuff from men, who are held to such low standards in parenthood? The other classic examples I can think of is when a child dies in the custody of its mother (and sometimes a stepdad) and the biodad is looking sad all over the news while when you dig deeper, you realise most of the time he wasn't doing what he should have done as a dad.

Working away as an army medic (whilst trying to visit your child in between times) is not quite the same as "absent father'.

I think your post is massively insensitive. You can't possibly know everything about his circumstances from a news article.

Enjoy your rage.

Do you have an example of this as I can't see it but I might be wrong

I’m not sure if you’ve read the full article, the mother relocated then refused him entry to the home, he consistently contacted school and SW. Hardly an absentee father.

I think you are going to need a plate OP so everyone can give you your arse back.

OP, your point is ridiculous

It states in 2022 she was recovered and he was happy for her to move, which she wanted, and he would continue to see his son despite the distance. It seemingly went downhill very quickly over a period of 2 years which is quite a short time period.

You seem to want to find fault in any singular thing.

What about all the times he traveled to see his son and was turned away at the door?
Whats your comment on all the times he phoned the child’s school concerned?
Or the multiple social services reports he made?

Sure, because a single man who doesn't have a job can just walk into housing, and a single man who doesn't have a house finds it so easy to get a job.

I can't help but notice how much criticism you have for this father while having absolutely none for the mother - the person who was the principle cause of this mess. Probably not working like that though because... misandry.

You don’t know the ins and outsides the relationship between the former partners. I know former alcoholics who made a full recovery and are tremendous parents. Sometimes partners put their children first by not intruding or prying into their ex partners‘ lives.

I find your blinkered view of this article says more about you than the father in question.

Sorry do you mean the mother who REFUSED HIM ACCESS. Using caps in the hope that maybe you get it this time....

The reality is that if the mother is determined for whatever reason to block the child's father from contact, his options are very limited indeed.
It looks to me as if he had exhausted every avenue open to him apart from forcing his way into the house and risking being arrested for harassment and/or assault, as the police would always treat the man as the aggressor.
Unless you have been involved in this type of situation, it's difficult to grasp just how helpless you feel.

Being absent is not automatically neglect. Don’t be silly.

Your child is loving with their alcoholic parent. Who won't let you see them. And you're worried about their living conditions.

You would still be happy to leave them and go abroad for months on end?

He had options. He took the easy one. Making excuses why he couldn't. He could have decided his child was more important and forced his way in- and to hell with the consequences for his job/ found another job.

Would a woman do the same? Leave her kid for months on end if she was so worried about her child?

Agree with you.

Any woman would have done that.

Forced his way in, be arrested for assault and his wife using this as a reason to apply for him to lose contact, you mean?
Sounds like a great plan.

And how exactly could he parent his child when his ex was doing all she could to prevent him even SEEING his child, never mind parenting him?

He could have decided his child was more important and forced his way in- and to hell with the consequences for his job/ found another job.

I swear that sometimes mumsnet is absolutely insane. Do you really think that if he did that and ended up with a criminal record for assault against the mother of his child plus breaking and entering, followed by an exclusion order so he couldn't even go near the place in the future, would in any way make things better?

It doesn’t sounds as if the child’s mother would have done that.

If he was concerned he should have let her call the police they will go inside the house to talk to her see the state and make a referral honestly it (quite rightly) happened to a friend she vanished with her children for a couple of days leaving her friend in the house with her pets when she failed to come home and the electric ran out she contacted the police they found her did a welfare check on her when she got home looked around her front room told her to her face it wasn't good enough and she had social services within a week you dont run and hide unless you dont want to deal with the consequences

DisplayPurposesOnly
Working away as an army medic (whilst trying to visit your child in between times) is not quite the same as "absent father'.

Just because he has a worthy job doesn’t make him a good father though, does it? Women have to leave their jobs to make sure their kids are cared for all the time, he could have done this and applied for custody. Everyone failed this child

Im sure there must be more to the story im missing the part where he went to court for contact with his child? He did that didn't he?

If not sounds like both his parents were neglectful

When I read this I read abusive ex that she was trying to get away from who kept ringing social services and his son's school to harass her through authority figures until she started drinking again.

How was he an absent father? He was working abroad as an army medic but he said he visited whenever he could, and that eventually she stopped letting him in the house. How was that his fault?

Women have agency too. She was in a terrible situation but also made the wrong choices, cutting off support etc.

If a man behaved the way she did, cutting off social services, would you be defending him?

This!

He should be blaming the awful neglectful mother tbf