Yet another absent father blaming 'the system'

[ScarlettSarah]

I'm tired of hearing it. That poor child. It's heartbreaking.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c9v079zpmvmo

Yes, the dad was working away, but he knew perfectly well things weren't right with his estranged ex-partner, and I struggle to believe he couldn't have done more in this situation. As if a woman would be working away in those circumstances.

AIBU to be sick of hearing this sort of stuff from men, who are held to such low standards in parenthood? The other classic examples I can think of is when a child dies in the custody of its mother (and sometimes a stepdad) and the biodad is looking sad all over the news while when you dig deeper, you realise most of the time he wasn't doing what he should have done as a dad.

Exactly.

When my ex and I separated, I took our children and returned to my country of birth, while he remained in his country of employment, with his new partner. He wasn't a citizen of my country and would have torpedoed his career, and my children's financial stability, if he had followed us. I could have stayed in the country where he was working, as I also had a job there. I chose to return to my family, and he didn't stand in my way. Should he be put on some kind of 'neglectful parent register' for that?

You can't police people's personal choices that closely.

Exactly - it was not the ideal job to have bit he couldn't just leave.

Great post.

yes he could have done more. If my ex partner had moved away with my kids then i’d have relocated to have equal custody, not gone to work overseas. My ex also went to work overseas when we split. I had a very serious health issue, and no-one local to take the kids had I needed to go to A&E. It was tough doing it all alone. He didn’t need to work overseas. It was a choice. I also had dreams, but have had to wait until they are 18, which is soon. My ex continued with his career plans regardless, then blamed me that they hadn’t gone overseas too as I wouldn’t let them (no, funnily enough, I didn’t want my kids going overseas for a nanny to care for them whilst he worked long hours).

Exactly, this ignores the specific issue that he was in the forces.

lol. Even when a mother is this awful it has to be a man’s fault?
Some women are just shitty people, the same as some men are.

If you're in the forces the situation is different though.

You'd hope so!
Do you have any link so that I can read about this, please? My son and his siblings were subjected to horrific neglect and abuse (he's adopted) and to this day I can't wrap my head around the fact that there were no legal repercussions for his birth parents. Instead they're just allowed to continuously repeat the cycle of pregnancy, abuse, birth, removal of child. It's heartbreaking.

I wouldn't class him as a good father.

Would you have let him move abroad taking the kids with him while you stay in your current country?

Yes, it's not fair on the father. I would happily criticise an actual neglectful father but not this.

I wouldn’t class you as a good judge of what makes someone a good father.

Why?

There's a reason he wasn't granted custody. Military men are known for being controlling and abusive. No one on this thread knows what their situation was and why she moved but it sounds typically abusive to me.

For clarity, yes of course the boy's mother was awful. Truly, I could write you an essay on DSD's deceased mother who was an alcoholic.

But really I think this man could have done more. He could have left his job and found another job because that's what parents have to do sometimes. Tough choices. He chose to prioritise his career.

I also noted the lack of mention of a court case / custody. A very notable absence there.

And I wonder why he didn't just let the mum call the police when she threatened to. I would, if I was that worried about my child inside the house with my ex. In fact, I'd be saying 'go on then, please do'.

As for people suggesting I am unfairly blaming him more than the mother and local services - I do agree there were other failures. But he's chosen to take part in this news article, presenting it as though this situation is entirely down to the failings of others. I think he can join the list of people who failed his son.

The same reason I wouldn't class someone as a good mother if she let her Ex husband take the kids abroad and decided to stay in her current country with her new partner.

I agree abuse is higher in the military but you can't brand all military men as abusive. He was a medic not a soldier anyway.
He may not have got custody for some other reason. It doesn't necessarily mean abuse.

Yes but there is no magic rule that means you have to stay in indefinitely. There is a 12 month notice period. He DID have a choice to leave. He made a choice to stay.

No one knows, and yet based on literally nothing you’ve decided he was abusive? Odd.

Doesn't the army job complicate things, ie you can't just leave?

He could have destroyed his career in an instant had he done that.

Presumably he has had to leave now he has to look after his son?
I suspect the son is terrified of him and that is why his "nerves are shot".

Now there's a classic mumsnet post - "I don't know the situation so I'm going to assume the man was abusive."

Courts don't give alcoholics, or ex alcoholics custody if there is a better option. Pretty good reason to be suspicious of St Dad.

It's both.
The system failed his son and he very much failed his son.