Yet another absent father blaming 'the system'

[ScarlettSarah]

I'm tired of hearing it. That poor child. It's heartbreaking.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c9v079zpmvmo

Yes, the dad was working away, but he knew perfectly well things weren't right with his estranged ex-partner, and I struggle to believe he couldn't have done more in this situation. As if a woman would be working away in those circumstances.

AIBU to be sick of hearing this sort of stuff from men, who are held to such low standards in parenthood? The other classic examples I can think of is when a child dies in the custody of its mother (and sometimes a stepdad) and the biodad is looking sad all over the news while when you dig deeper, you realise most of the time he wasn't doing what he should have done as a dad.

What on earth are you talking about? People do leave the military, you know. Sometimes parents have to prioritise their kids over their 'careers', and if that meant having to get a job that wasn't ideal but was much closer to home... that option was there for him.

Well yes...then if that's the case that could be criticised.

However, I feel much more comfortable with fully anonymised discussions than picking apart someone in the news. It reminds me of threads where pps dissected the McCann's decision to leave Madeleine. I personally thought that was naive in the context of the times but unfair to dissect it in the context of the tragedy. General discussions of issues are different imo to ones about specific people who are only in the news due to tragedy.

Where in the BBC story does it say that a court gave her custody?

It says he tried to visit but the mum always came up with an excuse.
I wonder how many times he actually saw his son in the 18 months/2 years since she moved?

If he IS abusive would he have got custody now?

"I suspect the son is terrified of him and that is why his "nerves are shot"."

This is a horrible thing to post. An autistic child lives isolated in absolute squalor with a dying alcoholic mother and your first thought is he must be traumatised due to fear of his dad???

If they didn't he would have been able to have access, legally.

What he doesn't say is how often he actually saw his son.

I feel this is slightly different, as he appears to have chosen to put himself out there in order to slate social services, etc. He's chosen publicity, rather than the news coming to him, I think.

Sure, because being a ND child living a chaotic life with an alcoholic, watching her collapse while bleeding from an open wound, seeing her taken away by ambulance and then being told she's died is never the kind of thing that could leave an emotional mark. I mean, what child could possibly be traumatised by such an experience?

I can't judge the father based on the information here. However, I do think child neglect is a major issue in this country. I find it horrifying that there could lots of children living behind closed doors in conditions like this for years (who knows how long the child would have remained living like this had his mother not been hospitalised?) and it's really important that the issue is being highlighted.

If a man behaved the way she did, cutting off social services, would you be defending him?

Of course not.

It'd be "He chose alcohol over his child's welfare", "He lived like a filthy disgusting pig and forced his child into it", "He refused all help and visits from the child's mother".

Sickening double standards.

The father clearly was on the doorstep and aggressive enough for her to threaten to call the police. He admits he has harassed her through various means repeatedly. It is not at all clear what he has done to legally resolve this matter because I strongly suspect the court already ruled him out of being primary carer for his child, which of course he isn't mentioning to the press. I bet her neighbours have a straighter story than him.

Exactly, I'm strongly feminist but taking agency away from women, blaming men by default even when we don't know the full situation, etc is not feminist

Your ability to just make stuff up to suit your narrative is astonishing. Have you ever considered writing a book? Fiction, obviously.

I have experience of abusive men through my work and this is textbook. He is trying to shame her even after she is dead to control the narrative.

Closer to whose home? Do you think all separated parents should have to move if their ex does? She didn’t move 2 mins down the road!

Again, I’m not defending him generally. I don’t know him. But I think “why didn’t he quit his job and move to Scotland because his ex decided that’s where she’d be living” is not reasonable criticism.

I understand what you mean but I don't agree. The McCanns' (understandable) drive for publicity, partly through their media connections, was part of the reason their daughter's disappearance got much more attention for a longer period of time than Ben Needham's, for one. I still don't think that means the McCanns' decision to leave their daughter should be picked apart.

To be absolutely clear, I am in no way defending her.

DSD's so-called mother was... like this. She was a shit mother. An alcoholic who only loved alcohol by the end. The difference was, DH was solo parenting to make up for how shit she was. He was there, being a dad. This boy needed his dad and different choices could have been made.

That is not to absolve the mother of her responsibility, as she very obviously failed her son. It just galls me to listen to this guy going on about social services when he could have done more about the situation himself.

I have experience of them too...and I can see how your narrative is often true. But we don't know if it applies here.

And she should be bloody ashamed too, making her poor son live in those conditions.

She couldn't help being an alcoholic, but she could help refusing any intervention that meant her son wouldn't have to live in that hell hole.

Not all alcoholics are so selfish that they wouldn't want their child to have a better life.

'Having access legally' is neigh-on impossible if the other parent is hell-bent on preventing it. The theory is fine, but the reality is somewhat different.

He 'supported the move', though. I find that unfathomable. He supported his child moving with the mother, who was a known alcoholic, up to Scotland and further away from himself.

The mother did this, he is man he will always be at fault on here, nice try though

"The father clearly was on the doorstep and aggressive enough for her to threaten to call the police. He admits he has harassed her through various means repeatedly. It is not at all clear what he has done to legally resolve this matter because I strongly suspect the court already ruled him out of being primary carer for his child, which of course he isn't mentioning to the press. I bet her neighbours have a straighter story than him."

The misandry in this.

The OP is criticising the dad for being neglectful, while you are saying he must have been too aggressive to the mother and imply the court system and ruled him unfit to have custody! I suspect most parents would be aggressive ( at least verbally) if they hadn't seen their child for a couple of years after travelling a few hundred miles to do so.

Being in the army he most likely would not risk a confrontation or being in any problem with the police by forcing his way in so requested a welfare check but as a pp said he would have been better off calling the police himself on the doorstep.

If he is so violent and rules out of custody he wouldn't have primary custody now would he?