Cash gift from parent - sharing with spouse

[Dexysmidnightstroller]

For various reasons I’m currently the main breadwinner and paying all bills. We do ok, fortunate to have paid off the mortgage, and balance having nice but not extravagant holidays with saving for retirement.

We recently went on an overseas holiday mainly to visit an elderly relative of mine. We did lots of other things too but that was the main reason for the venue and we ensured we spent a lot of time with her. At the end, without asking and as a complete surprise, she insisted on a really generous gift of ££ as she wanted to pay for our trip. We absolutely never expected or asked, but accepted the gift (she is comfortably off and is known for generous help to my siblings as well).

As I’d already budgeted and paid for the holiday I put the gift into savings/investment. DH has whinged a bit, saying it was a gift to “us” with the implication that he should take half and do what he wants with it. AIBU to point out that I paid for the holiday and my relative was theoretically reimbursing it, so if I decide it should go into savings that is up to me? (And by the way be grateful for the free trip and for our future financial stability?)

IANBU = I was within rights to decide what to do with the gift
IABU = he was entitled to his half of the windfall

Err - it's very clearly your money (although obviously legally its a marital asset and therefore belongs to both of you).

Just tell him you were reimbursed for the trip so it can now be spent on another one at a later date. No further discussion.

Your relative wanted to reimburse you for the trip, so if you paid for it, you use the money to reimburse the cost to the account it was paid from. Had she said “I’d like you to give you some money so you can both treat yourself to something nice” then that would be an argument for you sharing the money, or agreeing on a joint item to treat yourselves to.

And this is the kind of ridiculous BS you have to deal with when you marry someone and insist on keeping a 50/50, "mine vs yours" arrangement with the financials.

What’s your set up is it completely separate money? What does your dp do with his income? I’d say give you paid for the holiday the money is yours. Had he paid half it’s more debatable

So he wants a free holiday AND a handout from your elderly relative?

We would share.
But our money has been 100% pooled since we were married. Over the years much more generosity has come from my family over his but we still put it into the one bank account.
There's no stipulation on personal spending, within our budget obviously- though we do tend to run purchases over £100 past each other. We should probably change that as its been the same amount for 20 years and £100 was worth a lot more in 2006

CF 😮
What does he do with his wages? Why are you paying for everything?

It's to reimburse the holiday cost so it goes back into the pot it came from, i.e. your account.

He’s being U and greedy.
You should ‘reimburse’ yourself for the trip and then decide or jointly decide (but you have more say) in what you do with money.

Yes…. Can you expand a bit on the “various reasons” that you are paying all the bills OP?

You pay all the bills and he still wants more. Fuck that.

He’s on v low wage due to his previous job ending (not his fault, the role vanished). I had very bad experiences with previous partners and £ so like to keep things separate, I just hate discussing money as a result. Yes he gets a good deal - me paying for everything and him keeping his limited £ for himself - but I’m ok with this and have eyes open. But to me it’s a pisstake him wanting a little bonus here. It’s not like I went and spent it on jewellery either, I put it away for a rainy day / retirement.

It’s all well and good saying oh I would share, it’s joint money, etc. But the op paid for the holiday, not her DH. So the money should go back into whichever account the holiday was paid from. Which I assume is probably the op’s account.

I am a sahm, and if this scenario happened to us in reverse (DH is the breadwinner because I am caring for our children) I would be absolutely raging. But that is because we share all money completely - there is no his money and my money.

I don't understand marriages where money is not fully shared (unless there are stepchildren involved). A marriage is a union. Body, soul, decisions, dreams, money.

It depends on what the parent said - if they made clear it was for you as a couple, then fine. Otherwise, it's yours to keep.
My MIL used to give generous cheques to all 3 of her sons at Christmas - I never questioned it, coz the cheque was made out to my husband, therefore it was his to keep or spend. It wasn't mine, and it was nothing to do with me.

He's a ungrateful CF

Is he of the "what's yours is mine and what's mine is, my own" school of thought @Dexysmidnightstroller 🙄

You are most definitely not being unreasonable to keep it, for yourself, alone

eta; dripping with sarcasm ofc, perhaps he should get half of his outlay for the trip? How would one actually divide, half of fuck all, into two? 😉

He’s precious hinted at some form of sharing but I’m not going to do it. Similarly he wondered about a fixed amount each month for spending. Nope, that isn’t the way I run my personal finances. What I do at the end of each month is see what’s left and then decide (happily all bills are covered each time including eating out here and there, and random household maintenance, as I say I’m not extravagant). Then I put the balance into savings, often keeping some back for a fun purchase which I know won’t affect next month’s budgeting. That’s how I do it and as a result I have a savings buffer in an isa and a small investment account to speculate with.

We’ve had a similar scenario but the other way around and we did talk about what to do with the money. I think I’d feel upset if my DH made the decision without taking to me but then we have joint finances and also our own separate money.

I did that before and got horribly burned. I mean all my redundancy money, everything take from me except my share of house equity. The b*tard syphoned it all. I’d have retired by now otherwise. So I cannot do that again. I made that clear with this marriage from the get go.

I don’t mean to be critical because we’ll do things differently but I’ll never understand the my money, your money approach. In a long marriage DH and i have never once had this conversation. Joint account, no accounts of our own and never an argument about money.

Why the fuck are you paying all bills by default?

You have no mortgage so presumably splitting the remaining bills is easily affordable and if you split he would have housing costs.

Stop being a mug.There is no good reason to subsidise his lifestyle. Plenty of people on minimum wage pay bills.

You say you've got your eyes wide open...to what?? The fact you're shacked up with a cocklodger who's happy to take take take?

How long have you been married OP?

Would he not be entitled to half of everything should you divorce?

I agree with you on the holiday money by the way, it’s yours, but I wonder why you married again if you were so badly burned before?

Could he increase is earnings if he wanted to? Is he trying to share more of the financial burden or happy to let you pay for everything?

In my marriage, I was your DH. We kept our finances strictly separate for tax reasons. I worked part-time and my DH paid for everything. I kept my wages and spent some on myself occasionally (clothes, meals with friends) but often spent on things for the DCs - ballet/swimming/music lessons, etc.

If such a thing had happened as did to you, DH probably would not even have mentioned that his relative gave him ££ (he was a quiet soul) and would have just put it back into whichever of his accounts he thought best. Since DH would have paid for the trip, I would not have expected him to give me anything. I would have been grateful to go on a free trip ...