Cash gift from parent - sharing with spouse

[Dexysmidnightstroller]

For various reasons I’m currently the main breadwinner and paying all bills. We do ok, fortunate to have paid off the mortgage, and balance having nice but not extravagant holidays with saving for retirement.

We recently went on an overseas holiday mainly to visit an elderly relative of mine. We did lots of other things too but that was the main reason for the venue and we ensured we spent a lot of time with her. At the end, without asking and as a complete surprise, she insisted on a really generous gift of ££ as she wanted to pay for our trip. We absolutely never expected or asked, but accepted the gift (she is comfortably off and is known for generous help to my siblings as well).

As I’d already budgeted and paid for the holiday I put the gift into savings/investment. DH has whinged a bit, saying it was a gift to “us” with the implication that he should take half and do what he wants with it. AIBU to point out that I paid for the holiday and my relative was theoretically reimbursing it, so if I decide it should go into savings that is up to me? (And by the way be grateful for the free trip and for our future financial stability?)

IANBU = I was within rights to decide what to do with the gift
IABU = he was entitled to his half of the windfall

Tell him that the relative paid back the money that was spent to go on the trip and you'll give him back what his contribution to the trip was and keep what your contribution to the trip was.

What does he contribute to the family to compensate for not contributing financially? Does he do the housework? planning? Shopping? Cooking? Is he contributing fairly to the family unit?

You were right of course and did the right thing. However his behaviour implies there is something he wants to buy, but cant. Is he able to buy things as he likes or ? I know he's not the main breadwinner so was curious about that. ?

If you no longer have DC at home, and your DH is not incapacitated, why isn't he working?

Does he do most of the housework & cooking?

I'm betting Not

You say you budgeted for the holiday OP but did you actually pay for it in full?

As in, your DH paid nothing towards it?

What when you don't know about people's financial issues until after you get married?

I guess it’s up to you but I don’t understand married couples who act like there’s his money and her money.

We have separate bank accounts because we have never bothered to do the admin to change our accounts but we share everything.

If I have a big bonus one year and DH says he’d like to buy himself a fancy watch then he’s welcome to. Likewise when his parents gave him a chunk of early inheritance, he suggested I get myself a nice ring with some of it.

We have never argued about money. We are a team. Over the years sometimes I’ve earned more, sometimes he has, but we’ve never held it against each other or acted as though one of us has more say over our family finances than the other.

Ahhh, Yes. I see - well, I still think YANBU.

He wants to be "kept" without the responsibility of earning more. It sounds like he's not very good with money and you are.

And I think this is a very different situation from that of a woman staying at home to raise joint DC. You need to be very careful @Dexysmidnightstroller as his attitude is looking rather venal at the sight of a wodge of cash.

Fully agree with you. I know my husband wouldn’t even query this. He would be happy to have it in savings.

You don't have to mention it, you don't have to share it. Full stop.
And yes, I'm saying this as a happily married woman (for 20 years).
Nothing wrong to have something for yourself only. On the contrary, a necessity.

Is it beyond your comprehension that people have different experiences to you ? You sound quite insufferable

As we have always shared finances I have no real opinion on the money.

However I imagine visiting an elderly relative of a partner would not be seen by many as a free holiday. A mumsnet poll would probably have returned answers ranging from a 'nightmare trip' to ' a waste of my annual leave'

It sounds far from a holiday and while he may not deserve any money i doubt he's been having the time of his life at the OPs expense.

Maybe the relative thoroughly enjoyed the company and wanted to gift the money to both irrespective of who paid

Obviously when you are married many people, including me, think it should all be in one pot. However, at present I am the breadwinner and in this situation there is absolutely no way my DH would expect any of that money, he would be telling me to treat myself with this unexpected windfall.
My feelings about would change depending on the reason your husband is isn't currently contributing, what the situation has been in the past and what it will be in the future.

Good job that the OP shared all of her money when funding the trip, then, right?

If he's on a low wage, what they're doing amounts to the same. We keep separate finances ourselves because we have different styles and appetites for investment risk. My husband contributes more to the joint pot in proportion to his income, by for OP, I'd wager that if they did the calcs, her paying for everything probably leaves them with an equal access to spare money.

She chose to finance this holiday and the relative reimbursed it.

It's a nasty attitude to think you're entitled to more in those circumstances.

I think this is a case of do you really want to be married to him? Honestly do you?

Given you are reluctant to get burnt again or share finances I’m surprised you did get hitched. The law doesn’t recognise what you agreed to privately so in the event of divorce that’s irrelevant.

If you do want to split you are probably going to be better to do it sooner and get advice before you talk to him.

At first I thought you were being reasonable but the whole set up doesn’t seem reasonable.DH have had various bonuses, I won £1500 once and sold pre marital assets and inheritances but we both talk about what we do with the funds. The money I won, I wanted to use for a holiday but we had only just been married and DH talked me into spend it on our new house. It was the sensible choice but we made it together

I would return money to him in the same proportion to what he put in. If he put nothing, he gets nothing. You paid for the holiday so it's your money being returned to you.

It makes no sense for him to profit. Especially since you have invested it for the future.

Also he needs to do something about earning more and stop sponging off you.

She wanted to pay for the holiday, so the money goes to wherever the holiday was paid from. If that's your account, that's where it goes.

He's BU and I say that as the lower earner in my relationship.

Don't get me wrong, our money is 100% pooled into one pot and I am able to spend money from that as I see fit.

However, if we were in this situation (and we often are; both DH and I are from different countries so our trips abroad are often to our countries of origin) and DH were given money (and he often is; parents like to help out) I would not be busy clocking where that money went. I believe he usually keeps it in that currency for future visits. I trust him to do whatever needs to be done with it.

Same thing for trips to my family.

The only thing I'd consider is maybe putting some of it towards an actual holiday for your family, acknowledging that it's a gift for the family.

Why are you paying for everything? That's not on, unless one of you is caring for young children.
The gift was to reimburse you for the trip - you paid for the trip, so it's yours. Only yours.

What is the state of the marriage like otherwise?

I wouldn't be accruing too much investments or savings if it's not good, as he will benefit if you get divorce. I would get divorced. (I would say that regardless of male/female.)

We have pooled money but we also have the same mindset on saving.

'The gift was to reimburse the cost of the trip. I shall share with you the contribution you made to the trip. Oh look, thats £0.00. Off you fuck.'

Thing is you haven't protected yourself from being financially burned have you? You got married. It's a legal contract, you've shared all your assets (presumably if you got divorced and it was seen as a long enough marriage). You may be not sharing day to day costs and spending but anything in savings, pensions, house assets etc is now legally part of the pot should you ever split... If you're worried about his attitude and you haven't been married very long divorce now ..... If not pray he doesn't take umbridge at some point and divorce you.....

@Zivvy

circumstances here are different he works, just in a low paid job, and does not seem to contribute anything anyway, so why should he get some of this funding as well?

I understand why you’re feeling reserved about sharing expenses given your past experiences. DH and I share money. Our salaries go into one account and the bills all come out of there. Any savings are both of ours. If one of us was gifted money by a relative, it would be considered joint by both of us.

If it was a couple of hundred, we would put it in savings or use it to buy something needed for the house/family without much discussion. If it was a few thousand+, we would have a discussion about it. We both feel comfortable that our money is joint though.

Did your relative gift it to you or both of you?

I think this is pretty straightforward OP.
Your relative indicated that they wanted to cover the cost of your holiday.
You should therefore tell your husband that he needs to reimburse you for his share of the holiday cost, and you will then give him half of the gift.

I don’t disagree with how you’ve decided to use this gift but your general finances are borderline abusive and if a friend said her husband was doing this I’d tell her she was being treated unfairly.

Either you’re a partnership or not - why get married if that’s not what you want?