Cash gift from parent - sharing with spouse

[Dexysmidnightstroller]

For various reasons I’m currently the main breadwinner and paying all bills. We do ok, fortunate to have paid off the mortgage, and balance having nice but not extravagant holidays with saving for retirement.

We recently went on an overseas holiday mainly to visit an elderly relative of mine. We did lots of other things too but that was the main reason for the venue and we ensured we spent a lot of time with her. At the end, without asking and as a complete surprise, she insisted on a really generous gift of ££ as she wanted to pay for our trip. We absolutely never expected or asked, but accepted the gift (she is comfortably off and is known for generous help to my siblings as well).

As I’d already budgeted and paid for the holiday I put the gift into savings/investment. DH has whinged a bit, saying it was a gift to “us” with the implication that he should take half and do what he wants with it. AIBU to point out that I paid for the holiday and my relative was theoretically reimbursing it, so if I decide it should go into savings that is up to me? (And by the way be grateful for the free trip and for our future financial stability?)

IANBU = I was within rights to decide what to do with the gift
IABU = he was entitled to his half of the windfall

This is exactly what women do in divorce situations too.

I think the point here is whether you generally have joint discussions about finances or because you are the main earner do you assume that what you say goes? If you do discuss it - then why is this different? If you do not, then isnt that like financial abuse? If your DH was a stay at home mum - and the husband refused to discuss his bonus and just assumed that he could do with it what he liked that would be criticised by MN. Legally - you are married and I guess he still gets 50/50 whether you like it or not.

you paid for the trip, right? so you get the reimbursement.

He sounds like a bit of a sponger if you pay for everything already.

The money would be “ours”. All our money is “ours”.

what a lazy cf he is.

sounds like a second marriage but he will still be entitled to your money if you split, especially if it’s seemed to be a long marriage.

Wow so he gets his small wage all to himself and your left paying for everything including holidays etc and now he thinks he has some right to a financial gift/reimbursement not only is he a CF he’s also a leach and I’m guessing the savings you have are to cover him when he retires too he wouldn’t get a penny and I’d be getting him to contribute towards the household. Talk about a free ride

I usually read everything before replying, but I'm being swamped by a deluge of married people claiming that since op is married she should give her partner all her money. It's irritating me because they're completely missing the point. Op could listen to these bizarre people, and go and get a shared account tomorrow and he could clear it out. And then presumably they'll be happy? He's a working man who wants his wife to pay all his bills and give him spending money. Op is doing MORE THAN sharing. She's paying for everything. Personally I don't see how she can recover from this, I'd have to divorce him. But not before putting all her money in her name into a property and giving it to someone she trusts.

You'll be in the same position afraid if this marriage ends. There's no yours and mine in divorce.

We have completely separate finances (been married 10 years but older) - he has children, I don't. It works well for us - we each pay part of the household expenses. The only thing we split is holiday finance. We take it in turns to pay when going out.

Well, I'll say one thing, your husband has some guts. How flipping entitled is he to ask for half this money?? You paid for the holiday, you pay for everything and it's your relative not his!
Tell him to go do one. And even though you've popped it back into savings, you don't have to justify what you do with the money with anyone so if you did want to go buy something nice, just for yourself, it's yours to do with what you want.

I’d be hurt and upset by this OP.

He's got a bloody cheek … he’s not grateful that you cover all the bills, he still asks for more. Mind blowing!

He’s a cheeky devil. Cheeky and greedy.

Tbf, this is Mumsnet, the place where posters unanimously believe that anything the husband acquires should be shared (PP about someone’s husband winning a sports bet, anyone?), but if it’s a gift to the wife, it belongs to her.

Separate finances works well for us too. We have 3 young children.

Do you have children?

I understand being burned in the past, but if you’ve married this guy and he’s not just a partner but a life long husband then I think joint account.

What I don’t understand is why he is paying nothing? Why not a percentage of what he earns at least?

We have received cash gifts off in laws before and husband always puts it in the savings or towards something that needs doing in the home - I’d never expect half of the money to dwindle on what I want so you’re not being unreasonable here.

When you say low wage, do you mean a full time minimum wage job? Or if he’s doing hardly any hours part time bringing in a few hundred quid that needs to be stopped right now and he needs to job hunt

We would share but first marriage, both earn well and we share everything financially. I’d imagine everything is a bit more calculated second or third time around.

I know, he’s taking the piss!

The money was clearly to reimburse the person who paid for the holiday. So it’s effectively paid for the holiday and then you have (if you like) put the money you had originally spent into savings.

He doesn’t get a free holiday plus a cash gift!

In effect you are already sharing it, as you both went on the now free holiday.

Helpful

No way is half that money his - YANBU. By the sounds of it, you not only funded the trip, but also pay all the bills. He is a CF.

Except in the woman's case she would have typically been responsible for the cleaning and the mental load and not have spent her days in the pub and having an affair.

How long has he been on this “very low wage” job and how much does he take home?

Fair enough he lost his previous job but he can’t be bringing home a few hundred quid a month whilst you do full time work, pay for everything! You say you’ve been burned before… you don’t want to make the same mistake, do you?

Is he pushing and going out of his way to find another full time job?

I'd ask him to remind me how much he contributed to the holiday cost as you will reimburse him exactly that.

It was a gift from your relative, moreover it was a gift given on specific terms, to pay for the holiday not for general spending/treats.

Whether your financial arrangements are otherwise fair or not is another issue. (I say this as someone who is married with semi separate finances and it works well for us.) On one hand he's got a good deal, lives for free and spends his salary without having to contribute even proportionately. On the other hand if you have vastly more spending money and a different lifestyle he can't afford as his wages are very low "through no fault of his own" then that is rather more uncomfortable. Is there any reason he can't look to improve his income?

So you are already paying for everything and he's trying to get his hands on even more of your money. What a grifter.
People will exploit you if they can, especially the men. This is what life has taught me.

This. It sounds like a free holiday isn't enough, he wants "cashback" as well! CF!