Cash gift from parent - sharing with spouse

[Dexysmidnightstroller]

For various reasons I’m currently the main breadwinner and paying all bills. We do ok, fortunate to have paid off the mortgage, and balance having nice but not extravagant holidays with saving for retirement.

We recently went on an overseas holiday mainly to visit an elderly relative of mine. We did lots of other things too but that was the main reason for the venue and we ensured we spent a lot of time with her. At the end, without asking and as a complete surprise, she insisted on a really generous gift of ££ as she wanted to pay for our trip. We absolutely never expected or asked, but accepted the gift (she is comfortably off and is known for generous help to my siblings as well).

As I’d already budgeted and paid for the holiday I put the gift into savings/investment. DH has whinged a bit, saying it was a gift to “us” with the implication that he should take half and do what he wants with it. AIBU to point out that I paid for the holiday and my relative was theoretically reimbursing it, so if I decide it should go into savings that is up to me? (And by the way be grateful for the free trip and for our future financial stability?)

IANBU = I was within rights to decide what to do with the gift
IABU = he was entitled to his half of the windfall

Sounds like the change in his circumstances is actually changing the dynamics of the marriage. He sounds like he is slowly being infantilized. She pays the bills and so calls the shots and he whinges as she puts it. This is not the ingredients of a sustainable marriage. They need to find a different formula that isn't going to resentment.

This doesn't look like a partnership to me, it looks like a leech + host setup.

I’m aware of financial exposure re divorce and it is a horrible thought (he will inherit some ££ at some point though) but I’m hoping it will never happen obviously.

If we did share £ it would basically mean apportioning a fixed share of my income to him each month. But as I said, I don’t apportion a fixed share to me as it is. I don’t want to run the budget that way. I want bills paid and retirement savings made, and then and only then money on entertainment or toys. Which we do have, and I don’t buy myself anymore than him. I never buy myself frivolous stuff because I don’t need it, and entertainment £ is always spent on both of us. So the only way I’m enjoying my own £ more than his is by deciding how much is saved. And here was unexpected £ so that’s where it went. If I could swap positions with him I would.

this isn’t like a Sahm because someone in that position is doing a vital role. He does things round the house etc but it’s hardly comparable.

Of course he should. He would feel better for it too. It's bad for anyone's self esteem to be so financially reliant on someone else and he does have a wafe, just not as big as OPs.

What does he bring to the table? He is absolutely taking the piss. How entitled. I'd stop paying for everything if I were you. It does not sound like he appreciates it!

Hopefully youre not married ans can get rid of him at any point?

Except your case would not be the reverse because you are caring for your children.
A variable not present in the OP's situation.

Wow. That's so useful when the OP has explained that that is not the case for her, and why.

And don't worry, you didn't sound smug as well as trite.

YANBU OP. He needs to get a better paying job.

I assume he isn't a SAHD / you don't have kids with him?

He doesn't know when he's onto a good thing. Sounds ungrateful to me. If he's skint he should pull his finger out.

Do you wish you had never married him OP?

You would be 'raging' that your husband didn't share money given to him? Does that extend to Christmas present cash etc as well? Bonkers.

This may work for you but to me it sounds like you've married a child. And he's greedy. I'd say to him that from now on he pays his half of all bills and groceries. And I'd keep that gift to myself. This is financial abuse from him.

He's not a satp so he's not contributing.

How anyone could have so little pride to not pay their way is beyond me.

So his view is what's his is his and what's yours is also his. You may have been happy with the financials before but this might be a bit of an eye opener.

How did it play out before he lost his job and he was earning more?

But he is not a SAHP. He's not raising their children. It's completely different.

OP, what did he say when you told him the money was to reimburse for the holiday? And why doesn't he try to get a better paying job and contribute to the household?

Your relative repaid you for the trip - you paid for the trip therefore it is just replacing your money. He is a tosser for wanting half the money. It is not a shared gift.

I think you need to reassess your situation with him. He needs to be earning and paying half the bills, or else he is just getting a free ride. It won't matter how much you save because he will want half when you split up.

Respectfully I disagree!
I think he absolutely does know he's on to a good thing, and he also thinks 'there's plenty more where that came from'.
In other words he thinks you're a soft touch @Dexysmidnightstroller .

All these asking why doesn't he contribute?

BECAUSE OP DOESN'T WANT HIM TO!

How the feck can any self respecting woman tolerate a cock lodger. Honestly OP, he’s a walking ick.

Where has she said that? I read that he doesn't earn enough, not that she doesn't want him to

He wants you to give him pocket money, when he has a wage & spends it on himself....
Wow, I'd tell him to actively look for a higher paid job & actually participate, not sulk because you have refused to hand over your family gift.

YANBU. You paid for his holiday. That's "his share". He's taking the piss expecting any of your money. You already keep him, if he wants more spending money he can earn it. How low can his income possibly be to justify not contributing at all? More than 500 quid he needs to be paying his keep, less and he needs to work more. There's no excuse for having no job if you're able bodied and childless, there are jobs, shit jobs, but jobs nonetheless.

This is not at all comparable to a SAHM, as a SAHM all money should he shared becuase you earn it together. The working parent can't earn without the SAHP looking after their kids and the vast majority of household admin and chores. He is not contributing towards your earning potential. He's already getting a good deal, he should appreciate what he gets and that you're securing the future too.

Yes. I don't think it's about halving the actual money even though it seems like it. It's about the way she unilaterally controlled what happened to it. It may logically seem that she is right but humans run on emtion not logic and he is being shown in no uncertain terms who is the boss.

Yes he gets a good deal - me paying for everything and him keeping his limited £ for himself - but I’m ok with this and have eyes open

And

He’s precious hinted at some form of sharing but I’m not going to do it. Similarly he wondered about a fixed amount each month for spending. Nope, that isn’t the way I run my personal finances.

I'm in two minds but... Context is everything, i get what you said re your relative, you're main earner but as it's a complete out of the blue surprise would it be so awful for u both to enjoy it, or even for ur partners views be listened to... I think op tbf, you're the only one eho can gauge reasonable or not..