Cash gift from parent - sharing with spouse

[Dexysmidnightstroller]

For various reasons I’m currently the main breadwinner and paying all bills. We do ok, fortunate to have paid off the mortgage, and balance having nice but not extravagant holidays with saving for retirement.

We recently went on an overseas holiday mainly to visit an elderly relative of mine. We did lots of other things too but that was the main reason for the venue and we ensured we spent a lot of time with her. At the end, without asking and as a complete surprise, she insisted on a really generous gift of ££ as she wanted to pay for our trip. We absolutely never expected or asked, but accepted the gift (she is comfortably off and is known for generous help to my siblings as well).

As I’d already budgeted and paid for the holiday I put the gift into savings/investment. DH has whinged a bit, saying it was a gift to “us” with the implication that he should take half and do what he wants with it. AIBU to point out that I paid for the holiday and my relative was theoretically reimbursing it, so if I decide it should go into savings that is up to me? (And by the way be grateful for the free trip and for our future financial stability?)

IANBU = I was within rights to decide what to do with the gift
IABU = he was entitled to his half of the windfall

I think you are right, I have been left in a terrible position in my 60s. Is there something he really wants or needs? Or will he just waste it?

I’m really grateful for all the responses here and all the support. Thanks so much to all. I am fortified in my position and will keep control and sorting kids as best I can. And he can be grateful for what he gets.

Quite! It's like flatmates with benefits.

No it isn’t. It’s a marriage with separate finances.

Not a chance would I ever share a main bank account with anyone. What’s to stop them fucking off with all the money?!

It might have worked in 1950 when lots of women didn’t work (and therefore had no other option), but these days most women have their own money.

OP, your DH is being a massive cheeky fucker. He needs to pull his finger out and start brining in more money.

I would be giving my children POA asap.
I wouldn't trust that grifter as far as I'd throw him if you became incapacitated.
You married a grifter after being financially screwed by your Ex?
What were you thinking?

I don't understand your thought behind this set up. You don't want to get burned by sharing money in case you split up (totally understand this) but youre married, so how you deal with finances during the relationship is moot if it ends? If you divorced he would be entitled to half of it all anyway unless you got a well written prenup. All you're doing is creating a divide of money while together? You have savings but if you get divorced he gets half anyway?

If he’s working full time on minimum wage (I’m assuming) then he has loads of money if he doesn’t have to pay for bills, holidays, meals out etc. Why are you with him? Your money should go on your children, not this cock lodger.

what does he want to buy? Have you asked him?

What a fucking fuckhead selfish entitled piece of shit you are married to OP. LTB and I am absolutely serious.

Here's where communicating exactly what you said in this forum...to him is important. Sometimes, we have different understanding, communication, expectations, etc.

Having an open discussion and agreement based on actuals is important. Should be simple. In theory.

Are people actually sharing money gifts? Aunty Mary puts £20 in a birthday card and it’s suddenly a marital asset? Give it a rest 🤣

Weel, it is to me and other PP. You don't have to agree.

Is you DH a bit of a grabber and a freeloader? You paid for this holiday not him.
I wouldn't give him a penny piece. Tell him where to go in no uncertain terms.

And don't ever pay for anything for him again.

End of.

I am so glad you have made your own plans! Trust him? The man who thinks they should get nothing past 18? Who doesn’t pay for a holiday but wants half back? 😂

In terms to all those who struggle to understand the financial set up, I think it’s different when we’ve been burned previously, in terms of managing finances subsequent time around. You were both older adults, in different financial positions and with different commitments. As long as you’ve been upfront from the start and fair, well done you!

Think he probably should be contributing something towards the bills and joint expenses like holidays though, proportionate to his income, otherwise, as he’s just nicely demonstrated, he becomes lazy and entitled!!

CF!

Well done you, @Dexysmidnightstroller !

Maybe treat him but definitely not half.

You have done the right thing. I love the way your husband expects you to leave all your money to him and says he will pass it to your kids when he has made it very clear that children should not get 'hand-outs' after they reach the age of 18.

He sounds greedy and entitled.

I hope that will is water tight, lodged with a solicitor and the children are the executors.
This man believes that his wife is his property and therefore everything she earns and owns is also his property (aka, 'what's yours is mine and what's mines my own'). Should she pass away before him he will attempt to get his hands on everything if he thinks he can get away with it.

I agree with you, but additionally there were stepchildren for us both in our blended family - no ‘other’ parents involved at all. All earnings were in the family pot.

That’s because you’re not in a marriage with separate finances. I am. You have no idea how other people’s relationships work.

I'd be a bit concerned at leaving him a life interest in the house - that means he could absolutely fucking trash it, let it fall apart, do zero maintainance for decades and your kids inherit a massive expense.

Neither do you.

I cannot understand why a woman like the OP would put another loser ahead of her own children.
Sad.

Tell him where to go you just paid for his bloody holiday, men are right CFs these days and they wonder why we all divorce them!
I mean does he share any of his money when he has it? I doubt it.