Cash gift from parent - sharing with spouse

[Dexysmidnightstroller]

For various reasons I’m currently the main breadwinner and paying all bills. We do ok, fortunate to have paid off the mortgage, and balance having nice but not extravagant holidays with saving for retirement.

We recently went on an overseas holiday mainly to visit an elderly relative of mine. We did lots of other things too but that was the main reason for the venue and we ensured we spent a lot of time with her. At the end, without asking and as a complete surprise, she insisted on a really generous gift of ££ as she wanted to pay for our trip. We absolutely never expected or asked, but accepted the gift (she is comfortably off and is known for generous help to my siblings as well).

As I’d already budgeted and paid for the holiday I put the gift into savings/investment. DH has whinged a bit, saying it was a gift to “us” with the implication that he should take half and do what he wants with it. AIBU to point out that I paid for the holiday and my relative was theoretically reimbursing it, so if I decide it should go into savings that is up to me? (And by the way be grateful for the free trip and for our future financial stability?)

IANBU = I was within rights to decide what to do with the gift
IABU = he was entitled to his half of the windfall

He’s a cheeky fucker isn’t he?

I understand this approach to relationships, but not to marriage. You have a marriage that isn't actually a marriage. You'd have been better cohabiting if you didn't want to actually trust and commit (which I do understand given your history).

Been there as has h , married now for 25yrs+ but still keep seperate accounts. We will pool if needed but I for one would never use joint accounts again, no need to.
I have access to his account and he mine but we don't use that method and it has worked all of our marriage.

Is he trying to better his position so he can contribute to bills? Or is he happy to let you cover that forever?

I wouldn't be giving him any money in this situation. He got a free holiday, paid for by you, and now he wants a free handout? No way.

He's being greedy and jumping at the chance to get half the money your relative gave you.

Given how you two manage your finances, that you're the main breadwinner and the money was from your relative to you, and that you've already been taken to the cleaners by one dude, your decision to put it in savings is fine.

She didn't give him the money and he knows it. Tell him to quit his bitching about it. You know you've got another financial opportunist there, don't you?

A gift from one side would never be to treat the other side. It has always gone into the joint account.

He needs to focus on getting a better job and contributing to the household rather than thinking about how else he can get cash out of you!!!!!!!

So he works earns a low wage and contributed nothing financially towards bills or food. He keeps all the money he earns for himself. You pay for everything including this trip then when you're reembursed for cost of trip he wants half. He's a grade A CF. What on earth do you tolerate him? He doesn't value you only your earning capacity. You do realise if you are married he can divorce you and grab half of everything you have. If you're not married never marry him.

@Dexysmidnightstroller May I ask why you married him after having had so bad experiences? Because if you divorce half is his so he will get 50 %. He sounds very entitled.

Mine is a marriage in every respect.
We 100% trust each other and are 100% commited to each other, just don't need a joint account.
A joint account doesn't mean you will wander off into the sunset together on your zimmer frames.
I've known several peeps who have divorced after 2 /3 years. One family member recently ended at 8 years and he cleaned out out financially. Her solicitor is costing her a fortune trying to untangle as he has hidden the money and she has had a loan from her parents to cover her bills

So I am very close to a situation where over time a woman became the main earner in the family. DH then decided (unilaterally and after the kids had started school), that he would become a home maker. The majority of cleaning and mental load still fell to the women but he did pick up and feed the kids. Whilst the kids were at school he filled his time with the gym and regular pub visits. On one of these visits he met and fell in love with another woman. Apparently, you cannot help who you fall for. This is where it gets nasty. He then went for divorce. Including half of her pension and remained in the house arguing he was the main carer. Half of all savings (which he had never contributed to), also went his way. I know this is the same for any woman that stays at home, but largely they will be doing the bulk of household work. He had not been. So be careful OP generally. On the gift itself. Its yours. Keep it separate.

Why on earth did you marry then? You know any of your verbal agreements are moot, “all that I have I share with you” isn’t just words, it’s a legal contract. It doesn’t sound like you learned any lessons at all. Depending on the length of your marriage, if you divorced he might be entitled to half of your assets!

Whether he’s on a low income or not he should still make some contribution, he’s got an nice easy life.

These types of conversations between married people never cease to confuse me. I could never, in a million years be in a marriage where we have to take scores of who earns what, who pays for what. From the beginning, my wife and I have one pot of money, as we are a family unit. There is no "she pays this, I pay that". Everyone's lives revolve around money, but if we'd have to spend energy on soul-sucking convos like that, even though we are supposed to be a team, working towards the same goal, it would be exhausting.

Tell your husband you are giving him half of the money. Then immediately tell him he owes you half the money for the holiday, and so it all balances out.

Also next time you are generous enough to pay for the holiday spend a good amount of time whinging about how you pay for everything and he doesn't contribue and see if that shuts him up.

I can understand the principle behind your OP; the money that paid for the holiday has simply gone back where it came from.

But everything else I think is on much shakier ground. Your DH is financially dependent on you. You say it is not his fault, which I take to mean that in the short term at least, he cannot change that.

None of that explains why you get to decide what happens to your finances and he just has to accept it. If he can't afford to leave you, that is financial control. I'm not saying your decision was wrong, but your refusal to discuss it or the rest of your finances with your husband definitely is.

It is your gift. I’d give him 10% to shut him up.

In any other case I would say you should share but I’m going to make an exception this time. Your relative was reimbursing you for the holiday. Perhaps tell DH he can pay you half for the holiday and then you can reimburse him from the relative’s money? 🙄 🙄

YANBU (and the SAHM point is moot as you have no dependent, shared children).

However, you married him so he does have a claim on your wealth should you split, unless you had a pre-nup?

What are his future employment prospects?

This. All our money is joint, from the day we married. So any gift given to us by parents/family etc has always been shared.

However, in your situation, seeing as the relative wanted to pay for your trip, and you had already paid for the trip, then it's your money to replace what you spent. If there was any left over, then I do think you should perhaps share it, but it doesn't really sound like that's how you generally run things anyway. Perhaps use it for a future trip.

Sadly you have married a ' grade A CF '
( expression used by another poster earlier in thread @caringcarer )

This is why women in marriages get shafted, all this 'whats mine is yours' business, often results in women losing out.

We only have a joint account for bills, our wages are paid into our own separate accounts, we're not married and I dont want to be but if we were, we would still keep that system

Do you think he felt you’d have softened your stance on finances over time? Did he always have this approach to finances do you think? It would plant a seed of concern in my mind in that situation as clearly he is being unreasonable

Whether you have family money or separate money is a bit irrelevant. You didn't have family money when you paid for the holiday alone and presumably he didn't protest or offer to pay his fair share. It can't be family money now that a reimbursement has been given to you. Would he expect half if the flight was cancelled and refunded? The situation isn't very different.
Good for you for protecting yourself.

My thoughts exactly!

We have 'shared' finances in our house (in a very disorganised way but shared nevertheless) and I wouldn't dream of 'claiming' part of a gift which has been given to my DP. I wouldn't dream of it, in spite of the fact that I am currently earning and he isn't. I DEFINITELY wouldn't dream of it if I was contributing zero to our family finances. I can't believe he even suggested it.