Cash gift from parent - sharing with spouse

[Dexysmidnightstroller]

For various reasons I’m currently the main breadwinner and paying all bills. We do ok, fortunate to have paid off the mortgage, and balance having nice but not extravagant holidays with saving for retirement.

We recently went on an overseas holiday mainly to visit an elderly relative of mine. We did lots of other things too but that was the main reason for the venue and we ensured we spent a lot of time with her. At the end, without asking and as a complete surprise, she insisted on a really generous gift of ££ as she wanted to pay for our trip. We absolutely never expected or asked, but accepted the gift (she is comfortably off and is known for generous help to my siblings as well).

As I’d already budgeted and paid for the holiday I put the gift into savings/investment. DH has whinged a bit, saying it was a gift to “us” with the implication that he should take half and do what he wants with it. AIBU to point out that I paid for the holiday and my relative was theoretically reimbursing it, so if I decide it should go into savings that is up to me? (And by the way be grateful for the free trip and for our future financial stability?)

IANBU = I was within rights to decide what to do with the gift
IABU = he was entitled to his half of the windfall

Think they were quite even at one stage then he lost his good job and is now earning less. This is changing the power dynamic in the relationship.

So hang on: are you paying ALL the bills? And he’s paying nothing and keeping all his earnings for himself? That can’t be right, surely?

I agree with this. OP, I know this is easy to see from the outside but I can't believe you were burnt by one bad relationship where you lost money....and walked into another one AND married him. Because however much you keep your finances separate, in the event of a divorce it is certainly you who will lose out again.

so what does this prince among men bring to the party?

He is indeed a CF!!! I would buy yourself something fabulous with it as a protest!

You’re cruising for a bruising here. Men don’t respect women who financially prop them up.

Get out of this before he screws you over

my friend did this twice - now I can’t say what’s happened to her it’s too triggering but just fucking get away from the bastard. Honestly you don’t need a man like him in your life, I got fed up of my hard working friend who was in such a high powered job having this leech hanging onto her - galavanting around spending her hard earned cash, I hate him for what he did to her, just get out.

My friend was like this I don’t get it!!!!! She would complain to me she pays for everything but stayed with this man.

Flip the genders around and I doubt you would get this response. A high earning man paying the bills, and then gets gifted money and doesn't want to share it with his minimum wage earning wife..

Selfish bastard...

I think part of sexist and
Patriarchal ideas gets exposed on these threads. Many people still have the idea that the man should be the one providing and supporting a family, and even if we know this is the case, we have a subtle bias against men who are lower earners or reliant on their wives finances.. as a result we react far harsher to them than to the equivalent wives who rely on their husband (not talking about those raising children obviously).

To answer the question though. I don't like fully split financial marriages, but if your husband knew that going in, and he agreed to it, then he has nothing to moan about.

I would question though why you don't feel an urge to share good fortune with the one you love most dearly? You certainly don't have to.. but I think in most loving marriages people don't need to but do desire to share around good fortune, even if just a little bit.

Agreed - I’d like to know this. People comparing him to a SAHP are missing the point - he isnt doing unpaid labour to benefit the household. He’s free-loading.

He is behaving like a petulant child over the money but this is fairly unsurprising given he isnt fulfilling an adult role in the relationship, let alone being an equal partner.

Why didnt you keep him as a DP and not make him a DH, OP - especially after being burnt in the past?

Accidently hit the YABU, apologies. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Women usually are at home from birth of child until they are more independent though. They don't quit work after the children start school. And they usually take the load of housework admin and childcare. Not all I know but most.

How much does he bring home each month - what costs and bills does he pay?

How much disposable income do you have each month (before savings)?

Why have you told him that you don’t want any contribution at all?

Is he looking for a better paid job or are you both happy for him to stay where he is?

I understand that you want to protect your finances due to the past, but in a marriage surely there’s normally some element of sharing or parity? Without knowing more about your relative incomes it’s hard to know whether you’re being financially controlling or whether he’s got the life of Riley.

I think this is fairly common with men, if his female partner out earns him he resents it and tries to sabotage her in some way. Generally by trying to get as much of her money for himself as he possibly can. Having achieved that he starts to feel as if he is now in his rightful position as the boss. He's the boss because she is now his slave, she works to keep him whilst he does very little in return.
@Dexysmidnightstroller you're the daddy here, stop letting him exploit you. You have all the power, you need to start wielding it.

You've got yourself a sponger there op.

A greedy one at that

She paid for the holiday. How isn't that sharing 'good fortune'? He just wanted even more.

I would question though why you don't feel an urge to share good fortune with the one you love most dearly?
@Xnz2022
HE is the one with the good fortune, he's landed himself a sugar mummy!

In this situation, I'd just talk about it-if you need the money for bills etc that's one thing, but if it's just an extra amount you'd not needed, why not ask what it is he particularly wants it for? As in, maybe he wants/needs clothing or something that would normally be outside the budget and thinks this is a rare chance to get something he usually has to go without.

No one is saying she should give him the money just they should discuss what happens to it as a couple.

His reaction would really piss me off in these circumstances. I hope he's worth it in other respects.

3rd option, you jointly discuss what happens to the money. However it seems sensible if you are on one income to save.

Could it be that he feels poor and would like a safety net or perhaps there is something that you both? Just be careful not to project your padt negative money experiences onto him as that could lead to him feeling resentful.

Rattled your cage.

I'm unsure how he expects to receive any of the money simply because he did t pay for any of the holiday in the first place. Be is essentially expecting you to just give him half the value of the trip!

I've mentioned in another thread that we kept separate finances after a bank manager warned me not to open a joint account.

I'm in Scotland, and up here children automatically inherit one third of their parents' moveable estate.

If my late husband and I had joined our assets I'd be facing old age minus a chunk of my savings, since I was the breadwinner for most of our married life and DH had two adult children when we married.

There were times that my parents gave us a joint gift and we set that aside for holidays.