AIBU to be upset about silence and no explanation?

[Lifeinblackandwhite]

I’m looking for a bit of perspective on a situation that’s left me feeling quite unsettled.

A friend and neighbour I’ve always been on good terms with (met up for coffee & lunch, exchanged Christmas and birthday cards, went to the cinema together etc) suddenly went very quiet with me, I know she had a recent bereavement and I sent messages of support and to make it clear I’m around if she needed a chat or to get out the house.

We’ve helped each other out in the past with feeding cats and looking after houses when one or the other of us has gone away and had an understanding that we’d support each other out when needed.

Recently I reached out to ask if she was available to feed my cat when I go away next month. She read the message, but didn’t respond.
I sent a couple of follow-ups (probably out of anxiety more than anything and to check she was ok) just to clarify there was no pressure and that I’d always return the favour if she needed me to.

There was still no reply, and then I found the house key I’d given her returned through my door with no note or explanation. Since then, communication seems to have stopped altogether. I think she may have blocked me on WhatsApp as her ‘last seen’ has disappeared.

I genuinely don’t know if I’ve done something wrong. I’ve tried to be kind and supportive, especially as she has had a difficult time recently. I’m feeling hurt, confused, and worried I may have upset them without realising.

I think it’s also triggered some old feelings from a past friendship where someone withdrew without explanation and ghosted me, so I might be extra sensitive to it. I feel like this is going to keep happening to me and I don’t know why.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you stop your mind jumping to “it must be me” when there’s no clear answer?
And how do I stop ruminating over this, the key through the letterbox feels so final, particularly with no note or explanation. It’s really quite sad.

That is sad.

I might write her an actual physical letter, saying that you are grateful for the friendship over the years and sorry that it seems to have come to an end for now, but that you would be happy to see her again in the future if things change.

Then go and spend time with other friends!

How long ago was she bereaved?

@Lurkingandlearning i think autumn time

so quite recent then? I would chalk it up to that and leave it for now. There's nothing to be gained by continuing to try to talk to her.
Just be polite whenever you see her, say hi, and let it go, find someone else to help with your cats.
It's possible she's really struggling and had a very emotional reaction to being asked for a favour.
If you've got her key, post it back with a note saying you wish her well and you're here if she needs anything.

How recent is the bereavement? Lots of people go into ‘hedgehog mode’ when dealing with personal tragedy. Maybe asking for a favour so soon made her realise that she isn’t in the space to have a friendship with you at the moment and hence she returned the key.

Sorry the part I missed out of the original - I’ve tried to edit it. I asked her around Christmas time if she was able to help out and at that point she said she couldn’t face it right now, but went on to say that wasn’t her saying she wouldn’t be doing it in the future, in fact she said she would be more than happy to.
So this returning the key with no explanation has thrown me off.

So am I right in thinking, you initially asked her at Christmas, and have asked her again recently?

@browneyes77 yes because she said Christmas was too difficult for her under the circumstances but wasn’t saying no to future helping out, in fact said she was very happy to continue doing it when she could.
So was I wrong to ask again? In that sense I took her at face value.

It's only been 2 months since Christmas, so if that’s the case, she may feel she’d already told you she wasn’t up to it and didn’t expect you to ask her again (or ask her again so soon), so she may have felt you were being a bit pushy?

‘In future’ in her mind, could be 6+ months down the line. If she’s still grieving, asking again only 2 months later when it’s still quite raw and she thinks she’s already told you once that she can’t do it, may have got her a little peeved

So have you communicated with her during this time where you weren’t asking for a favour?

Yes I’ve communicated in that time, asked if she wanted to go for a walk or coffee, in between Christmas and now. If she needs to talk I’m here etc etc.. which was met with silence. So maybe I should have left it, but I wasn’t sure what the best course of action was.
I hadn’t just asked for favours with no messages of support/ wanting to meet up in between.

@browneyes77 I just had no idea - maybe that’s my fault, I am diagnosed autistic so perhaps I didn’t read the signs. Maybe I should have waited for her to give the green light that she was ready. But literally no communication to go on was difficult to interpret.

As I wrote above I sent messages in between to check how she is and if she wanted to meet for coffee. It wasn’t just me asking her favours. And I made it clear in every message there was absolutely no pressure and I was happy to return the favour at any point.

I guess it’s the returning of the key with no explanation and the possible blocking me on WhatsApp too. In my eyes I’d only do that if I really disliked someone or they’d done something to really upset me.

Ah she told you firmly she wasnt up to it and you asked again a short time later

I think she feels that you dont understand her depth of grief and are pushing it.

Its a bit blunt to ask again almost straight away not even having met up tbh

they’d done something to really upset me

I think you have upset her by asking again so soon

You’ve been a bit pushy tbh OP and not respected her grieving. I had a pushy ‘friend ‘ who acted so personally affronted when I pulled back from communicating much with friends after loosing both my parents. I never spoke to her again after that.

@Jamfirstnotcream

I didn’t just ask straight away, I messaged in between to check in on her, asked if she wanted to meet for coffee or a walk to get out the house and chat. I was trying my best to show I care. Maybe I just fucked up.
I have autism (not an excuse I know) but obviously I don’t know how to have proper relationships with people. It’s sad. I thought I was being a supportive friend, but also made it clear I was there to help her whenever she needed and that there was no pressure.

Yeah, the returning of the key with no communication as to why seems a little harsh, but when people are grieving, their emotions can cause them to make blunt/rash decisions.

If you’ve caught her on a particularly bad day emotionally with your follow up message, then it could’ve just landed in the wrong way and she’s just lashed out.

Give her space and a bit of time.

As someone else said, you could always pop a note through her door just saying you’re sorry if you’ve upset her in anyway, that would never be your intention and that you’re still there if she needs to talk. And then leave her be and let her come to you if and when she’s ready.

But you have upset her, by asking her again to look after your cat shortly after she'd told you she wasn't feeling up to it. When you're grieving or feeling fragile or extremely low, all communication can feel like a demand, and I imagine your second cat minding request felt as if you were badgering her.

I'd do what @bridgetreilly suggested, put it out of your head for now, find someone else to mind your cat, and spend time with other friends.

When my dad died it was several months before my mum was even vaguely approaching back to normal.

she probably did not feel ready to start doing stuff again and given she said no at Christmas and didn’t respond to your first message you should have left it.

it will have been the additional two messages chasing that did it.

for what it’s worth, while people do occasionally forget to reply if someone is not replying it is often deliberate and a clue that they are not happy with the interaction,

@OneBlueFinch

I didn’t realise I was being pushy. Maybe I need to go back to the drawing board in terms of my communication. Not an excuse but I hate having autism. It makes everything harder. Maybe I took her message of “I can’t do it right now, but I’m not saying no for the future” too literally, as that’s what my brain is like. I don’t do nuance. I think in black and white, hence my username.

I really don’t think I acted totally awfully though, I didn’t just message asking for her help, I was also messaging her to say I was thinking about her and that I’m around whenever she needs a chat/cry/catch up or coffee. Even just a walk together to clear her head.

I’d say her giving your key back is her signalling she’s not able to help you right now - you might need to give the key to someone else. Honestly if she’s in deep grief, this will have very little to do with your actions- she just doesn’t have the bandwidth to explain herself to you properly right now. Don’t take it personally & keep up the kindness towards her.

I think you asked, she said no she wasn't in the right head space, then you sent her other messages which she ignored. That was the point to recognise she wasn't in the right space to communicate, give her some space maybe even brave and say I'm still here for you but I don't want to push you so I'm going to back of, please get in touch any time, not ask again if she could mind your cat. It comes across as pushy and insensitive

Honestly I have no idea what people want, it must be my autism/neurodiversity (or I’m just a crap person). I always assume messaging and letting someone know I’m there and asking if they want to meet up was a good thing. Or maybe just totally ignoring is the better option ? My black and white thinking is the bane of my life.

I guess I just come across as needy and full on, maybe selfish. My RSD makes me panic when I don’t get a reply from someone especially after weeks.

I’m sorry OP. Being ND it can be very hard to understand social norms. Don’t be too hard on yourself. This friendship may be rekindled in the future. For now, concentrate on your other friendships. It’s very hard to get things right when you don’t understand th ‘rules’. I hear you.

@OneLumen
I’m an idiot I know that now.
I didn’t realise the extent of my communication difficulties until recently. I always thought I didn’t have a problem in that area. But I clearly misread signs a lot and have a problem working out how people are feeling.

I’m sad not because I don’t have anyone to look after my cat, but because I really liked this friend and we had a lot in common. It was lovely to spend time together.