AIBU to be upset about silence and no explanation?

[Lifeinblackandwhite]

I’m looking for a bit of perspective on a situation that’s left me feeling quite unsettled.

A friend and neighbour I’ve always been on good terms with (met up for coffee & lunch, exchanged Christmas and birthday cards, went to the cinema together etc) suddenly went very quiet with me, I know she had a recent bereavement and I sent messages of support and to make it clear I’m around if she needed a chat or to get out the house.

We’ve helped each other out in the past with feeding cats and looking after houses when one or the other of us has gone away and had an understanding that we’d support each other out when needed.

Recently I reached out to ask if she was available to feed my cat when I go away next month. She read the message, but didn’t respond.
I sent a couple of follow-ups (probably out of anxiety more than anything and to check she was ok) just to clarify there was no pressure and that I’d always return the favour if she needed me to.

There was still no reply, and then I found the house key I’d given her returned through my door with no note or explanation. Since then, communication seems to have stopped altogether. I think she may have blocked me on WhatsApp as her ‘last seen’ has disappeared.

I genuinely don’t know if I’ve done something wrong. I’ve tried to be kind and supportive, especially as she has had a difficult time recently. I’m feeling hurt, confused, and worried I may have upset them without realising.

I think it’s also triggered some old feelings from a past friendship where someone withdrew without explanation and ghosted me, so I might be extra sensitive to it. I feel like this is going to keep happening to me and I don’t know why.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you stop your mind jumping to “it must be me” when there’s no clear answer?
And how do I stop ruminating over this, the key through the letterbox feels so final, particularly with no note or explanation. It’s really quite sad.

So you think a supportive text is enough for a bereaved friend? Honestly I thought everyone knew a supportive text is not enough- maybe I'm the unusual one. I was always taught, words are not enough, you show with your actions how you care.

I think the friend might fall more into my camp though.

That's exactly it, though, isn't it, YOU were taught and YOU believe a supportive text is not enough. Everyone is different, some people would absolutely love what you've suggested and it would add to stress for others.

There's no one size fits all when it comes to grief, so saying you are there for any help needed or support (and meaning it), maybe suggesting useful things like shopping (or making food) but allowing the other person to take you up on it (or not) is better than imposing what you think is best, IMHO.

Please don’t write a letter or card and put it through her door. She’s made it clear that further communication isn’t wanted.
Sorry you’re feeling bad about this OP but I think you need to leave her be.

This.
You didnt really listen to her...

Really? Just how sensitive is this poor delicate flower who, 6 months down the line of her "grieving process", cannot possibly cope with someone asking her to feed her cat?

What planet are you all living on?

Oh I would have hated all of that when I was grieving a loss last year. All I wanted was to be left alone, and that lasted quite some time. I did still see and speak to the 3 people nearest to me because they were also grieving, but anyone else was just too much for me to handle and I would have felt awful know that someone was going to be stopping by leaving food (that I couldn't eat as I had zero appetite) on my doorstep. The people pleaser in me would have told me I'd had to then get in touch with them to thank them etc.

What can possibly be draining about sending a 20 second text message to either say yes or no? This has become some sort of weird accepted fact that such tiny interactions can possibly be damaging in some way to our "mental health". If you believe that nonsense then you are part of the problem I'm afraid.

I'd suggest dropping some keys round without the courtesy of sending a single message of explanation beforehand is a far more physically and emotionally "draining" thing to do, given what a nasty undercurrent that behaviour clearly has.

Its got nothing to do with empathy towards someone going through a difficult time. Just because life is currently hard it doesn't mean its acceptable to use that fact as an easy excuse for such pathetic behaviour.

Certainly glad I’m not on your planet.

Indeed. When my aunt lost her husband of 70 years she barely knew what day of the week it was at 6 months.

I think people are being pretty harah on you, OP. The sad fact is that there is no one guaranteed way to support people how they want. We aren't mind readers. Sometimes a would you like to meet for coffee feels like too much. But if no one reaches out then the grieving person also feels hurt. The issue often isn't the friends, it's the grief.

You've got people saying you 'only' texted. You've got people saying you should have gone round. If you'd done that you'd have had people saying you were too much. If you turn up on the doorstep it's putting her on the spot, if you call to arrange first it's asking her to make decisions she's not up to. Etc etc. I've heard people say how hurtful it is when people don't know what to say so cross the street to avoid them. But also it's hard for the people concerned to deal with well meaning friends.

My guess is she's grieving, and therefore being a bit unreasonable. Which is a bit rubbish for you. You are allowed to feel hurt, but also try to forgive. Maybe she'll be in a better place in the future.

We don't know that it's 6 months down the line. Let's say the friend died in November, OP then asked her to cat sit a month later, she turned that down, so then OP asked again 2 months after that. I can see how that would have felt completely overwhelming for the neighbour. OP didn't do any of this intentionally of course but at the moment the neighbour probably just wants her to stop contacting her asking for favours, rather than get into a conversation about it.

So you wouldn't find it draining to have to interact with someone. Why does that mean everyone else must feel the same way? What a narrow world view, and how nasty to label someone's behaviour pathetic because you think they should behave the way you like.

Hi,
It sounds like your friend is grieving after their recent bereavement. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, some people seek company, some withdraw. Your friend has told you they are unable to commit to cat sitting and on practical terms returning the key allows you to give it to someone else.

In line, the friendship may reconnect but for now, let her be. If she wants to or is able to talk, she will.

You're not a bad person. The fact you made yourself available and offered social outings, etc (probably well out of your comfort zone) is not wrong.
It's well and good for NT people to say you didn't see the signs, you overstepped, etc, but we don't see things clearly like that. It's helpful to have things explained fully, even timescales, as they differ from person to person so much. It leaves too much room for doubt and as appears now, mistakes can be made due to lack of clear boundaries. Though your friend is grieving, it was probably hard to let you know all this with everything else they're processing too.
Please try not to feel bad. They're not wrong in needing space and maybe thought they've done the best thing by ghosting you, to save the hurt of a face to face ending. It's a shame, but it's not on you.
If you bump into one another, acknowledge them, but let them make the first move for engaging in conversation. That way they know you see them, but are allowing them space should they still want it. If they walk away, remember it's nothing you've done (the gut punch you feel will pass).
Hope you find a cat sitter and have some other friends to spend time with and lift you up, so you can see what a kind person you are.

That's sad OP. I would knock on her door and get it out of her. Say you are confused and want to understand if you were offended her. Face to face best thing

You say she had a bereavement you “think” was in autumn. That doesn’t sound like you’re particularly close with this person.

In all of this messaging, have you ever just gone and knocked on her door to see how she is?

She sees you as a person who is using her for cat sitting. That’s why she has returned the key. If you want to genuinely be friends with her, no strings attached, no expectations of cat sitting, go round and apologise for upsetting her. No excuses, no reasons, just say sorry and offer some real, tangible help.

Obviously more sensitive than you.
Pop back when you've been bereaved for 6 months.

People coming to my door would be the WORST thing possible for me.
A text would be far far preferable.
Don't push your preferences on others, or judge if they dont behave in away that you have deemed appropriate.

Doesn’t sound like they were close friends. Sounds like they’re acquaintances / neighbours. And OP kept texting asking to meet up when neighbour was bereaved.

Receiving requests to meet-up / do stuff etc is stressful and smothering when you’re going through a big bereavement or mental ill health. When you’re in a total mire there’s only so many times you can say “no thanks” to an acquaintance before you start feeling peed off at someone and wanting to step-back to preserve your mental energy for the essentials (family / kids / best friends).

When that person doesn’t get the hint but instead asks (again) if you can feed their cat…well, you pop their key discretely back and draw a line under things, having dodged a stressful bullet.

I really don't think the neighbour is thinking that OP should do more. I think she wants to be left alone. It's quite clear since she hasn't taken OP up on any of her requests to mee up.

It sounds like a combination of you misreading her signals and her being overly sensitive due to her grief.
I personally wouldn’t have asked for a favour again until she was back to messaging or meeting for a walk/ coffee and more time had passed.
You haven’t done anything wrong or malicious so don’t be too hard on yourself it’s just clearly been taken badly by her during a difficult time.

Thanks for all the replies. They’ve put everything into stark perspective. I think I need some serious help in understanding the difference between friendship and acquaintances. But also between friends and close friends.
I also think I may need help with communication too and understanding and interpreting it, didn’t realise it was so difficult for me.
At one point I’d say we were friends, maybe not really close, but definitely friends. Those saying I should have gone round, I do know her well enough to know she would have hated that. Me turning up unannounced that is.

I’m now trying to decide whether to put a note through her door or not. Or will it just make things worse.

I think you should leave the ball in her court now and not leave a note. You have tried to reach out multiple times already, she’s getting your messages but choosing to not be in touch. She knows you care about her.

But if you asked at Christmas time (end of December) and have asked again now (beginning of March) that's not even 3 months. Christmas and New Year are really hard for newly bereaved people, so really, she's had about 2 months of 'normal time'.

Often, 'no pressure' inadvertently puts more pressure on.

I do agree with this. A neighbour had a bereavement and I deliberately made a meal in a foil tin tray so they could just chuck it away afterwards.