AIBU to be upset about silence and no explanation?

[Lifeinblackandwhite]

I’m looking for a bit of perspective on a situation that’s left me feeling quite unsettled.

A friend and neighbour I’ve always been on good terms with (met up for coffee & lunch, exchanged Christmas and birthday cards, went to the cinema together etc) suddenly went very quiet with me, I know she had a recent bereavement and I sent messages of support and to make it clear I’m around if she needed a chat or to get out the house.

We’ve helped each other out in the past with feeding cats and looking after houses when one or the other of us has gone away and had an understanding that we’d support each other out when needed.

Recently I reached out to ask if she was available to feed my cat when I go away next month. She read the message, but didn’t respond.
I sent a couple of follow-ups (probably out of anxiety more than anything and to check she was ok) just to clarify there was no pressure and that I’d always return the favour if she needed me to.

There was still no reply, and then I found the house key I’d given her returned through my door with no note or explanation. Since then, communication seems to have stopped altogether. I think she may have blocked me on WhatsApp as her ‘last seen’ has disappeared.

I genuinely don’t know if I’ve done something wrong. I’ve tried to be kind and supportive, especially as she has had a difficult time recently. I’m feeling hurt, confused, and worried I may have upset them without realising.

I think it’s also triggered some old feelings from a past friendship where someone withdrew without explanation and ghosted me, so I might be extra sensitive to it. I feel like this is going to keep happening to me and I don’t know why.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you stop your mind jumping to “it must be me” when there’s no clear answer?
And how do I stop ruminating over this, the key through the letterbox feels so final, particularly with no note or explanation. It’s really quite sad.

And I’m upset that I’ve upset her - if that makes sense. I hate upsetting people, especially those I care about and it goes round & round in my head, I don’t even like upsetting strangers!
I wish I could be like other people and not give a F about others. But I find it painful.

It's probably more to do with her grief, rather than anything you've done.

It sounds like you've been caring and supportive. I suppose she might be annoyed you've asked about the cat but the silence and giving back the key without explanation seems harsh. She's left you wondering what's happened, which is horrible for you.
I would send a card to say sorry if you've upset her? and you wish her well. Then leave it. That's all you can do really. But I don't think you've done anything really wrong.

Yes I might try the card through the door. Then leave it.

I’m just concerned it’ll be awkward if I see her as we are neighbours after all.

I don't really think you've done anything wrong, you were kind and supportive and even if that wasn't what she needed, she must know it comes from a good place. I think eventually she'll probably start talking to you again if you back off now, and when she's feeling better she might explain her behaviour. At the end of the day, if she doesn't then really it's her loss since you actually care about her and want to support her. I wish you were my neighbour!

I agree @SillyQuail

I think the silence is a bit cruel to be honest.
Nobody's perfect, it's not like OP has done anything horrible.

Don't write it off, @Lifeinblackandwhite -- chances are this isn't some kind of permanent estrangement, so don't be too said. I think you'll be doing the best you can to give the friendship a chance to come back as strong as ever once your neighbour is feeling better by posting your key through her door with a nice card saying you were sorry if you were insensitive in asking her to look after your cat again, you appreciate she needs time to recover, that you're thinking of her, and would happy to hear from her if things change in future.

Just smile and say hello if you see her.

I got a friend back after nearly a decade of estrangement in the last few years.

I really wouldn't leap to thinking your friendship is over. She may just need a pause. She might feel guilty about not being able ti help with your cat, and be stressing over the fact she has your spare key and therefore no one else could use it.
I would just leave it for now and maybe send her a card/flowers in a month or two saying you hope shes OK and would she like to go for a walk.
It doesnt sound like you have done anything wrong at all.

You’re absolutely not an idiot @Lifeinblackandwhite . Please don’t blame yourself. You reached out because you’re a kind person. Just let this go if you can. Your friend is processing grief, it’s horrible and heartbreaking for her. I’ve been there, two months for others is like two days for her. Get something else sorted for your cats. Your friend will find you when she’s ready. Possibly months down the line. Let her grieve at her own pace. You’re a good person to care so much x

I don't think you have really done anything wrong. It's difficult for all of us to understand how someone else is processing grief. I saw a friend today who was widowed last autumn and she is struggling just now - to her surprise because felt things were getting easier. It's not a linear progression.

If she was bereaved in autumn and you initially asked around Christmas then I think that was far too close to her loss to have asked in the first place, though she seems to have declined graciously then, and Christmas can be a very challenging time for grief and loss. To then have asked again sometime within the 2 months since Christmas (possibly less depending on when exactly you asked for the second time?) does seem like another instance of insensitivity on your part unfortunately within a matter of weeks potentially...

She didn't accept the coffee and chat offer because a plan to do something wasn't what she needed. She wanted an expression of care not an offer.

You're neighbours and friends - did you text to ask how she was? Drop in a card or flowers? ask about specific stuff to initiate a text conversation? Offer to pick something up from the shops? Or bring back a borrowed item and have a doorstep chat?

Regretfully, asking the favour a second time and then panicking and pressing it is what's tipped her over the edge.

You're not a crap person, OP. From what you've said, I don't think you've done anything wrong. It sounds like something is going on with your friend and she is stepping back from friendships.

To reiterate: you're not a crap person. Neurodivergent people are told repeatedly that our neurodivergence makes us unintentionally rude, insensitive, pushy etc, while neurotypicals allegedly have all have the social graces down pat. All the media out there tells us that we're constantly fucking up. So when we're friends with someone who is neurotypical, we defer to their judgement and we assume if they drop us, it's because we messed up somewhere or were unintentionally a bad friend.

But your friend is not the arbiter of whether you're a good person or not. Don't put her on a pedestal: she is messy, inconsistent and as awkward as anyone else. It sounds like something is going on with her, but if she won't communicate, if she actively tries to prevent communication, then there is nothing you can do. But don't take it personally.

@WalkThisWay000

I realise that now, that I probably came across insensitive, in hindsight, but this is where I took her message as black & white, should have realised the nuance.
I did message in between to see if she was ok and whether she was wanting to meet up for coffee or a catch up.
I guess the silence should have been a sign.
It’s hard because my intention was to always come from a position of care and compassion, but it clearly hasn’t come off that way.

It was fine for you to take her literally in the sense that she probably would be willing to do favours again in future, but if she wasn’t ready at Christmas it’s unlikely she’d be ready now, especially if you. Haven’t had any real contact with her yet. Two months isn’t giving her enough time if it was a significant loss that she has suffered.

it was kind of you to send messages of support, but the problem with asking her what she needs from you is that it puts responsibility on her to think of what she needs, then think of what’s reasonable to ask of you, and then compose a polite message to send you. All of that can be too much if you’re grieving. This is a common mistake that people make when they want to be supportive, but it’s much more helpful for friends to just do useful things instead of needing to be asked.

I don’t think you did anything wrong! Who died? Was it her husband or someone super close? I personally think keeping in touch like you did and asking her to feed your cat isn’t a big deal really. Clearly it’s upset her so just leave it at that and return the key.

I think this is a hard one

Perhaps you did do it too soon but at the same time I don't think you did anything wrong either from what you say.

@ChalkOrCheese
That’s what I need to learn. I always thought offers of that sort were appreciated if someone was going through a tough time.
I know her well enough that turning up on the doorstep unannounced wouldn’t be something she’d appreciate.
Maybe flowers would have been a good idea, but I didn’t want to make her more upset, it’s so difficult.

@Babyijustdontgetit
A close friend of hers

OP, it might have absolutely nothing to do with your autism, it’s more likely to do with her bereavement.

i have autism as does my mum. My dad died in 2025. I’ve absolutely disappeared from many people I used to be involved with, as had my mum.

I understand it’s you and not your friend who has autism- different people need different things. When we were bereaved I had some friends who offered lots of support. I didn’t want it, I probably seemed quite rude.

i have in other situations offered different amounts of support and friendship, sometimes it’s welcomed and sometimes people just want everyone to fuck off. I’ve been on both sides of this. some people take 6 months alone to grieve, some people need 5 years.

Your neighbour just might not want to rejoin the world. That’s understandable.

Put a card through her door saying you’re sorry if you intruded, and you’re here if she needs any shopping.

Don’t ask for a reply or anything in return. If she’s like my mum she’s in hibernation.

You haven’t done anything awful. So don’t beat yourself up about it.

I think it was just a misunderstanding on your part is all. And you’re human. You make mistakes like the rest of us. And she is dealing with grief, so isn’t her usual self with regards to communication.

It can be hard enough to navigate someone’s grief at the best of times, so I can understand that being ND can add an extra layer of difficulty. But we’ve all been guilty of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I suspect that when you asked in December if she could watch your cat in April and she said no she wasn’t ready/up to it, when you asked again recently she felt she’d already told you she couldn’t do it, so was just a little upset you’d asked again. And because she’s grieving, her response was maybe a little more blunt than usual.

Once she’s in a better place mentally and emotionally, you may find she comes round and is more herself and talks to you again. At the moment she’s probably still feeling raw and overwhelmed. If you see her about in the meantime, just politely smile and go about your day.

We've all done it so please don't be self-conscious. Its not a ND or a NT thing.

but "double-messaging" can be annoying.

Especially repeated "have I done anything wrong?" messages.

Its asking the other person to use cognitive energy to discuss your relationship, when you actually aren't the main character or the person they want to be focussing on?

But its not the social faux pas of the century. You're not perfect and neither is she, or anyone else.

Just get on with your life, enjoy March, plan some nice things for yourself and reduce the catastrophising/ruminating.

Leave this situation well alone. Do not send any more messages or ask other friends about her.

Its definitely ok to feel quite upset, sad, rejected, embarrassed.

Those are just feelings though...you can sit with them, everyone has them. If you sit there and name the feelings they can have less power.

You don't have to jump in and try to problem-solve or start trying to fix things.

If you only met socially a few times and she isn't staying in touch she maybe sees you more as an "outer circle" friend and wants to give more energy to her "inner circle".

There's nothing wrong with being an "outer circle" friend. It can be nice having shorter, less serious, friendships sometimes.

@tentedquilt
I do understand that, I’m trying hard with the double messaging, I just seek constant reassurance from friends it seems. Especially if they don’t respond, maybe that’s why I’ve been ghosted before. I have a therapist I see weekly and I’m seeing her tomorrow so maybe I’ll speak about it there.

Again I don’t know if it’s the autism/adhd but I struggle with knowing who is a close friend and who is just a friend.

@tentedquilt I really wouldn't beat yourself up about this or ruminate about it

It could have happened to anyone

I don't think you did do anything wrong.

Think it was something where it was hard to know the right thing

I think I’ll talk it through with my therapist tomorrow. It’s the key through the door with no explanation that’s left me feeling really upset I think. Feels so final.

As someone else said, she may have just put the key through so that someone else can use it to look after your cat. And the headspace she’s in currently, maybe she just didn’t feel like explaining and has shut herself off for a while.

You are not a bad person, you are not an ‘idiot’. In fact I think quite the opposite, is that you’ve shown on this thread that you’re a very caring person. And I’m sure your friend knows that.

I think just take a step back, let her deal with her grief and she may very well come back around once she’s in a better head space. In the meantime, sort someone else to watch your kitty and try not to feel too bad. As someone else said, this is likely more about how she’s processing her grief.