AIBU to be upset about silence and no explanation?

[Lifeinblackandwhite]

I’m looking for a bit of perspective on a situation that’s left me feeling quite unsettled.

A friend and neighbour I’ve always been on good terms with (met up for coffee & lunch, exchanged Christmas and birthday cards, went to the cinema together etc) suddenly went very quiet with me, I know she had a recent bereavement and I sent messages of support and to make it clear I’m around if she needed a chat or to get out the house.

We’ve helped each other out in the past with feeding cats and looking after houses when one or the other of us has gone away and had an understanding that we’d support each other out when needed.

Recently I reached out to ask if she was available to feed my cat when I go away next month. She read the message, but didn’t respond.
I sent a couple of follow-ups (probably out of anxiety more than anything and to check she was ok) just to clarify there was no pressure and that I’d always return the favour if she needed me to.

There was still no reply, and then I found the house key I’d given her returned through my door with no note or explanation. Since then, communication seems to have stopped altogether. I think she may have blocked me on WhatsApp as her ‘last seen’ has disappeared.

I genuinely don’t know if I’ve done something wrong. I’ve tried to be kind and supportive, especially as she has had a difficult time recently. I’m feeling hurt, confused, and worried I may have upset them without realising.

I think it’s also triggered some old feelings from a past friendship where someone withdrew without explanation and ghosted me, so I might be extra sensitive to it. I feel like this is going to keep happening to me and I don’t know why.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you stop your mind jumping to “it must be me” when there’s no clear answer?
And how do I stop ruminating over this, the key through the letterbox feels so final, particularly with no note or explanation. It’s really quite sad.

Can I just clarify something @Lifeinblackandwhite

Did you ask at Christmas about April and then again recently?

Or was it 2 different occasions?
Christmas and April ?

I think if both were April she feels she said No already and feels annoyed / irritated you have asked again

If its 2 separate occasions then I think she feels its a big ask and quite honestly I agree.
Cat sitting is not her priority and I wouldnt ask someone who is grieving a favour like this
It comes across quite unfeeling and blunt

OP leave her alone. She's gave you your key back and blocked you. Take the hint and get on with your life.

The problem with Autism/ADHD/rsd is everything is made about the person who has it. Even now you're still thinking about how to make those confusing rejected feelings go away. It's yours to sit with. I get that it's probably awful to live with and I have every sympathy.

Any more contact from you will not be welcome and will probably make you feel worse. You need to protect yourself from feeling worse. A note won't help you, it'll just give you something else to stress about.

Get in touch with mates and have a get together or something.

Yeah I think you've done the wrong thing here, the timeline from her perspective isn't great;
Autumn bereaved
Christmas you asked her and she said she couldn't face it
She's not intimated she's even up for a walk and is quiet
You again ask if she can cat feed

I suspect she went "ofgs you know my situation and how I'm feeling, I'm clearly not on my feet/feeling OK at the moment, why have you asked again. I'll ignore and pop the key back because I can't face telling her again about how awful I'm feeling".

Personally, if she's a neighbour I'd have seen the Christmas "I'm not up for it" message and immediately grabbed some wine, or cake or flowers and popped them outside a door with a card saying I was always there for her as a friend. Then I'd have left it. Let her grieve, let her reach out if she needed me.

If you want to maintain the friendship, I'd get a card and flowers, write an apology saying sorry if she felt pushed to do the cat, you would hate her to feel that way, and totally understand she needs her space, message if you'd ever like to chat etc. Then let her be and properly leave it, no more messages cat related or otherwise. I suspect she'll come round when she's ready and she has processed some of her grief. You've just pushed too hard and probably made her feel 2 months is the amount of time it should have taken her to "go back to normal". That probably raised a whole load of feelings she is having and processing right now, unfortunately.
I wonder if it's worth you thinking about how this situation has occurred, and how it isn't the first time. Possibly there's a communication challenge there (maybe autism) or possibly you need to just think about others perspectives at times.

@Ireallywantadoughnut36

Yes I think you’re right , I think I don’t seem to see from people’s perspectives and maybe even though I’m not intending to, I come across as selfish.
However, the one thing I will say is when she said no to helping at Christmas as it was too much she did say: ‘I’m very happy to look after her whenever I can in general though so please don’t take this as a hint that I don’t want to look after her anymore - I just can’t make plans/think about Christmas’

So maybe I wrongly assumed about asking for next month and it was too presumptuous on my part. Without thinking it was likely too soon since the death of her friend.

@Jamfirstnotcream No I asked about Christmas when I went away for the holidays then.
This is a separate ask, which as I posted above. She had said I shouldn’t take it as a hint she didn’t want to help out anymore. But maybe I assumed too early, I should have waited for communication from her. I was too pushy and took it too literally.

@gamerchick

I get that, and maybe it’s selfish and a huge fault of mine, but I really struggle when I think people don’t like me or I’ve done something to upset them unwillingly. I go out of my way to make sure I don’t upset people, I’m a bit of a people pleaser. Wish I wasn’t, but it’s a trait of mine. I also have RSD, which means I take every rejection or perceived rejection really badly.

Most people have voted that you're not being unreasonable and not in the wrong.
From reading the thread, some people have said you perhaps did the wrong thing but many people have also said you didn't do anything wrong (I was on this side).

But you've obviously decided to believe the people saying you were in the wrong here. I really don't think it's that black and white

@purpleme12
I always think the negative about myself, I don’t know why

That is your RSD though. People pleasing, going though every conversation to check for anomalies, driving yourself mad and then wanting reassurance and validation that people don't hate you.

Everything you're feeling is yours to sit with. It's not a fault, it's just the way you are. RSD is inherently self absorbed. It really looks like it sucks to live with.

Your friend doesn't have the spoons. You need to find another way to make yourself feel better.

@gamerchick

So you don’t think a note is a good idea then?

No. It'll make you feel worse than you do now.

@gamerchick
Can I ask why? As I’m not expecting a reply.

No! Just leave her alone. She's sent you a clear message by returning the key (I'm AuDHD and even I get that!).

How many more times do you need to be told to leave her alone, this is not a healthy obsession it really isn't

"I wonder if it's worth you thinking about how this situation has occurred, and how it isn't the first time. Possibly there's a communication challenge there (maybe autism) or possibly you need to just think about others perspectives at times."

Did you even read the thread? @Lifeinblackandwhite has said five times that she has a diagnosis of autism. She has said that she thinks she finds it hard to see things from other people's perspectives and comes across as selfish, unintentionally. She has said that she has realised she has communication difficulties and needs help with understanding and expressing herself.

Ironically, she's shown remarkable insight, as well as clear difficulty with the finer nuances of her social communication.

But you've come along to say that, perhaps, she has a communication challenge, maybe autism, or possibly needs to think about others perspectives?? Perhaps read the thread!

@Lifeinblackandwhite I agree with gamerchick. Your RSD has kicked in. It's a horrible situation because you didn't intend to hurt your friend/acquaintance and you thought you had the sort of relationship where asking for favours was ok. It's ok, it's just that you had slightly different expectations than your neighbour. I also have ASD and have had similar struggles with knowing the depth of friendships. I've learned to guard myself now.

Let it go. Writing a note will not end well. Find people who appreciate you in all your social communication awkwardness, and who will help you to develop those skills - they are out there.

I just feel like a crap person now. My parents never had friends when I was growing up, I never really saw how to maintain or communicate in healthy friendships. I guess the AUDHD doesn’t help either.

i’ve just got to get over it and yes I am getting a bit fixated on it.

If managing communication in 1-1 friendships gives you too much emotional anxiety, you could try to find local groups or Meetups and turn up to a few?

Or things like a hobby or sports group which meets regularly.

Even a church or spiritual group (they often have specific groups for younger people - like Buddhists do 18-30 year olds).

They don't really care if you're practising religious and can be friendly and well-organised with nice people.

Many may not be your style (or full of weird old men).

However if you keep trying new ones (even in nearby cities) you'll probably find a few that suit you and are friendly and have a decent mix of people.

Once you have a few you can just see whats happening each week. I've had lots of great chats, been to theatre, coffee, pub nights...

After you've attended a few you see the same regular faces so are part of the group.

You can just turn up and enjoy the social stuff and not worry about organising or texting or staying in touch.

(I do have some people's numbers but I know if I want to see them I just have to look up the next meet and attend?)

You made a mistake. You just misread a situation. It's ok. You haven't done any harm. Everyone has these awkward moments from time to time. You are just acutely aware of it every time you do, and because it's hard to let go to prior events, it's been stacked on top of them, so it seems really big.

Oh OP, I’m sorry this has happened to you and can only hope in time you get the closure you deserve. I’m in a similar boat - a friend/neighbour who I’ve had walks with, both been round each others houses, gone for drinks with our families and who also attends the church I go to (after asking me for recommendations - but she now avoids me there). I don’t know what it is - maybe it’s a fear of getting close to someone that drives the ghosting behaviour. It could be anything of course, but I really don’t think it’s anything you’ve done wrong. You’ve handled things really well. Let her come to you. Live your life.

@Lifeinblackandwhite, you sound like a lovely, thoughtful person and a great neighbour.

Please do not think that you have done anything wrong, and please do not let this knock your confidence in your own social skills or instincts.

Your neighbour is being terribly rude in not replying and in dropping off the key. Absolutely inhumane.

You don't know the neighbours version of all this but I find it hard to understand how you can say this about them you only have OPs take on this

I'm not quite sure how that's relevant? Anyone commenting on Mumsnet is always relying on the OP being truthful and fair to the best of their ability.

"Ghosting", which is what the neighbour appears to have done, is often endorsed on Mumsnet as a totally acceptable and unproblematic way to treat people.

I find it horrific, hence my comment.

But you dont know what or how the neighbour has acted towards the OP nor if they have made it clear the OP is being pushy or they don't want contact even with the best intentions in the world any OP cannot state a situation exactly how it is just their version of it like situations in real life

The label ghosted is well overused and you dont know if the neigbour has done thar or the OP has chosen not to listen or take hints or misread signals

From my perspective, it's very disappointing how rare it is for adults to act like proper adults. By which I mean having the maturity and personal rectitude to do things that might seem unpleasant or even a bit daunting, like having a difficult conversation with a neighbour.

Blocking someone's number and returning a key without a word does absolutely constitute "ghosting" for want of a better word, and, again, I don't think it's a humane, or adult, way to treat anybody.

I agree

I dont think all those telling the Op shes done nothing wrong are helping when she has said already her RSD causes her to seek constant reassurance and she has also said shes becoming fixated.
Far better if Op understands where she has gone wrong and seeks help with communication, she has said communication fizzles out

Ive been on the other side of this with a colleague who I bumped into at a group, who then accelerated the relationship to friends and would not stop talking at me at the group ( for relaxation ironically) and at work in front of others.
It was extremely distressing and HR had to get involved.

There are 2 sides to every story and I think the neighbour has reached the limit of what she can tolerate
Edit
Bear in mind also that the window of tolerance is affected by bereavement/ grief and what was ok prior might not be now