AIBU to be upset about silence and no explanation?

[Lifeinblackandwhite]

I’m looking for a bit of perspective on a situation that’s left me feeling quite unsettled.

A friend and neighbour I’ve always been on good terms with (met up for coffee & lunch, exchanged Christmas and birthday cards, went to the cinema together etc) suddenly went very quiet with me, I know she had a recent bereavement and I sent messages of support and to make it clear I’m around if she needed a chat or to get out the house.

We’ve helped each other out in the past with feeding cats and looking after houses when one or the other of us has gone away and had an understanding that we’d support each other out when needed.

Recently I reached out to ask if she was available to feed my cat when I go away next month. She read the message, but didn’t respond.
I sent a couple of follow-ups (probably out of anxiety more than anything and to check she was ok) just to clarify there was no pressure and that I’d always return the favour if she needed me to.

There was still no reply, and then I found the house key I’d given her returned through my door with no note or explanation. Since then, communication seems to have stopped altogether. I think she may have blocked me on WhatsApp as her ‘last seen’ has disappeared.

I genuinely don’t know if I’ve done something wrong. I’ve tried to be kind and supportive, especially as she has had a difficult time recently. I’m feeling hurt, confused, and worried I may have upset them without realising.

I think it’s also triggered some old feelings from a past friendship where someone withdrew without explanation and ghosted me, so I might be extra sensitive to it. I feel like this is going to keep happening to me and I don’t know why.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you stop your mind jumping to “it must be me” when there’s no clear answer?
And how do I stop ruminating over this, the key through the letterbox feels so final, particularly with no note or explanation. It’s really quite sad.

This is why you don't try contact again. You're not doing it for her, you're doing it because you want to stop feeling crap and reassured that she doesn't hate you.

She doesn't hate you OP, it's unlikely she's thinking of you at all. She simply does not have the bandwidth for any of your needs any more.

Just leave her alone. It won't make you feel better.

You seem very kind. My husband had a heart attack and died November 2024. It made me view life and people differently. I pulled back from those that previously.i would see regularly. The friend who had lost her parent the year before who turned up saying how devastated she was for me. Was always negative and complaining about something. I couldn't deal with that. Another one who had lost her husband years ago and aparently knew excactly how I felt. I pulled back from that one. The continued explanations of how I felt. The friend who I thought was close with never heard from her for months. If I did see her the ..let me know if you need anything. Hmmm. I needed you to be with me and you weren't. Grief made me question my life and boundaries. I only have time for those who bring me joy and make space for my grief.i don't have the energy to pretend. On the plus side I have friends who absolutely stepped up for me and whom I am eternally grateful to. I just couldn't make space for others. You probably.havent done anything wrong. Give her space. Message her occasionally to say you are thinking of her. Let her do what she needs to do. Find new friends for yourself. She will find you again if it is meant to be xx

I know this is really pathetic but I can’t stop thinking about this. I had some horrible dreams last night. I have no idea why it’s affected me so much, I know the RSD has a part to play.
A lot of the comments have said that the feelings I have are mine to sit with and I totally get that, but I’m finding it excruciating.
I’m kind of scared walking around in my local area in case I bump into her. I think it’s the feeling of ‘being in trouble’ or ‘ done something wrong’

I’m so sorry OP, life is cruel sometimes. From what you’ve said I don’t understand why she would behave in this way. Someone did similar to me once, she did apologise years later but never explained. Now we are polite and chat if we see each other (rarely) but no longer friends. I never did know what I did.
you are not a bad person. Some people miss the hidden signals and I don’t think you were unreasonable having read your account of it. I would not send a note. Her message to you is quite clear from the key coming back, and you should gather your dignity and move on.

Don't be scared to go outside. If you do bump into her just mirror her behaviour. If she says hi, you say hi. If she smiles you smile. If she looks away, you look away. She's not going to have a go at you, because all you have done is misread her signals which is easily done. She never told you to back off or stop contacting her, she just hoped that you would get the hint. You haven't exactly committed the crime of the century. Onwards and upwards.

It is awkward to be honest when this has happened and you go out and see them (or at least I find it is). But that's not a reason to avoid going about what you usually do. They're the ones who've chosen to make it like this not you.

To me they've indicated they don't want to talk so I wouldn't talk to them. But they're the ones who've made it awkward. I had someone block me on Facebook recently because she didn't like something my child had done. I had done literally nothing to her. Saw her in town recently, didn't acknowledge her cos she'd made it clear that's how she wanted it. But I do feel awkward

I guess I’m at a loss as to why she did this anyway? As we always seemed to get on really well. I would love to have an opportunity to just speak to her and understand what happened from her perspective. As I truly don’t understand.

That would have to come from her. Don't put any pressure on her to explain herself. If she approaches you then you can ask.

Unfortunately there have been many times in life where I haven't understood what people have done. You don't always get explanations.

You have to accept some people are strange or do the wrong things or don't like you anymore or whatever applies.....

Have you never had it before where someone brushed you off/stopped contacting you with no explanation?

I think if you asked her for a favour around Christmas time ish and haven’t seen her since then it was unreasonable to ask her to do you a favour before you saw her socially. I know you have tried to see her since Christmas but it just seems a bit off to me, sorry. I would say that you haven’t acted awfully but I think it was a little insensitive to ask for a favour before she was socialising again. Grieving is a bit of a process and I don’t think you’ve given her long enough.

On another thread I’m outlining how this played out for me, with my DB, & am getting IMO a little flamed about trying to repair a relationship where the other party shut down with no explanation. I now have that explanation & whilst I personally feel it’s a deflection, I have to sit with that. But I understand how you feel OP. Someone cutting you out but not explaining why is a particular kind of cruel I think. Of course they’ll have their reasons, but does that just make it ok? We just have to accept someone not explaining what you’ve done to them? Maybe they are conflict avoidant in your case? Anyway what I’m learning is you can only control yourself & your reactions. Keep busy & move on. But I understand how you feel.

Hey OP, just skimmed through but... I cannot really see what you have done 'wrong'. Asking someone to look after a cat several months after a bereavement isn't something most people would see as unreasonable, especially given there was a prior arrangement in place.

It may well be that your neighbour is just in a bad place, and grief can make people do crazy things. I can see why you are hurt by the key through the door thing.

I am neurodivergent like you, and sometimes I think we 'over-internalise' and always presume we are the problem, when it's often just as likely to be an issue with the other person, or simply a misunderstanding.

Please just leave her to it. As a good friend of mine says - 'don't rent space in other people's minds' - you cannot know what she is truly thinking and feeling. No matter how much you try. You cannot do everything right or make sure everyone always likes you.

@purpleme12
Yes, I’ve had this happen before with another good friend. This friend I was very close to. I had no idea why she ghosted me and still don’t to this day. And it’s very painful.
Of course I automatically assume it’s my fault.

I think thinking in terms of fault and explanations feeds the loop you’re in.

It isn’t nice, you’re feelings are hurt, it feels unnecessary to you but it’s happened and you can’t change that, you were just being you and you didn’t see it coming so you couldn’t have mitigated against it. Choosing to “ghost” is not a decision most people would make, they would give a slow fade that means subconsciously you can prepare. There were signs she was pulling away. I think you saw them but ignored them because that isn’t what you wanted. The only thing you can control now is moving on. The rumination loop you’re in often keeps you feeling some control but you’re harming yourself not them. Did someone earlier say you wouldn’t ask a snake why it bit you? It feels personal but that is the spin you’re putting on it. If you were in a boat in a fog and another boat forcefully banged into yours and you were hurt you would want to blame the people in the other board but if the fog then cleared and you saw the other boat was empty that blame feeling would dissipate but you’d still be hurt. she had different values to you. I suspect uou wouldn’t treat someone who you had a relationship with like she has even if you wanted to not be friends anymore. She has. Data received.

I'm not minimising the upset because I also find it upsetting

But I don't always think it's because you've done anything wrong particularly

Unfortunately we just have to accept these things sometimes for what they are and move on

I’m trying to accept it but it’s difficult.
I think with my autism I like to know why things have happened and the meaning behind them. Even when there isn’t always a definite answer.

I know at some point I’ll have to accept it.

My DH and our kids all have autism. There are difference between how it manifests for each of them - but when someone behaves in a way that hurts them after previously acting like a good friend, it hits them all very hard. I’ve taught them all to view it as data received and move on.

Needing to know why something happens means my DH is amazing at his job but it does leave him vulnerable in his personal life. I had a lot of childhood trauma so I overanalyse everthing so we suit each other and both value loyalty highly. He’s definitely had experiences similar to yours. He is marmite - people love him or strongly dislike him, few are ambivalent to him, but if they don’t get him then it’s their loss.

You won’t be the only person in her life she’s treated this way I shouldn’t think. There is nothing wrong with you that you need to work out here. I’m sure there’s a famous quote along the lines of what other people think of you is none of your business. What you have to decide is what treatment you willing to accept and also accept that other people do have the right to walk away however they choose to do it.

We’ve found a friendship home in ultrarunning, CrossFit and hyrox. I can’t do much as I have health issues but I still fit in the community, our gym is really social and whilst there are individual friendship groups there are also monthly group socials and group walks that are open to everyone - so you get a ready made social group too. Sometimes when people are there to do something not just be friends there is space for deeper friendships to grow.

OP, I have autism too and I have to say you're coming across as very, very intense. I do wonder if that comes across in your messages to people in real life and they find it all a bit much?

It's not so much black and white thinking. This is honestly something I've had to address myself, and a piece of advice I read years ago helped me no end.

You're thinking about you. Not her. Your post has a lot of 'I' in it. This is the mistake I've made and still do, though I try harder not to, and this was the crux of the advice I read.

Being a good friend in this situation isn't about what you think is helpful and supportive. It isn't about how you read situations or understand social interactions. To her, your messages of support aren't about her at all. They are about you. You want to see her, you want to hear from her.

Think about the posts you've sent her. Leaving aside the cat, you've asked her if she wants to meet up, you've told her you are 'there for her'. She knows that. But 'being there' for someone means letting them come to you. If you keep telling them about your obvious 'thereness', you are inserting yourself into their mental space, a subconscious indication that you aren't thinking about them, you are requiring them to think about you.

Don't think about you. It's actually really hard to do this with or without ND, because most of us view other people through the lens of their relationship to us. This doesn't make you a bad person, it actually makes you like most of us.

Think about her. If she wants to connect, she knows where you are. You constantly feeling the need to tell her where you are is about your need. Not hers.

She'll find you again when she's ready. This isn't about you, what you've done, etc. This is about her and what she needs. Every minute you spend worrying about what you did wrong, you are thinking about you. And therein lies the problem.

I'll be direct, not to be harsh, but because it often helps me when people are direct too.

I think it was quite insensitive and selfish to ask her favours so soon after a bereavement. She only lost them in the Autumn (very vague, could have been not that long before Christmas), but in any case, already at Christmas time you're asking her for favours. The woman was, and is, grieving.

This being said, it depends on the type of bereavement - partner, parent, child? Something like that - you shouldn't have been asking anything of her for a very long time.

If I was grieving and a 'friend' asked me for favours within just weeks/a couple months, I'd be gutted.

I will help anyone and everyone, and my friends always come to me for help. But at some points, it feels too much. And that's before you add in a bereavement.

@Lifeinblackandwhite
Have you considered whether this might be pure OCD, this takes the form of obsessional thoughts not physical compulsions ?
Apologies but I found your other thread and it seems you have had this same issue previously.
There is a big crossover with AUDHD ,around 30%

It can be related to serotonin deficiency and is treated with medication and CBT, immersing yourself in outdoor activities and nature to manage stress.

Agree that you probably come across as very intense and this is causing people to withdraw from you

This is intended to be supportive and I hope you can find a way to navigate this

@Toenailz I know it doesn’t make it any better. But she told me it was an old and close friend.

@Jamfirstnotcream
I am pretty certain I have OCD. It’s very likely. However, not diagnosed.
My brother has it too. Although he doesn’t have the compulsions as much nowadays. It was bad when we were younger.
His took the form of checking behaviours (door locking, multiple turning on & off of lights) whereas mine is more in my brain. Rumination, intrusive thoughts, magical thinking.
I’m so tired of it tbh. I wish I had a different brain.
As you rightly said, I come across as intense and obsessive and of course that’ll put people off. It’s a miracle I’ve got any friends at all.

@Toenailz
But she had followed up the message at Christmas with another message stating she was still wanting to help out and this wasn’t a hint that she didn’t want to do it anymore.

Yes, you keep saying that, and at the time, she probably genuinely meant it.

But perhaps she wasn't expecting to be asked again so soon, and, when she didn't respond, to be badgered about it.

People are allowed to change their mind, at any time.

You're looking at this from a very 'you' perspective, not considering that perhaps she just has a lot going on.

I mean, goodness, when one of my friends wasn't responding, it turns out she was dealing with a sudden blood cancer diagnosis.

It's not all about you.

Sometimes people want peace, without anything being asked of them. I often feel like this. At some points, I'll bend over backwards to help my friends. At other points, I wish they'd lay off with the pressure and asking for things. And then I keep quiet, to avoid saying something harsh and unnecessary. That's personally speaking, of course. Sometimes, we're just at a point in life when we don't want to people putting things on us.

Her returning the key was her telling you that.