AIBU to be upset about silence and no explanation?

[Lifeinblackandwhite]

I’m looking for a bit of perspective on a situation that’s left me feeling quite unsettled.

A friend and neighbour I’ve always been on good terms with (met up for coffee & lunch, exchanged Christmas and birthday cards, went to the cinema together etc) suddenly went very quiet with me, I know she had a recent bereavement and I sent messages of support and to make it clear I’m around if she needed a chat or to get out the house.

We’ve helped each other out in the past with feeding cats and looking after houses when one or the other of us has gone away and had an understanding that we’d support each other out when needed.

Recently I reached out to ask if she was available to feed my cat when I go away next month. She read the message, but didn’t respond.
I sent a couple of follow-ups (probably out of anxiety more than anything and to check she was ok) just to clarify there was no pressure and that I’d always return the favour if she needed me to.

There was still no reply, and then I found the house key I’d given her returned through my door with no note or explanation. Since then, communication seems to have stopped altogether. I think she may have blocked me on WhatsApp as her ‘last seen’ has disappeared.

I genuinely don’t know if I’ve done something wrong. I’ve tried to be kind and supportive, especially as she has had a difficult time recently. I’m feeling hurt, confused, and worried I may have upset them without realising.

I think it’s also triggered some old feelings from a past friendship where someone withdrew without explanation and ghosted me, so I might be extra sensitive to it. I feel like this is going to keep happening to me and I don’t know why.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you stop your mind jumping to “it must be me” when there’s no clear answer?
And how do I stop ruminating over this, the key through the letterbox feels so final, particularly with no note or explanation. It’s really quite sad.

I discussed this recently with a friend who is ND who was told they overstepped and we talked about mirroring .
So essentially you mirror the time put in ., effort and contact of the other person.
I didnt notice at first that they had replied to say no , then you followed up twice, then asked again.
It sounds like they found this overwhelming .

With mirroring you would ask once ,reply to thank them for clarify, wish them well then STOP until they contact you again.
Its a bit like chess, you wait your turn etc

Hope this is helpful @Lifeinblackandwhite

I think you have been very kind and thoughtful OP.
Bereavement and associated feelings can distort your mind processing ( I talk from experience).
Leave matters lie for now.
Take care OP and don't over analyse the situation

@Jamfirstnotcream

Sorry, just to clarify. They said no at that particular point, but went on to say in the same message that they weren’t saying no indefinitely and it was no way a sign that they didn’t want to help me out anymore. So I assumed with that being said, a few months later it wasn’t unreasonable to ask, with the added note of no pressure, whether she’d be available to help with my cat next month.

Maybe I shouldn’t have done that in hindsight and just waited for her reply.

In the past, I’ve noticed if I don’t message people first, I never get anything from them. So waiting for someone to take their ‘turn’ in the back and forth never happens.

I reread your posts as I found things a bit confusing
So she said no when you asked her at Christmas to look after your cat in April but would be able to in the future?
You sent a couple of messages in between then asked again regarding April?

I think she meant a hard no for April full stop not that you should approach her again?
That she would be able to in the future

I think that is where the problem lies

Not sure what to say regarding the lack of messaging but I would only ever send one message and never 3 without a reply.

I'm not sure I would have asked for another favour when she had said no and there's been no conversation or meet up in between asking for favours

The fact is she is signalling to you she cannot take on any responsibility of any description, feeding your cat or otherwise. Maybe it's her family loss or something else. She's given you back your key as a sign she needs distance.

the best thing to do in a situation like this is to match her response. Back away, don't get involved and give her the space she needs.

dont make it about you, it isn't. We all go through various crises in life, which can happen at any time, we don't get to choose and we just have to go into survival mode. If she needed your involvement or support, she'd probably ask for it, but she doesn't need that. She gets to choose as it's her situation.

Equally if she later decides to establish contact again, you have the right to decide if you want to. No blame, no shame. Hopefully you have other friends in your network.

I disagree with the majority of the posts on here. From what you have specifically written, you haven't done anything wrong.

Being bereaved and grieving has nothing to do with not being able to write a 20 second message in response to someone offering support or politely asking for help themselves. Some people will take any excuse to act in this self'indulgent, antisocial way - it's complete nonsense. Same as those who claim they dont have the "headspace" to reply to friends messages etc when they are "looking after their mental health". It literally takes 20 seconds. They are just attention-seeking in a negative way.

It sounds like you have been kind and offered support - and left it a few months.

I wouldnt bother with this person tbh & wouldnt give any further thought to it.

I agree with you, which is why I believe she's creating distance as she may feel the OP hasnt got the message.

How do you know that she hasn't had another situation not related to the bereavement.

calling someone self-indulgent when you don't know what's happening in their life right now, is quite an assumption.

I wouldn't be happy to 'see again in the future' someone who treated me like thst and you have very low standards if you do.

Nonsense. You’re just not an insecure person who can’t deal with the ordinary complications of human relationships.

Don’t beat yourself up OP. I think the couple of follow ups was the straw that broke the camel’s back tbh. How close a neighbour in terms of distance is she? Is she next door? I would leave it for now just go about your business but if you do see her just be polite and friendly. Grief affects people in different ways there’s those who want interaction and there’s those who just want to be left alone.

I don’t think it is interpreting her literally that is the issue here.

she said no I can’t look after your cat this time but I’m not saying no for the future,

the future is quite vague and unspecific.

you were fine to have asked about cat sitting again. I did not experience bereavement until later in life and I wouldn’t know that it typically takes months to years to get over rather than days to weeks.

however I do suspect that the key return was due to the multiple messages.

i would also not see they key return as ending the friendship and final. She probably feels unable to speak to you and this is her way of communicating. Give it a few months and it may well be things return to some level of normal.

i agree with a previous poster about mirroring. Not so much at a turn level but if someone isn’t engaging with you then either they can’t or don’t want to.

You haven't done anything wrong. Your neighbour friend sounds like hard work.

Like what exactly? Has she had both hands amputated? Lost all fine motor control?

Did you actually go round and visit her, or was it all through messages?

Lots of people say something along the lines of if you need me/anything I’m here. Few folk struggling reach out though. Better to think up something appropriate and do it. If someone near or closer to keep giving. Words don’t really make you or your situation more bearable but thoughtful actions can.

She was bereaved last Autumn and clearly not coping. That’s understandable. It can be like buckaroo to be asked to do something more even feeding a cat when in that bad place so she maybe has perceived your messages as something else that’s a stressor.

Sounds to me like her cup is empty and she just wants to be left alone. Leave it for now.

I'm sorry but this is just enabling nonsense. This sort of tripe gets spread all around the Internet these days and people are starting to believe it. Nothing about being in "survival mode" means you need to be rude to people with good intentions. Nothing. Ghosting someone, not replying for months, has nothing to do with grieving. It's simply people deciding to behave badly because they now have an excuse.

Sorry I am going to disagree with a load of these comments and say this is not a you thing.

It's not pushy to message a friend who is grieving to tell them you are there and give them an opportunity to talk. It's not as though you turned up at the house and made her engage, it was a message she could choose to act on or not. It let her know you were available to her. How many times do people write threads about experiencing a death and then all their friends "disappear"??

I don't even think it is rude to have asked her again about the cats - how are you to know where she is "at" with things unless you gently ask? She is more than able to say no.

Personally I think it's rude to ignore a friend who cares about you - it would literally take a min of her time to respond and tell you she is not up for chat etc but that she will get in touch when she is. To return the key with no note or anything is just weird.

No doubt she will be complaining later that she has no friends left - I wonder why?! 🙄 Grown adults need to use their words and communicate, it's not that hard.

So no, YANBU

As @muddyford has pointed out, it appears as if you've only communicated to your friend through text messages since her bereavement.

Maybe that's why she's distanced herself from you, she may feel like she's not had as much support from you as you think you offered to her, text messaging can be fine for arranging meet ups etc, but you don't mention that you've actually rang her or nipped around to see how she is following the death of her husband.
You did say that she's not one for people turning up unannounced, but a quick drop by with a bunch of flowers or just to give her a hug might've felt more meaningful than messaging her.

If you felt uncomfortable popping round to her house then you could've rang her and asked if she needed anything doing or fetching from the shops for instance. An offer of support and that 'you're here for her anytime' kind of wording is more impersonal, and even though you've felt like you were being supportive, and you were!, it might not have been the actual support she wanted , meaning she may have thought to herself that if the roles were reversed she would've visited or spoken to you if you were suffering a bereavement, and not just sent text messages.

Messaging about the cat was probably the icing on the cake.

I would simply drop her a note, perhaps some flowers, and put pretty much what one of the PPs above stated. I’d simply add that ‘I feel I may have said or done something to upset you. I want to reassure you that this wasn’t my intention and am very sorry to have done so. Please know I am here if you ever need anything’. And then just leave it be.

I think you may have given the impression of being quite selfish, I.e. asking how she was but then moving it back to your cat…

Someone I know cut off a friend because they didn’t bother to attend the funeral of the person they had lost. Could that be the reason, or did you not know the deceased?

Stop beating yourself up op. It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong and you have no idea at this point what her problem is. She is grieving yes, but people are weird and get the hump over all sorts of things. Maybe she just doesn’t want to cat sit any more and doesn’t know how to use words and doesn’t want to have a conversation about it? You may never know. Just chalk it up to ‘nowt as strange as folk’ and move on.

For me bereavement changed everything. Close relationships, friendships, how you feel at work.

Autumn is still very recent, I agree with writing a letter.