AIBU to be upset about silence and no explanation?

[Lifeinblackandwhite]

I’m looking for a bit of perspective on a situation that’s left me feeling quite unsettled.

A friend and neighbour I’ve always been on good terms with (met up for coffee & lunch, exchanged Christmas and birthday cards, went to the cinema together etc) suddenly went very quiet with me, I know she had a recent bereavement and I sent messages of support and to make it clear I’m around if she needed a chat or to get out the house.

We’ve helped each other out in the past with feeding cats and looking after houses when one or the other of us has gone away and had an understanding that we’d support each other out when needed.

Recently I reached out to ask if she was available to feed my cat when I go away next month. She read the message, but didn’t respond.
I sent a couple of follow-ups (probably out of anxiety more than anything and to check she was ok) just to clarify there was no pressure and that I’d always return the favour if she needed me to.

There was still no reply, and then I found the house key I’d given her returned through my door with no note or explanation. Since then, communication seems to have stopped altogether. I think she may have blocked me on WhatsApp as her ‘last seen’ has disappeared.

I genuinely don’t know if I’ve done something wrong. I’ve tried to be kind and supportive, especially as she has had a difficult time recently. I’m feeling hurt, confused, and worried I may have upset them without realising.

I think it’s also triggered some old feelings from a past friendship where someone withdrew without explanation and ghosted me, so I might be extra sensitive to it. I feel like this is going to keep happening to me and I don’t know why.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you stop your mind jumping to “it must be me” when there’s no clear answer?
And how do I stop ruminating over this, the key through the letterbox feels so final, particularly with no note or explanation. It’s really quite sad.

It sounds like the messages you sent her since her v close friend died have all (to a lesser or greater extent) felt to her like you’re asking something of her:

• can you feed my cat at Christmas time whilst freshly bereaved?
• can we meet up?
• can we go for coffee?
• please let me know when you’re free?
• can you feed my cat now it’s spring?

I don’t think you’ve done the above deliberately or selfishly, and you won’t have realised that’s how it’s felt to your neighbour, but I’ve experienced traumatic bereavements and subsequent total hibernation and if an acquaintance of mine had communicated with me like the above in the aftermath I’d have popped their key back through the door to draw a very clear line under things (given they hadn’t picked up on my numerous responses declining said pet-favours / socialising).

I am autistic too and take things very literally. Your neighbour said ‘not now but in the future’ and so you left it a few weeks and asked again. This was probably the mistake as you should have waited longer.
It is sad, I completely understand but I have become very hardened to this sort of thing happening to me now as it’s happened so many times. I really thought I was a terrible person when I was younger but now I have come to expect it from neurotypical people. I have wonderful friends but they are all neurodiverse and we accept and understand each others quirks.
I think writing a short letter to her to say that you’re sorry if you asked for favours too often and return her key (if you have one) and maybe explain that you’re autistic and misread situations sometimes. That you are thinking of her and hope that she would like to resume a friendship in the future but the ball is in her court and you understand if she doesn’t want to.

I thought at first this neighbour had been widowed, but now I see it’s a friend who died. That’s very sad but not on the same scale as losing your life partner. It’s unusual to go into deep mourning and full withdrawal from society for months after losing a friend. I don’t think you did anything wrong by treating her as a normal functioning member of society several months on. I’d just leave it now.

Gently OP, if she wasn't responding to your offers of friendship (coffee, walk etc.) why did you think it was a good idea to ask her (again) for a favour?
I think you've unintentionally irritated her and I do feel for you as the friendship has suddenly shifted, but you maybe could have "read the room" a bit better.
Give it time, things may change and the friendship might circle round again. You both sound like kind people who have had a blip.

I’ve seen a lot of threads on here, including a couple recently (was only reading the cashier/customer friendship post last night!) about people who want to distance themselves from a friend. Maybe she is one of these people and is just finding the friendship a bit exhausting and full on at the moment.
You asked her to look after your cats around Christmas, she says no, you send her multiple (well meaning from your end) messages asking how she is and checking in. She doesn’t reply and yet you message her AGAIN asking her to look after your cats. That was a silly move. I imagine she’s finding you suffocating and just wants out of the friendship.

The bereavement is so recent she is still grieving and might be struggling, have you gone to see her face to face ? Sometimes the tone is lost in messages and things get misunderstood.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so upset about this, I probably would be too.
From what you’ve said, I don’t think you’ve been too pushy and even if you have, a quick reply from her saying she’s just not ready to socialise etc right now is all that was needed. To put the key through your door without any explanation was totally uncalled for. Grieving or not. That’s not an excuse to be rude to people.
I think you either need to leave it, or pop a heartfelt letter through her door apologising if you’ve upset her etc etc.

This has happened to me more than once.
It is very confusing. The reason she is not communicating with you may not have
anything to do with you or anything you have said or done. In the end, unless she tells you, you will never know. All you can do is chalk it up to one of life’s mysteries and carry on with your life.

But I agree it is upsetting. My 2 best friends dumped me when I left exDP. One of them told me why she was dumping me (totally stupid reason - she told me
a massive fib and when I told her that I knew her story was an invention, instead of apologising she told me she was upset that I hadn’t recognized that she was trying to protect me). The other friend just quietly withdrew and seems jealous of me for some bizarre resson. People are incredibly weird. I now realise my 2 former friends are incredibly self-centered and the one who told me that she was dumping me was controlling me.

Can people please stop blaming the OP for the poor behaviour of her "friend".

"Thanks for your support, much appreciated. I'm not feeling up to socialising at the mo but I'll let you know when I'm feeling a bit better".

"I'm really sorry but I'm not able to help you out with your cat at the moment - I'll let you know when I'm back in a position to help".

Each of those took 20 seconds to write, zero thought or "mental energy". Could be sent days or even weeks after receiving a message if the recipient was "too xxx to reply immediately".

Why on earth are there so many people willing to excuse such nonsensical reasons for behaving like this? This "friend" is just a dick who has decided she can get away with being rude and treat people badly because something bad has happened in her own life. It's pathetic.

That would surely depend entirely on the friend's personal situation. She might not have a life partner, her friend might have been someone she has known since childhood and someone she spent significant amount of time with. We can't meassure grief in that way, there isn't a scale where some a worth more than others.

OP, how many unanswered messages have you sent in a row? Maybe she has been feeling suffocated? A lot of people have a need to be left alone when grieving, you obviously couldn't have know if she was one of them or not, but her reluctance to meet up could have given you an indication. You haven't done anything wrong in this, you just haven't understood what her silence meant. She probably now associates you with stress and guilt unfortunately and she is trying to make those feelings go away by cutting you off rather than dealing with them because she is already very low.

Yes, this.

Telling someone you're there for them and to reach out if they need anything is the absolute minimum a friend should do. Seeing as shes a neighbor aswell I'd definitely have dropped home cooked food on her doorstep, knocked on her door with flowers or a bottle of wine, a few times actually showed up. Sending a text saying I'm here for you is bullshit. It puts the onus on someone grieving to make the first move which they may not be capable of.

If you just sent a few texts of support but actually did nothing to help her, then sent her repeated texts asking for HER help, then that'll be why shes had enough of you.

Sometimes OP, you are damned if you do, and damned if you don´t. If you offer help/support you are pushy, if you don´t (to give the person space) you are cold/removed or don´t give a damn.
Don´t feel to bad about it.

If she cant cope with a text, how would she cope with an actual visit invading her sanctuary space?

The point isn't whether the bereaved answered or not, which they may well not. The point is the bereaved can see whos actually taken action and put some effort and love in and actually shown up.
Messages saying I'm here for you are easy to send and mean virtually nothing.

There’s nothing wrong in accepting you’ve read the situation incorrectly this time OP. You can learn from this and forgive yourself.

I’d send a card acknowledging you were insensitive and that you realise on reflection that asking so soon was crass. Send her good wishes and say you’re there when/ if she ever wants to reconnect.

Wow. Extraordinary lack of empathy.

This is such a helpful explanation - thank you!

OP, I really related to your comment about not knowing whether someone is a friend or close friend. I struggle with that too.

There are no words.

Who knows what is going on with said bereaved friend, depression, anything, if you had been in that situation you would realise it does feel like Buckeroo when people are in touch, sometimes when people are going through it, even the minimum social contact is draining.

If you don't receive a reply, there is no need to make it all about you, a caring note saying you are there for the person if they need something is enough. That doesn't insist on a reply.

But that's assuming that's what the person wants. You may find those actions caring, others may find them intrusive. The best course of action is to say you are here for the person, and can help with anything they may need practically too. That's not imposing what you think is helpful when it might not be received that way.

If she wanted to feed your cat she would say so now I would leave it at that and move on

It is simple really

Strong disagree.

' friend, I am popping around with a homemade shepherds pie and a trifle. I'll ring once then leave on your doorstep, no worries at all if youre not up to visitors, I totally understand. Thinking of you and maybe see you in a few hours xxx'

' friend, ive attached a meal voucher for take out to this email. Im in town next week, ill drop by with a slice of cake and hot tea about 4. No worries if youre not in. Thinking about you xxx'

Could leave flowers and a handwritten card of your favorite memory of the person who passed. Could leave a book.

Sending a text saying I'm here for you, lazy and careless in my opinion. Especially where the person lives very close.

Bereavement is a time where you realise which of your friends are really there for you. A text does not cut it. Especially where followed with repeat requests for help.

Again, you presumably would appreciate this. Doesn't follow that everyone else would. Leaving food in presumably your own dishes means the person has to deal with it, they can't just ignore them on the doorstep, it could be a really unwelcome intrusion (never mind they may not like shepherds pie or trifle).