Nursery teacher dating my sons dad

[Dream246]

So it's come to light that my sons dad is in a relationship with his nursery key worker. The nursery are also aware and have said they don't have to do anything about it. My son is with her 5 days a week in close proximity and I feel like they are not listening to my safeguarding concerns and have held back information from me.

Would you move your child?

OP for goodness sake take a breath.

Ask to speak to someone at pickup, or call.

The nursery didn’t force your ex to start dating a worker, and provided there’s no harm coming to the child, it’s not that deep.

I’m assuming he went to a playground or library etc, and not a weapons factory.

Not been the case in any school I've worked in.

This

Its always 'safeguarding concerns'

People use the word to shut people up and take the moral highground. Often they just look stupid.

could your ex have consented, though? I consented to everything my DD does - they don’t ring my husband because he didn’t sign the form off. One parent’s consent seems to be enough.

It sounds like perhaps communications are a bit strained between you, as well, so I’d imagine it’s entirely possible that he’s done that without telling you?

AND is it possible that he’s doing that knowing that it will piss you off, make you complain, and then give the nursery staff the impression that you’re unreasonable? Is he manipulative? Or is he just thoughtless?

You will have given consent at the beginning, it’s a key part of registering a child in a setting. You give them permission to take over caring for your child between the hours of X and Y and that includes overarching consent for the nursery to decide ‘it’s a sunny day let’s walk the babies outside/ let’s take the toddlers to the park’ etc. it’s very unlikely you haven’t already consented to this.

I’m not sure why you would be asking about her in the room or why they said no, she’s his key worker of course she’s going to be largely in his room.

I don’t think anyone is watching you and waiting to kick off, unless you have kicked off?

All you can realistically do is ask for a new key worker, which shouldn’t be an issue, or remove your child from the setting but obviously that comes with its own set of issues with you and your ex.

True, but in every one of those relationships is a woman who surprisingly isn't putting the child first either, and being very unprofessional.

You should have an open and respectful relationship with nursery regarding your son and his progress and should be able to feel you can discuss your sons day without feeling awkward because you’re her boyfriend’s ex.

Completely agree. This is how I would frame it to the nursery Op.

And, whatever the actual regulations, dc are in nursery such a short time. You'd think someone with an interest in children (and a father of a child) would have the decency to just wait till the child moved on to pursue the relationship. I can see why this has distressed you Op.

Well if the woman is not a safeguarding concern when she's not dating your ex, she's not suddenly going to become one because she is. Unless your ex himself is a concern and has form for coercing women into irresponsible or safeguarding worthy behaviour?

If it doesn't breach the policy of the nursery then it's true it's none of their business who their staff or clients date.

I completely understand you not being happy about it in many ways though.

But if the alternative is he has a new gf with no experience with children who you know nothing about then that could be much more of a 'concern' potentially.

Yes, I would find a new nursery.

The relationship isn't a safeguarding issue but if she's taking him off site without your consent that is a serious issue.

This exact thing happened to me and I remember feeling very confused and conflicted by the whole situation. Ultimately, I made the decision to remove my son and place him in another nursery. This wasn't necessarily due to any safeguarding concerns but more as I wanted to delineate between the various settings that he found himself in. Good luck.

I would not like this. Can you pull him out or switch nurseries?

Probably as the child is older so they can understand better, also he's widowed so again a very different situation altogether. A 1/2/3 year old will find this confusing.

So your ex is telling you that he didn't consent to his girlfriend removing your son form the building? Seems odd that he's offering up that information and landing her in it - I don't know, given his evident lack of consideration for anyone but himself, that I'd believe him. Sounds like it's possible he's telling you that to cover his arse and keep you on-side.

I don't see the safeguarding issue and - with love - if your ex and this woman end up in a serious relationship, she will end up living with him and your child will be around her a lot.

It's a bit weird but I'd try and see this as a love grows, not divides situation. There's someone else out there looking out for your child. I'd actually like that someone with a vested interest in my son's wellbeing was around him when neither me or his dad could be. From your child's perspective, the person he sees at home at his dad's being there all day too is a good thing?

Not necessarily. That's like saying if a parent works with their child they will be confused.
Similar happened somewhere I worked but the key worker requested a room change so it wasn't an issue.
You can ask for a new key worker but she's probably avoiding you because you are accusing her of not safeguarding your child. If neither of you feel comfortable then it's either a new key worker or new setting.

The OP cannot simply take the child out of the nursery unless with joint consent of the child's father.

“You should have an open and respectful relationship with nursery regarding your son and his progress and should be able to feel you can discuss your sons day without feeling awkward because you’re her boyfriend’s ex.
Completely agree. This is how I would frame it to the nursery Op.”

Remove the “safeguarding” wording from your communications with the nursery as it’s inappropriate and not applicable.

Request a new key worker in writing.

Talk to DC’s dad and discuss what consent you both have or have not given to Nursery re trips / pick ups / photos etc.

Here we go, another man bashing comment. He’s free to date who he wants as is the mum.

Thank you all so much for your genuine advice, it has all been a bit of minefield. He is a very difficult man who plays a lot of games so sometimes it's easy to catch myself second guessing things.

My absolute main aim is the well being of my child, so I appreciate all of your suggestions. Kicking off is something I would never do ad that would affect my son.

And to those that have made comments like "for goodness sake, take a breath" it must be lovely not to know what it is like to deal with a highly disruptive and manipulative man!

What is wrong with people of all the men in the world? Does that one have a battery powered swirling golden cock that she needs to choose him?

Yes unless it compromises the other parent’s relationship with their joint child’s childcare setting.

That’s not what “unconscious bias” means.

If your child was taken off site without the consent of either you or their other parent then that’s a separate issue to take up with the nursery manager.

Your ex’s personal life is his choice and unless he is putting your child at risk then there’s not a lot you can do about it.

Yes, but she never would and that’s the point

@Dream246 Do you share care with your ex? Mine was 50/50 (court ruled) and it was an absolute nightmare re "equal" say.

People are free to do lots of things that equate to poor parenting.

That's why things are as they are ...