To book an extra holiday cottage without mum’s consent?

[portuguese]

Every year my mum pays for her, dad, my dbro wife and two kids, and me, dh, three kids, to go on a week long UK holiday. All the “kids” are now mid 20s! It’s a great way for people to get to see each other.

We always rent the same house. This year, DD aged 25 asked if she could bring her boyfriend. They’ve been together since they were 19 and live together. My mum said no because that would change the dynamic of the holiday and we’d need to get a different house. We offered to bridge any extra cost. The answer was no and she rebooked holiday house.

DD is annoyed and not sure she will go. I’m tempted to book an extra holiday apartment that’s on the same street as the house for DD and her bf to stay in. DD said she’d be happy to pay. AIBU?

He's her partner. I think he should be included. Yanbu.

Go ahead. Maybe concede and book one quite close?

Based on your mum’s initial response it sounds like this won’t go down particularly well, and you really have to ask yourself if it’s worth doing and the potential fallout for the rest of the holiday. Not that I agree with your mum, but it is what it is. Personally I’d probably instead support DD in not going.

Your mother is lucky you have all gone along with this for so long , she needs to realise things change and people enter relationships and those other people become their family.

Your Mum needs to realise that things change. She can't control that. Does she usually take this matriarch role?

At the same time you can change the dynamic of your relationship with her. You don't need her consent.

You're adults who can have a conversation about how you'll spend your time.

It sounds like your mum doesn't ever want the "grandparents, parents, children" dynamic to ever change, but the fact is, it has. The "children" are young adults with their own lives who no longer want to indulge this, and that's fine. Go ahead and book the separate accommodation, life moves on.

To be fair I completely get your mums POV. Does she know him well?
One of my close relations asked me a Cpl of years ago if she could bring a relatively new boyfriend to Xmas. We were hosting and DH is a relatively quiet man. He didn’t feel comfortable and so the answer was no. I also didn’t like the man. I understand her position.

It sounds like she's struggling with it changing. I'd probably have a conversation with her, that if she wants to continue the tradition, we need a bigger cottage in future, as there's going to be husbands/wives, possibly grandchildren. People are going to want to bring long term partners that they live with. If she's still immovable, then I would tell her I'm booking them a place nearby, and if she gets grumpy then that's for her to work through. Things are going to start changing & she must know it wasn't going to stay just all of you, indefinitely.

Id probably support dd in not going, by not going with her and arranging an alternative nearby for your own family.

I bet you're right it won't go down well.

Question is, are you going to accept her rules or stand up to her?

I think it’s fine to go ahead and book for them.

Then have a gentle conversation with your Mum, that you’re all lucky yours and DBro’s adult DC & are still so keen to join you all, and that you value that and accept the naturally evolving dynamic change that it comes with.
Acknowledge that it will become a different holiday to that she paid for when the DC were all younger so maybe suggest you and Dbro take over the planning/payment from now on.

It’s fair that she feels sad/doesn’t want things to change but the alternative is these young adults start dropping out so of course that will cause a dynamic shift anyway.

"Kids" grow up and have relationships would your mum leave out son in laws ? Rent the extra space granny can't dictate her grandchildrens lives, your Dds boyfriend is part of the family now.

It’s a great chance to get to know her granddaughters partner of 6 years. They live together. The granddaughter is designating him ‘part of the family’. It would be different if she herself felt it was casual or that they do a lot separately…

and what happens when DCs get married or have children, things change, why not book somewhere very close and maybe have the adults in once house and the DC in the other, or look for something similar but bigger

Although I do understand your mums point of view, I think she is being unreasonable. It does change something that has been the same for a very long time and change is unsettling for most people especially as she is presumably getting to be elderly?
However your solution is perfect. Get the little apartment nearby for your Dd.

I think I’d book it but I’d talk to her again and let her know your plans before doing so.
Do the other four adult children have partners they’d like to bring too? Could the decision to bring one partner cause issues in that regard?

I'd just book it. It's not up to your mum who stays in and pays for an entirely different house, and it will be nice for them to be independent.

Your mum arranges and pays for everything?
Then, no, it would be rude for you to go against her wishes and book for your DD to bring her oh.

However, it is not unreasonable for your DD to not attend, or even for you to say you are giving it a miss this year.

Stay in your lane, but exert your own choices.

I mean she has been with him for 6 years and they live together. i am sure granny knows he exists

Good idea op. And it's time to tell your mum clearly that times are changing and she is risking the holiday custom stopping altogether , if she excludes partners.

DD1 has been with someone a few months. We're meeting him at Easter as is MIL. Six years is a long time.

I can see both sides but going every year just because ot os paid for so the payer gets to control the holiday seems controlling

It would be simpler for ypu and your husband book your own accommodation that can take all your family, your mum cant control that

I do get the not inviting partners but she cant keep on controlling everyone forever

Why you all put up with it i dont know

I wouldn't just book it without speaking to your mum again - you're possibly setting up a situation where your DDs partner is unwelcome and will feel awkward. If after discussion with your mum, you don't feel that the situation is resolved, I'd be tempted to decline the invitation and book your own family holiday.

Yes i would probably tell your mum what you are planning, she is being ridiculous.