To book an extra holiday cottage without mum’s consent?

[portuguese]

Every year my mum pays for her, dad, my dbro wife and two kids, and me, dh, three kids, to go on a week long UK holiday. All the “kids” are now mid 20s! It’s a great way for people to get to see each other.

We always rent the same house. This year, DD aged 25 asked if she could bring her boyfriend. They’ve been together since they were 19 and live together. My mum said no because that would change the dynamic of the holiday and we’d need to get a different house. We offered to bridge any extra cost. The answer was no and she rebooked holiday house.

DD is annoyed and not sure she will go. I’m tempted to book an extra holiday apartment that’s on the same street as the house for DD and her bf to stay in. DD said she’d be happy to pay. AIBU?

Point out that the other option is your DD not going on the holiday, so things will change either way?

I think your dd should either just go along with it or make her excuses and say she can't make it this year. Depending on your mother's age you never know which year will be the last trip. Is it really worth falling out over it?

Is it maybe because they are unmarried she is being funny about it ?

It sounds like the logic next step tbh.

So this is you DM and you have a 25 year old daughter. So you are no spring chicken and your mum must be getting on a bit. If thats the case the 'grand children' are adults too and there is a good chance they are going to be producing Great Grand children at some point. Whats your DM going to do then?

I would point out that this is the best way of keeping things going as this younger generation will start going off on their own instead if its such a bind for them to organise. Let them splinter off whilst keeping the group together.

Not a new boyfriend though, they've been together 6yrs and live together, as good as married really. Totally different to a boyfriend of a few months.

Is Granny going to keep him banned if they produce a great grandchild in the next year or two?!

If they’ve been dating for 6 years, has the sister gone without him every year? Has it ever been mentioned that everyone else is taking their partners/spouses and she’s the only one going without her partner?

Doesn’t your dad get a viewpoint? Or is he under her thumb?

Your mum can book and pay for what she wants and so can you, she doesn't have the right to stop your DD and her BF holidaying together.
If she kicks up a stink tell her it's either this or DD doesn't come, she's old enough to know things change, your DD has been with him for 6 years, your mother needs a reality check.

People get limited holidays from work why would your DD spend a week of it without her partner or you spend a week without your DD because your mother is being ridiculous. Families grow it's inevitable. She will ruin the whole thing if she won't change.

I wouldn't book them an apartment - that doesn't address the issue that your mum doesn't want him to come. Instead you can tell your mum your daughter is not coming because her long term boyfriend (who is part of her family, and who may well officially become part of your family one day) is being excluded. That might be enough to change her mind.

Your mum is right, it will change the dynamics. But family dynamics do change as the children grow and forge their own lives and make their own families.

Sounds like your mum is living in the past a little. This was going to happen at some point. I wonder when your mum would have thought it was acceptable? When they were married with kids?

I think your Mum needs to understand that her grandchildren, are adults and no longer children. They all have their own lives, and that means girlfriends/boyfriends too. You need a conversation with your Mum, in a calm manner, and explain that the family dynamics changed once all the 'kids' became adults. Ask her what her plan is going to be when one of her grandchildren marries/moves in with a partner, is she going to insist that person's wife/husband/partner/potential children can't come?? Your daughter is 25, and has been with her boyfriend since the age of 19, they are in a committed long-term relationship. He's not some random bloke!

If your Mum is adamant that the boyfriend can't come, then say to your Mum, that it's unlikely your daughter will come or she'll stay with her boyfriend close by, at her own expense. Your Mum can't control what your daughter chooses to do, because she's an adult!! It seems to me that your Mum is using the fact she's paying for the holiday (which is generous) as a way of controlling her family. Therefore, it stops being 'generous' and starts becoming manipulative.

I’d encourage my dd to do her talking with her feet. Don’t go and I probably wouldn’t either.

this will let your mum know that she can’t dictate people’s holidays and who can go, families evolve, expand and your mum needs to accept that. I’m surprised the grandchildren all on their 20s still want to go.

I would do this and I would sit mum down and explain that just like things changed when you and your brother got partners or when children are born, things will change. But there is a choice - do we want a change where we grow to include people or end up with a smaller and smaller circle. Explain that just like she wants to see her kids, you want to see yours and that means embracing long term partners. Hopefully she will see sense.

This.
There is no obligation for adult grandchildren to continue going on this holiday every year for the rest of their lives just because your parents are paying. It's a lot of commitment when annual leave is limited and especially when great grandchildren come into the picture. If grandma wants her grandchildren to keep coming she needs to adapt and accept that partners are part of the family and that her grandchildren may not want to spend a week of leave without their partners indefinitely.

I would book a property for our whole family rather than just DD &BF. That gives everyone a bit more space and marks the start of a new way of doing this trip.

Your Mum is going to have to get used to other partners coming because everyone's grown up now and if she doesn't then people won't come.

If I were you I'd be booking a place for your part of the family and staying separately. If your Mum's not happy you can always meet up with the rest of the family but also do your own thing.

Are any of the other adult grandchildren in LTRs? If they do perhaps they also resent not being able to bring their partners. Another reason why your DM can’t expect this arrangement to continue indefinitely. Her grandchildren have grown up and she needs to accept that.

I'd be inclined to point out that daughter is probably not going to come this year, as she has limited holiday and doesn't want to spend it away from her partner. And going forwards, you'd like to be able to spend holiday time with your children and their partners (those that have them), so perhaps you'll book something with them instead next year. If you do that, would mum and dad like to come along, or would she like it if you were near her holiday so some time could be spent together, or should you just do your own thing entirely?

Things will have to change at some point - the other kids will get partners, and sooner or later there will probably be another generation to add to the mix. I can get not wanting every latest boy/girlfriend along, but presumably she'll be interested once there are great-grandchildren...

She’s 25 and in a long-term relationship. It would be reasonable for her to break away from the family holiday now, and this gives her the perfect excuse.

You need a sit-down talk with your mum to discuss this. What is her vision for the future of this tradition now that the "children" are no longer children? The same issue is bound to arise very soon with other "children". Or is the problem that she sees DD’s partner as temporary because they’re not married?

She is trying to cling to a idealised past that has gone and won’t come back. In five years' time there could be just your parents and your own generation going on these holidays, as the young adults will naturally want to choose their own ways of spending their free time, or there could be a wonderful four-generational mix of the current three generations plus partners and babies. Which does your mum want?

She needs to decide which is preferable - DD and her partner staying nearby, or DD not coming at all.

DD has been with her partner for six years. They live together.

It feels like there’s a bit missing from the story. Your DD has been with her DP for six years, is this the first year they’ve lived together/she’s wanted to bring him? Are all the other DCs single and if not how do they feel? I personally wouldn’t mind a week away with family and no partner, don’t think I ever took my partner on holiday with family when I was 25. Not saying DD should do that but there are other variations than ‘if I can’t bring him I’m not going’. Is it possible your DM (or others) don’t like him?

I think I’d try to understand your DM’s reasons before deciding whether to book somewhere additional nearby. If it’s about holding onto a dynamic, having your DD and him nearby gives the chance to gently introduce a new dynamic. If it’s that she doesn’t like him, him appearing is a bit unfair on her and is likely to impact everyone’s holiday which just seems a bit unnecessary and shit. If your DD is that miserable without him that she doesn’t want to come, I think I’d still go but use the time to try to discuss things with your mum so this doesn’t arise next year.

Can you speak to your mum about the apartment idea so it's not a surprise, but if she is still against it I would support your daughter in not going. Annual leave is precious and her partner is her family now after 6 years. TBH if I was your daughter I may go for the weekend to catch up with family but not stay after that.

Either way its coming off very controlling from your mum, even it it is generous of her to pay for the yearly holiday.

As someone who met her DH at 19 and married him when I was 25, YANBU. No way would I be using a week's annual leave without being able to take my partner of six years. I'd rather go on holiday just us but my compromise would be the separate accommodation.

I think you need to raise the 2 options of no DD or the separate apartment with your mum before booking.

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. It's very generous of your dm to do this and I can understand her reluctance to embrace change, but if presented to her as either her dg is there with her bf or not at all then she will likely get used to the new arrangement.