To book an extra holiday cottage without mum’s consent?

[portuguese]

Every year my mum pays for her, dad, my dbro wife and two kids, and me, dh, three kids, to go on a week long UK holiday. All the “kids” are now mid 20s! It’s a great way for people to get to see each other.

We always rent the same house. This year, DD aged 25 asked if she could bring her boyfriend. They’ve been together since they were 19 and live together. My mum said no because that would change the dynamic of the holiday and we’d need to get a different house. We offered to bridge any extra cost. The answer was no and she rebooked holiday house.

DD is annoyed and not sure she will go. I’m tempted to book an extra holiday apartment that’s on the same street as the house for DD and her bf to stay in. DD said she’d be happy to pay. AIBU?

What does your mother envisage happening when that generation start having their own children or get married? Although if your daughter's living with her partner surely that counts the same?! When I was 25 I was pregnant and living with my now husband and toddler.

It's lovely that your daughter wants to engage in the big family trip still and I'd lean heavily on this with your mum. So much so that she wants to welcome her boyfriend into it but there's not space at that house for an extra adult so you've found a solution and they'll stay very close by. Approach it as a fait accompli.

Of course it will change the dynamic but the dynamic will and probably has changed over the years as the "children" have grown up.

The most important parts of this situation are:

DD is annoyed and doesn’t think she will go.

DD is happy to book and pay for the separate accommodation.

Your DM has every right to invite and exclude who she wants as the host and she’s paying but that will have consequences as guests make their own decision to attend or not.

Your DM is showing quite toxic and inflexible traits here - especially not working with you on selecting a bigger house and you paying the uplift and going on to book the house without resolution or compromise.

That’s very shabby behaviour IMHO.

It seems there is no room for inclusion and negotiation with your DM - so as a mother I would then ensure to prioritise my own DD and the future of my own family unit and I would not share the main house but would have all my family and DCs in a separate house nearby.

This is likely the father of your grandchildren and the BIL of your own children. This relationship is deep and an important part of the new dynasty you are building - so cherish and support it.

Your DM has had her era in the sun with her family dynasty - which not only is she about to destroy but she is preventing you to have yours.

My cousins (we are all late 50s) are some of my closest life long friends - don’t let your ridiculous DM derail that for all the grandchildren.

What do you want OP? Do you want to use your own A/L for time with your daughter and her partner - or your mum? I’m sympathetic but there comes a time when we need to acknowledge the changing dynamics and stick up for our kids. Your mum may stop offering to pay and that’s fair, you can all chip in if everyone is grown up now. I think It’s lovely that the boyfriend wants to come and spend time with the family, this should be the selling point to your mum. you don’t have to do anything differently, just let him slot in.

Id ask your mother frankly - would she rather the dynamic changed by welcoming new people into the family, or by the grown up kids all gradually dropping out as their wishes aren't accommodated?

Ultimately dynamics change over time. In my early 20s my in-laws used to take DH and I to London for a weekend each year. Very generous as we were skint. Now they take DS away every year, but they don't also expect us to join. We use our AL for a family holiday for just our household.

I think I’d let your mum know that as she’s gone ahead and booked the sand house as usual, the 2 options are that your dd either doesn’t come or she stays nearby with her bf.
Let her decide

I wouldn’t book the apartment. It seems it will cause an atmosphere which feels unfair on everyone.
Just let things run their course, more partners will likely join the family and your Mum will have to decide to include them or to exclude her Grandchildren.

As an aside I’m always amazed that extended families can organise time away together on an annual basis like this. In the past few years I’ve organised two weekends away, one for my side of the family and one for DH’s and it been an absolute nightmare trying to get everyone to commit for 2-3 nights just once. Even when we agreed on a date some people had to leave for an afternoon or morning due to various other commitments.

We can’t make compromises just because someone is likely to have a major strop. That’s the definition of being controlled - worrying about someone’s volatility, capitulating and then living with the unexpressed resentment and contempt is the silent way to erode any relationship.

If someone is of this nature it’s important to be prepared to weather the storm - do what you need to after discussion and hopefully it will blow over.

If there is any chance your DM @portugueseis going to throw shade / be passive aggressive or be anything less that positive, warm, embracing, kind and respectful to your DD and/or her partner - I would ensure that none of you were exposed to that.

You'd be unreasonable to do it without more discussion with your mum first as its their tradition. Tell her your daughter is unlikely to come on her own & it's time to be more flexible. Presumably if they were married, she'd bend?

I would aim for them joining (from that separate accommodation) for a few days, but having some plans elsewhere for the rest of the week.

Visit, see everyone, do something together and leave. They both would be a kind of guests. That way both the meeting and the dynamics will be preserved in a part.

Where did I suggest compromising? There is no compromise that OP or her DD can make as I see. DM doesn't want the accommodation to change, she doesn't want "her" family dynamic to change but if OP books extra accommodation against DMs wishes, it likely won't end well.

It does though, because as soon as people 'offer to pay' for different accommodation to what the grandparents want to book, everything has to change, the new payers then get a say in what they would like, which may or may not be the preference of the other family and the grandparents.. too many cooks etc, it can be a nightmare for multiple people to get 'involved' in organising something like this in fairness, the one they have obviously works very well for them till now.

Plus if she said yes, what next.. the other grandkids will then want to bring their boyfriends/girlfriends (to make it fair), bigger house again, more expense, separate accommodations, all of which is moving away from what the grandparents enjoy (spending time with their immediate family) and happily pay for.. I can see why they have knee jerk said no without thinking it through.

I see both sides, the accommodation as it is works for everyone, apart from OPs DD, who has the option to decline, or book her own separate property if she wants to have a say on who is invited to a holiday she neither organises or pays for, OP has no reason to get involved or try and force change of the main booking, just for one extra person.

Gran needs to accept that things will change as the families grow at some point.

just ask your mum if she would have any issue with DD and boyfriend booking nearby in preference to DD not going

I am in two minds about this.

When my MiL was alive my partner and his brothers would go away with her for a week back to Ireland.

No partners were invited. I was jealous more about the destination but I felt it could be opened up to partners.

I was very upset when the younger generation went as well including my younger son but not my eldest who was a stepson.

But I came to enjoy a week to myself.

If the granddaughter lives with her partner surely she can spare a few days for her family. I bet he doesn’t even want to go.

I appreciate it is complicated because the grandmother has already included her children’s partners, but the with the next generation’s partners it will become too large.

As horrible as this is to say, realistically how long will the holidays last?

You said - "the gran is not saying there's space but he can't come on principle"

She is. The principle is that she wouldn't look at another house because she said he will "change the dynamic". The house is the excuse to exclude him.

My mum said no because that would change the dynamic of the holiday and we’d need to get a different house

@portuguese the dynamic has already changed, you are all growing/have grown up and your mum needs to accept you aren't her little children anymore. Would your dd and her bf still feel left out by being in a separate place to everyone else? If they are happy to have their own space, then fair enough, but what about mealtimes? Is there enough room for them at the booked cottage for them to join everyone else?

Is your mum a bit old fashioned with regards to couples living together before marriage, which is why she doesn't want them or at least the bf staying? I know my own mum, when my now dh was my bf & I were living together, came home to stay for a weekend, and she thought he would sleep alone in the living room and I'd be upstairs in my old bedroom and was a bit funny with us when she saw us in the same bed.

I think for next year you might need to say to your mum if she really doesn't want him there again, that you, dh and your other children will stay elsewhere with your dd and bf as he is part of the family. Your mum needs to understand and that your family has changed, and will change as the other dcs get partners and move on and out with their lives.

Maybe this is the natural end for the family holidays?

I agree with you in principle but how likely is your Mum to actively make the boyfriend unwelcome during get-togethers if this is sprung on her at the time?

I’d be tempted instead to offer the ultimatum in advance, either they both come and stay elsewhere and she welcomes him as a new part of the family for meals and days out etc, or your DD doesn’t come at all.

Depending on the cancellation policy, either book then have a proper conversation with your mum, or the other way round. If you don't resolve it with her it will be a rubbish holiday where there's conflict and the boyfriend feels excluded. But yes she needs to accept that she should welcome him, or face the consequence of seeing less of granddaughter (and possibly the rest of you).

As an aside I’m always amazed that extended families can organise time away together on an annual basis like this. In the past few years I’ve organised two weekends away, one for my side of the family and one for DH’s and it been an absolute nightmare trying to get everyone to commit for 2-3 nights just once. Even when we agreed on a date some people had to leave for an afternoon or morning due to various other commitments.

OMG this! The people calling the gran selfish/controlling have obviously never been in a position of trying to organise a nice holiday for their families which suits everyone.

In my experience, the only way this works is if one person pays/organises and the other people decide to come or not (or book their own add ons which suit them).. people trying to change things to suit themselves on a holiday they don't organise or pay for is precisely what makes it a fucking nightmare.

Your mum’s paying. She sets the terms.

if she’s not happy she may decide to end the yearly trip. If you want to take that risk for the boyfriend then fair enough.

if you enjoy the trip and want it to keep happening you may need to back down.

if your dd doesn’t go this year your mum may change her mind for next? I wouldn’t go over her head though and bring people she’s said she doesn’t want to come.

My mum said no because that would change the dynamic of the holiday and we’d need to get a different house.

It's not an excuse, it may be how she feels, and it's fine for her to be honest about that as the person who pays/organises everything (even if it's unreasonable), but they would need a entirely different property to accommodate just one extra person, that seems to be a fact which is in the OP.

Why should one persons preference mean having to change the whole holiday for everyone else? I can see why they have said no, they don't want to change the main house booking, it must work for everyone else if they've been doing it for years.

The DD should decline, or get the extra apartment, and the gran should be absolutely fine with that.. the gran can't have it both ways. But OP and her DD getting upset because she doesn't want to change the entire location/accommodation is rather entitled IMO.

Your mum is being a massive Twat, however she is paying and it seems unfair and inflammatory to change the dynamic of the holiday without her agreement

personally, I would tell her that you can’t go if he isn’t included and let her choose. You all go (with the apartment) or she starts loosing attendees

I think the whole thing sounds a bit suffocating and intense. If I was expected to use up a week of my annual leave on holiday with my entire extended family in the same bloody holiday cottage ever year in the same place, I'd go insane - with or without my partner, frankly, but especially if I wasn't 'allowed' to bring someone I'd been with for six years and bloody lived with.

The fact that you're worrying about whether you need your mother's permission to book a holiday apartment for your daughter is bonkers. You're all grown adults. Why is your mum controlling everything? Why do you need her consent to book and pay for a holiday apartment? This is madness.

Encourage your adult daughter to be independent and go on her own holidays! I can't imagine this one would be any kind of fun for her boyfriend. This every single year thing with your entire family sounds hellish and incredibly old fashioned. Your Mum is being a dictator, why do you all comply with it?

Yes, just book another unit in the same road as the regular holiday let.
Explain to DM that you want your DD there with everyone and she wants her lovely family to get to know her boyfriend.
Out of respect and not wanting your mother to be uncomfortable you booked another smallerunit for DD.
Granny will get used to the fact before holiday time.