To book an extra holiday cottage without mum’s consent?

[portuguese]

Every year my mum pays for her, dad, my dbro wife and two kids, and me, dh, three kids, to go on a week long UK holiday. All the “kids” are now mid 20s! It’s a great way for people to get to see each other.

We always rent the same house. This year, DD aged 25 asked if she could bring her boyfriend. They’ve been together since they were 19 and live together. My mum said no because that would change the dynamic of the holiday and we’d need to get a different house. We offered to bridge any extra cost. The answer was no and she rebooked holiday house.

DD is annoyed and not sure she will go. I’m tempted to book an extra holiday apartment that’s on the same street as the house for DD and her bf to stay in. DD said she’d be happy to pay. AIBU?

seriously, there’s a recent partner who you don’t like, and there’s your daughter/ granddaughters long term boyfriend of 6 years who she lives with. Thats even if you don’t like them you shut up and welcome them with open arms territory.
I’d say to my mum in your shoes ‘’Mum im tossing up two options, either dd doesn’t come or i rent a place a few minutes away for dd and john. We are past the stage where dd will dump her long term partner and come, and heading to the stage where I book somewhere else for dh and I with the kids and their partners, since they aren’t welcome at yours. I can’t promise to go with your vote as I need to talk to dd but if you get a vote which of those two options would you prefer?’

'Okay mum, I understand. We'll just go on our own family holiday instead then as DD wants to spend her holidays with her partner. Enjoy your time together. '

You've suggested reasonable options to accommodate your evolving family, you're mum doesn't want things to change. Things change whether we like them or not.

Your mum is so lucky to be surrounded by such a large and loving family but if she cannot accept an established relationship your dd has every right to break away from this family tradition. Must be hurtful for her partner to see so many people welcome while he is excluded. I would be standing by my partner in this instance

My boyfriend’s family have been amazing and always invited me since we first met, we were 18 and had only been together a few months when I got invited on a family trip with them. I’ve been invited on extended family trips too, and everyone is really welcoming. Same with Xmas etc.

my family rarely get together as there’s over 30 of us (immediate family to my grandparents if that makes sense). But we have an event coming up in a couple of weeks where he’s been invited. I did have a relative invite only me a wedding without him recently and everyone was disgusted with her.

I think your mum is being unreasonable and I don’t understand these “head of the family” figures who insist on things being done their way.

However, I’m not sure what the point would be of them coming along and staying somewhere else. It sounds like that wouldn’t be received well, and while that is unreasonable of your mum, is your DD actually going to enjoy this holiday in this situation?

I wouldn't do it without telling her.

I would not necessarily interpret her reluctance as her not understanding that her grandchildren are grown up and have partners (or her disapproving of unmarried partners coming) but perhaps as her wanting to spend her holiday relaxing with people she knows and trusts ... and perhaps a sentimental attachment to traditions and memories that belong in the past.

I'd use her comment about "having to get another house" to propose a concrete, costed plan where either YOU rent an additional house, or you pitch in, perhaps along with your bro, on a bigger house for everyone. Tell her your daughter wants to holiday with the family AND her partner and can't feasibly do two separate trips, and you expect some of the other children may soon be in similar positions. Treat her with respect. Don't assume how she will react. And if you still can't get her agreement, then perhaps this is the year to holiday separately.

But going along with the holiday she planned and is paying for and then blindsiding her with changes you've made behind her back that she's now stuck with, when you knew she wasn't comfortable with them, would be mean in general, and a poor way to repay her generosity over all these years.

I don't think you can book an extra apartment because you'll be bulldozing as much as her.

You can absolutely go back to your mum and say DD isn't going because her boyfriend can't come, so you and your family are going to holiday elsewhere.

Ideally that conversation would have happened before she just went ahead and rebooked but you are where you are now.

You also have to think how awkward and shit it will be, particularly for poor boyfriend, if you just book another apartment.

I'd just decline the invitation or go and decline next year's, depending on what you actually discussed and how fast mum booked it.

As a mother of adults, I can’t imagine not including partners. So what if you rent a different house? Do you have to holiday in exactly the same place to enjoy yourself? If it were my mum, I’d tell her to loosen up-or either not have the youngsters attend or if they did, they’d be full of resentment. Holiday time is precious when you’re young-why would you holiday with granny if she bans your boyfriend?

It's a week long holiday though, the daughter is 25 and has been with this man for 6 years and lives with him. You may get the mothers POV however these adult children will stop wanting to come if their partners can't accompany them, it's a week out of their annual leave after all where their OH isn't allowed participate in 💁

Maybe they enjoy it and don’t just go along with it. We do the same thing and our adult kids love spending time with their siblings. You don’t have to jettison your birth family when you start one of your own.

ETA I’d book that accommodation @portuguese. It’s a good compromise.

YANBU, what’s your mum going to do if the DC get married, have children etc?

I would take same position as you - treat DD’s boyfriend as part of the family. I have an adult DC (student) and always give the option to invite his girlfriend. Yes it changes the dynamic (not in a bad way, just different), and also costs more, but it’s just how families change over time and frankly I’m delighted he still wants to come on holiday with us so it’s worth it!

Your mother is being bloody ridiculous. She can't expect all the adult children to spend a week of their annual leave without their partners. This problem is going to increase as all their lives change. The whole thing needs a good shake up.

Your mother is being unreasonable. Kids grow up and families grow. If she continues like this, her granddaughter won't participate in these trips at all, especially as she is using her annual leave. I'm sure she'd prefer to use that time for a holiday with her partner than spend it with her grandmother!

Pay for the cottage. And, if I were you, be prepared to pay for your own share, too. And possible, be prepared not to go at all. Some people think if they are paying, they get to control everything....

I don't think you can really invite someone on somebody else's holiday without their consent. I mean, suppose your neighbour or friend or whoever wanted to go on your planned holiday with you. You say no. They are then perfectly entitled to book the holiday cottage next door, or a room in the same hotel - but it would be weird, creepy and rude, right?

Mum is effectively hosting. When you're hosting (Christmas at your house or whatever), you get to decide who you invite. In this case, she does.

Of course the family grows with in-laws but they don’t all have to turn up for a few days in a year.

there are 2 types of people those who make room and those who shut doors.

Id have said yes to kids partners - but we welcome new members of our family however short lived.

Absolutely agree , maybe they do but life and other relationships matter too and its nice to include partners in the family and not make them feel like they are secondary.

If your DD doesnt want to join the family holiday without her long term partner and your DM doesnt want your dd Partner to come, your DD has some choices.

1. Decide to go without her long term partner .
2. Decide not to go and explain she doesnt want to go without her partner.
3. Decide to book alternative/close accomodation,but bear in mind its clear you DM thinks the partners presence will change the dynamics of a family trip and this infers she would be unhappy about that.

I think your DM is being unreasonable given the length of your DD realtionship with her partner but others may think a week away with your family without her partner is ok.Its a personal thing. I would discuss with your mum again,saying DD doesnt want to join the family trip without her long term partner. So, we can either have the trip without DD or i can book accommodation for them separately but close,what do you think? Then you preempt any discomfort for your DD,her partner,your DM and anyone else.

Have I seen a similar question before?

There's nothing to say that they don't welcome them the rest of the time, the grandparents already pay for 11 people to go on this one holiday, if you allow grandchildren's (not children's) partners that's potentially another 5 people.

That's a hell of a holiday accommodation to try and find that is suitable for everyone, it WILL change the dynamic, and not to mention expensive to boot, you can't really call the grandparents selfish for not wanting to change the good thing that they've got going.

You have to draw a line somewhere. It seems unreasonable on the surface to not invite the grand-daughter's partner who she lives with, but they have no extra space in the house they are in so would have to find a completely different accommodation, potentially in a different place which will be more expensive, just for one person, and the end result is it may cause friction with the other children who aren't allowed to bring their partners.

Why do you have to get involved at all OP?

Your daughter's old enough to deal with Gran herself. Stay out of it because either way you'll be the bad guy.

”lucky they’ve gone along with it”?

she’s organised, booked and paid for a holiday where they can all get together.

it’s not luck, it’s generosity.

the recipients are the lucky ones in getting a free yearly family holiday.

don’t want a free holiday? Don’t like who is going or who isn’t? Don’t go.

Dh’s family do this. I can’t think of anything worse, so I don’t go. Easy.

if the dd doesn’t like the offer, she should politely refuse. In mn words, it’s an invitation, not a summons.

maybe the mum feels if one partner comes she can’t refuse others. Maybe she can’t afford a bigger place, or feels she can’t afford to include partners in costs of meals. It might turn an affordable family trip into one where people start counting contributions and some people pay, some don’t.

personally I don’t think partners have to be included in everything. It won’t kill anyone to have a week apart- they can go on a couples holiday at a different time.

maybe mum will have to change her terms if she wants to continue. But you can’t just include someone when they’re not invited.

I did a holiday each year without my (now) husband in my early twenties, but no way could it have been accommodated forever.

It's hard for the older generation to detach, but she's not handling it with grace.

Christmas just gone, we had spent the last two with alternate parents. This year we spent the day with friends who also have a 2yo. MIL said that she'd have had us if she'd known my parents weren't having their turn, but we're not toys to be passed around!

Your mum needs to embrace change if she doesn't want people making choices that don't include her at all.

This is tough. I'm trying to think about the boyf position in all this. I wouldn't want to go knowing what had happened to be honest. As for the mother, what she has said will have repercussions for years to come with grandchildren, I'll be honest. This man isn't just a boyfriend he is a long term, 6 year relationship. Unless there is something about him OP isn't telling us, or maybe OP doesn't know, he may well be around for the long haul, and refusing for him to come has basically set a land mine that will go off one day, hopefully not around future grandchildren or difficult choices will have to be made. I think that was unnecessary.