To book an extra holiday cottage without mum’s consent?

[portuguese]

Every year my mum pays for her, dad, my dbro wife and two kids, and me, dh, three kids, to go on a week long UK holiday. All the “kids” are now mid 20s! It’s a great way for people to get to see each other.

We always rent the same house. This year, DD aged 25 asked if she could bring her boyfriend. They’ve been together since they were 19 and live together. My mum said no because that would change the dynamic of the holiday and we’d need to get a different house. We offered to bridge any extra cost. The answer was no and she rebooked holiday house.

DD is annoyed and not sure she will go. I’m tempted to book an extra holiday apartment that’s on the same street as the house for DD and her bf to stay in. DD said she’d be happy to pay. AIBU?

Many young people of 16+ would not want to go on holiday wtth their parents and grandparents. I know I didnt. I no longer wanted to go to a caravan in Wales when I began work so I told my parents I could not get the annual leave and stayed behind at home. Wonderful week even though my mother did ask the neighbour to "keep an eye "on me. Your mum must learn that relationships change as kids get older and so the dynamic is inevitably going to change. I would go ahead and book the extra house.

That’s such a shame-we do the same each year and my mum positively encourages any grandchild’s new partner coming; it’s a perfect way to get to know them.

I would tell your mum that your daughter wants her partner to come on her holiday too, so the choice is he comes or she doesn’t. Put it in your mum’s corner-which would she prefer?

So she’d really rather have the holiday without seeing her granddaughter than make an obviously sensible adjustment to include the granddaughter’s partner of 6 years ? People never cease to amaze me.

I’m sure she had her reasons. It’s something she is arranging. She has the right to do it the way she wants. Likewise, if her invitees aren’t happy they have the option to say no thank you.

I really don't 'get' your Mum's stance on this tbh. I would be more than happy with my Grandaughter's boyfriend joining us. For the time they are together he's part of the family

Will it change the dynamic? Well, yes, it will a bit. But that’s what happens in life. People change and lives change. People come in and out. Your mum is lucky it’s gone on for so many years. She needs to be a bit flexible now or she will lose people from the holiday. It will change from being something fun, to a tedious and restrictive obligation.

I don't understand. Are you saying that you have offered to,pay for your daughter and her boyfriend to stay separately from you? Surely you don't need your mother's permission to do that?

I’d go back to your Mum and say there is a choice. Either your DD and her partner join the event and stay nearby or the event stays as it is but your daughter will not want to come. Explain you cannot force a 25 year old adult to attend and your view is that it would be nice to include the partner as he seems to be a permanent feature in your family and it would give everyone a chance to get to know him and still all see each other.
Granny needs to move with the times I’m afraid.

Dynamics do change when DC get partners, like they did when us as DC did. New members of the family to welcome and get to know.

Absolutely fine to do this, unless they would prefer to just go on a holiday on their own.

I would definitely support your DD in not coming and be very factual with your mum about why - and point out that this issue isn't going away.

I would probably not book a separate place unless both your DD and her boyfriend are enthusiastic about that plan with the knowledge that it will likely create uncomfortable tension at the least and open conflict at the worst. It wouldn't surprise me if one or both would rather not go than go and have the holiday become about this standoff and an angry grandma. I know I wouldn't appreciate my in-laws (or my own family) sticking me in the middle of a family conflict without my go-ahead.

If she doesn’t want to go without the boyfriend then that should be discussed with your DM but your DD is old engine to have that conversation directly, which would be preferable. As you said they are young adults now not DC.

If DD doesn’t go after that, so bit it, but it wouldn’t be right for you to book the other accommodation without another conversation - or worth the fall out.

This.

I hope you all have a lovely time!

A nasty little phrase used by controlling people, who get all they deserve when people stop dancing to that tune.

How long does she expect all the usual attendees to keep prioritising attendance?

We skipped the paid for holiday from ILs when my son was little, because my MIL actually locked us out of the house they paid for so we were forced to come and join them on a night out when I had a migraine and we'd had a quiet dinner to ourselves for ONE night out of two weeks. I simply didn't want to be expected to be grateful for a holiday I didn't ask for being controlled by someone who didn't realise that our primary family now didn't include her.

(Both sets of parents a bit of a nightmare in that regard before someone calls this a MIL issue.)

So you've had 160+ replies to your question @portuguese. Are you going to come back to the thread?

Just the words you choose to use in your thread title tell me all I need to know - “…without Mum’s consent” - how much control does this woman exert on you all - why would anyone need ‘consent’ from anyone about where they rent a holiday apartment that they pay for themselves? Surely she isn’t some sort of feudal landlord who has power over a holiday resort?

The thing is, the dynamic has changed and must change. The “grandchildren” are now adults and at least one of them now has an established partner. There could be great grandchildren along (not necessarily from this dd!) in a few years. Things change. This should be welcome - healthy people enjoy seeing their children and GC grow up and become their own people, and seeing them form happy relationships.

Rather than just going ahead and booking, I would give your Mum the choice (nicely!) - either you can book the additional accommodation for dd and partner or she won’t come. Doesn’t need to be a confrontation just a choice.

YANBU but I’d speak to your mum first and just say you’ll book alternative accommodation nearby or DD won’t go. Purely because this is likely to blow up and you don’t want that kind of tension brought to a family holiday. So best she’s not surprised by the arrangements. Put your foot down for next year and tell your mum not to book that house as its no longer suitable as it no longer meets the changing needs of the family.

It's really tricky but I wouldn't book it, no matter how unreasonable you think your mum is being.

It will make things super awkward, and despite this latest fall out, you've benefitted from her generosity thus far. It seems a bit churlish to make such a big awkward gesture right in the midst.

If you do, I suspect this will just be the last holiday of this kind that ever gets paid for.

I get the "changing dynamic" thing, but by forcing this, its infringing on boundaries. If dd doesnt want to go without him, then of course that's also understandable. If you all dont want to go without her, that is also understandable. But to gatecrash on a party you're not invited to is really bad form and might have wider consequences.

Surely booking alternative accommodation won't even help though as OP's mum objects to someone else even being around and changing the dynamic of the holiday. So even if they sleep elsewhere, unless DD and BF don't actually take part in any of the group activities and don't visit the communal house - which would effectively make their attendance pointless anyway - then it doesn't really solve the issue.

That wouldn't be enjoyable for anyone.

I'd talk to your mum and explain that this yearly tradition will change in ome of two ways. Either it includes new members of the family. Including partners and children or it includes fewer people each year as they gain partners and children until it stops all together. That's up to her.

Yes this.

I think that's a terrible idea.
Personally I'd be hugely grateful that my 20something daughter wants to come on a family holiday and do anything to facilitate that.
You absolutely DON'T want to give her the message that her partner isn't welcome - cos she'll never come again!

Yes, this was what I said (and was shouted down). The house not fitting him in is the excuse, not the reason, she has said he can't come.

Your mum is unreasonable I understand your daughter being unhappy about this she has a partner who she wants with her.. tell your mum your booking another holiday cottage for them or she won't want to come anymore.. things change she is lucky you have all gone for this long.

Your mum has to accept that the young ones are grown up, will have their own relationships and really is lucky that kids that age still want to go on family holidays. Many don't. Assume at that age they have other commitments, their holiday time is precious too. Would she prefer they drop out, or compromise? It's a bit controlling thb. What if they were married?