To book an extra holiday cottage without mum’s consent?

[portuguese]

Every year my mum pays for her, dad, my dbro wife and two kids, and me, dh, three kids, to go on a week long UK holiday. All the “kids” are now mid 20s! It’s a great way for people to get to see each other.

We always rent the same house. This year, DD aged 25 asked if she could bring her boyfriend. They’ve been together since they were 19 and live together. My mum said no because that would change the dynamic of the holiday and we’d need to get a different house. We offered to bridge any extra cost. The answer was no and she rebooked holiday house.

DD is annoyed and not sure she will go. I’m tempted to book an extra holiday apartment that’s on the same street as the house for DD and her bf to stay in. DD said she’d be happy to pay. AIBU?

I can guarantee that your daughters partner doesnt actually want to go.

But your daughter wants him to go, so he's going along with it.

Would your DB be up for speaking to your mother together? It sounds as if the same situation is likely to crop up with his DC soon.

I don't think I would do it in your mother's back though. She needs to accept that the "kids" are adults, and they want to have a say as to how they spend their holidays.

So there are 2 options:

1. you daughter doesn't want to come and she passes this year.
2. she rents a separate flat with her bf.

Let your mum and your daughter have their say, it's less likely to lead to tensions during the holiday.

The dynamic of the holiday is changing because your children are now adults.

Presumably they now have to take time off work to go on holiday?

It's ridiculous to expect your daughter to go on holiday without her long term partner

I wouldn't make a big deal of it. Your dd and bf can have their own holiday rather than on the same street as you, your mum and cousins. They are grown ups. You can just tell your mum "they decided to go to Spain/Italy/France, as they wanted to go together". In a year or two the other grown up children will fly and your mum, of her own volition, will rethink arrangements. Hopefully to imvolve a little cottage complex where your mum can stay with you and your dbro and partners and children can book, with their partners, other cottages.

If they've been together for six years has "granny" not met him at other family events - birthdays, Christmas, etc. which sounds really strange?

I don't think you should book it at all, or even get involved, as you are going to create some bad feeling if you are not careful, the messenger always gets shot in these situations.

I'm surprised your daughter has gone to this holiday without her partner, who she lives with, for so long to be honest, if he logistically can't attend then I can't see the issue with HER booking and paying for an alternative accommodation for her and her partner and telling her grandmother their plans, she's an adult and needs to be making decisions for herself and her family now.

She either does that or she declines to come (demanding he be included when it changes the logistics completely is not reasonable). As the families grow then bigger / separate accommodation is going to be needed anyway, it's really lovely that your parents do this for everyone, but it just won't be practical forever and they do need to accept that it may have to change to keep everyone going away together.

In fairness though, I suspect once people start having to pay for their own accommodation, they won't bother going anymore.. which is obviously what your parents are worried about.

Wow, your mum sounds totally unreasonable. Your DD has been with her partner 6yrs and hes not invited?! Thats downright rude. If i was yr DD i wouldnt be going.

I've said you're BU because your daughter is an adult and should speak to your mum herself, and book separate accommodation herself, if she wants to. It's not for you to pussyfoot around everyone, book things secretly, and probably get the blame for it too. Yes it changes the dynamic having a partner there, but the dynamic has already changed. Your daughter is a full person in her own right now, not just a grandchild.
Your mum needs to adapt or none of the grandkids will go at all.

I think older generations who are retired, or don't work, or work part time, forget how precious annual leave is for young people who are working full time. OP's mum needs to accept that her GD is an adult who is allowed to choose who she spends her leave with - potentially a quarter of all her leave for one year. Although the mum is generous to pay for the holiday, she's very lucky everyone goes along with it each year. At some point, annual leave becomes more valuable than the cost of the holiday itself. As others have said, once there are spouses and a new generation of children, the idea of holidaying separately looks ridiculous - and at 25 the GD is old enough to make this decision. Book the apartment and let the GM see that things will be changing, and she can either roll with it or throw her toys out of the pram.

YNBU OP, is your mum always this controlling?
I'd book that apartment for your DD and her DP.

Going against the grain, I enjoyed holidays away with family or friends at various points in my life whilst in a ltr, sans partner. Most people I know have holidays without their partners as well as family holidays. You live with that person, you see them all the time, a break can be good.
My mum died recently and I have so many lovely holiday memories, some just the 2 of us. I can barely remember my boyfriends from my 20's.

Having holidays without partners/kids is fine, however this is a family holiday and the op daughter would like her partner to be part of that, gran is purposely excluding him.

Your Mum can’t commandeer people’s holiday weeks for the price of a share in a holiday house. Time is short and precious and working adults preferences change.

In our family partners are absorbed and embraced. Your Mum is bring controlling. If she can’t cope with ‘the family holiday’ evolving the family holiday will crumble.

Unfortunately the crumble has started now. If you book the apartment your Mum will still say the dynamic’ has changed (yes! You can’t pretend your adult grandchildren are single!), she will be annoyed with you, the partner will feel awkward etc.

Or the alternative is that your Dd ducks out and does her own thing from now on.

If she comes this year she will have resentment .

I would have a direct conversation with your Mum and say the Gc are growing up, we all need to recognise it, and it doesn’t mean our family bonds are weaker, it makes them stronger . And if she continues not to want partners included the family will more likely drift apart.

So your mum was happy to include your husband as part of the family many years ago but the next generation isn't allowed to bring their partners into the family. Might be an angle to approach it from...that your husband was once an "outsider" but she accepted him.

Surely if you book additional accommodation for DD and her boyfriend this is going to go down very badly with your mum and create a horrible atmosphere? Probably it's time to stop going if your mum isn't going to include new family members. It's horrible of your mum though!

' Mum, dd and her bf are staying in an apartment in xyz street. I am sure they will be happy / willing to join us for xyz dinner / xyz activity. I am very happy that dd and her bf are happy and willing to use a week ( or whatever ) of their annual leave to be with us all in wherever ( name of location ) it is '

It's not really as simple as that though really IMO, the gran is not saying there's space but he can't come on principle, she's saying the large house they pay for will no longer work because it is at capacity (and no doubt pay a lot more for different, larger accommodation) just to include one extra person, so the answer is no, they aren't prepared to do that.

They should however be prepared to accept the fact that their granddaughter may not want to come anymore without her long term partner, OR be happy that granddaughter still wants to come but is prepared to pay for their own accommodation on the same street.

We've always done this in our family in various ways, it's so nice getting everyone together, but to be honest, unless you have a VERY laid back family, the ONLY way to organise this type of holiday is to book it, pay for it all, and tell people what is happening, then they either choose to come or not.. letting 5-6 adults have "input" in to what they want the holiday to be means it will never be 'right' for everyone and, trust me, is a fucking nightmare to try and organise, some years we've not bothered because separate people can't agree on things.

The only times it has fully worked is where the matriarch has paid and organised a large enough accommodation and people show up as and when they like, but it is annoying/entitled when people start demanding changes to a holiday they don't even pay towards or help organise in any way.

Gran is going to have to be more flexible as the family grows, but maybe she's not prepared to do all that just for one extra person at the moment.

Seems like a perfect compromise. Everyone should be happy with this. I hope it works out and you continue to have this tradition with more and more people as families grow. Hopefully everyone will approach this with enthusiasm and not with chips on their shoulders that can sour things. I’d love to have this with my family.

Not being unreasonable at all - and you probably need to say to your DM if partner isn't included going forward, it will inevitably make DD and possibly you reconsider whether you attend in the future. Up to her if she then wants to die on that hill...

1. Six years isn’t just a blow in. Your mother is being ridiculous and should be told to grow up.
2. Err, assuming she is fond of and pleased to have grandchildren, how does she expect to have great grandchildren? The stork?
3. Assuming she is fond of her granddaughter, she should show said granddaughter some respect and acknowledge that she has grown up and (one hopes) found a nice man.
4. If I were you, I would be kicking up a very loud stink in support of my daughter.

Your mum is a control freak. She can't control her 25 year old adult granddaughter FFS.

The fact that you have to have her "consent" just to book another cottage says that she has too much power and control over the family.

I think if you go ahead an book the accommodation, your DM will have a major strop. She has already said no because it'll "change the dynamic". Unfortunately, some people are incapable of moving on with the fact that children grow into adults and expect things to remain unchanged as always.
I'm surprised that in a serious relationship that has been going on for 6 years that your DD is still coming. Your DM's intransigence is going to end up wrecking the family tradition one way or another, she cannot expect the now adult children to fall in line every time. Personally, I would have stopped doing this a long time ago.

Your first point doesn't apply because the OP offered to pay the difference for a bigger house and her mum said no. This was before it was even booked.

He will be the first of many boyfriends/ girlfriends/ husbands/ wives. Generations succeed one another and your mother needs to let the group expand.