To book an extra holiday cottage without mum’s consent?

[portuguese]

Every year my mum pays for her, dad, my dbro wife and two kids, and me, dh, three kids, to go on a week long UK holiday. All the “kids” are now mid 20s! It’s a great way for people to get to see each other.

We always rent the same house. This year, DD aged 25 asked if she could bring her boyfriend. They’ve been together since they were 19 and live together. My mum said no because that would change the dynamic of the holiday and we’d need to get a different house. We offered to bridge any extra cost. The answer was no and she rebooked holiday house.

DD is annoyed and not sure she will go. I’m tempted to book an extra holiday apartment that’s on the same street as the house for DD and her bf to stay in. DD said she’d be happy to pay. AIBU?

Yes, I wouldn't want to go either. People do remember this stuff. I remember going to my BiL's graduation and being left out of any group photos (not official ones - just digital camera candid ones). Get on well with in-laws now 20 years later but I haven't forgotten.

I think your mum is being quite short-sighted tbh, with all the kids now in their mid-20s there is no way this holiday can continue to be sustainable exactly as it is - of course some of them will have partners they want to bring!

I think being together for 6 years and living together should warrant an invite tbh, and it's rude of your mum to say that he can't attend. Surely she has meet him quite a few times over those years?

Does she know DD may not come if bf is not allowed too?

She’s been with him 6 years! Regardless of whether the grandparents know him well, they could get married / have kids soon and it wouldn’t be a shock. Same for any of the grandchildren. Are they to continue to attend but leave their own families behind?

No don’t do that that would be rude. Your mum already said how she feels on this topic.

Your DD is an adult. She can choose to go on holiday like normal, not go or otherwise go on holiday that week elsewhere with her partner. She’s been invited it’s her choice.

But don’t get involved or book anything else it will go horribly wrong.

has there never been a year when someone hasn’t gone?

I assume you all like this but it sounds hellish to me, I’m nc with my extended family due to huge fall outs so I just can’t imagine it.

When I was 25 I was married with 2 DC. If one of your DD's generation got married and had DC, would the DH and DC be excluded?

"My mum said no because that would change the dynamic of the holiday and we’d need to get a different house. We offered to bridge any extra cost. The answer was no and she rebooked holiday house."

The dynamic has subtly changed every year, as her grandchildren moved from childhood to adulthood.

I'd be blunt with her - 'they dynamic will change this year regardless of what you want. Your choice is; does it change by addition, or subtraction? Do we add DD's partner of 6 years, or does DD use her limited and therefore precious holiday allowance to spend with her partner away from us?'

She's being selfish here, and actually a bit stupid - driving away her granddaughter. Her other grandchildren will watch and learn, peeling off in future years in exactly the same way.

Things change. This situation was bound to happen at some point. Time to ring the changes. Start with booking that extra house. With all the kids growing up your mother will have to accept that it can't all be on her terms. Sounds like she has had things her own way for years and has been fortunate with her family.

Very good point - how will he feel about being unwelcome?

I think your mum is being mean. Have you asked her why she has an issue with this?

They have been together 6 years she cannot have it all her own way and I think she is being unfair by saying no. All she will succeed in doing is alienating the grand daughter. She has had her own way for years. Times change.

Growing up our big family holiday was always at a complex that had a bunch of tiny cottages. The extended family would reserve all of them. Who stayed in which cottage varied over the 60 years that this tradition remained alive. This really helped with the changing family dynamics.

New couples would break off into their own places or possibly share with another young couple. Older, empty nesters would get moved to the studio style units and not have serious cooking or hosting responsibilities anymore.

without that flexibility, there is no way it would have lasted so long.

Tell your mother she has a choice. The granddaughter comes and stays at the apartment, or she doesn’t come at all. It is understandable that having everyone under one roof might be difficult, but nearby places are an excellent compromise as the family grows.

I can’t imagine treating my grand daughter like this.

No wonder your DD is angry.

The changing the dynamic comment is cruel and revealing.

I wouldn’t be complicit in your DMs nonsense. You have tried to offer lots of compromises and she is ignoring you.

Prioritise your own values of openness, warmth and rent a property nearby to accommodate all of your DCs - they are your priority - not facilitating the nastiness of your DM - I imagine she would snub your DD and her boyfriend if they rented the flat - don’t expose your DD to that - back her and role model healthy family dynamics not tip-toeing around the contrary one

Just tell your mother that the choice is for you to book the other house or your daughter to not attend and then she can choose which she prefers . It is utterly ridiculous that a 25 yo who is living with a partner would be expected to holiday without that partner in order not to upset their granny .

Two things though, obviously DD should be able to spend time with her family without her BF tagging along….it’s important she does her own thing. However granny does have to understand things change and either the holiday adapts to that or the DC may well start to drift off. I would leave DD to decide what to do. Just support her decision

Just do it. Tell your mother he's her granddaughters partner and ask if they'd been married, would he have been excluded?

Id go down the route of dd not going so that next year your mum realizes she has to include dd partner of some time to have dd s company

Yes but a whole week is asking too much really, he's not just her B/F, he's her partner of 6 years who she lives with

By paying for the holiday perhaps your mum thinks she sets the rules.
As others have said families change ppl come and go, the reality is your DD could be married to this partner and she might see that as more stable but 6 years and living together doesn't get much more stable than that. Your mum needs to adapt or fear missing out on the next generation as DD partner could hold a grudge.
Additionally ppl don't get much annual leave so to expect someone to sacrifice a week without their partner if they don't want to is unreasonable.

Mean? She’s organising and paying for the whole thing!

if I were her and someone I’d invited brought someone along I didn’t invite, and had even said I wanted it to be just immediate family, no partners, then that would be the last time I organised and paid for it.

if o/p and her dd want to change who comes, they can organise an pay for it, and mum can benefit from the free holiday instead. O/p has to decide whether bringing the partner is worth the risk of losing the free holidays.

the dd can just not go if it’s that important to her. No big deal. Then next year the mum can decide whether to carry on.

tbf I do think inviting partners might change the dynamic. 5 grandchildren, 5 partners, and they’re all likely to want to go off and do their own thing. Mum is more likely to be left on her own as couples aren’t going to invite her along as a third wheel are they?

then you might have one of the children inviting a partner they barely know. But then I’m biased as when I was young I went on a then bf’s “family” holiday. Sil had brought her new partner- who we found out later was a sex offender. Are you going to put a time limit on how long they need to have been together? It’s easier just to have a “no partners” rule. Especially if the others aren’t in LTR.

Me either. I went to my bils wedding and my mil said graciously I could be in the family photos since we were engaged, and I thought I’ve been with your son for years, if we weren’t engaged and you were all ‘not you you don’t count’, your son would be single now. You don’t forget these things.

the op is involved by going on the holiday. This is terrible advice, the dd needs to feel like her mum hasn’t also written off her relationship. Which is absolutely the message it sends if her mum shrugs and says oh well it is what it is.

Imagine if the grandmother had applied this no partners rule to her own children - she would have no grandchildren now!!

This is how to decimate a family. She needs to approach with a warm embrace - they live together and have been together 6 years - hes likely to be the father of her great grandchildren in the next 5 or so years - is she going to exclude the great grandchildren because it will change the vibe. She needs to cherish what she has - but it looks to me like she is fucking it up.

And even more ridiculous that this appalling behaviour by the GM is being tip-tied around and inadvertently enabled by the OP by relegating her own DD to some offsite accommodation with the likely snarls from the grandmother for ‘Changing the dynamic’ - OP needs to back her DD and her own family values by booking something for all her DCs and not give in to controlling granny - show her that everyone in this family has agency and values and granny’s snark has consequences.

She’s paying for a holiday for her entire family. He who pays the piper …

That’s such a lovely story and how impressive to keep the extended family holiday going for 60 years - achieved by openness to the ebbs and flows of what life brings - not the rigid exclusionary and punishing approach of the matriarch in this situation.