My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

Oh, that is devastating and very shocking, OP. You’re not an idiot. You trusted your husband. He’s proved untrustworthy but that’s on him, not you.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. He’s obviously way ahead of you on this, hence his rush to tell your daughter and make your separation real. You don’t have to fall in line with his timetable, however. You need some time to process. I think it’s fair enough to say you need a bit of time to process this before your daughter is told. Do you have people you can talk to about this in real life?

No, this is not the time to emotionally process this. This is the time to get angry and organized.

You start calling solicitors and see a solicitor at the latest on Wednesday. Until then, dig out every piece of paperwork that you have (house deeds, bank statements, all if it).

There is time to process things later.

Remember he has SIX MONTHS over you. He has planned this. Coldly, horribly. You owe it to your daughter to get organized NOW.

I may be thinking worst case but make sure you have DDs passport with you before she goes to stay at GPs

Oh OP, I’m so sorry. I have nothing helpful to say except what an absolute shitbag you married. At the moment you’re in shock, you just have to sit with that I think before you take action. Honestly I don’t think I could sit through him telling DD, if he’s determined to do that. I’d leave that problem to him, perhaps with his parents there if DD is close to them. What an absolute arsehole.

I'm so sorry, my lovely, you must be in shock. Do you have good friends and family who can support you through this?

Ultimately, you can't change his decision, but would you even want to, knowing what you now know? He has proven himself to be a shit husband and a shit father. This is going to be very hard, but perhaps in the longer term, you will be better off without him?

Also, on the plus side, he has been away for an extended period, so your dd is used to not having him around. She may cope with the news better than you are anticipating. If she reacts badly, remember that you didn't create this situation, but you will be the one who supports her to get through it.

Take some time to get your head around things - call in sick to work if necessary. When things are a bit clearer, try to work out what you want from him going forwards. How would you like contact to work? What support do you think you will need? Do you want his parents to carry on helping out? What do you want to tell your dd?

You will get through this, and you will be stronger because of it. He may well end up regretting what he's done when reality hits, but that won't be your problem.

Stay strong.

And yes, definitely get copies of all paperwork and keep hold of dd's passport!

What a disgrace this man is. And quite how does he plan to take care of his daughter? Men baffle me, I’m so sorry OP.

I'd be looking for proof (paperwork) of his new salary, then instructing a solicitor ASAP. Make his life feel uncomfortable... Be nice, helpful and pleasant upfront, but get the legal cogs in motion to really start to undermine the joy 6 mths in to his new fling... Which is what it is. She will tire of him v quickly when a good chunk of his money is guaranteed vanished, as proven/instigated by your solicitors letters...

Be nice to his face. Get someone else to dig the knife in, and send him every bill you can think of, whilst telling his parents the whole story and embarrassing him to pay up. After all, you have the golden ticket to him and his parents, the daughter!

Nice, nicey, nicey, then wham... This much per month, see ya :)

Oh god this 👆. He was and is fully prepared to lie to you and hide things from you, so you need to think he could easily throw you and your child under a bus if need be.
You need to be cold, ruthless and focused - cry later.
💐.

.

What an absolute bastard.
What is it with these entitled men?
I'm so sorry @Notmyostrich

This is horrendous.
you need support please tell your friends
get legal advice
don’t spoil your child’s relationship with her dad - let him do it himself but don’t let it come from you. keep hold of her passport so he can’t take her abroad.

Oh, OP, how dreadful, I am so sorry.

You did not deserve this.

And he is a complete twat - how can he burn all these bridges and abandon his child? Ugh.

I hope his parents are horrified with him. But its a shame - it sounds as if they have been a good support for you but in the end be careful about trusting them. The fact that he is their son will win through in their loyalties.

How do you feel about your dd staying with him?

Do the school runs indeed - like he will be able to do that from Spain.

I don't know what exactly you should do - but I am very sorry he has done this.

I'm so sorry.

I'll probably get told this is wrong, but like hell would I want him to have her for a week of playing the devoted daddy when I knew he was about to fuck off. You are her constant and stable parent and he's about to tear her world apart - he can go whistle.

That's awful, and he had the cheek to swan around at Christmas without saying anything!

I agree with others, to keep to cool head and get professional help immediately.

I can't imagine how hard that talk with your daughter will be at the weekend, but I think you need to be there for her.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

This, absolutely this!! ^

@Notmyostrich

There will be a time for a marital post mortem later. Right now you need to secure your and your DD's future. The only way to do that is to see a solicitor pronto! I know you don't think you can 'deal' right now, but believe me, you have hidden depths of strength you don't know you have. You are fighting for your child in this.

Tell your parents. Tell a friend. Have someone go with you to the solicitor. Seeing one doesn't mean you're going to 'do anything'. It means you are getting yourself educated as to what divorce might mean to you. Especially as he's planning to move out of the UK. Take a written 'snapshot' of family finances if you can. And now is time to find all the financial records you can. And to hide/get out of the house all important documents, especially DD's birth certificate and passport. In fact, I might be tempted to have it cancelled.

As far as DD goes, I wouldn't let her stay with him at his folks. He has proven himself to be a liar and is not to be trusted. I know it may sound far fetched that he might 'run off' with her, but why take that infinitesimal chance?

Again, now is time to dig deep, then dig deeper and tend to your future. It's in you to do this, I know it is. You'll have time later for the deep emotions you're feeling. But not now.

Totally agree!! What a shit of a dad! And a bustard of a husband . You and your daughter deserve so much better than this!

Get Angry
Enlist your friends asap to support you and help you get angry,
And try try try to not do the pick me dance, You will look back with dignity.
Dont do it because it never ever works,
Like someone said earlier , he has had 6 months to fall out of love with you - so he is gone, he’s checked out and he will never pick you. Sorry, I know that will sting)
. The only reason men who do this stay if you do the dance is
a)money ( he doesn’t want to give you it)
b) the kids ( he loves them)
But, he will still go. They never stay. And it will destroy you all over again.
I know it’s hard - but you can do this,
Big girl pants and find that anger,
Sendimg love

He could tell DD on his own if it were up to me, the selfish piece of shit. I would not want any part of a joint message. What do his parents think of what he is doing?

THIS!!! If he takes her abroad, it will be a nightmare to get her back. I would not allow this sleepover at his parents.

@Notmyostrich you have been shit on from a big height and I really feel for you, your husband has bettayed you and your/his family … he’s junk - ate you able to support yourself a d your children without him!?

🤗🤗I'm so sorry, you must be so floored tonight🤗. Your poor heart ❤️‍🩹

I hope you can talk to your parents/friends & get a real hug 🤗

I'd give him the option of telling his parents the FULL story tomorrow (before you do). But before DD is told or goes there I'd want a conversation with them. He tells her befire he takes her! Not after they spend the week together, just befire he flies off. He answers her questions & wipes her tears. He sees her little face crumpling & questioning.

I'd tell him HE can tell DD, but he has to tell you first what he's going to tell her. I'd let her go & stay at his parents IF she wants to.

his parents could be a huge support to you & DD, don't cut off your nose to spite your face! Given his parents must be decent people for you to have been happy for them to look after her while he's been away, it's highly unlikely he's going to do a runner with DD & never see his parents again (nor arrive at the OW's home with his child!!) .

Use the week to get everything in order, take some leave from work if you can.& see a SHL (shit hot lawyer).

what's the situation with the house (mortgage or rented) can you afford the mortgage in your own?

one of the hardest things you have to come to terms with PDQ is that he is no longer on your side! YOU have to be strong & financially come out of this as best you can, for you & DD.

Be strong, fall apart later (if you still want/need to)but right now you need to be strong! You can do it.🤗

I'm so sorry OP. I was in a very similar position 2 and a half years ago. I'm a lot better than I was but I still haven't came to terms with it and I doubt I ever will. But I will never take him back. You need some real life support at this initial stage

He's planned all this, has he?

Moving to Spain? When does he plan to see his child??

How awful is this new woman, who supports a man like this?? Abandoning a child?

Practically, see a solicitor, and take pictures/copies of all documentation.

Why he thinks he would easily move to Spain like that is beyond me

Cos, you'll be sharing custody 50/50, won't you op?? How's he going to accommodate that?

NB.

He tells DD. You don't. You are not present at that meeting. This one's on him.

What a fucking shit.

Wonder what his parents will say?

I doubt this new woman knows the full story, he’s likely told her they’re already separated.