My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

He needs to tell her he’s abandoning her, not you. God what an awful awful man.

I’d tell as may mutual friends as possible before he tries to tell them and put a spin on it. What an absolute weasel.

Who the fuck tells these men that being a parent is something they can drop in and out of at will???!? Six months away as a trade off to bring in extra money, okay, can make sense if everyone agrees. Fucking off to another country forever and shrugging off essentially all responsibility for raising his child 🤯 how can anyone convince themselves that’s okay?

OP I’m so sorry. What’s your practical situation without him? Can you financially manage alone (get legal advice about likely split of assets), are your family close by as well as his, what kind of support do you have access to? If he wants to move away he’d be expected to pay child support of course but so many manage to evade that you need to consider the worst case.

This.

What an absolute shit. I know people are advising to get angry and get practical and they are right but in reality your system will be in collapse and this might be easier said than done. Are you close enough to his parents to call them tomorrow and talk it over with them?

I'm so sorry you have been treated so badly by this utter shitbag. Please don't blame yourself for not noticing. How could you have noticed when he's done all this so far away? It is not your fault.

There's been some excellent advice on here from others so I just want to add one little piece. He's 40, she's 27. It's very unlikely to last. I'd be quite sure that she'll get bored with him very soon. A brief affair in a foreign country is not the same as living with someone and doing their washing etc.

Please bear this in mind when you go to see the solicitor. Make it clear what you want long term and also in the event that he might come crawling back once the novelty has worn off (for the OW probably). Be strong and take all the support that comes your way.

What a lowlife. Not so much for the affair, although that's awful, but to abandon his daughter.

I've got no experience of this, so can't offer advice re solicitors etc, but please enlist as much support from friends and family as you can. Hopefully his parents will not approve of what he's doing. If it were one of my sons I would be disgusted with them.

I would have laughed in his face "you can't just move abroad you total dildo, you have a seven year old child". The fuck does he think he's playing at? I'd make it very clear to him that if he wishes to abandon his kid like that she will grow up to hate him and his new women will pribably, rightly, think he's a chump.

My first thought was he must have knocked up the OW. Otherwise what’s the rush?
what a piece of work!

Where is your daughters passport?

has she both uk and eu passports?

I’d be taking her to your parents for that week. Not letting him drip poison for a week.

get your finances moved to your name now. A divorce from abroad is very difficult.

Call his parents and ask if he has told them, and say he wants to tell your dd.

I am uncertain of a ' big reveal' and the long term effects on her mental health.
Whatever he says she will hear different. And the crux of it is, she and you aren't enough is what it might feel like to her.

He will love bomb her, end up subtly blaming you for not being happy.

I think he should tell her at your house, and if she wants to go she can. Or she can wait til he's gone to see GPS. What can't happen is she represses how she feels to keep dad happy.

It's really not about him. He of course, thinks it is. He wants to tell her in case you make her hate him. You really don't do that, but also you don't lie.

Tell him he needs to ensure his will specifies dd, with you as executor. Tell him this in front of his parents. They need to look at their will, in case he marries again, has more kids etc to ensure dd not over looked. Obviously you don't say any of this!

He is not your friend. Do not sign anything, agree to anything. In fact, it night be a good idea for him to immediately set up a direct debit to you and a savings account for dd thar he can't touch.

He will want half the house. Don't tell him- let his solicitor- but you can get a court order to stay until dd is 18.

Get her passport out of the house, don't break down in front of him or parents in case it gives them any ammunition you can't cope.

Suggest moving this thread to relationships?

Final bit of advice- file first in the UK for divorce. If he files outside the UK, it will be a nightmare for you. Do it this week. He is in the UK. It needs a wet ink signature from him and much cheaper than your solitor fed exing it abroad, and back.

You can think what you like about what he has done but the only advice anyone should be giving you is put your child first and do what you need to make them the most important thing in this - demanding and ordering him around does nothing to make this best for her

so work out what is best for her and not you 2 finding with each other and do that it is easy for people to sit nehinfd a computer and do the dramatic 'how dare he do that to you'' or ''you cant let him do that' or whatever but sadly yes he can so atleat of the poor childs parents need to put her first

No sleepover at parents, she's not seen him for six months and he's pissing off to Spain soon so why dangle this 'look how wonderful I am to live with' week with him? Just to take it away again?

OP I am so so sorry. You have every right to be stunned and shocked that the man you built your life with and have a child could be so selfish, cruel, callous and utterly led by his c*ck. It is a betrayal beyond comprehension and he is the lowest of the low.

As others have said, get your ducks in a row. Consult a solicitor, take him for everything he owes you, you have rights to child support, potentially spousal support and share of his pension. It’s not about revenge at all but he has f*cked around and now he must find out that you cannot just abandon your old life scot free.

So what is best for the child to spend time with her father before he leaves or tell her ''your dad is leaving but I dont want you to see him and spend time with him before he goes"

not what the OP or the father thinks what is actually best for the child?

Why would she need to say anything? Unless the child asks just carry on as is?

Do not let her spend the week at his parents! And hide her passport now!

It all sounds paranoid but he’s had an affair and is blowing up your entire lives, he cannot be trusted right now.

I would also be telling him that you aren’t ready to tell DD, and he can wait before he blows up her entire life. He doesn’t get to do this on his timeline! And really what logistics does he need to discuss? He’s pissing off to another country, he’s not a parent anymore.

I’m going to echo other posters, get angry and start seeing a solicitor, move some money from the joint account to your own, don’t let him escape from his life that easily

This, but I also would refuse to let him have dd this week. I would keep her with me and hold my child close. why does he get to play the devoted dad and do school runs now when he's planning to effectively abandon her for another woman? How will he do school runs from Spain? He needs to understand what he stands to lose so no I wouldn't be giving into his demands to have dd for the week.

Ugh that’s awful Op. I am not surprised how you feel at discovering this is the kind of man you were married to. Assuming you’re a similar age to your husband, I guess this other woman is around the same age you were when you first got together.

It’s pathetic how so many men get panicked or down about their age once they reach 40 and think the answer is to get a younger woman.

It’s utterly despicable what he’s doing to his own child too. This will impact her and I can only hope she is able to talk about or express her feelings over this.

no, me either. ‘ I don’t think that’s in dds best interests, you won’t be doing any school runs from Spain so I will be having to explain to her why daddy has left her after you’ve given her your explanation. What have you told your parents? They’ve been a big support while you’ve been off fucking someone else and planning to desert your wife and child.’

Yes, I was thinking this. It shows he is willing to play with her emotions to be like 'Dad's back! But I'm leaving you again!' Really cruel. He's done this to the OP and now the daughter.

OP, don't give in to his timeline. He shouldn't be telling your daughter until you have both agreed how often she will be seeing him (in a plan he needs to stick to). Kids need concrete information not vague assurances.

Like others have said, he has been terrible so protect yourself financially and emotionally by seeing a solicitor as soon as you can.

I would also be telling his family and your joint friends about his behaviour. You need the support and men like that twist the narrative to suit them.

I think it will be too traumatic for your DD if you allow him to take her away for a week to his parents and tell her without you there. You are going to be the one left to pick up the pieces for her so you must insist that it’s done on your terms not his.

He isn’t to be trusted with what he will say to her so he must say it asap in your DD’s home where she at least feels secure with her mum right next to her. He does the talking not you. Let him worry about what to say. You simply do the comforting and the putting her straight. It’s ok to tell her you don’t approve of his plans and that you had no idea this was going to happen.

He also wants to play daddy with her at the same time as betraying her. He will try to make it sound like an exciting adventure for her to be going to Spain in the school holidays and meeting her new step mum etc which will be terribly confusing for her so you must let her know that you too, are shocked, confused and upset but will always be there for her, showing your love and properly keeping her safe in the home and routine you have together.

Don’t trust him OP. And, as much as you like them, don’t confide in his parents for now either. Tell him it’s all happened too quickly and you need time to think and process. Slow him right down. Don’t let him know that you are in fact quickly getting on with things legally so as to ensure the very best outcome for you and your DD. You will have to try to put emotion aside as much as you can while you work with your solicitor to do that.

i hope you have lots of support from family and friends as this will be a hard year ahead for you both. But you will get through it OP so don’t despair.
Lean on those you trust who really love you.
Your husband is living in a bit of a fantasy land right now so stay on your toes and take everything he says with a pinch of salt. He isn’t to be trusted, especially when he tries to come crawling back to reality!

How awful.
I wouldn't let her stay at his parents for a week
You've been everything for her while he has been away for 6 months. To tell her and then to isolate her from you would be to take away her main support at a time when she is going to be devastated. I think I would argue that you need to keep things as stable as possible for her. I do think he should spend time with her but you need to spend time with her too. He is only thinking of himself and what is best for him and not what is best for your daughter.

I would not be ok with him taking your dd to his parents for an entire week. He doesn’t have your dd’s best interest at heart. If he did, he wouldn’t be planning to move abroad to start a new life without her.

I don’t agree with posters saying that he tells your dd alone. I think you should be there for this conversation. You’ve been her everything for the past 6 months. She’s going to need you to process her feelings, not go on a sleepover with a man, who’s prepared to blow up her entire life in favour of a woman, he’s known 5 minutes.

What I would be doing is keeping contact with his parents for your dd’s sake, even if they did know about the affair. Are you close with them? Can you explain this to them so that they understand you’re not blocking contact, you just think she needs her mum at such a difficult and devastating time for her. That once she’s processed things, you’ll of course be fine with her staying over at theirs. And that you would very much like things to carry on with them the way they always have between all of you, as she has a very close and loving bond with them.

As for the divorce, I’ve read on past threads it’s best for you to file in the uk because our laws are much more protective of assets to the primary parent than other countries. You’ll very likely get more than half of everything. And do register your interest in the house so that you ensure you have secure housing for the time being and that (presuming you own the house), he can’t just try and sell under you.