My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

How is it catastrophising exactly ? It’s entirely sensible and protecting DD’s interests. Her father has blown up his marriage and is proposing to move to another country with the OW. OP doesn’t know what he’s capable of, or what he’s planning.

He hasn’t’ dumped’ his daughter and if you’d read OP’s updates properly, you’d see he’s proposing to take DD to Spain for half the holidays. So it makes sense for OP to ensure he can’t take her out of the country without her knowledge or consent.

It’s perfectly straightforward, nothing catastrophic about it - OP applies to family court for a Prohibited Steps Order preventing him from, leaving the country with DD. She can also ask the court to temporarily seize the current passport for safeguarding and insist that any future renewals require signatures from both parents. That way, if he travels alone with DD he will require notarised written consent from OP to get past customs.

All of these things should be done as soon as possible to protect DD until they are further down the line of divorce and his intentions are clearer. OP clearly has concerns because she was talking about giving DD’s passport to her parents for safekeeping.

Hardly catastophising. If OP has any concerns he might take the child out of the country without her permission those steps are sensible.
I agree his new woman might not want him to do that to have to share him with a youngish child but who knows what he has in mind?

In Ireland you can’t get another passport without both parents if the child previously had both parents sign for it.

U seem very calm about it all. 14 years I would go completely mad , revenge is everything, he would deserve everything coming to him

It really isn't. With a young child in the mix, you simply cant go around going completely mad. For their sake you have to remain calm and civil. The 'revenge' is simply to move on, rebuild your life and take satisfaction in knowing that you'll have a far greater relationship with the child and that you are no longer tied to a lying cheat.
His relationship may or may not work out and there are times when single parenting sucks but going batshit crazy and cutting up his clothes, putting it all over social media, reporting to his work and some of the other suggestions on here are not going to make things better.

Ha! How to get a restraining order 101

I think the main thing to communicate to him right now is that if he wants to arrange custody, it needs to be via a court order. So he better make a start arranging that before he goes away.

Him thinking he can throw a grenade into your lives and expect your DD to like him still (let alone want to visit him) is insane. He’s completely deluded.

Agree with you OP that telling lots of people isn’t necessarily. His employer will know he’s shafted you when he asks to move to Spain without you and DD!

Let him tell everyone himself and let him see their reactions.

The dd is only 7. So long as he remains kind and interested in her when they are together, she may not really think beyond that for a while yet. He's her daddy and she's used to him being away. Mine were a little younger but whilst they always knew that their dad left because he had a new girlfriend (then wife) I was and am very very careful not to have ever badmouthed him in that regard (or any other for the most part) . They can make their own choices as they grow older.

I think given the international dimension a court order is wise, but regardless of anything, she has a right to see her father as long as she wants to and I am really impressed with the OPs calmness thus far and readiness to keep comms open.

Op I was worried by what you said upthread - kill him with kindness.

You must unequivocally go for what will support your daughter best. Phrases we say to ourselves like are usually part of the 'pick me' dance. There's no going back from this kind of betrayal, pleased don't kid yourself there is - you could never relax in a relationship with him again even if he did turn round and say it was all a mistake.

That's exactly what he wants from you, kindness and "understanding" and you are going to give them to him? Proceed with the divorce, be civil but look out for your own interests and it's not your job to make him feel nice or "see how good I am and see what you are going to miss".

Also, when he says you should tell DD don't say anything to prepare him but when you are both with DD tell her normally "daddy has made decisions which he would like to tell you about". Why should it appear that it was a common decision when it was his decision to screw you over and abandon you? I hate it when women are told that they have to show "daddy is nice" and play along to make him look better than he is and pretend that he is not destroying a family. Don't be nasty, attack him or argue obviously but if he tries to twist reality let it be known that you were also taken aback and you and DD will respect the decision for him to move with OW.

I agree with this.
He will detach emotionally because he won't see much of her and you could be suddenly stunned when he becomes difficult financially.
Get a good financial order now.
Preferably the full house.
Let him move off then.

Don't be like so many foolish women who expdct decency.
You have no idea what the future holds.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best financially.
What about if you health suddenly went and you couldn't work for a while?
Would you send your daughter to stay with him to ease your financial issues?
Think worst case scenario's and what you need to insulate yourself from them.

Excellent post.

This bit in particular when you are both with DD tell her normally "daddy has made decisions which he would like to tell you about

This is being an excellent role model and showing her that it is important to be honest about what is going on. This is her Dad's decision. Neither of you have the power to change that, but what you can do is hold on to the truth. It will serve her well as she gets older and also will be some protection against lies when she's with him alone.

He's shown he's a liar. You might not badmouth him, you cannot be guaranteed at all that he will not badmouth and try and blame you. He clearly does not have your child's best interests at heart, given his actions. He's not thinking about her needs, or what's best for her at all.

OP while you are getting your financial ducks in a row, it is worth bearing in mind that if your DD's father lives abroad, there is very little the CMS can do to get him to pay maintenance. They basically have no power over individuals living abroad. You would need to get a court order for child support and apply for enforcement through the REMO arrangements (if he's in a country covered by that arrangement). Which will be expensive and time consuming. You should definitely think about that when you are considering financial negotiations in the divorce process, and I would suggest talking to your solicitor about that asap.

Just one more addition to my post above.

Every time he promises to be fair/reasonable/dignified/prioritise DD/not leave you 'without' and so on, just remember how EASILY and how WELL he lied to you for six whole months.

Do not make any decisions or come to any agreements based on anything he tells you. He is a liar - and a good one - he has his own interests at heart (and OW will have an agenda too) - and he is only being nice because, pathetically, he wants to 'look decent'.

I agree with several other posters who suggest saying to your daughter 'Daddy has made a decision that he'd like to tell you about'. Your husband needs to be the person to tell her (with you there), and for your daughter to understand that the decision isn't yours. Hiding the existence of the OW isn't going to be possible, so as sad as it is, your daughter is going to have to know that your husband has met someone else. Be very very clear, that your husband may no longer love you, but he loves your daughter and nothing is her fault. Often children blame themselves, when a parent leaves.

You need to sit and speak to your husband regarding contact and visits, because your daughter needs to know what will be happening. She can't be told until, you are both in agreement. If your husband goes in with half-baked ideas, with no real plan, it will make your daughter feel insecure and frightened.

Advise your daughter's pastoral care team at school, as she may need support further down the road.

Remember, your husband is no longer on your team. He doesn't have your best interests at heart or his daughter's. Don't tell your in-laws of your plans, because regardless of how angry they may be with him, he's still their son.

With regards to the OW, you have your answers. Don't have any further contact with her. Some women don't care if a man is married or in a long-term relationship. Her decision to get involved with a married man, is likely to turn around and bite her on the arse at some point!

Not sure what colour has to do with it but that’s how access to dual citizenship works all over the world. Not sure how it’s a two tier system.

You're coming across as a fucking hero to me, OP.

The message you got back from her stung me, I can only imagine how it made you feel.

Keep doing what you're doing. Hold you and your daughters best interests close to your chest, let that prop you up. And a special FUCK THAT MOTHERFUCKER for doing this to you from me, for what it's worth.

I don’t think you would be vengeful. But I think a financial clean break, if that’s the house, is best. I’ve seen men justify not paying full maintenance because of their ‘costs’, if he’s paying for flights etc he may do that.
You then can sell the house and release some funds if the house doesn’t work do you anymore.

You also need to be looking at going for a good bit more than 50% of the equity. It’s by no means a “starting point” - there’s no starting point except “the needs of the parties, in particular their housing needs”. This means as you will have dd for nearly all the time, your housing needs and general needs will be greater.

It’s not to punish him, it’s just to be clear that you will be the one financially and otherwise responsible most of the time.

Also as a PP has said, CMS will not be able to do anything if he’s abroad, and it will also be harder to enforce the court order you must get re maintenance, so you want to weight towards equity rather than maintenance. So more equity to you rather than reflecting the consideration that you will have dd more in maintenance alone.

WTF exactly. It reads like a plot from Kim Kardashian’s “law” series All’s Fair (not that I’ve watched it!).

Yes this is what I thought too.Maybe some people you can kill with kindness in some situations, but these two pieces of work the husband and the fluff don't deserve kindness and won't notice your kindness.You have to be tough with them.They are both so selfish they will ride rough shod over youand DD.So.please start being selfish yourself,thinking of you and DD.

24 years after this happened to me, the two pieces of advice I would give is never, ever, use your child as a bargaining chip to get your own way and try to get the division of assets done while your ex still feels guilty.

Passports have already been mentioned in some detail. If I were in the OPs shoes, I would also speak to the school and ensure that he can't collect her from school - just in case!

The school are not able to with hold a child from someone with parental responsibility without a court order. Whilst many schools will be sympathetic and do what they can if they consider there are genuine concerns, the bottom line is that without the court order, they don't have a leg to stand on. Please don't rely on any school being able to realistically police the breakdown of a relationship between parents - both parents are equally allowed to make decisions for their children, pick them up etc.