My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

Act quickly whilst he feels guilty. Get the paperwork but also ask him to do stuff like put some money in trust for DD as an example with you both as trustees. This will ensure that DD has money to be used to help with hobbies, expenses etc. He will be feeling bad now so will do more. This will quickly fall away when he realises that moving house, country etc will be expensive

This was my first thought too. Give DD’s passport to your parents for safe keeping.

Is it really in DD's best interest to be love bombed by Dad this week if he plans on abandoning her? Right now he is surely less of an active parent, why not keep it that way to make the abandonment less obvious to her?

He isnt in charge: remind ypurself of that first.

He doesn't get to tell you today and take dd to his parents house for week,rip open her life and fuck off again while leaving you all to pick up the pieces.

He's leaving, fine. He's in charge of that. He's also in charge of where he lives. He does not get to dictate anything else.

Adult discussions about logistics need to be arranged to give dd the security if hearing the message and knowing what it means next for her. He can't do that. He also can't expect you to tell work you need this week off to fit in with his divorce plans.

I'd tell him dc resides at home and he can visit her this week. He can then plan a week back that is mutually convenient to iron out the details or do it by phone. When you have an agreement on visitation, you can tell dd together what comes next. He can of course do what he wants but from this moment forward you're no longer his docile wife, youre purely the mother of his child and you will be defending her best interests fiercely and if he makes decisions that show he isn't trying to coparent effectively with DC front and centre because he'd rather act in his own best interests then he needs to know you'll be relaying that to the court when it inevitably comes to that because he clearly can't work together.

That's it. Remember that he isn't in charge.

Yes this! Do not allow him to take dd to his parents and hide her passport.

It is way too soon for your DD to spend a week as the child of separated parents! Your STBXH sounds extremely emotionally immature if he thinks he can take your DD off for a week to his parents and she can go to school as usual.

God, what an absolute shit. All strength to you OP.

I understand your shock, but right now you have to channel that shock into anger. You need to muster every bit of strength to remain outwardly calm for your daughter's sake. You need to gather paperwork - mortgage, savings, investments, earnings/pensions etc and find yourself a good solicitor. You have an added issue that your husband is planning to swan off to Spain, you need to make sure you put legal steps in place to stop your husband from disappearing with your daughter.

What is clear, is your marriage, at least on your husband's side, wasn't completely happy. This woman is 27 and he's 40, once reality kicks in, which it will at some point, it will likely come crashing down. It's at that point your husband may try to crawl back, he's 'made a mistake' - that's when you say 'tough, jog on love, behaviour has consequences'.

I have no idea how co-parenting with someone who's planning on living abroad is going to work. Your husband has decided he's opting out of family life, and is going to be a 'now-and-again Dad'. There's phone calls, Facetime, he can come back to the UK to visit but yes, he's likely going to want your daughter to stay with him during some of the holidays. It's shit, and it will be tough for your daughter to navigate, as it will you having to solo parent.

Don't hide his behaviour from your own family or his. Don't cover for him. He's blown up his own marriage, let him deal with the consequences of that.

Mine did exactly the same, went to work abroad, we stayed behind to sort out the home and until he could find a house for us to live in and a school for the children as we were going to join him at Xmas, he came back after three months and Xmas Eve told me he wanted a divorce. Swore there was no one else, didn’t believe a word he said! He spent Xmas at his parents and then went back to South America. I had arranged to let out our home , so had to cancel that, put the house up for sale and sort everything out, whilst he simply left me to it!
in a way, it was better. He saw the children once or twice a year, but left everything else to me so we had little, if any conflict. Thankfully, he was pretty generous financially- his only redeeming feature!
Im not saying it won’t be tough, but speak to a lawyer and get things sorted as soon as you can, for your own peace of mind if nothing else!

These men are not worth the tears. Your best revenge, once you're over the shock, is to live your best life(or appear to) once he's gone! Bet he realises he's "made a mistake"
and wants to come crawling back. Don't let him!! If OW is only 27 chances are he'll end up a dad again, while when your daughter is older you'll have your freedom back, he'll be knee deep in nappies! 🤣 I'm petty like that.

Disagree with this. My H left me for csomeone else. Did he tell the kids that? Or friends? No. He vehemently denied anyone else and I got the blame fair and square. The only people he told were best friend and his parents.

My children then wouldn't believe me because, 'why would daddy lie?'

But if its too soon, see if you can agree to tell her about it together later.

Im so sorry. I know it's a nightmare you want to wake up from. You wont feel like this forever, I promise. Are you ok financially? If he's moving abroad abd your DD is staying with you, you'll be in a very good position financially.

When i was 27 I thought anyone over 35 was really old! It may well not last but by then you won't care...

Look after yourself, it's very hard but does slowly get easier.

Get the passport out of the house and stored somewhere he can't get to it. My ex stole the kids passports

He's had lots of time to get used to the idea and you are in shock
.
He can come and see DD at your house. It's going to be a shock to her too and it's too soon to make her move about

What an idiot of a man

You will be fine though, I promise. It may not feel like it now but you will be.

So sorry you are going through this. The reality is, in a relationship/ marriage the other person can suddenly leave at any time. We are not going to get any notice that its going to happen. Yes its devastating and turns your Life upside down. But it does happen. There's nothing you can do about it apart from Let him go - he wants to go, let him go. Let him lose you. You cant make him stay with you when he wants someone else, I have also been there but after he told me he did not want me, and he wanted someone else, that was enough to make me lose respect and feelings for him. Look at what he's done / he has also turned your child's life upside down, hopefully this will be enough to make you lose respect and feelings for him. Don't put him on a pedestal, realise the reality of what he has done and let him go.
As for your child, don't worry about what to say or how to explain. You didn't do this. The truth is that her dad wants to leave, youl explain that you don't want him to go but he wants to, and be there to comfort her. You two will actually become closer. After my husband left, the bond between and my daughters grew so much stronger.

Realise to yourself that he has done this to you. Once your child is in bed allow yourself to cry, all night if you want to. There does get to a point when tears stop. The first few weeks are the worst but things are uphill from there.
You didn't deserve this. Make sure to Spoil yourself during this time, it will help you. Book in for back massages. Ice cream / chocolate/. etc

Under no fucking circumstances would I allow a man who is about to abandon his daughter to take her to his parents' hoise and play happy single parent for a week first. He wants the chance to indoctrinate her to his side, and he will do it by telling her about all the nice things and good times she will get out of it. And then in the longer run, he will let her down.

Strategically, you need to remember you will be primary parent and if his parents like spending time with dc then they would be wise to support you, not piss you off.

So invite them over this week as a buffer between you and to reduce the chances of him blurting out divorce plans to your child.

Remember, hes come home knowing he wants to rip off the plaster. Youve has the rug pulled from your feet. You're not in a strong mental state to agree to anything.

he isnt in charge. don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you sad. Be firm.

You've been primary parent for months and he's trusted you to do that so bow he needs to trust your judgement on how and when to tell dd. Otherwise he is saying he doesn't trust you and what does that say about him as a dad leaving you to look after her for 6 months and then moving abroad permanently and not seeking residency?

You're her primary parent. Take a deep breath, back-burner your pain this week and fight back. Even if that means just facilitating contact this week until you've processed it. If he pushes, make an appointment with a solicitor and tell him all divorce and custody discussions need to go through them. The only thing you're offering this week is visitation at your house.

What a complete twat. I'm so sorry this is happening OP.

Yes, I thought this too. It also happened to a friend of mine. Married for 12 years. 2 primary school aged DDs. Both with good jobs, beautiful home. He was a hands on dad. School drop offs, there for all the school assemblies, sports days etc etc.A very present father who seemed like a good bloke.

Turns out he was having an affair with a colleague who was on a secondment to the UK. She gets pregnant, moves back home. He leaves his family and follows - a 10 hour flight away.

He pays well for his dc. FaceTimes regularly. Sees them for a week at Christmas and Easter, half the summer holidays. His ex and his DDs were expected to just fall in line with his new life. I would never, ever have expected it from him.

@Notmyostrichyou have had some very good advice on here about getting things in order. I’m so sorry that you are in this position but please learn from my friend’s experience.

He is not your friend. He is not on your side. He has had months to think this through. Be careful with his parents.

It’s definitely for him to tell his daughter. Don’t be a part of that conversation. It’s on him to figure out logistics too.

On the note of DD going to his parents - I honestly think it’s a really bad idea to tell her her parents are splitting up and dad isn’t moving home, and then IMMEDIATELY change her whole routine by her going to GPs for the week. She needs normality and structure - perhaps suggest he could have her for a couple of night later in the week but certainly not the whole week. He’s just thinking about himself, not what’s best for her.

What a pig he is. Don’t let them have dd for the week, God knows what he will tell her.

Be in the room when he tells her but don’t help him.

Sorry about this. I predict he will get bored and come back in a few months and expect you to take him back. Don’t take him back.

Sorry OP, that’s horrible. I’ve been through very similar but without the ex moving abroad. Personally I wouldn’t let DD stay with him, it’s not her home
and never will be, you will be her main/only parent really. Keep her close, and keep her passport hidden

What a fucking cunt (& I really hate using that word).

He doesn't get to decide that DD stays at his DPs house with him for a week.

You definitely need legal advice, particularly around maintenance and how visitation is going to work if he wants to swan off abroad. Do you have people IRL who can help support you?

What a fucking cliche he is. Another middle aged man who gets twitchy in his pants just because a younger woman looks at him and he forgets his responsibilities.
Yes, sometimes I would like to live my life again in my 20s, but I am in my 40s with responsibilities and obligations. I have DC that need to be loved, fed, watered, made to feel secure

There is no way I would sit your daughter down together. Let him do it. She will always remember that conversation for the rest of her life and if you’re doing it together she will always think you were complicit in the split.

I would just go along with it all for a bit. Mark my words this will all come crashing down. There’s one thing having an exciting affair with a 27 year old from work when you are on the other side of the world. I’m sure it felt new and exciting but it’s a whole new level leaving your family and home and starting a new life in another country where you know no one all for the sake of a new affair.

Get his parents on side too. This will not end well for him.

@Notmyostrich I think you should be there when he tells your dd. He has proven that he is a very good liar. Be there to listen to every word that comes out of his mouth. Don’t let him tell her by himself, even with his parents present. He will gloss over everything and sell it as a wonderful opportunity to have lots of lovely holidays together.

I would want to hear every single word he says to your DD.

I really really hate how men dont have to go through the physical ordeal of pregnancy and labour and then to top it all off they get to just walk out of middle aged life but still say "im a father"