My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

I'm so sorry OP. What a nightmare this man has created.

I just want to echo PP in saying, he does NOT get tl determine the timeline. This will sound silly, but practice ssying 'no' to him, because he is trying to run rough shod all over you.

'No, I need time to think about what you have just said, I will let you know tomorrow if I have any more questions"
"No, we are not telling DD this weekend. We need to discuss what and how we are telling her, and then finally when".
"No, she will not be staying at your parents for a week. She will need security and consistency during this time."
"No, we are doing doing [insert any ludicrous idea] right now, we will discuss and plan how best to do it to minimise any impact on DD"

Do not progress with any of his demands until you understand and are comfortable. Be a broken record, he will try to make you seem unreasonanble but you just keep saying "As I said, I will think about what you have suggested and contact you tomorrow"

Agree. This is the first thing I thought of.

Agree you should remove your daughter's passport to a safe place. There is also a process by which you can alert UK Borders to a potential child abduction so that, even if he somehow found the passport, or if he were to get her a Dutch passport, he’d be prevented from taking her out of the UK.

Useful information about Divorce process:

• Wikivorce
• Divorce for Dummies
• Family solicitor websites

Documents needed:

• marriage certificate and daughter’s birth certificate
• house deeds and mortgage statements
• Bank and investment statements
• salary slips, P60, tax returns
• pension statements (pensions can be more valuable than home equity!)
• evidence of any debts
• plus a list of monthly expenses - mortgage, insurance, council tax, utilities, etc

Keep a cool head and focus on the end goal, ie the best financial settlement you can get. Stay focus and move quickly; he is likely to put up less of a fight and feel more generous while he is still feeling (somewhat…) guilty.

Also bear in mind that the one who files is in the driving seat. Best to rip off the plaster and get this done as quickly and efficiently as possible. 💐

Fuck. What an absolute shitbag. Men. What is wrong with them?

I had a similar devastating end-of-marriage conversation out of the blue late last year. I think I was in shock for the first 2 weeks. It will be a rollercoaster. Be kind to yourself. Whatever gets you through.

I'm still relatively early days, but I'm doing okay. Better than I thought I would. I think one thing that helped me was to immediately decide that I was worth so much more, and he was a cowardly, selfish, sniveling shitbag. I'm perfectly civil for the sake of the children, but for me the only way was onwards and upwards without him. Fuck him. Bye.

Do not let him control the narrative on this. Especially with your daughter.

no doubt his narrative will want to be: mummy and daddy have fallen out of love but we still want to be friends and both love you very much.

she needs the truth, which is simply: daddy has a new girlfriend which means that he can’t stay married to mummy now.
yes mummy is sad but we both still love you.

truth doesn’t mean finger pointing and blame.

clearly he’s a bastard, a mere week into moving away and he was already starting to leave you both.
hes now had 6 months of living as a couple with OW and plan. You need to get to a solicitor asap

A pp suggested cancelling DDs passport. Don't do this as if it is cancelled, he could apply for a new one for her.

Some of the legal advice on here is decidedly bad especially the stuff about mesher orders and demands to be the executor of his will! I think @Beesandhoney123 should stop handing out legal advice when they plainly know very little. Please get good legal advice and go for everything you can get your hands on. Your husband is no longer your best friend and he certainly does not have you or your daughter's best interests at heart. It's a classic mid-life crisis thing and I can't help but think that the twenty seven year old will likely tire of him soon. But whether she does or not, he has shown who he really is - a man prepared to run off to another country to follow a much younger woman and abandon his marriage and his child.

It's hard to imagine what's in it for her and she is probably as thick as a brick to listen to his explanations about how how he and his wife had grown apart, never have sex and were staying together only for the child. I particularly despise men who say that love someone but are not "in love with them". When I was a 27 year old and a bit of a bombshell (well perhaps more Audrey Hepburn than Marilyn Monroe) I wouldn't have given a married man of forty with a child a moment's consideration. Why would I want to be a stepmother and put up with the household budget being drained by child support payments?

I would be carefully controlling the narrative of telling your daughter. There are constant tales on here about mothers gamely pretending that the father was not an utter louse. They are usually rewarded when the father turns up when the children are teenagers and blames the mother for the demise of the marriage. Strangely, the teens often believe the father that his absence from their lives has been due to the intransigence of the mother and it's all her fault. I am not saying you need to compare your husband to the anti-Christ but, on the other hand, and in an age appropriate way, you make it clear he left.

You weren't an idiot for trusting him. I trusted my husband who worked abroad a a lot He was usually rushing to get back home and if he ever strayed I never found out about it. But it could have easily gone the other way if he had been a different sort of man and you never really know till you are in that situation.

Absolutely all of this. You owe him nothing now. Don't play nice. He is your opponent now.

Say no to his demands, tell him you need time to think (and apply for divorce even if it's the last thing you want to do right now because it will protect you and your daughter) but don't tell him you're applying.

You owe him nothing, you owe to put yourself and your daughter first.

Hold your daughter close. Don't let him give her a false sense of security now by spending the week playing dutiful dad only to then abandon her. It will devastate her, keep her close to you.

So sorry op. What a shitty thing go do. My dad moved abroad in a very similar situation when I was a similar age to your dd and I haven’t seen him since I was 15 - a decent parent does not put themselves first like that - he just doesn’t care about her or you. What a selfish arsehole I’m so sorry, but you WILL get through this.

Sorry to again be repeating this advice but do not let your daughter’s passport out of your sight. Hide it right now, and don’t trust him.

And you don’t have to do what he wants regarding your daughter right now. He is not in charge of this anymore. Good luck x

Get your daughters passport out of the house into the hands of someone you trust. You cannot trust him in this situation.

Sorry this has happened. You will get through this - trust that things will improve. Protect your daughter.

Same, @Notmyostrich
Same thing happened to me.
My pilot-husband moved for work and came home a month or so later and told me he wanted a divorce.
Then he kept me in court and crippled me financially.
Over some random, average, nothing-special stewardess.
It was all so shocking and heartbreaking and insulting and horrible.
Get mad. Gather up your financial resources. Your child is the most valuable asset you have.
Start gathering up insurance and banking and any other valuable assets you might need.
Divorce changes people - he might suddenly get really shitty like my husband did.
Protect yourself with an attorney.
I’m sending you sisterly love ❤️

How can these men be so selfish and cruel? so sorry you went through that. Is he still with the OW? Did he ever acknowledge his horrific behaviour?

hope things are better now @DreamTheMoors

What a piece of shit. Get angry OP. Don’t let him call all the shots
take him for everything that you can

Been there, got the teeshirt. So my advice comes from experience.

1. remember he is not your friend, friends don’t treat you like this. So do not expect him to be nice or play fair. You can rebuild a co-parenting relationship but right now you need to fight your corner
2. which leads to - you don’t owe him any comfort, so if he says you’re being mean or difficult or whatever, take it. You don’t have to agree with what he wants or how he wants to play it. He didn’t offer you any comfort did he?

And keep those two lines handy for when others offer you advice or your In Laws expect you to accept things for the sake of peace and your child (because chances are they will)

Get a lawyer, speak to several to find one who works well with you and who will fight your corner. Once this gets down to money, custody arrangements etc you need someone who will hold your line when you’re getting pummelled from all sides.

And with your daughter l found keeping the thought of modelling what strong women looks like helped me navigate. Yes she saw me sad, but she also saw me pick myself up, ask for help when I needed it, take the high ground, and put her and myself first.

Im a year in and only just now dealing with the emotional side of things because I’ve been acting like I was made of steel up until now. But you know what he’s done so many bat shit stupid and frankly pathetic stuff in those 12 months it’s not been too hard to be grateful I’m no longer married to him.

Big un-mumsnetty hugs

He’s not thinking with his brain is he. Just tell him he needs to be aware that he will lose all respect from everyone he knows in the UK, his parents will be embarrassed and ashamed of him, his colleagues will laugh at him behind his back and question his judgement and decision making but most crucially he will break his daughters heart and yours and her relationship with him will never be the same again.
He’s choosing a 22yo stranger instead of you and his darling daughter- as she grows up this realisation will affect her more and more and she will no doubt grow up strong happy and fantastic with you as her mum but she will utterly despise him and he will realise this one day and have to live with that knowledge and the shame of his actions.
Whatever you do make sure you tell him this and burst his dickbrain fantasy bubble - he needs to be clear on what he’s actually doing before he makes this ruinous decision that he will deeply regret.

I don't have any actual advice for you sadly, just wanted to say I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Never blame yourself for everything that's happened, like others said, you trusted your husband and it's not your fault he turned out to be a lying cheat. This is not on you.

Bloody hell, what an awful shock. What is WRONG with these “men”? One sniff of a shiny new minge and they loose their minds 🤯
Totally agree with the poster who said practice saying “no”. This fucker has had 6 months to plan all this, he is way ahead of you.
So no, DD won’t be staying at his parents next week and no, you won’t be telling her at the weekend. Why on earth does he think he gets to make all the choices? Twat 🤬
If I was you I’d say something like…”leaving me is one thing but leaving our daughter shows me you are not the man I thought you were. You disgust me. And your insistence on timescales that suit YOU merely confirm that. Fuck off to your parents whilst I try and get my head around the fact that I am somehow married to such an epically selfish cunt”.
Then get legal advice, gather all documents, book some therapy if you can and tell at least one person you trust.
As an aside, what on earth is SHE playing at? I wouldn’t ever entertain a man who was prepared to abandon his only child.

There's nothing you can do but accept it.

She gets a cheater for a prize who is 13 years older than she is.

I wonder if she knows he is leaving you or if he will return to her as a free man and she will back out of their 'wonderful new life together'.

Be prepared for him to come crawling back in the event the OW isn't in on this and rejects him now he's free. That is what happened with my ex. I said no, you can fuck right off rejected his kind offer - obviously,

It’s terrible he’s done it, you need to get your plan straight. However to say it sounds like something in a bad movie and not something that actually could happen is incredibly naive. It’s a tale as old as time. You effectively lived separately for 6 whole months. It is a very common starting point for affairs.

Hello there, so sorry this is happening to you, I’m another one to say make sure you have hold of her passport just in case. You’re strong, you’ve got this, you will be better off in the end

It's very unlikely that he, or his new squeeze, will want a seven-year-old around. I'd be more worried about how he plans to do his fair share, or any share, of parenting.

The first thing you need to do is hide your child’s passport from him.

Hadn’t RTFT when I posted but find it interesting that this point jumped out to so many other people too.

he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

He gets a week to butter up your daughter before telling her about the divorce. Don't let her go. Also keep her passport at your parents’ house.

I agree with this. He has made his decision. Also remember the saying ‘Blood is thicker than water.’ Trust me, don’t bother slagging him off to his parents, they will always put him before you.
Sorry this has happened to you op.