My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

Hes living in La La land, how any man can put his penis before his child and move away i dont know, and his parents are ok with this??? And his new bit will want children, hes running away from everything, you are better off being without a man like that,

Mmmm not a chance.

Absent for six months merrily fucking around with some lovely young thing. Comes home and has a list of demands to blow your life up. He can fuck off.

Who cares what he wants???? Not you and you shouldn’t. He wants you to soften the blow and then leave her with him for a week so her can lie to her and cook up a narrative while planning to abandon her permanently to go get his penis wet in Span. Idiot.

No, I am processing the information, I will not be telling DD anything at this time.
No, DD is my priority and her staying at GP to suit you isn’t in her best interests.
No, I’m not available to discuss this with you. You’ve made your decisions and have had 6 months to plan. I need space and time.
No, my daughter won’t be spending summers abroad etc etc,

You’ve managed the first six months without him. You’ll be fine. He is a liar, a cheat, a fraud, at risk of losing his job if the affair is exposed (he’s probably more senior given ages), duplicitous and a nasty cliche.

Tell people in real life. Get financial info and act fast before he leaves the country. Keep your daughter’s passport and all ID docs out of his reach. Esp if he could apply for a Dutch passport for her - they’d then cancel the UK passport. He could do that in parallel.

He is 6 months ahead of you on this. Do not agree to any of his suggestions, none will be in your or your daughter’s first interests.

"Supporting integration". That's one way of putting it.

Alos I think the relationship is so new and the OW is SO young that I don’t think k it’ll last and he’ll come crawling back at some point. So you shouldn’t tell DD yet in case he changes his mind next week and give him a time limit beyond which it’s definitely over - maybe 3 months to see sense and change his mind otherwise that’s it.
OW will want kids, he’ll be the oldest dad in the playground etc etc - on top of the shame of what he’s done to you and DD, he won’t like the reality of this life. Even in 5 years when they’re bored and arguing she’ll still be only 27! She could leave her old depressed balding fat pitiful English failed dad for a fit hot young 27 yo Spanish/LA honey! And if she doesn’t, he’ll be constantly worrying that she will - in 5 years time she’ll be more confident and strong and she won’t want some has been from work who’s way older than her friends and friends partners. Tell him all this, give him some time and see if you can stop this madness - even if you still dump the idiot at least his DD could still have a dad in this country.

What a fucker, time to get angry and calculating OP. You have managed without him you WILL be fine

Solicitor. Today.
Book an appointment for one asap. Look for one that specialises in family law and potentially child custody (just thinking of any potential issues going ahead).
When my DH was discovered in his sordid affair he tried to dictate what happens next on his schedule. Best advice a friend gave me was exactly what previous posters have said, he's 6 months ahead and you need to be practcal first then emotional.

I found a solicitor and was terrified calling because A) It made a situation i couldn't get my head around real and B) I actually had no idea what info I actually needed from a solicitor.

Its ok to not know .. .I cried on the phone to mine saying I had no idea what I needed to do or even exactly what I wanted but needed advice on what I needed to do to protect myself financially or legally at this stage.
And that was ok. You're paying for thier expertise. My solicitor actually really helped and thought of everything.
Phone today for an appointment, may be an initial phone appointment because it may take a few days to get availability.
A solicitor will need to do due diligence once you "employ" thier services, so have photo ID and proof of address for yourself available.
Once you've done that spend today gathering all documents. House, bank,shares, savings, investments, loans, pensions, payslips, tax codes etc.
It will help you answer the questions your solicitor will ask. You wont be able vlog answer it all today but by digging out the documents, you'll have access to alot of it.

Be practical today. Tell him you need time to absorb hisshittybehaviour this situation and some space today, to give you time to do this.

You will be ok.

This!

@Userxyd
He is an adult who has made his own decision.
Why should OP lower herself to beg him.to stay?
She has to put her DD and herself first and foremost. He will have to live with the consequences of his decision.

Also, don't tell him you're getting legal advice. Let him be on the back foot for as long as possible. He's not had a problem keeping you on the back foot until now.

@Userxyd

Although having him based in this country is good for the daughter, what could possibly be desirable about having this shite hawk of a man back?

I take it that you live near his parents if he can stay there for a week and do school runs and not near your parents if you spent a week there over Christmas. He is probably thinking he can live in Spain with his twenty seven year old and pop back very here, stay at mammy’s house and spend time with his daughter without making any effort whatsoever. Everything is so gloriously easy.

I’d drop my own bomb that you are going to move when the house is sold to somewhere new.

Having been through something very similar I wouldn't give him time to change his mind, even if he does why would you want him back?

However you have perfectly described my ex's life, has young kids when he should be planning his retirement. DC ( now adults ) say every time he drinks he becomes all sorry for himself and is really bitter about being deemed to be a bad guy.

Op the one regret I have is waiting too long to tell the dc, there were reasons for it at the time but they eventually guessed something was wrong and I ended up being the one to tell them and he neatly opted out of it as he wasn't there. Make sure he's the one to tell her, I'd be there for her but let her know it's not a joint decision.

That was my first thought too

So you shouldn’t tell DD yet in case he changes his mind next week and give him a time limit beyond which it’s definitely over - maybe 3 months to see sense and change his mind otherwise that’s it

@Userxyd Or, have some pride and self respect, accept he's made his choice and move on. If he gets away with this once, it'll likely happen again. Brighter days ahead OP, you'll get through this, like many strong women before you

I know 2 different Spanish / English couples with children who have divorced. Given you’re in the UK I would hope that their eexperience will be irrelevant, but trust me you don’t want Spanish courts anywhere near you. As hideous as this must be, take control of the situation. Xx

Definitely not wrong. I would be keeping her home
She has had 6 months of him not being there so don’t be cruel and don’t let her be around him to raise her hopes only for them to be dashed

i I think he is going to make the week phenomenal for her and talk about living in Spain and going to the beach everyday then ask her who she wants to live with.

No need to talk logistics with you. He can do it through your solicitor. He has probably got it all sorted in his mind. Wouldn’t be surprised if he says he will take her every single holiday, leaving you with the grunt work

Why would he want to spend a week with his DD, bonding with her, getting closer to her again after working abroad … to then feck off to Spain! Absolutely bloody not! Def not in her best interests 😡

I would tell dd immediately

Oh for goodness sake don't do any of this. It plays right into the pick me scenario that the OP needs to avoid at all costs.

There is nothing at all to be gained from pointing out the obvious. He has chosen this woman over his wife and dd, so nothing will change what is already done.

The OP needs to get focused and practical now. Tell this prick of a man nothing and get robust legal advice asap.

@Notmyostrich I would not let him have your dd for the week he has suggested. He doesn't get to call the shots now, and frankly, I wouldn't trust that he would not use this time to manipulate her in some way. View him as your enemy now and regard him as someone who will behave like one as this all unfolds.

KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER'S PASSPORT on you at ALL times, to reiterate previous posters, I cannot stress this enough. No one thinks it'll happen but it does! I think you can call the passport office and have some sort of marker put on her in case he tries to apply for a new passport for her? Cover these bases, never leave it to chance. Especially if he out-earns you.

I'm so sorry OP. He is shit. You will come to a place where you realise that you are so much better off without him. But that road is very painful. Keep your eyes firmly and doggedly on the future for yourself and child. Find proof of his current income and get him divorced asap. He's a worm.

That’s awful behaviour OP
Idiot man has penis for brain.

Straight to a solicitor and get everything legal done , time for action now, tears later.

Also, I would say no to the week where he wants to be Disney dad with her. It would disrupt her terribly to then "lose" him shortly afterwards, he's being incredibly selfish. Always, always put her first, he can fuck right off.

Tell him you want him to have custody of your DD.

You dont obviously but it would be great to freak hin out with the idea that actually he isnt just going to be able to skip off into a Spanish sunset

Dont tell him that. Even if you plan to do it.

He just planned this whole thing by himself , made all the decisions as if you are an Extra in a film. It’s all sorted, here is what’s happening.

I hope he realises that you will be speaking on behalf of both you and your daughter from
now on and have a separate strength, he doesn’t get to decide and plan everything!

What an absolute pig he is.

I agree one of the most disturbing things about this situation is that he wants add to be with him for a week, how dare he.

Keep your dd close. As others have mentioned, does your dd have Ducth citizenship though her dad.

You have lost him and Good Riddance. Now it's' all about you nd your dd.

He sounds unhinged and totally self centred.