My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

I‘m so sorry to read your post. I was once in your shoes. My ex was posted abroad and had an affair whilst I was pregnant. I fought for my marriage and then he had another affair 5 years later.

If I can give you one word of advice: let him go and eek out the maximum amount of money from this divorce while he is in love and wants to get rid of you to be free.

Don‘t compare yourself and please make sure you have support IRL. Have you spoken to you in-laws at all? Friends?

Make sure you’re well acquainted and up to date with all your financials and his pensions etc when you serve him the divorce papers.

If you wait and keep him then he may come back but he‘ll leave again. He‘s had his head tuned and it will keep happening. No one deserves to live like that.

I agree. Highly unlikely a 27 year old wants her style cramped looking after her shag partner's 7 year old. I wonder if he's even told her he's got a kid?

That said, might as well ensure he can't get hold of the passport just on the off chance. And I wouldn't allow the week at GPs regardless. Nor would I necessarily agree to his request to tell DD this weekend either. It doesn't have to be on his timetable.

What an absolute bastard!!!

Do not let him have your daughter for the week - he absolutely cannot be trusted.

Make sure his parents know exactly why he wants the divorce and that he’s planning to walk away from his daughter.

Make sure you’re there when he tells your daughter about the separation/divorce and his plans to move away. I have no idea what he plans to say but don’t let him in any way try to shift some blame on to you.

Hide her passport at your parent’s house.

See a solicitor ASAP!

Some men are just disgusting. How can he just walk away from his daughter. It’s shameful.

I’m so sorry you are facing this.

He wants everything his way, doesn’t he? - your child for a week, you to just accept it and him to move to Spain. In your shoes I would not let him have your daughter for the week. Your daughter will be used to him not being around now where he has been away, don’t give him that access to your daughter so he has time to mess with her head - spend a week with daddy then he fucks off to Spain - that will break her heart. Daddy who hasn’t been around for 6 months then gets lost to another country will just be a continuation of what she already has and will hurt less. Yours and your daughters interests are what matter now. And take him for every penny you can get for your future.

I agree with this. He’s not thinking about what’s best for his daughter, only what he wants. Don’t let him guilt-trip you into agreeing to this plan.

Are his parents already on board with this? If so, I would question their level of future involvement in your daughter’s life.

WTF said you were unreasonable!

I am so sorry for you. You must be in total shock. Have a moment to scream, cry, smacks his favourite cup then freeze yourself. It's time to be icy cold. Don't tell him but go and see a solicitor. Take all financial details. Change your will. Anything he is a beneficiary for you take him off. Then file for divorce. If you file, you control things more.

My h of 16 years confessed to an affair as he had no choice to. I divorced him about eight years later for something else, much worse, and it has been the making of me to be honest.

Good luck. Start a practical thread if you wish, you'll get a lot of excellent advice and support.

There is some really bad advice here. Once he remarried will is invalid and if he has children in spain and lives there , they can't be disinherited all children get a percentage. The will thing is the craziest thing I have read for a while.

Strongly disagree. He could say anything and lie some more.

Also I’m sure you will be aware that at some stage he will use lines from the standard script men follow in these situations. He will use these to people like his parents where his self justification (incorrectly) attributes blame to you:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1485686-the-hes-having-an-affair-script

And another one:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-Crisis-a-guide-how-to-hurt-people

Please dont follow this advice.

Make sure you are there, don’t give him free rein to tell her whatever he likes in your absence. God knows what he’d make up.

Plus, you are her stable parent and her safety - she is going to need you for her comfort and to support her.

So sorry op

For others reading this though, a tale as old as time. A spouse works away or abroad will always, always live a very different life than when at home.

Whether you trust them or not if presented with an interested third party they cheat. So, either go with them or don't agree with the whole 'working away' shit set up regardless of what mega bucks they are earning.

You think he's an absolute bastard for walking away from his daughter and refusing to do his share of the parenting but the OP should not let him see her and should hide her daughter's passport in case he abducts her? OK then. Schrodingers bastard clearly.

It takes a lot of time op BUT you will heal it won't seem like it now and it will all seem impossible.
Your husband is very much living in dream world right now ,the reality will likely be very different to what he's imagining.
He really is a fool ,,In the end you will see howucky you have e been to have this rat do this ,,the rubbish is taking its self out .
Its going to be a intense and extremely emotional and traumatic time for you but you do come through the other side and keep that in mind when things seem devastating x

Imo he wasn’t resistant to an affair: he was receptive, possibly on the look out, and has continued. As well as blowing up your life he’s blown up his own. He hasn’t grown up in the same country as this woman, isn’t in the same generation as her so will find he has little in common with her once the sex wears thin. Quite possibly she’ll want a baby but he hasn’t been a new parent for quite a time and nappies and sleepless nights don’t align with the escapism and excitement of extramarital activity. If he’s staying with his parents they must have at least an inkling of what is happening.

Even though you are devastated atm, your future can only get better whereas his doesn’t look good at all. Leave her to this has-been, this second-hand dad, this old man (for that’s how she’ll soon see him), this selfish oaf who can easily and happily walk out on a wife and child. Only the naive and or arrogant would see herself as better than you and able to have a stable relationship with him. He’s prioritised himself and his dick over his daughter and his wife. He’s tainted goods and has been for six months. Tainted. Like dirty cutlery which has been on the floor. Would you bend down to pick up a dirty fork to eat? No. You’d either not eat or seek another fork.

He’s met a younger woman. At the moment he’s obsessed at the thought of putting his dick in her. No responsibilities over there, romantic evenings, blissful life. Then he comes home to the reality of parents, Christmas, the school run, bills, etc etc etc. give it 6 months the novelty will have worn off and he will be back! Whether you want him back is a very different matter! You’d never trust him again. He probably feels like life is one long holiday over there and a little exotic woman to entertain him. Men are so easily led astray it makes me sick!

All I can advise is you divorce him, don't let him divorce you because the person doing the divorcing is in more control of timelines. I would tell him he needs to stay at his parents whilst you see a solicitor and your DD stays with you as it's not fair to spend a week being best Daddy only to abandon his DD. I'd speak to his parents and tell them you trusted him and this is a terrible shock and betrayal to you but you will still agree DD staying with them after he's gone away. You will likely need their support and your DD will need family. Tell your parents and friends what he has done so he has no place to hide and to make sure he doesn't spin them a yarn about you both growing apart. I'd also ask h if he will set up uni fund for DD as he won't be giving her his time or love perhaps he can at least give her some of his money.

Don’t let him have DD for the week. And make it clear you will need time to figure out how you tell her. This is absolutely not going to all be on his terms and his terms only.

I thought exactly the same thing as soon as l read that he wanted to take DD to stay with GP’s. Something off about it.

I also think as staying with the GP is unusual don't disrupt her routine with this. Keep her school routine normal, things that she is enthused by playdates with friends etc.

Minimising the impact on your DD is obviously the priority. Having been through this when my youngest was 11, I think the DC take the lead from how you respond.

I said to mine ‘well it’s obviously not what I wanted, but as he’s been at work or out a lot anyway, he has not been around that much for years, I don’t think we will notice much difference to be honest’. The result of this message is that my adult DDs now say to their peers I don't know why everyone make so much fuss about divorced parents, they say‘ .. our father was never around much, so we didn’t notice the impact of his absence to be honest’.

Contrast another local family we know, where the wife was understandably outwardly devastated, but her continuous mantra throughout the school years was “ Your father ruined my life when he left”. The (now adult) DC in that family still say (and believe) the divorce ruined their lives. The narrative your DC hear you repeat dictates their view of it.

I know you’ll be in acute shock and I’m so sorry. For your daughter I’d try and minimise and take a drip, drip approach. He can say he’s going to carry on spending time abroad and afterwards you can reassure and say that she won’t notice much difference in her daily life

Then, introduce OWs existence in a few weeks time, rather than the great dramatic announcement he wants.

I doubt this will last I bet he’s underestimated the effect of divorce and as for making a new life with someone he’s not be seeing for long the mind boggles. Only have practical advice keep your child close lean on your family not his.

There is something off in that he wants to take DD to stay with his parents for a week in the midst of all this. If l were OP l wouldn’t allow it, but if it’s unavoidable, then at the very least l would be urgently securing a prohibited steps order from family court to stop travel, and asking that the court seize the child's passport, so he can’t take her out of the country.

And OP, l agree with other posters here in that you don’t do this on his terms. Don’t sit back and take time to process things as he wants, because he’s had the last six months to plan this. You need to get in control, see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings ASAP.

And the bit where the poster says the OP will be able to stay in the house until her dad is eighteen. Also crazy.

wtf is so wrong with these men who get led by their dicks!? What a fucking bastard. I'm so angry for you and other women in your situation.

OP, you've had some good advice from here already but I hope you have support IRL (are your parents around? Friends? Siblings?) because you should lean into them for help as and when you can.

You must be feeling utterly distraught that the man you love(d) could possibly do this to you and your lovely DD. That he honestly believes this fling with a woman 17 years his junior is the love of his life and they'll go dancing into the sunset together. What a pathetic twat.

His behaviour is disgusting OP; find your anger and channel it quietly into sorting paperwork/documents/finances, speak to a solicitor this week and get your divorce rolling.

As others have said, please don't roll over and allow him to dictate how things go...no to DD staying with him for a week, no to telling DD this coming weekend until you have come to terms with what lays ahead. He's had 6 months on you to plan so you deserve the same.

The good news is that this relationship with a younger woman he hardly knows and who has no qualms about having an affair with a married father from a different country is unlikely to last long. So he'll probably get his comeuppance soon enough.